To not want partner having kids here when they're ill?

[Whereso]

Because I'm vulnerable, pregnant in my first trimester after two losses and feel like crap as it is.

They come for their tea twice a week and stay over every other weekend.

His ex had the decency to let him know in advance that they weren't well but he failed to mention that to me and brought them here anyway, they weren't due to stay over and were just coming for tea so he could've easily taken them to the park or picked up a McDonald's/burger king.

Low and behold I've caught whatever it is and have a temp so will need to be tested for covid now, if only to rule it out.

AIBU to be pissed off with him?

Either projection because posters are stepkids themselves and these threads bring back painful memories,

But why would they bring back painful memories if there is nothing wrong with the attitudes in the OPs in the first place?

@RootyT00t

No, mainly because thats nothing like what I said. I never said she's lying. I, as many posters said, said that she seems unclear on whether this is a cold or covid issue.

And I never said dad shouldn't consider the baby, either

You said she's deceitful - do you not know what that means?

and yes you did

i said

er yeah, so is the unborn one so why is he only "balancing" some and not others?

and you said

because Op is being unfair, deceitful etc..... like it was a reason.

I mean, its exactly what you said, i quoted your post.

[quote RootyT00t]@TrustTheGeneGenie

Because OP is being unfair. And as pointed out, deceitful .

If she genuinely believed they had covid they can't be going to McDonald's.

I do sympathise with her losses but the only solution from her side is for them to be nowhere near their dad.[/quote]
But literally for a couple of days? She is not saying for the whole of her pregnancy, just for these few days when they're under the weather.

He could easily have postponed his weekday dinners with them just for this week and picked up again next week when they're better. No one would have batted an eyelid, except OP who would have been grateful and relived of a lot of stress.

@LaceyBetty

Either projection because posters are stepkids themselves and these threads bring back painful memories,

But why would they bring back painful memories if there is nothing wrong with the attitudes in the OPs in the first place?

Doesnt matter if OP was the nicest woman in the world, people see the word step mum and feel its okay to attack based on that alone on this site. It is a major problem.

@jellybellybanana

Sometimes his children can't come first due to the welfare of his highly anxious and stressed pregnant partner. He isn't 'balancing them all' here is he?

The children. Their needs to be balanced. Not his girlfriend.

His THREE children including the one that is unborn and vulnerable at the moment. It is in none of the children's interest for OP to catch covid at the moment.

I don't think you are being unreasonable, but I also don't think this is about your partners children - its about his lack of concern for you and your worries about your pregnancy given you have had two previous losses. I wonder if he had of at least called you and said - the children's mother has just told me they are a bit under the weather, they seem fine its just runny nose and a bit of a cough what do you think? How this went may have been very different - maybe you would have said do you mind taking them out instead? You may even have said OK come round but say I'm not well and I will stay out of the way. The issue I think is that your partner didn't allow you any say and what you are probably upset about is not having his concern and support. That's very different to privileging one child over others but there are a lot of experiences that other people have had which are hurtful toward them or their children so reading your post might get seen in their own context. I think you just need to have a reasonable conversation with your ptnr who I suspect, right now, is rolling his eyes at everything you say and filing it under an 'over-reaction' he doesnt have to agree but he does need to hear what you are saying and understand what would have made the difference from your POV.

No, again not correct Genie.

Deceitful isn't necessarily lying.

I, like the MANY other posters above, said that the reasoning seemed to change.

Also, my other response was to you saying HIS children. The baby is also HIS. We obviously disagree , and that's fine, so let's just leave it there.

@TrustTheGeneGenie absolute rubbish. Nothing to do with her being a stepmum.

Has anyone considered how a new child with a new partner can affect children? How they may feel if they're not wanted because they aren't well?

Doesnt matter if OP was the nicest woman in the world, people see the word step mum and feel its okay to attack based on that alone on this site. It is a major problem.

@TrustTheGeneGenie I just don't buy that. The SMS who get a hard time on here are the ones who come on with all the reasons in the book why their SCs shouldn't "visit" or who brazenly say they don't like it when their SCs are home (there is another thread about this on the go). They are they ones getting a hard time.

But why would they bring back painful memories if there is nothing wrong with the attitudes in the OPs in the first place?

Because hurt doesn't always allow for objectivity. Especially with stuff that's as emotive as all this.

