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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want partner having kids here when they're ill?

981 replies

Whereso · 26/03/2021 11:50

Because I'm vulnerable, pregnant in my first trimester after two losses and feel like crap as it is.

They come for their tea twice a week and stay over every other weekend.

His ex had the decency to let him know in advance that they weren't well but he failed to mention that to me and brought them here anyway, they weren't due to stay over and were just coming for tea so he could've easily taken them to the park or picked up a McDonald's/burger king.

Low and behold I've caught whatever it is and have a temp so will need to be tested for covid now, if only to rule it out.

AIBU to be pissed off with him?

OP posts:
Fridget · 26/03/2021 15:32

@apurplecar

Once again, the OP was not suggesting he don’t see them at the usual time, only to change where he did it.

sadie9 · 26/03/2021 15:32

I guess the replies might have been a bit more balanced if it was clear it was your house owned outright by you, and your partner moved in there.
It's a bit different if your partner is very much a boyfriend part of that arrangement of him moving in is that he can bring his kids over.

Does he pay rent or half the mortgage or does he pay the utility bills in lieu or somesuch?

From your first post I'd assumed that you and your partner own/rent a house together and his children from a previous relationship come over and stay. In that scenario it would have been a planned thing where bedrooms etc for his kids were planned in advance.

It makes quite a big difference that their Dad moved into his girlfriend's house not 'his' house as such. He didn't plan to own or obtain a house himself to have his kids over to.

UhtredRagnarson · 26/03/2021 15:33

[quote stackemhigh]@UhtredRagnarson

So mum has to cancel her plans? Or is that not even a thought? If it’s not covid there is no reason dad can’t care for his sick children at his house.

So you take a test.[/quote]
I was referring to the posters assertion of it not being covid.

whetherpigshavewings · 26/03/2021 15:33

YANBU to want to protect your baby

but for things like this, you should consider the step-kids like yours: would you keep your older children because of a cough and temperature? Of course not. So it's normal they go to their father.

That's the problem with blended families: you get all the inconvenience of real children but none of the positive and none of the rights to discipline, make decision etc.

Plus on MN many separated posters hate their ex husbands and new partner, so a lot of resentment always shows. It's a pity separated couples can't behave with reason, but there you go.

Lentillover1900 · 26/03/2021 15:33

What will you do if you go on to have a second, and this one is ill as a toddler / child?

Get your partner to move in to a b&b with him?

With family, and these children are your family, you suck it up.

Youseethethingis · 26/03/2021 15:33

All this “if they were your kids” talk is meaningless because if they were her kids she could make the decision to have them tested and how to arrange their care etc.

But they aren’t hers and she doesn’t get to decide anything.

Original poster
Whereso · 26/03/2021 15:34

Who said you're 'dad's girlfriend' and not 'step-mum' and out you in your box, OP?

His eldest was having a particularly hard time dealing with lockdown and not being in school, she had a meltdown at home and said she wanted to come and live here with dad and her other mum.

His ex phoned DP and asked him to intervene and talk her down. He did.

He reiterated that she only has one mum and I'm not her step mum because we're not married and just boyfriend/girlfriend.

That upset me as I did actually consider them my step children of sort, despite not being married.

He seemed to be annoyed at the prospect of them seeing me as a step mother/second mother, and went on a tangent about how his father has been in a relationship for over 25 years but that still doesn't make her his step mother.

I expect that the root of his stance is him not wanting to upset his ex as something like that would have been hard for her to hear.

Still, he made it clear I'm not their step mother and as we have no plans to marry (my choice as much as his) I never will be.

OP posts:
Lentillover1900 · 26/03/2021 15:35

I fail to see relevance, as sad as it is, of your history to the situation in the slightest

LolaSmiles · 26/03/2021 15:38

sadie9
I'd think the replies would have been different if the fact one of the children has a cover symptom requiring testing was in the first post, and if the OP didn't repeatedly say it was fine for the kids to go to the park, be in a car with DP, go to Macdonald's.

