To not want partner having kids here when they're ill?

[Whereso]

Because I'm vulnerable, pregnant in my first trimester after two losses and feel like crap as it is.

They come for their tea twice a week and stay over every other weekend.

His ex had the decency to let him know in advance that they weren't well but he failed to mention that to me and brought them here anyway, they weren't due to stay over and were just coming for tea so he could've easily taken them to the park or picked up a McDonald's/burger king.

Low and behold I've caught whatever it is and have a temp so will need to be tested for covid now, if only to rule it out.

AIBU to be pissed off with him?

They’ll want to visit after you’ve given birth too you know op. I think you need to remember it’s their home too. So they have a right to be sick in their own home.

@LaceyBetty

Doesnt matter if OP was the nicest woman in the world, people see the word step mum and feel its okay to attack based on that alone on this site. It is a major problem.

@TrustTheGeneGenie I just don't buy that. The SMS who get a hard time on here are the ones who come on with all the reasons in the book why their SCs shouldn't "visit" or who brazenly say they don't like it when their SCs are home (there is another thread about this on the go). They are they ones getting a hard time.

No, that's utter bollocks. I am not sure I've ever seen a step mum thread where nobody has told her she shouldn't marry a man with children or other such offensive shite.

They all get a hard time.

Conkergame Well yes, if anyone has COVID-19 symptoms and they are able to be kept seperate from the rest then they should be.

@Conkergame

Not from me - I don’t have kids so haven’t had to sacrifice my life for any. I just know how I would have felt as a child in this situation and I’d be gutted that my dad was choosing his new partner over me. If she’s that worried, then the solution is for her to out of the house on those days. The kids shouldn’t be impacted.

What will it be next, the baby is born and the kids can’t come round if they’re in case the baby gets sick? Or the baby is ill so the kids aren’t allowed round in case they make the baby worse?

Just don’t get with a man who already has kids if you’re not willing to honour the contact arrangement. It’s not hard!

What will it be next? People making sensible decisions about the health of their own children?

Good grief. The audacity of a parent putting their children first.

Why do we want to move ill children about? Who does it benefit? It doesn't benefit the ill child does it?

If she’s that worried, then the solution is for her to out of the house on those days. The kids shouldn’t be impacted.

I had no idea they were ill!

They’ll want to visit after you’ve given birth too you know op. I think you need to remember it’s their home too. So they have a right to be sick in their own home

They're more than welcome to visit after birth, obviously.

What if they have D&V though? Should they still come and cuddle the baby?

Where do you draw the line? Or isn't one?

To me, a large percentage of posters are of the opinion that it doesn't matter what SC are carrying or who's at risk, their right to be at the NRP house trumps the health and safety of all others.

Bonkers.

It is upsetting to think my step mum may have felt this way (and I suspect she did), but not because I think she should have loved me like her own. Just that a person I lived with as a young child for at least 30% of the time would have preferred me not to be around*

I totally get that. But from my perspective as a step mother, it’s never been that I don’t want my step children around, per se, it’s that I have never been able to have any say or opinion on how or when that happens. I am utterly at the mercy of whatever plans DH and his ex decide between them and I am expected to have no opinion. Or, if I do have an opinion, I am told I must not like the DSCs and don’t want them around. I can’t win.

I see it time and time again on these boards. The symptom is discomfort around the presence of the step children, but when you boil it down, the root cause is always the mismanagement of the relationship between the father, the step mother and the ex.

So I’m your case, the issue was less likely to have been that your step mother didn’t want you around and more likely that your dad was being a knob and cutting her out of the loop.

@Whereso It's weird isn't it. For some reason the children who were born first must have their tea in the house that they were scheduled to or they will not possibly cope with being in their other house even though their mum was happy for this to happen.

@thatsgotit

I honestly feel so much of the bile that gets spewed on these threads is down to projection of some sort. Either projection because posters are stepkids themselves and these threads bring back painful memories, or projection on behalf of their own DC if they feel said DC's stepparent isn't behaving as they would want.

I'm not saying this is always the case, but I'd put money on it sometimes being the case.

Of course it's the case.

@Whereso you sound like an amazing non step/mum stepmum type person! And I think your other half should have considered the risk given the pandemic and the fact you lost two children before. He was probably one track minding it.

Step mum's are the most hated people on this site. You don't need to defend your self. Your other half should have considered your health too. We as pregnant people are told to shield FOR A REASON!!!

I hope you don't have covid and everything goes smooth from here.

YABU they are his children and they should feel welcome in their home.
Parenting isn't just the McDonald's Disney dad bit it's also looking after them when they are poorly.

