To not want partner having kids here when they're ill?

[Whereso]

Because I'm vulnerable, pregnant in my first trimester after two losses and feel like crap as it is.

They come for their tea twice a week and stay over every other weekend.

His ex had the decency to let him know in advance that they weren't well but he failed to mention that to me and brought them here anyway, they weren't due to stay over and were just coming for tea so he could've easily taken them to the park or picked up a McDonald's/burger king.

Low and behold I've caught whatever it is and have a temp so will need to be tested for covid now, if only to rule it out.

AIBU to be pissed off with him?

How is it in the children's best interest to potentially infect their dad, his girlfriend and their unborn sibling with covid?

@PandaFluff

How is it in the children's best interest to potentially infect their dad, his girlfriend and their unborn sibling with covid?

Because we're evil and deserve nothing less

There are two separate issues.

1. If children might have Covid, then that's a special case, they stay home and get tested. Normal rules are suspended.

1. If children have something else, and kids have colds, tummy bugs, nits, or something grim much of the time, then they still see their dad if mum & dad agree, as that's what parenting means. You don't get to opt out of parenting just in case you catch something.

@PandaFluff

How is it in the children's best interest to potentially infect their dad, his girlfriend and their unborn sibling with covid?

Well apparently she shouldn’t have started a relationship with a man with kids if she didn’t want to potentially put her pregnancy at risk to avoid the children having a picnic in the park instead of tea at home.

He can't (well, shouldn't, he probably will thogh) put yours above his older ones. Which is what you want, yours to come first. And its not even born yet.If you want your child to always come first in your house, you shouldn't have had it with someone who already has children

What on earth are you talking about?

I don't think either of the three children (including unborn) should come before one another when this one is here, except it's not here yet is it - and I'm anxious about viability after two losses so I want to avoid risks at all costs.

I can’t believe you’ve willingly had a baby (obviously a planned pregnancy) with this guy

I wonder how you’ll feel about this all when he is with his next girlfriend, in her house

@SpareBib

There are two separate issues.

1. If children might have Covid, then that's a special case, they stay home and get tested. Normal rules are suspended.

1. If children have something else, and kids have colds, tummy bugs, nits, or something grim much of the time, then they still see their dad if mum & dad agree, as that's what parenting means. You don't get to opt out of parenting just in case you catch something.

Agreed it’s helpful to make a distinction. But he isn’t opting out of parenting. He would still see them and parent them.

My niece and nephew have covid at the moment, they have sore throats and runny noses as their only symptoms. That’s really common. OP is entitled to be worried that it could be covid even if they aren’t caught by self isolation rules and only appear to have colds. She’s trying to hang on to her baby after 2 losses and I can’t believe the lack of empathy being shown by some (I don’t mean you sparebib)

Op is your partner now isolating why you await your test results

@Brunt0n

I can’t believe you’ve willingly had a baby (obviously a planned pregnancy) with this guy

I wonder how you’ll feel about this all when he is with his next girlfriend, in her house

Why not?

To answer your second question, if we're ever in another pandemic and the new girlfriend is in the same situation as me then I would totally understand her concern having been there myself.

The thing is, knowing BM as I do, I can't imagine her being half as snipey as you lot on here and they're her children.

Sorry, I also think YABU.
I wouldn't take my kids anywhere outdoors if they have these symptoms (not just in covid times). If the kids are unwell keeping them out in the car for a drive thru McDonalds or going to the park would not even cross my mind.
In future could you just be in a different room while they are visiting with a cold if you're concerned.
Also - what's this link between covid and miscarriage? Everything I've read says there is no link between coronavirus and miscarriage or how a baby develops?

OP honestly, just stop engaging. There is no point posting on this site as a step-parent or the partner or someone with children, people just get the knives out.

**It doesn't matter what you think about the risk!
If you are saying the children have covered symptoms then they should be ISOLATING and getting tested.

(Bangs head on wall). We are a year into this.*

^This with bells on. It’s certainly been repeated on Mumsnet threads throughout the pandemic, as well as on every news site.

Hi Op,

Just to say as someone who has also lost a pregnancy that I think it makes you more cautious the next time - I'm sure that's representative of the majority. I would be feeling the same as you. I agree it's an unusual situation and also short term so your other half should be more sympathetic.
Take care!

Thank you Fridget x

Op is your partner now isolating why you await your test results

Yes he is, extremely reluctantly and at my behest because he thinks I'm being ridiculous!

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. We are in a pandemic and of course even in normal times I wouldn't wanna catch a cold so why would we wanna risk anything now?!

In January as I was approaching third trimester, MIL told me that BiL (7) had a sore throat, cough etc. Few days later older BiIL (25) demanded to come to the house to see DH and our new house and DH felt awkward saying no despite the fact we followed the rules religiously. He made an exception even though I said, clearly there is sickness in the house.

No word of a lie, 3 days later, my toddler was full of it, coughing, can't sleep, congested, ended up in a&e with croup, swollen throat. It was horrendous. Negative covid thankfully but then I came down with it and i couldn't even move. A proper bad cold/flu. And I find it a coincidence that we got ILL after BiL visited us inside the house knowing the other brother was poorly.

