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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want partner having kids here when they're ill?

981 replies

Whereso · 26/03/2021 11:50

Because I'm vulnerable, pregnant in my first trimester after two losses and feel like crap as it is.

They come for their tea twice a week and stay over every other weekend.

His ex had the decency to let him know in advance that they weren't well but he failed to mention that to me and brought them here anyway, they weren't due to stay over and were just coming for tea so he could've easily taken them to the park or picked up a McDonald's/burger king.

Low and behold I've caught whatever it is and have a temp so will need to be tested for covid now, if only to rule it out.

AIBU to be pissed off with him?

OP posts:
TrustTheGeneGenie · 26/03/2021 20:29

@jellybellybanana

You cannot put step children first and above all else, it's a balancing act

They will all be his children. He can't (well, shouldn't, he probably will thogh) put yours above his older ones. Which is what you want, yours to come first. And its not even born yet.

If you want your child to always come first in your house, you shouldn't have had it with someone who already has children.

This one is particularly revolting.
Willyoujustbequiet · 26/03/2021 20:30

Your partner is a parent. Get used to it. You wont get time away from your own sick kids.

LucieStar · 26/03/2021 20:30

Or are you suggesting the df should send dc away because they matter less than his new woman?

On what planet, anywhere, does a child staying in their primary residence with their other parent, translate to "being sent away"??? "Sent" where??! They're just staying where they are. Which is with a (presumably) loving parent. They honestly, genuinely, will not be traumatised. Not even a tiny bit.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 26/03/2021 20:30

@Willyoujustbequiet

Your partner is a parent. Get used to it. You wont get time away from your own sick kids.
Ooh look a fresh one. Also vile.
ZoomHell · 26/03/2021 20:32

A good caring dad would be perfectly capable of looking after ill dc and shouldn’t priorities new baby over existing dc

And I really hate comments like these.

There's been other mentions throughout the thread about who should come 'first' (typically the 'existing' children).

An unborn baby is important too. We shouldn't be making which child, born or not should be coming 'first'. They are all important.

It's about the risks and who's needs have to be prioritised at one time.

I know that they say there isn't any evidence of a huge risk in pregnancy but come on, who wouldn't be worried after multiple losses, during a pandemic of a new virus we don't really know that much about yet.

I felt so fragile when pregnant after my losses. I remember googling frantically if a cold could kill my baby. It's natural to worry, even without miscarriages.

With Covid symptoms the children should have stayed at their mums regardless of any pregnancy but I can understand why OP may be even more anxious than someone else given that she is pregnant and her losses.

Why is it so hard for some people to have some compassion.

If someone had told me that DHs existing children should come 'first' when I was carrying our son I'd have been so angry because he mattered too! They all mattered. And whilst it is the children's homes is it really such a huge deal to go out for a McDonald's one night so that your anxious pregnant wife can try and avoid getting poorly? Whether OPs fear seems illogical to us or not, it's hardly the crime of the century is it. My DSC would have been buzzing over a MDs tea, they wouldn't have even asked why they weren't coming home just thought they were getting a treat.

PatPattinson · 26/03/2021 20:34

I seem to remember the usernames of some of these vicious posters... always seems to be on SP threads as well.... wonder if they’re SP?? Probably not.

Alcemeg · 26/03/2021 20:35

@RootyT00t

I didn't see anything vile genie but I'm happy to be corrected
@RootyT00t

*Oh dear OP.

I presume boring meaning we didn't all agree with you.*

To be perfectly honest, I thought that was a pretty vile bullying comment.

Icenii · 26/03/2021 20:36

Not read the full thread, but I'm assuming there is the normal cyber bully towards the poster because step mothers are fair game, and give the weak an outlet to sharpen their claws while hiding.

This threads always remind me of the silly character from the Simpsons 'Won't anyone think of the children?'

PopiLongJon · 26/03/2021 20:36

Being a step parent is the hardest, most thankless task in the world. We are expected to put the children before our needs at all times, regardless of the circumstance.

You have every right to be feeling vulnerable, you are not unreasonable to safeguard your health (and that of your baby).

Alcemeg · 26/03/2021 20:38

@Brunt0n

I can’t believe you’ve willingly had a baby (obviously a planned pregnancy) with this guy

I wonder how you’ll feel about this all when he is with his next girlfriend, in her house

^ This one was particularly vile...
TrustTheGeneGenie · 26/03/2021 20:39

Thank you for your assistance with proving my point @Alcemeg I missed that last one. Horrible!

ZoomHell · 26/03/2021 20:44

I do wish there were a rule on MN against quizzing people as to why their children exist. It's such a horrid thing to say, especially to a woman who's had miscarriages. Honestly shame on posters who ask this with such glee.

