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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want partner having kids here when they're ill?

981 replies

Whereso · 26/03/2021 11:50

Because I'm vulnerable, pregnant in my first trimester after two losses and feel like crap as it is.

They come for their tea twice a week and stay over every other weekend.

His ex had the decency to let him know in advance that they weren't well but he failed to mention that to me and brought them here anyway, they weren't due to stay over and were just coming for tea so he could've easily taken them to the park or picked up a McDonald's/burger king.

Low and behold I've caught whatever it is and have a temp so will need to be tested for covid now, if only to rule it out.

AIBU to be pissed off with him?

OP posts:
Bibidy · 26/03/2021 16:13

@jellybellybanana

Fucking hate this place and the hypocrisy against step parents sometimes.THEY ARE NOT YOUR CHILDREN, THEY HAVE TWO PARENTS AND YOU ARE NOT ITSame posters:YOU ARE PUTTING YOUR BABY BEFORE YOUR STEPCHILDREN. IT IS THEIR HOME AS MUCH AS YOURS How predictable

Your complaint is predictable, and you don't get it. It's not hypocrisy, that's what step parenting is! They aren't your children, you aren't their parent, and yet you do have sacrifice sometimes for them. Your children cannot always come first and your have to make compromises you may hate. It can suck massively. It's hard.
But's thats how it works.
If you choose to have kids with someone who already has kids, you have to suck it up. Your partner can't have your kid as top of the list all the time, they have to balance them all. And therefore so do you.

Your children cannot always come first and your have to make compromises you may hate. It can suck massively. It's hard. But's thats how it works.

How come this isn't the case for OP's DP as well??

Sometimes his children can't come first due to the welfare of his highly anxious and stressed pregnant partner. He isn't 'balancing them all' here is he?

Chooseausernamenow · 26/03/2021 16:14

You’re expecting him to fob his kids off because they’re ill. That’s not the way parenting works. You’re being petty and precious.

Original poster
Whereso · 26/03/2021 16:14

@Chooseausernamenow

You’re expecting him to fob his kids off because they’re ill. That’s not the way parenting works. You’re being petty and precious.
Fob off? No.

Just not to bring them around me with no prior warning of illness.

OP posts:
Lentillover1900 · 26/03/2021 16:16

* She wasn't coughing non stop but had numerous episodes of coughing during the 4 hours they were here. *

Would you class that as continuous?

With no temperature at all? No I wouldn’t test. It’s a continuous cough

LaceyBetty · 26/03/2021 16:16

Just not to bring them around me with no prior warning of illness.

How would that work when you live in the same house?

Lemonandlime123 · 26/03/2021 16:16

YABU

Lentillover1900 · 26/03/2021 16:17

Just not to bring them around me with no prior warning of illness.

If he had given you prior warning, what would you have done?

Conkergame · 26/03/2021 16:18

Why oh why do women keep partnering up with men who already have kids and then just treat the kids as an inconvenience?!

If you don’t want step-kids, it’s very easy, don’t get with a man who already has children! If you do, prepare for him to treat those kids, you know, as if they are his kids!

Hhusky · 26/03/2021 16:18

I can see both sides.
On one hand, DP could have confirmed with his ex what the illness actually was. And if it did appear they had Covid symptoms could have asked they be tested before taking them.
On the other hand, the lifestyle choice you have made is to be with a man with kids from a previous relationship. You're going to get coughs and colds, especially when school starts up.
Try to relax as best you can. Pregnant women are faring really well in the world of Covid and very few are getting seriously ill. I know this is likely of little consolation but try not to worry or stress. I would advise if you're worried, have a chat with DP, express your worries and ask him if he can think a bit more about this going forward.

Bibidy · 26/03/2021 16:19

@Lentillover1900

*Just not to bring them around me with no prior warning of illness.*

If he had given you prior warning, what would you have done?

Presumably asked him to consider seeing them a couple of days later instead of while they are still ill? Or anything that stops them potentially bringing illness into her house and infecting her.
PurpleDaisies · 26/03/2021 16:19

@Lentillover1900

* She wasn't coughing non stop but had numerous episodes of coughing during the 4 hours they were here. *

Would you class that as continuous?

