To not want partner having kids here when they're ill?

[Whereso]

Because I'm vulnerable, pregnant in my first trimester after two losses and feel like crap as it is.

They come for their tea twice a week and stay over every other weekend.

His ex had the decency to let him know in advance that they weren't well but he failed to mention that to me and brought them here anyway, they weren't due to stay over and were just coming for tea so he could've easily taken them to the park or picked up a McDonald's/burger king.

Low and behold I've caught whatever it is and have a temp so will need to be tested for covid now, if only to rule it out.

AIBU to be pissed off with him?

@donewithitalltodayandxmas

Im still confused !! Your first post said children unwell and you didn't think he should have them so most said yabu Then you mentioned one actually had coVid symptoms so most don't think its unreasonable they don't come , but also point out that dad picking them up and taking to park/ macdonalds is also unreasonable and not allowed, and is a risk to him as well , who could then bring back to you. What they are all saying is if covid symptoms then a test is essential and isolating until that result which means they stay with mum and she should be getting a test for the child.

You say you are having a test now ,as you have a high temp so I assume your partner is now isolating until you have your result

One of the children has a cough and the other just has a very runny nose.

I mentioned taking them out in the car as I knew for a fact I would be crucified for saying he shouldn't see them this week.

Neither mum nor DP are concerned enough about covid to have them tested, apparently I'm being OTT and it's just a little cough.

I have come down with something, unsurprisingly, and have a fluctuating temp of 38.1 - 38.7 and I have ordered a test.

DP is isolating now at my insistence but is doing so reluctantly because he's not remotely concerned.

@LolaSmiles

for some reason OP is just supposed to put her unborn child last Of course she isn't. However, she can't pick and choose which bits of the covid rules apply.

This has nothing to do with someone being a step parent and everything to do with the simple facts that:

1. If the kids have covid symptoms then their parents need to ensure they are isolating and tested, so not going to schools and the park and McDonald's and everywhere else. If their parents aren't doing this then they're out if order.
2. If the OP has symptoms then she needs to get a covid test, not to rule it out, but because that's been the state of play for the last year.
3. If the children don't actually have covid symptoms but are just under the weather then that's not grounds to deny them coming to their father's house

If 1 was the case then the thread would surely have been 'AIBU to think stepchildren should be isolating as they have one of the 3 main covid symptoms that require a test', not 'I don't want DSC in my house when they're unwell, but they can go to the park and to McDonald's instead'.

These things are all true, but I think the real issue is something the OP hasn't quite articulated in her posts, and maybe to herself: the mum and dad decided the symptoms weren't worth dealing with as covid protocol demands, but the OP kind of thinks they should have been, but doesn't feel able to second guess them.

So she's kind of trying to split the difference, by not contradicting them, (and maybe particularly the mum which would be an awkward thing to do as a step-mum) but wishing her dh would not bring them into direct contact with her and instead do some less risky things elsewhere.

I think that is a very understandable way to try and approach what is really a common problem of step-parents, which is they end up having to accept a lot of things the biological parents decide, even though they themselves are very much affected, or they risk causing a lot of drama. They kind of depend on the spouse to look out for them in the equation.

So the question becomes - should the dad have said, you know what, cough is a covid symptom and arguably we should get it tested even though we think it's related to cold. Given that SM is especially worried about illness right now maybe we should go ahead with doing that.

But of course that puts a lot on the mother to have to keep kids at home and such and might not be appreciated by her either.

There isn't a great answer but it might have be better to really talk through where different decisions might have been made.

@catinbootsx

The regularity of these threads is so, so depressing.

These poor kids.

Yep! It's usually always a man who goes on to have a second family with someone who's had no kids from what I've seen (single mums usually have primary custody so no choice if they get pregnant again).

He's still their father, OP. He has a right to contact even though you are pregnant and to take them out.