Reaponses would have been very different if the thread had said:
One of my step children has developed a new persistent cough, but DP and his ex have decided not to get the child tested and are continuing to go about their lives as normal. AIBU to say that DSC with a cough needs to be tested, they should isolate at their mum's and I don't want DSC to come to our house until they test negative or have completed their isolation? To make matters worse, I'm pregnant and DP isn't taking it seriously.

I'd bet the responses would have been unanimously saying YANBU, your DP and his ex need to follow the bloody rules, the kids need to isolate and if he chooses to see his kids he can stay somewhere else until they test negative.

Lentillover1900 · 26/03/2021 15:38

Your ex sounds sensible

cherrytreesa · 26/03/2021 15:39

This thread is a disgrace. Typical step-mum bashing. look at this pathetic comment...

Definitelty fair, but she didn't say they were covid symptoms

I honestly despair. Posters literally needing it spelled out to them that we're in the middle of a pandemic. OP of course you're right to be cautious.

Notonthestairs · 26/03/2021 15:39

The child with a cough should have been tested before attending school or visiting anywhere else. That was down to their mother and father. Poor parenting and cavalier attitude to other people's health.

I'm not a step mother and I'm not pregnant and I'd be pissed off. They've ignored a potential problem/short term issue and created a new one for the Op as she now needs to be tested.

Original poster
Whereso · 26/03/2021 15:40

@Lentillover1900

I fail to see relevance, as sad as it is, of your history to the situation in the slightest
Fab. Plenty do.

To answer a PP's question, he contributes to the mortgage and utilities.

OP posts:
Lentillover1900 · 26/03/2021 15:40

@LolaSmiles

sadie9 I'd think the replies would have been different if the fact one of the children has a cover symptom requiring testing was in the first post, and if the OP didn't repeatedly say it was fine for the kids to go to the park, be in a car with DP, go to Macdonald's.

Reaponses would have been very different if the thread had said:
One of my step children has developed a new persistent cough, but DP and his ex have decided not to get the child tested and are continuing to go about their lives as normal. AIBU to say that DSC with a cough needs to be tested, they should isolate at their mum's and I don't want DSC to come to our house until they test negative or have completed their isolation? To make matters worse, I'm pregnant and DP isn't taking it seriously.

I'd bet the responses would have been unanimously saying YANBU, your DP and his ex need to follow the bloody rules, the kids need to isolate and if he chooses to see his kids he can stay somewhere else until they test negative.

You have just created an entirely different thread that.

Of course responses would be different if the OP was completely different Hmm

Purpleapplepeach · 26/03/2021 15:43

@PurpleDaisies

You didn’t say they had covid symptoms before. If that’s true they needed to he isolating so wouldn’t have been able to go anywhere outdoors.
To be fair I think OP mentioned a covid test after catching what the dc had so I don’t think she’s drip fed or anything

OP I understand your concern totally especially after loss. I hope you are ok x

PapaSierra · 26/03/2021 15:45

Fucking hate this place and the hypocrisy against step parents sometimes.

THEY ARE NOT YOUR CHILDREN, THEY HAVE TWO PARENTS AND YOU ARE NOT IT

Same posters:

YOU ARE PUTTING YOUR BABY BEFORE YOUR STEPCHILDREN. IT IS THEIR HOME AS MUCH AS YOURS

How predictable. Sad

EmbarrassingMama · 26/03/2021 15:46

Can you please post a link to the source for Covid being related to a higher incidence of miscarriage?

Bibidy · 26/03/2021 15:46

@UhtredRagnarson

There is another option where a pregnant woman doesn't get exposed to whatever the kids are suffering with - covid or not!

They'd literally be in their main home with their own mum if OP's DP had just rearranged his days with them.