I’m fed up with all the step-mother bashing on this forum. I’d hate to be a step-mother because there’s probably no way I’d even like, let alone love, someone else’s spoilt offspring. And, yes, they must all be spoilt since Mumsnet lore dictates that they must be treated like royalty and have their every need instantly met. I’ve got too much self-respect ( and decent boundaries in place) to hide myself away in a cupboard in my own home every time spoilt infants are in residence.

I doubt any of you treat your own children like the spun glass, but you’re quite happy to demand step-mothers do. If you genuinely give your own children no boundaries you are doing them a massive disservice you know. One day they’ll encounter someone who tells them to sod off with their endless entitled demands 🙄

@evelynina

YABU they are his children and they should feel welcome in their home. Parenting isn't just the McDonald's Disney dad bit it's also looking after them when they are poorly.

But why would you send an already poorly child to the other parent?

Who on earth moves their kids around when they're ill, and mid pandemic??

Whereso

It isn't bonkers.
It's how families work.
One child may get ill and we hope the bug isn't passed around- sometimes it is, sometimes not.
But that is family life.
You have to take the bad bits along with the good bits.
You can''t pick and choose.

[quote PandaFluff]@Whereso It's weird isn't it. For some reason the children who were born first must have their tea in the house that they were scheduled to or they will not possibly cope with being in their other house even though their mum was happy for this to happen.[/quote]

They'll need therapy for life. Clearly.

@speakout

Whereso

It isn't bonkers.
It's how families work.
One child may get ill and we hope the bug isn't passed around- sometimes it is, sometimes not.
But that is family life.
You have to take the bad bits along with the good bits.
You can''t pick and choose.

So you'd send your child with noro to their other parent?

Why?

Does that benefit your child?

There is, because he has an anxious and stressed newly-pregnant partner who is already worried due to their 2 previous losses. That is the reason.

So mums plans are scrapped because his new partner has anxiety? Not reasonable at all. If his partner can’t cope with his children in her home for whatever reason that doesn’t become mums problem. It remains his problem. He needs to arrange for somewhere else to have his children.

@UhtredRagnarson

There is, because he has an anxious and stressed newly-pregnant partner who is already worried due to their 2 previous losses. That is the reason.

So mums plans are scrapped because his new partner has anxiety? Not reasonable at all. If his partner can’t cope with his children in her home for whatever reason that doesn’t become mums problem. It remains his problem. He needs to arrange for somewhere else to have his children.

What are mum's plans mid pandemic exactly?

So mums plans are scrapped because his new partner has anxiety?

It's not about "mum's plans", is it. It's about what's in the best interests of the children - all three of them (yes I include the unborn one). And travelling back and forth between homes whilst poorly is not in the best interests of any of the children as far as I can see.

@speakout

Whereso

It isn't bonkers.
It's how families work.
One child may get ill and we hope the bug isn't passed around- sometimes it is, sometimes not.
But that is family life.
You have to take the bad bits along with the good bits.
You can''t pick and choose.

You can when the child has two homes. It is probably one of the benefits of having two homes. They can make sure they don't infect both their parents. Say mum had norovirus while the kids were with dad then dad can keep them with him and stop them getting ill instead of them going back to mum and then mum having to stay off work once she recovers to look after them.

The number of times my "plans" have had to take a backseat because my dd was poorly and not up to the journey to her dads, and/or just didn't want to go because she wants her mum when she's sick. I didn't give a shit about my plans - she comes first.

If the OP was pregnant with her third she wouldn't pack her kids off to another house would she? Well yes I would move an ill child my DD has two parents and he's capable of looking after her as well. We have a very weird system in this country where children of the 1st relationship are downgraded to part time parenting after the relationship ends.

@LucieStar

So mums plans are scrapped because his new partner has anxiety?

It's not about "mum's plans", is it. It's about what's in the best interests of the children - all three of them (yes I include the unborn one). And travelling back and forth between homes whilst poorly is not in the best interests of any of the children as far as I can see.

I mean are the kids even that fussed!?

@PandaFluff

If they're anything like my SC, probably not! It never really is the kids that are fussed though js it, let's be honest.

@evelynina

If the OP was pregnant with her third she wouldn't pack her kids off to another house would she? Well yes I would move an ill child my DD has two parents and he's capable of looking after her as well. We have a very weird system in this country where children of the 1st relationship are downgraded to part time parenting after the relationship ends.

So you'd send your ill child away just for the sake of being petty basically? Wow.

I cannot imagine doing that.

My dp is also a capable parent but why the actual fuck would I put a vomiting unwell child in my car and drop him at the other parents potentially infecting them as well as me? Why?!?!

It's insanity. And it doesn't benefit the child. But your comment makes it clear the child doesn't matter at all.