@thatsgotit

I honestly feel so much of the bile that gets spewed on these threads is down to projection of some sort. Either projection because posters are stepkids themselves and these threads bring back painful memories, or projection on behalf of their own DC if they feel said DC's stepparent isn't behaving as they would want.

I'm not saying this is always the case, but I'd put money on it sometimes being the case.

Yes I agree.

I think a lot of people on here don't have any experience of step situations and can only consider things from the POV of how they would feel as the ex-wife in these scenarios, or how they perceive their children would feel.

Also I think a lot of people take everything as an attack on the children or not wanting them around, which so often isn't the case at all. Like in this situation, OP hasn't said anything of the sort and her concern is with this very specific, temporary set of circumstances.

I'm sure lots of people on here do have negative experiences as stepchildren too, but that doesn't mean that everything is that. OP's concern in this scenario is totally reasonable and what she's asking - for her DP to change/miss a couple of weekday tea times but see his kids within the next few days after that once they are better (!) - is not even a big deal. It is a minor change for one week.

I'm with you OP, if I had lost two much wanted pregnancies I would do whatever it took to ensure my next one was free of as much danger as I could.

Well, I for one don't have a problem with step mums , nor did I have one. I just think she's wrong (but have repeatedly conceded I can see where it's coming from).

This is a funny site. Daily, there are posts like 'so you don't like women ' or 'dont like step mums'. Not true. Just think that particular one is wrong, which is allowed.

@RootyT00t

Has anyone considered how a new child with a new partner can affect children? How they may feel if they're not wanted because they aren't well?

Yes as we have been in a very similar situation and they understood that this was due to a potentially deadly virus. They also understood when we couldn't have them when we had potential symptoms in case they caught it and it affected their extremely vulnerable grandparent. They understood and their mum understood and they stayed a bit longer when everyone was better and had a lovely time and asked if they could stay longer the next time which again everyone was happy with.

All OP is saying in the original post is that she would have preferred it if her DP had said to her:

'Look, the DCs have got cough/cold symptoms, what do you think we should do?'

How this can this possibly be viewed as unreasonable?

Instead DP and his ex made the decisions themselves, without consulting her at all, and just brought the DCs over giving her now warning at all. It is one visit, she is not cutting them out of her life altogether.

As for the ex having to change her plans, well we. all have to make sacrifices when our DCs get ill sometimes!

If you are actually classified as clinically extremely vulnerable then YANBU. In that case if they have COVID symptoms then they should be self-isolating away from you. If they were your own children, then the advice would be the same - either you or they should go elsewhere if at all possible. Or self-isolate within the house if that is a better option.

Otherwise. YABU. They are a part of your household/family and should be treated as such.

There’s no balancing if the SC’s needs, or perceived needs, are always first.

There’s wants and needs. Seeing your Dad for tea isn’t a need.

Shelter, food, water = need.

Their mum could have just as easily fulfilled that need on this isolated occasion.

Are we really suggesting that contact is always so important, or rather so absolutely critical that one missed dinner with Dad will actually be harmful? But neglecting to recognise that potentially infecting a pregnant woman with Covid is harmful?

Where’s the balance there??

@TonTonMacoute

All OP is saying in the original post is that she would have preferred it if her DP had said to her:

'Look, the DCs have got cough/cold symptoms, what do you think we should do?'

How this can this possibly be viewed as unreasonable?

Instead DP and his ex made the decisions themselves, without consulting her at all, and just brought the DCs over giving her now warning at all. It is one visit, she is not cutting them out of her life altogether.

As for the ex having to change her plans, well we. all have to make sacrifices when our DCs get ill sometimes!

In the title she makes it clear she doesn't want them there. Not that she wanted her partner to warn her about it.

@DinoHat I think you've hit the nail on the head there.

I honestly feel so much of the bile that gets spewed on these threads is down to projection of some sort. Either projection because posters are stepkids themselves and these threads bring back painful memories, or projection on behalf of their own DC if they feel said DC's stepparent isn't behaving as they would want

Yes, lots of adult step children not wanting to believe that their step parent may have felt this way about them. The thing is, that realisation wouldn’t be so painful if we didn’t persist with advancing the lie that all step parents must love their step children as their own and step children must always come first. Those two rigid expectations only lead to disappointment and resentment. It’s unrealistic and idealistic and totally unhelpful and unrepresentative of the actual dynamics of step families. The truth is, most step parents do not love their step children like their own. Often because their step children have two very present and loving parents already and that would be a bit of a boundary overstep really. If I think about it, I don’t want anyone else apart from me and my DC’s father to love my DCs ‘as their own’. I would feel very weird about that. Be nice to them, that’s enough.