After my miscarriages, I would have wanted to have my son whether the world was ending or not.

It really shouldn't be okay to ask people why they chose to have a certain child as if they shouldn't exist.

ZoomHell · 26/03/2021 20:45

You see it occasionally on other topics, but rarely and it's usually always pulled up for being inappropriate.

But I've never seen it with such frequency as I do on SPing threads.

RootyT00t · 26/03/2021 20:46

@Alcemeg bullying? Really? Suggesting she was leaving the thread after it didn't go her way?

Like people do daily, regularly on here?

Bullying?

TrustTheGeneGenie · 26/03/2021 20:47

[quote RootyT00t]@Alcemeg bullying? Really? Suggesting she was leaving the thread after it didn't go her way?

Like people do daily, regularly on here?

Bullying?[/quote]
It's weird that you didn't reply to the many vile replies I posted except one?

Are you ready to accept you're wrong yet?

PapaSierra · 26/03/2021 20:49

@RootyT00t we're waiting.....

RootyT00t · 26/03/2021 20:50

Genie I was getting back to you having read your posts , and was just about to say that I clearly needed to rtft after I responded to the last one.

@PapaSierra , I don't need a pile on, cheers.

Bibidy · 26/03/2021 20:50

@RootyT00t

Aimee, covid was not initially mentioned.
In the current climate though, covid shouldn't need to be expressly mentioned. People need to be wary, covid has such varied symptoms and so stuff like the cough and runny nose these kids had should have warranted a test. They should not have been moving between households until it was confirmed they did not have covid, especially as their dad knows that his partner is in early pregnancy.

Also, covid is obviously looming large in everyone's minds, and I imagine particularly someone who is fairly newly pregnant with a much longed-for baby after 2 sad losses. Of course she's going to be anxious, of course she's not going to want to take any kind of risks, including being around sick children and potentially becoming ill herself, putting her body under stress. She is going to want to stay as well and safe as possible to safeguard her pregnancy as best she can. Her DP should understand that.

A lot of the comments here have entirely disregarded the reason why OP's mindset is as it is - because she is massively stressed over her pregnancy due to prior experience and has not yet reached the 12 week mark. People have been so unkind and insensitive towards her, as if her feelings and worries are totally irrelevant when up against two children having dinner with their mum instead of their dad for a couple of nights.

I genuinely think it's appalling. If OP had posted on the pregnancy board about her anxieties people would be comforting her and telling her they understand why she feels as she does about coming into contact with illness etc etc. I'm sure many people share her worries at the moment, particularly if they have a history of miscarriage.

Yet just because stepchildren have been mentioned all that goes out the window and OP gets told to grow up and is consistently asked what she would do if she had her own kids living with her, even though it's entirely irrelevant as these kids do not live with her.

Youseethethingis · 26/03/2021 20:51

But I've never seen it with such frequency as I do on SPing threads
Indeed. The wisdom of the “existing” children’s existence when their parents should obviously have known they were going to split up never seems to be questioned.
Furthermore, the “existing” children always seem to be the first children, as even after they are born the step mothers children don’t really “exist” and certainly don’t exist enough such that their father should consider their well-being on an equal footing to the their older half siblings, who do exist.
It’s very vexing.

GingerNinjer · 26/03/2021 20:52

YANBU op.

Alcemeg · 26/03/2021 20:55

[quote RootyT00t]@Alcemeg bullying? Really? Suggesting she was leaving the thread after it didn't go her way?

Like people do daily, regularly on here?

Bullying?[/quote]
She left the thread because she was getting her head kicked in, and this despite her taking enormous care with her thoughtful responses.

I know you probably hate to consider yourself a bully, but if I don't point it out you might never learn.

Your comment, to me, was like someone whistling and dusting their hands when the ambulance had just pulled off (and then claiming "Nothing to see here! Nothing to do with me!").

I'll give you the benefit of the doubt that you didn't read the thread properly. But I do think I'm being generous here.

DumplingsAndStew · 26/03/2021 20:56

Why would you be so disgusted by "vile" comments posted that you decide to regurgitate them? Hmm

Alcemeg · 26/03/2021 20:57

Or maybe you really didn't read the thread! I am guilty of that at times Grin

RootyT00t · 26/03/2021 20:57

No funnily enough I didn't read every comment for 26 pages.

In fairness, I asked them to tell me what was so vile, after they called me a bully after I read OPs posts telling folk to fuck off and only thanking ones who agreed with her, and clearly got it wrong.

GingerNinjer · 26/03/2021 20:57

It’s always the same on mumsnet, step children come first, bollocks to any “new” children

Swipe left for the next trending thread