With no temperature at all? No I wouldn’t test. It’s a continuous cough

The cough can be several episodes. It doesn’t need to be without a break.

a new, continuous cough – this means coughing a lot for more than an hour, or 3 or more coughing episodes in 24 hours (if you usually have a cough, it may be worse than usual)

Again, how can people still not know this a year later?

Mellonsprite · 26/03/2021 16:20

I think the OP has had a very hard time on here. If it was pre covid and it was D&V instead, then no I think the kids should have stayed put and i don’t think germs / viruses should be spread between households.

thatsgotit · 26/03/2021 16:20

@Conkergame

Why oh why do women keep partnering up with men who already have kids and then just treat the kids as an inconvenience?!

If you don’t want step-kids, it’s very easy, don’t get with a man who already has children! If you do, prepare for him to treat those kids, you know, as if they are his kids!

@Conkergame read the OP's posts properly.

Are you a stepparent btw?

Mittens030869 · 26/03/2021 16:22

**She wasn't coughing non stop but had numerous episodes of coughing during the 4 hours they were here.

Would you class that as continuous?**

^Yes. A ‘new continuous cough’ is defined as a lot of coughing for over an hour or 3 episodes in a 24 hour period. That’s according to the Zoe app. (Having Long Covid, I know too much about it.)

TrustTheGeneGenie · 26/03/2021 16:23

@Conkergame

Why oh why do women keep partnering up with men who already have kids and then just treat the kids as an inconvenience?!

If you don’t want step-kids, it’s very easy, don’t get with a man who already has children! If you do, prepare for him to treat those kids, you know, as if they are his kids!

why oh why do women keep posting this stupid irrelevant and offensive shit?
Notonthestairs · 26/03/2021 16:23

Flipping this around - if a hypothetical stepmother and her hypothetical child feel poorly/have a cough during a pandemic - would the other parent of SC want to know about that before sending them for tea?

I would.

TrustTheGeneGenie · 26/03/2021 16:24

even pre covid i wouldnt send my child ill to their other parents - why would you do that? A poorly child may as well stay where they are and avoid bringing both households down. They can just go a different day.

I dont get having to stick to contact so rigidly that youd happily have to move your sick child to another household, i really dont.

PandaFluff · 26/03/2021 16:25

@Lentillover1900

* She wasn't coughing non stop but had numerous episodes of coughing during the 4 hours they were here. *

Would you class that as continuous?

With no temperature at all? No I wouldn’t test. It’s a continuous cough

Yes.. it's more than 3 times in 24 hours. That is all it needs to get a test. Its annoying as it could easily be hayfever or just a cold. But it doesn't matter if there is a temperature or not.
PandaFluff · 26/03/2021 16:26

@TrustTheGeneGenie

even pre covid i wouldnt send my child ill to their other parents - why would you do that? A poorly child may as well stay where they are and avoid bringing both households down. They can just go a different day.

I dont get having to stick to contact so rigidly that youd happily have to move your sick child to another household, i really dont.

I agree i think it works better if there is flexibility between all parties so children don't feel like they are being fought over.
Allaboutthatbass · 26/03/2021 16:27

Not a step parent but I really don’t think you are being unreasonable here OP.

PandaFluff · 26/03/2021 16:27

If it was OPs OH that had potental covid symptoms would people still say he should see the children and potentially infect them?

PapaSierra · 26/03/2021 16:27

@Bibidy makes a very good point and one I hope @jellybellybanana will answer.

How come OP's DP is expected to only make sacrifices and allowances for his other children, not the one he is having with OP?

MrsKingfisher · 26/03/2021 16:27

@catinbootsx

The regularity of these threads is so, so depressing.

These poor kids.

The regularity of NON step parents making comments such as these with no actual information is also depressing.

The constant 'oh those poor children' no one actually knows how the op feels but as usual because she's a step mum she must be awful. Get a hold of yourselves.

CupoTeap · 26/03/2021 16:28

Op can't you get yourself to a testing centre instead so you get a quicker result.

Lentillover1900 · 26/03/2021 16:29

@TrustTheGeneGenie

even pre covid i wouldnt send my child ill to their other parents - why would you do that? A poorly child may as well stay where they are and avoid bringing both households down. They can just go a different day.

I dont get having to stick to contact so rigidly that youd happily have to move your sick child to another household, i really dont.

One child has a cold. No temp. One child had a cough. No temp.

How did they seem in themselves OP? Poorly and not themselves?

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