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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want partner having kids here when they're ill?

981 replies

Whereso · 26/03/2021 11:50

Because I'm vulnerable, pregnant in my first trimester after two losses and feel like crap as it is.

They come for their tea twice a week and stay over every other weekend.

His ex had the decency to let him know in advance that they weren't well but he failed to mention that to me and brought them here anyway, they weren't due to stay over and were just coming for tea so he could've easily taken them to the park or picked up a McDonald's/burger king.

Low and behold I've caught whatever it is and have a temp so will need to be tested for covid now, if only to rule it out.

AIBU to be pissed off with him?

OP posts:
Original poster
Whereso · 26/03/2021 16:39

Some of you are absolutely batshit.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whereso · 26/03/2021 16:42

Big thanks to those of you who have my back on this one, I see your comments and I'm grateful for them Smile

OP posts:
Lentillover1900 · 26/03/2021 16:42

[quote PapaSierra]@Lentillover1900 even without covid, OP has a history of pregnancy loss and does, understandably, does not want to contract anything whilst in the first trimester. This isn't Illness Top Trumps. Her feelings are valid.[/quote]
But what would happen if she becomes pregnant with another child in a couple of years and then this current unborn baby, now a toddler, gets sick?

jellybellybanana · 26/03/2021 16:43

Some of you are absolutely batshit

Yeah imagine expecting parents to, you know, parent their kids. Fucking mental we are. Hmm

dontdisturbmenow · 26/03/2021 16:44

The thing I don't get is that unless you are totally shielding, you are putti go yourself at risk. Those sane children you suspect to have Covid could have had it 2 weeks ago, or have it 2 weeks before your sue to give birth and show no symptoms at all. That's why Covid has been such a problem, many people especially children exhibiting no symptoms at all.

This situation is not that different and they have as much chance of just having a cold this weekend as having Covid in 2 weeks time with no symptoms.

This is most likely the rationale of your OH which is very valid. You can't live your life with such anxiety because it could trigger concerning mental health issues throughout the pregnancy and then when your baby is born, becomes a toddler and there on.

It has nothing to do with the kids being step children.

Aimee1987 · 26/03/2021 16:44

@lentillover1900 my had chickenpox when his mum was pregnant. He went to live with nana for the week

Aimee1987 · 26/03/2021 16:44

Ment to say cousin

Lentillover1900 · 26/03/2021 16:44

Op you can’t have it both ways

Concern that it’s covid
Frustration that because it was nice weather he would have taken them out

Notonthestairs · 26/03/2021 16:45

@Lentillover1900 would it have been ok if she'd had a cough and not been tested and still had the kids for tea?

jellybellybanana · 26/03/2021 16:46

Sometimes his children can't come first due to the welfare of his highly anxious and stressed pregnant partner. He isn't 'balancing them all' here is he?

The children. Their needs to be balanced. Not his girlfriend.

RootyT00t · 26/03/2021 16:46

@Whereso

Thank you for the replies.

I'm unreasonable then.

I'll accept that, but I will say it's not coming from a place of spite but one of worry.

I've had two recent-ish losses and I'm doing all I can to avoid getting sick, especially as there is a link to miscarrying from covid.

I always put the children first but clearly my trepidation about the pregnancy has made me selfish on this occasion.

DP and his ex think it's just a common cold and it's not unusual to get a cough with a cold, that's easy to gloss over when you're not in my position.

I appreciate your worries but I wonder why you think sending them out into the community with DP to bring it all back is safer than them being in your house.
TrustTheGeneGenie · 26/03/2021 16:46

@dontdisturbmenow

The thing I don't get is that unless you are totally shielding, you are putti go yourself at risk. Those sane children you suspect to have Covid could have had it 2 weeks ago, or have it 2 weeks before your sue to give birth and show no symptoms at all. That's why Covid has been such a problem, many people especially children exhibiting no symptoms at all.

This situation is not that different and they have as much chance of just having a cold this weekend as having Covid in 2 weeks time with no symptoms.

This is most likely the rationale of your OH which is very valid. You can't live your life with such anxiety because it could trigger concerning mental health issues throughout the pregnancy and then when your baby is born, becomes a toddler and there on.

It has nothing to do with the kids being step children.

are you fucking joking?

Op shouldnt worry after having multiple miscarriages about the health of her unborn baby "in case she gets mental health issues"

jesus christ. you ought to be ashamed of that comment.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 26/03/2021 16:47

@jellybellybanana

Sometimes his children can't come first due to the welfare of his highly anxious and stressed pregnant partner. He isn't 'balancing them all' here is he?

The children. Their needs to be balanced. Not his girlfriend.

The mother of his unborn child, you mean?

