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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want partner having kids here when they're ill?

981 replies

Whereso · 26/03/2021 11:50

Because I'm vulnerable, pregnant in my first trimester after two losses and feel like crap as it is.

They come for their tea twice a week and stay over every other weekend.

His ex had the decency to let him know in advance that they weren't well but he failed to mention that to me and brought them here anyway, they weren't due to stay over and were just coming for tea so he could've easily taken them to the park or picked up a McDonald's/burger king.

Low and behold I've caught whatever it is and have a temp so will need to be tested for covid now, if only to rule it out.

AIBU to be pissed off with him?

OP posts:
donewithitalltodayandxmas · 26/03/2021 15:10

@RevolvingPivot still no if they have covid symptoms , the law is quite clear and what of her dp caught it , he would then bring it home and pass on to others of just ignores symptoms

SmokedDuck · 26/03/2021 15:12

@AnaofBroceliande

But of course that puts a lot on the mother to have to keep kids at home and such and might not be appreciated by her either.

It's not just that. The mum and dad are still parents to the two children who were here first. The resident parent may have arranged something vital like her work schedule, caring duties, studies or the like around the other parents' contact time.

It's not reasonable to then end the contact every time they have a sniffle just because the new partner is pregnant.

This man was first a father to those children and needs to prioritise them. Women are always told to prioritise their children over a relationship and put the kids they have here already first.

The issue is that it may not be a sniffle. A new cough comes under covid symptoms.

If children are needing to be tested, they are NOT supposed to be changing households. They are to test and isolate. The goal being to avoid infecting another household.

The problem being that the dad and mum made the decision that it was "just a cold" but the SM tends to think they should have been tested.

So does she get a say, given that it affects her directly?

elliejjtiny · 26/03/2021 15:13

Sorry but this is what happens when you are pregnant and either you or your partner have older dc. My then 5 year old got a cold when my now 7 year old was in nicu. So I got the cold, then the baby got the cold, then the baby got an infection and had to be in isolation for the next 4 weeks. I was gutted but it's nobody's fault and these things happen.

goldielockdown2 · 26/03/2021 15:14

Households where a parent lives don't count. People are still expected to parent Covid or not. It's up to the individual what they do with the info.

Original poster
Whereso · 26/03/2021 15:14

You're making yourself sound awful

I couldn't give a shit at this point to be honest, I've had over 10 pages of such vitriol I'm becoming immune to it.

Only on mumsnet would somebody in my position receive both barrels.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 26/03/2021 15:14

Another one who doesn't think you are unreasonable at all.

When your baby arrives I mist definitely hope tou will put YOUR baby first.

Unfortunately for you, you have gotten involved with a man with young children.

How convenient for him that you have a lovely home.

It's marvellous the way these Dads always manage to land on their feet with a childless woman, career and in your case your own home. Bingo.

Does he look after HIS children when the visit YOUR home or is he one of those prizes that got a girlfriend as quick as possible to avoid parenting his children?

A new baby is life changing.
Make absolutely sure that you go back to work and don't get used for childcare whilst on mat leave as often is the case on MN.

Being a step mother, with precious few exceptions on MN, reads as being the most thankless job.

Lots of parenting and skivvying but absolutely thankless.

You were very firmly put in your place that you are girlfriend and nothing else.
Excellent.

You definitely should not be writing that his children won't come first.
Why would you write that?

Your child in YOUR home should come first.

If he IS one of the lazy wasters who has gotten involved with you so that YOU do the skivvying for his children, you would be well advised to pull the hell back.

If you don't you are going to be one very sad new mum trying to look after a new born and your boyfriend's children.

Make sure he cooks, shops and cleans up after them.

The fact that he deliberately didn't tell you that the children were unwell despite his Ex thoughtfully informing him, does not bode well.
Is he all about suiting himself?
Sounds like it.

Protect yourself.
Flowers

donewithitalltodayandxmas · 26/03/2021 15:16

@goldielockdown2 sorry where does it that , the rule is stay home
The exception maybe if mum also was ill and couldn't look after kids , dad might step in or emergency etc
If a child lives with one parent and has covid symptoms they isolate at home with that parent , not go and visit the other

ZoeCM · 26/03/2021 15:16

I haven't read the full thread, so I'm sorry if someone has already asked this. If you get pregnant a year or two after you've had this baby, and he/she gets sick, will you send him/her to live with grandparents in case they pass something on to you and the new baby?

goldielockdown2 · 26/03/2021 15:17

On the gov website I think, done. I got all the info about a year ago when this started, as someone who coparents.

Tigerchips · 26/03/2021 15:17

Why is your partner going out at all when you both should be isolating?!

Rtmhwales · 26/03/2021 15:17

I don't really get it. You're okay with your DP seeing the kids, potentially contracting whatever it is .. so presumably he needs to stay out of your house with whatever he has too?

UhtredRagnarson · 26/03/2021 15:18

There is another option where a pregnant woman doesn't get exposed to whatever the kids are suffering with - covid or not!