I do agree that you're BU, but also, you're pregnant, have experienced loss and after a year of pandemic no less. You're bound to be paranoid. Don't take it to heart. Being a parent is difficult, you worry all the time and it's not always easy to make the right choice. I'd take a deep breath, and leave the thread. You clearly care about your DP's kids, as well as feel protective about your little one, which is all good and normal. You were wrong on this occasion, but nothing came of it. I do also think that your DP was very wrong not to tell you. Anyway, congratulations on your baby!

Small final thing, DP's ex she isn't their BM, she's just their Mum. Birth Mum is for when kids are adopted.

Unfortunately OP you've got a massive DP problem if he thinks that the covid rules don't apply to him.
I'd honestly go as far to wonder whether he is following reasonable measures throughout his life if this is his attitude to you having symptoms.

It sounds harsh, but is he selfish in other areas of his life? What's he likely to be like when baby is here? Is he planning on jumping back to normal as soon as restrictions ease? It might be less stressful for you for him to live elsewhere whilst you're pregnant if he has form for this sort of thing.

@Whereso honestly, you are not in the wrong and tbh children need to be taught that if they are sick etc it's good not to spread it, in return they will also expect not to put at risk too.

Even before covid, I made it very clear to anyone that if they have a cold or not, to stay away. It caused issues with in-laws and my own family but now they just think I'm neurotic and wacky and follow my boundaries lmao so I don't care but

And yes it will be different with our own children etc because they live with us and we can't help it, but we CAN help it with people outside our households bringing it in our homes. Covid or not.

I think people get bitter on here as it touches close to home.

Xxx

He's still their father, OP. He has a right to contact even though you are pregnant and to take them out.

Of course he does, despite being worried about the risk I would never tell him he can't see them that's not my place and I have no right, but I do have the right to want to protect myself and unborn by him not having that contact here when they're ill.

Some people are being ridiculous to you, OP. Of course your partner should have let you know the situation before it was too late for you to do anything about it. Maybe you could have go out, yourself, for long enough to avoid catching whatever they have. (Hope you feel well again soon!)

Incidentally, I suppose this makes me the most selfish being in the universe, but I'm not pregnant, and I'd still go out of my way to avoid catching even a cold. It's miserable. If someone I live with is ill, I have to accept that I'll probably catch it, but I avoid mixing with others who are ill, when at all possible. Why would you expose yourself unnecessarily, when there are other alternatives available?

I’m sure you already realise this OP but you have a DP problem and sadly it’s highly likely you’re in for a lifetime of stress at his hands. He doesn’t care enough to get his DC covid tests. That does bode well for his intentions to care appropriately for your child.

Did people miss the fact the op is in early pregnancy and has already had 2 losses? There was an easy alternative here and although I'm nota step mother I would feel exactly the same as op.

But of course that puts a lot on the mother to have to keep kids at home and such and might not be appreciated by her either.

It's not just that. The mum and dad are still parents to the two children who were here first. The resident parent may have arranged something vital like her work schedule, caring duties, studies or the like around the other parents' contact time.

It's not reasonable to then end the contact every time they have a sniffle just because the new partner is pregnant.

This man was first a father to those children and needs to prioritise them. Women are always told to prioritise their children over a relationship and put the kids they have here already first.

Agreed.

And I don't understand the "if they were your children and they lived with you..." They aren't and they don't? There is another option where a pregnant woman doesn't get exposed to whatever the kids are suffering with - covid or not!

They'd literally be in their main home with their own mum if OP's DP had just rearranged his days with them.

Early in her pregnancy and following two losses, OP is totally within her rights to be nervous, it's completely normal and if she had posted about being anxious due to her losses but not mentioned anything about her stepchildren I bet 99% of people who are calling her ridiculous on this thread would be sympathetic.

@Whereso with the cough you would if totally been in right to say no but also even your partner seeing them is a risk as he could contract and bring it back to you , plus its against the rules , and no on here I don't think you would of been slated for saying he didn't see them when one has covid symptoms as thats the law and by knowingly seeing someone with symptoms and then going about your business , work , home to pregnant girlfriend etc put other people at risk

I agree with those of you saying it's a DP problem.