She is pregnant with HIS baby. He needs to care about her as well. The fact you think he doesnt speaks volumes.

Bibidy · 26/03/2021 16:47

But what would happen if she becomes pregnant with another child in a couple of years and then this current unborn baby, now a toddler, gets sick?

LentilLover, that's a totally different scenario as OP's older child wouldn't have a comfortable alternative home to stay at with their other parent?

It's not like OP is talking about sending her DP's children to stay with their grandparents or anything, it's literally a case of them just not coming over for tea on a couple of evenings while they recover?!

They'd just be at home, like they are the rest of the week, and they'd come back over again once they're better.

RootyT00t · 26/03/2021 16:49

@TrustTheGeneGenie they are also HIS children.

Bibidy · 26/03/2021 16:49

@jellybellybanana

Sometimes his children can't come first due to the welfare of his highly anxious and stressed pregnant partner. He isn't 'balancing them all' here is he?

The children. Their needs to be balanced. Not his girlfriend.

So you genuinely believe that men shouldn't need to have any consideration for their pregnant wives and girlfriends?

He obviously loves her, she is his partner and she is carrying his baby following a series of pregnancy loses for both of them. Of course he should be balancing her needs alongside his children's!

How sad if you really believe that only children matter in a family.

thatsgotit · 26/03/2021 16:49

I honestly feel so much of the bile that gets spewed on these threads is down to projection of some sort. Either projection because posters are stepkids themselves and these threads bring back painful memories, or projection on behalf of their own DC if they feel said DC's stepparent isn't behaving as they would want.

I'm not saying this is always the case, but I'd put money on it sometimes being the case.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 26/03/2021 16:50

[quote RootyT00t]@TrustTheGeneGenie they are also HIS children.[/quote]
er yeah, so is the unborn one so why is he only "balancing" some and not others?

ShadierThanaPalmTree · 26/03/2021 16:50

Step parents really get a bad rap on mumsnet. I don't think it was fair of your partner to not mention it, because then he still could have had them over but taken more precautions with hand cleaning, keeping their distance from you etc. And in your circumstances being pregnant and previously suffering miscarriages of course its completely normal to be anxious in a pandemic! Congratulations on your baby op, and I hope you get better soon and it's just sniffles! The good news is that if you catch a cold while pregnant your antibodies do pass on to the baby.

RootyT00t · 26/03/2021 16:51

@TrustTheGeneGenie

Because OP is being unfair. And as pointed out, deceitful .

If she genuinely believed they had covid they can't be going to McDonald's.

I do sympathise with her losses but the only solution from her side is for them to be nowhere near their dad.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 26/03/2021 16:52

[quote RootyT00t]@TrustTheGeneGenie

Because OP is being unfair. And as pointed out, deceitful .

If she genuinely believed they had covid they can't be going to McDonald's.

I do sympathise with her losses but the only solution from her side is for them to be nowhere near their dad.[/quote]
So you think her unborn baby shouldnt be considered by its dad because you think shes lying?

Ah right i see. Seems fair Hmm

thatsgotit · 26/03/2021 16:53

@jellybellybanana

Sometimes his children can't come first due to the welfare of his highly anxious and stressed pregnant partner. He isn't 'balancing them all' here is he?

The children. Their needs to be balanced. Not his girlfriend.

I notice you say absolutely squat here about the needs of the OP's unborn child.
RootyT00t · 26/03/2021 16:53

No, mainly because thats nothing like what I said.
I never said she's lying. I, as many posters said, said that she seems unclear on whether this is a cold or covid issue.

And I never said dad shouldn't consider the baby, either

PandaFluff · 26/03/2021 16:54

@LucieStar

We're talking about first trimester pregnancy with a recent history of losses, still in a pandemic and one of the children has a cough.

OP, people will selectively ignore this in favour of "those poor unloved children!" Who would essentially be staying with mum a bit longer, that's it. That's the sum total of their "trauma". Ffs

And it sounds like mum was willing to do this as she told their dad they were unwell.
Alcemeg · 26/03/2021 16:54

@thatsgotit

I honestly feel so much of the bile that gets spewed on these threads is down to projection of some sort. Either projection because posters are stepkids themselves and these threads bring back painful memories, or projection on behalf of their own DC if they feel said DC's stepparent isn't behaving as they would want.

I'm not saying this is always the case, but I'd put money on it sometimes being the case.

I wondered that too. I'm new to MN so kind of horrified by this thread, there was me thinking it was a friendly place to come, not a pit of vipers!

I also wonder if it might be something like envy, along the lines of "We are so used to painting our own needs completely out of the picture that the very idea of not being forced to do so, all the time, is deeply unsettling."