They'd literally be in their main home with their own mum if OP's DP had just rearranged his days with them.

So mum has to cancel her plans? Or is that not even a thought? If it’s not covid there is no reason dad can’t care for his sick children at his house.

LadyCluck · 26/03/2021 15:19

YANBU OP.

It’s your home - if they were ill you should have been consulted before he brought them over.

You’ll get the anti-stepmum brigade out in force though no doubt bleating “poor kids”.

We’re usually expected to suck it up and get on with it. Heaven forbid we should be allowed a say in our own homes.

TonTonMacoute · 26/03/2021 15:20

YANBU

Your DP should have warned you before bringing the DCs over.

True, he may have caught it from them, and then he may have passed it on to you, but that is not the point.

This time of year is a bugger for colds, so hopefully that is all it is. Annoying when you are pregnant though.

stackemhigh · 26/03/2021 15:20

Never feel bad for prioritising your baby over someone else’s kids.
A bit of consideration from your DP wouldn’t have gone amiss.

This with bells on. Who said you're 'dad's girlfriend' and not 'step-mum' and out you in your box, OP?

It's your house, put yourself an your baby first.

Is he paying his fair share for him and his kids?

HalfTermHalfTerm · 26/03/2021 15:21

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. If they have covid symptoms then surely they shouldn’t be moving about at all unless absolutely necessary. I’m not sure if they are legally allowed to move between houses (there was a thread about it recently but opinions seemed to differ) but it seems ridiculous to put more people at risk. If my partner’s children started showing symptoms while they were with us then I would assume that they would stay with us until they’d had a negative test, especially if they hadn’t seen their mum for the 48 hours beforehand. No reason for her to be put at risk unnecessarily when we would be self isolating at home anyway.

I hope you have a healthy rest of your pregnancy Flowers

stackemhigh · 26/03/2021 15:21

@UhtredRagnarson

So mum has to cancel her plans? Or is that not even a thought? If it’s not covid there is no reason dad can’t care for his sick children at his house.

So you take a test.

donewithitalltodayandxmas · 26/03/2021 15:22

@goldielockdown2 I understand children can go between houses as normal but I don't think that applies if covid symptoms ,as clear advice is stay home until a negative test
Why would you send a child to another parent of they have or potentially have covid and give to 2 households unless exceptional circumstances

apurplecar · 26/03/2021 15:27

@catinbootsx

The regularity of these threads is so, so depressing.

These poor kids.

It really is.

We used to go to my dad's come what may. Even stomach bugs.

Fathers, good ones anyway, want to see their children even if they're ill.

Original poster
Whereso · 26/03/2021 15:27

I've sent his ex a message and told her about my temp and the fact we're now isolating so the children should do the same and be tested.

I agree they should have been tested well before now as soon as DC#2 developed the cough. Unfortunately a judgement call was made that it's likely not covid as it's only a 'little' cough and they don't have temperatures.

Unbeknownst, I assume, to them - a runny nose is also a symptom and is the only one my friends DC had when he had covid (apart from feeling a bit crap in general, much like a common cold) he tested positive.

I digress, a new cough is reason alone to be tested.

I fully believe that his ex was under the impression DP shared the info with me about them being ill, if she had any doubt as to his intentions to tell me then I believe/hope she would've told me herself. She isn't the problem.

After DP decided he wanted to have them regardless of not being well the onus was on him to let me know. He chose not to do that and I guarantee it's because he couldn't be bothered with me kicking up a fuss AKA worrying.

He's a good father to them (aside this!) and when they're here he does everything he's supposed to, cooking for them, helping with homework etc but naturally as they're girls they gravitate to me a lot.

I do take issue with how blase he has been and the conversation is far from over.

I'll get my test within a day or two then should have results soon after. Fingers crossed.

OP posts:
CirqueDeMorgue · 26/03/2021 15:30

Meh, Covid is here to stay, people are going to have to stop letting it consume them. As far as I'm aware, a runny nose isn't a reason to get tested and I'm surprised the other child hasn't been sent home from school with a continuous cough.

Finelinehere · 26/03/2021 15:30

OP, good luck with the pregnancy. I appreciate you are saying you welcome the kids normally and are worried about your previous losses. Also appreciate PPs saying if they were your kids you wouldnt have a choice. Is there another way e.g. you could stay in your room, go for a walk or stay a bit with your friends/family? or (can of worms here) DP could meet them in their house?

Ivy455 · 26/03/2021 15:30

I actually agree with OP. Being pregnant is a weird and scary time without illness on top of it. It wouldn't have killed them to eat out and go for a walk. It hardly makes her an evil stepmother who hates his kids.

goldielockdown2 · 26/03/2021 15:31

Some people just don't see it like that, done. I don't know what else to say.
If OP doesn't want to be around her stepkids then she needs to find a way to avoid them as their dad is willing to parent them as usual.

Bubblebu · 26/03/2021 15:31

you decided (presumably with full advanced knowledge) to have a child with someone who already has children............

if you wanted to be the "one and only" you could have found someone who does not already have children