So I don't think it's unreasonable to not let sick kids that don't live with you full time in the house. What happens when your baby is born and they are sick? You have to expose your newborn to sickness? Fuck that. If those kids lived full time then that's just part of parcel of life but considering they don't it's not appropriate to put you at risk

@katnyps

Hi Op,

Just to say as someone who has also lost a pregnancy that I think it makes you more cautious the next time - I'm sure that's representative of the majority. I would be feeling the same as you. I agree it's an unusual situation and also short term so your other half should be more sympathetic.
Take care!

Thank you Kat, I'm really sorry for your loss x

Ugh, the spitefulness on here! Why?

What's really disconcerting is the implication that a woman must bend over backwards, without any compromises being made, whatever the circumstances, regardless of any risks to her health (or that of her unborn child), to accommodate the needs of everyone else. No wonder this tendency to discount ourselves can affect us in every sphere of life.

I don't get why it would have been so difficult for other plans to have been made temporarily, or why so many on here are putting the boot in.

@meganjoon

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. We are in a pandemic and of course even in normal times I wouldn't wanna catch a cold so why would we wanna risk anything now?!

In January as I was approaching third trimester, MIL told me that BiL (7) had a sore throat, cough etc. Few days later older BiIL (25) demanded to come to the house to see DH and our new house and DH felt awkward saying no despite the fact we followed the rules religiously. He made an exception even though I said, clearly there is sickness in the house.

No word of a lie, 3 days later, my toddler was full of it, coughing, can't sleep, congested, ended up in a&e with croup, swollen throat. It was horrendous. Negative covid thankfully but then I came down with it and i couldn't even move. A proper bad cold/flu. And I find it a coincidence that we got ILL after BiL visited us inside the house knowing the other brother was poorly.

So I don't think it's unreasonable to not let sick kids that don't live with you full time in the house. What happens when your baby is born and they are sick? You have to expose your newborn to sickness? Fuck that. If those kids lived full time then that's just part of parcel of life but considering they don't it's not appropriate to put you at risk

Thank you Megan

Sorry to hear you were all unwell, that sounds awful!

What happens when your baby is born and they are sick? You have to expose your newborn to sickness? Fuck that. If those kids lived full time then that's just part of parcel of life but considering they don't it's not appropriate to put you at risk

Oh god yes, absolutely this. Brilliant point.

Im still confused !! Your first post said children unwell and you didn't think he should have them so most said yabu
Then you mentioned one actually had coVid symptoms so most don't think its unreasonable they don't come , but also point out that dad picking them up and taking to park/ macdonalds is also unreasonable and not allowed, and is a risk to him as well , who could then bring back to you.
What they are all saying is if covid symptoms then a test is essential and isolating until that result which means they stay with mum and she should be getting a test for the child.

You say you are having a test now ,as you have a high temp so I assume your partner is now isolating until you have your result

@Alcemeg

Ugh, the spitefulness on here! Why?

What's really disconcerting is the implication that a woman must bend over backwards, without any compromises being made, whatever the circumstances, regardless of any risks to her health (or that of her unborn child), to accommodate the needs of everyone else. No wonder this tendency to discount ourselves can affect us in every sphere of life.

I don't get why it would have been so difficult for other plans to have been made temporarily, or why so many on here are putting the boot in.

Thank you Alce, I couldn't agree more!

@Diamondella

OP I wouldn’t have bothered coming on to mumsnet for advice, step mums tend to get blasted one here whatever they say (and I’m not a step mum myself) You’re pregnant and you’re worried about your unborn baby being exposed to avoidable risk, perfectly normal and understandable. Out of every one involved in this whole situation the unborn child is the most clinically vulnerable, so it’s a natural instinct to protect your child. I wouldn’t fall out with your partner about this though, try not to get stressed, be glad that he seems to be a decent dad to his children and when the time is right just mention that whilst you’re pregnant and Covid is still rife you’re worried about the risks to the baby of passing stuff on. I would also seek advice from your midwife as to the risks etc and how best to manage them. Don’t listen to some of the dragons on here 😆

OP is not a step mum either.

She is not married.

PS. I really really really hope this one works out for you. Sending loads of positive thoughts xxx

@Alcemeg because its confusing and most are saying if covid symptoms as then claimed tests and isolation should if been taken place , if just a child with a sniffle then no reason for dad not to see them

Alcemeg
Women don't have to bend over backwards. This isn't about bending over backwards.

If anyone suggests it's acceptable for children who apparently have covid symptoms to not be tested and not isolate then they should expect to be challenged (man or woman).
If anyone suggests that the solution to not isolating is to go to macdonalds and to the park with covid symptoms then they should expect to be challenged (man or woman).

What's really disconcerting is the implication that a woman must bend over backwards, without any compromises being made, whatever the circumstances, regardless of any risks to her health (or that of her unborn child), to accommodate the needs of everyone else. No wonder this tendency to discount ourselves can affect us in every sphere of life.

Oh stop it. That's not it at all. Nothing but a whiny justification for selfishness.