So mum has to cancel her plans? Or is that not even a thought? If it’s not covid there is no reason dad can’t care for his sick children at his house.

There is, because he has an anxious and stressed newly-pregnant partner who is already worried due to their 2 previous losses. That is the reason.
cherrytreesa · 26/03/2021 15:49

I don't understand - you're happy with your partner still seeing them even though chances are he'd catch whatever it is and give it to you anyway?

I would guess OP is not happy with this but quite clearly the DCs 2 parents won't make a sensible decision to get them tested or keep them at home.

Bibidy · 26/03/2021 15:50

@PapaSierra

Fucking hate this place and the hypocrisy against step parents sometimes.

THEY ARE NOT YOUR CHILDREN, THEY HAVE TWO PARENTS AND YOU ARE NOT IT

Same posters:

YOU ARE PUTTING YOUR BABY BEFORE YOUR STEPCHILDREN. IT IS THEIR HOME AS MUCH AS YOURS

How predictable. Sad

Bingo
cherrytreesa · 26/03/2021 15:52

For the record I have no step parent/blended family experiences to bias me. You just come across as pretty awful

No shit Sherlock.

Oh and the irony, oh the irony.

jellybellybanana · 26/03/2021 15:54

Fucking hate this place and the hypocrisy against step parents sometimes.THEY ARE NOT YOUR CHILDREN, THEY HAVE TWO PARENTS AND YOU ARE NOT ITSame posters:YOU ARE PUTTING YOUR BABY BEFORE YOUR STEPCHILDREN. IT IS THEIR HOME AS MUCH AS YOURS How predictable

Your complaint is predictable, and you don't get it. It's not hypocrisy, that's what step parenting is! They aren't your children, you aren't their parent, and yet you do have sacrifice sometimes for them. Your children cannot always come first and your have to make compromises you may hate. It can suck massively. It's hard.
But's thats how it works.
If you choose to have kids with someone who already has kids, you have to suck it up. Your partner can't have your kid as top of the list all the time, they have to balance them all. And therefore so do you.

whetherpigshavewings · 26/03/2021 15:54

All this “if they were your kids” talk is meaningless because if they were her kids she could make the decision to have them tested and how to arrange their care etc.

not really

You don't get rid of your kids when they are sick even if you are pregnant. When they are YOUR kids, it actually make no difference if they test positive or not, you don't lock them in their bedroom.

Sansaplans · 26/03/2021 15:56

I dont think you're being unreasonable if they had covid symptoms. He could have arranged a video call and then perhaps if everyone was on board such as his ex, had extra time with them when they were better.

thatsgotit · 26/03/2021 15:56

Can't believe the YABUs on this. The stepparent hate on this forum sometimes makes me despair (and fume).

Of course the OP's DH should be helping to protect the OP from the risk of infection at a time like this. We're not talking day-to-day sniffles and runny noses here, there's Covid fucking 19 to be considered FFS. Do some of the posters on here ever watch the news?

It shouldn't even need to be debated. If something like this is explained correctly and kindly to the 'poor' (give me strength) kids, it's not going to make them feel unwelcome - it's up to the OP's DH and ex to parent effectively enough to convey they aren't being rejected. Of course it's harder atm because DH can't just take them out for the day instead, but they could all go for a walk or some other outdoorsy thing together if they're in the same bubble.

Newsflash: it does not kill children to realise they can't always be top priority and that sometimes other people's needs trump theirs. And has it occurred to anyone who thinks the OP should put herself and her impending baby at risk to appease the DSC, that they are effectively implying she should prioritise the unborn child lower than the DSC? Disgusting.

Before anyone asks, yes I am a stepparent and have a good relationship with my DSD. But if I'd been in OP's shoes when DSD was younger, yes I'd have expected DH to sensitively explain to DSD that I couldn't risk catching anything. And I'm certain she'd have been fine with it.

OP I hope these awful replies haven't upset you too much. Hope it all goes well for you and the new little one.