The “risk” to his existing children of doing as the OP wanted is having tea in the park - so no harm done at all

They have covid symptoms. This is the exact thing the OP is so worried about. Again, why do you think it's ok for them to be eating in a park when they have covid symptoms? And that there is no harm in this? You mean no harm to the OP? There could be a lot of harm done to other people who could be just as vulnerable.

@AnaofBroceliande

But of course that puts a lot on the mother to have to keep kids at home and such and might not be appreciated by her either.

It's not just that. The mum and dad are still parents to the two children who were here first. The resident parent may have arranged something vital like her work schedule, caring duties, studies or the like around the other parents' contact time.

It's not reasonable to then end the contact every time they have a sniffle just because the new partner is pregnant.

This man was first a father to those children and needs to prioritise them. Women are always told to prioritise their children over a relationship and put the kids they have here already first.

@AnaofBroceliande

The OP was not suggesting he don’t have contact with them, just that the venue change.

Jesus Christ some of the replies on here are awful!! For those of you that have kids are you seriously telling me you would have put your unborn child at unnecessary risk no matter what the situation....I think not!! Not only that the op has had 2 previous early losses so she’s trying her hardest to take any risk away and has also went on to say she was being unreasonable a long time ago ( I don’t think you were op I would have reacted the same as you ) but let’s be honest, no matter what she says now someone is going to jump on her for it I know it’s AIBU but is there any need for the spiteful and nasty replies? Hope everything goes well from here on in with the pregnancy and here’s hoping by the time your little one arrives we’ll be back to some sort of “ normal “ op

@Beseigedbykillersquirrels

The “risk” to his existing children of doing as the OP wanted is having tea in the park - so no harm done at all

They have covid symptoms. This is the exact thing the OP is so worried about. Again, why do you think it's ok for them to be eating in a park when they have covid symptoms? And that there is no harm in this? You mean no harm to the OP? There could be a lot of harm done to other people who could be just as vulnerable.

As I said in another post, if there are covid symptoms they should be at home and not having contact with their father at all.

I'm sorry that you're feeling crap but this is part of the deal that comes from having a relationship with a man who's already a dad. He can't opt out of parenting because his kids are under the weather. I assume that you appreciate that there is the real possibility of his kids living with you full time, in the future? You never know what's around the corner.

@Whereso

He's still their father, OP. He has a right to contact even though you are pregnant and to take them out.

Of course he does, despite being worried about the risk I would never tell him he can't see them that's not my place and I have no right, but I do have the right to want to protect myself and unborn by him not having that contact here when they're ill.

Well then where is he supposed to have the contact then?

To be fair non of the McDonald's near us are open to eat in so maybe the op meant to go through the drive thru and eat it in the car.

@Whereso

If they were my children I wouldn't be sending them anywhere with covid symptoms, no.

That's by the by though.

I get he needs to see them but the weather has been lovely he could have quite easily made an adaptation on this occasion without causing any inconvenience to his ex or the children.

You're making yourself sound awful.

It's down to you to take yourself away or stay in bed to keep away from them if you don't want to risk being in contact with his kids.

@Whereso hope you get a negative result and feel better soon, you probably do need to speak to your dp about this.
Covid symptoms he has to accept no contact until negative as he's putting lots of people at risk as well as you
All other bugs etc he needs to discuss with you also as some illnesses are not good if pregnant and if you can avoid ,and normally very ill kids want to just stay home anyway.
Good luck also with pregnancy and make sure he is looking after you now your poorly as well

The mum and dad are still parents to the two children who were here first. The resident parent may have arranged something vital like her work schedule, caring duties, studies or the like around the other parents' contact time

No the mother told the DP - so he was aware and she gave him the choice.

We all know that the children should isolate and stay home

It’s been a year. It’s not difficult to understand is it?