I also wonder if it might be something like envy, along the lines of "We are so used to painting our own needs completely out of the picture that the very idea of not being forced to do so, all the time, is deeply unsettling

I have also often thought the same. It’s usually only on stepmother threads where the idea of a woman stating and trying to meet her own needs triggers such a vitriolic response from other women. I wonder whether there’s a sense of, ‘I’ve been the family doormat and put everyone else first for years, how very dare a woman have the balls to think maybe she’s as important as her partner and any children.’ People realising they were entitled all along to ask for and get the same consideration as OP, yet never having had the agency to do it, is triggering I think.

@Whereso

I don't think you are being unreasonable! I've just passed my first trimester after having 2 miscarriages and was contemplating not sending my DD back to nursery incase I cough covid for the reason having a temp in early pregnancy has been linked to deformities in babies

So no I don't think you are being unreasonable at all!
I did however send her back as covid isn't rife in my area I certainly wouldn't be hanging around anyone with any symptoms!

Yes, lots of adult step children not wanting to believe that their step parent may have felt this way about them. The thing is, that realisation wouldn’t be so painful if we didn’t persist with advancing the lie that all step parents must love their step children as their own and step children must always come first. Those two rigid expectations only lead to disappointment and resentment. It’s unrealistic and idealistic and totally unhelpful and unrepresentative of the actual dynamics of step families. The truth is, most step parents do not love their step children like their own. Often because their step children have two very present and loving parents already and that would be a bit of a boundary overstep really. If I think about it, I don’t want anyone else apart from me and my DC’s father to love my DCs ‘as their own’. I would feel very weird about that. Be nice to them, that’s enough.

Hear, hear.

@RUOKHon

I honestly feel so much of the bile that gets spewed on these threads is down to projection of some sort. Either projection because posters are stepkids themselves and these threads bring back painful memories, or projection on behalf of their own DC if they feel said DC's stepparent isn't behaving as they would want

Yes, lots of adult step children not wanting to believe that their step parent may have felt this way about them. The thing is, that realisation wouldn’t be so painful if we didn’t persist with advancing the lie that all step parents must love their step children as their own and step children must always come first. Those two rigid expectations only lead to disappointment and resentment. It’s unrealistic and idealistic and totally unhelpful and unrepresentative of the actual dynamics of step families. The truth is, most step parents do not love their step children like their own. Often because their step children have two very present and loving parents already and that would be a bit of a boundary overstep really. If I think about it, I don’t want anyone else apart from me and my DC’s father to love my DCs ‘as their own’. I would feel very weird about that. Be nice to them, that’s enough.

I also wonder if it might be something like envy, along the lines of "We are so used to painting our own needs completely out of the picture that the very idea of not being forced to do so, all the time, is deeply unsettling

I have also often thought the same. It’s usually only on stepmother threads where the idea of a woman stating and trying to meet her own needs triggers such a vitriolic response from other women. I wonder whether there’s a sense of, ‘I’ve been the family doormat and put everyone else first for years, how very dare a woman have the balls to think maybe she’s as important as her partner and any children.’ People realising they were entitled all along to ask for and get the same consideration as OP, yet never having had the agency to do it, is triggering I think.

It is upsetting to think my step mum may have felt this way (and I suspect she did), but not because I think she should have loved me like her own. Just that a person I lived with as a young child for at least 30% of the time would have preferred me not to be around.

Not from me - I don’t have kids so haven’t had to sacrifice my life for any. I just know how I would have felt as a child in this situation and I’d be gutted that my dad was choosing his new partner over me. If she’s that worried, then the solution is for her to out of the house on those days. The kids shouldn’t be impacted.

What will it be next, the baby is born and the kids can’t come round if they’re in case the baby gets sick? Or the baby is ill so the kids aren’t allowed round in case they make the baby worse?

Just don’t get with a man who already has kids if you’re not willing to honour the contact arrangement. It’s not hard!