DH has told me of a rumour...

[daffodilcity]

DH is a teacher and just called on his way home to say there's a rumour in the year 10 and 11 class that he's an item with a female teacher in his department (he's the only male in his department).

Now, I have OCD and get very anxious about this kind of thing. He's been at the school less than a year, but I still think it's weird. Especially as he says people know about me. I also have a video that went somewhat viral and so the kids at school have mentioned seeing me on that (nothing weird or bad). So it feels odd.

Is this just typical jokey kid rumours or is there something more to this?

If I’m honest, it sounds like you are spiralling.

I think you should take this ask a huge signal to get help with your anxiety and how the past is haunting you.

All relationships need trust at the foundation but when you have a hard time trusting people in the first place it it’s hard to set a solid foundation.

This is something you can work with and your day to day life will definitely be better in the long run if you stick with it.

Regardless of what is happening with you DH (it really does sound like nothing and he was just being honest) you should do it for yourself.

@daffodilcity

Sorry I do want to add that I don’t want him calling me. He usually interrupts my work with it. He always calls when he’s in the car as he feels the need to talk. Could be from school, or from tutoring or from a friends house. He always calls. It’s annoying. I usually say “I’ll speak when you’re home” as it’s just school chat.

Why pick up if you don't want him calling you?

When I taught many pupils believed a rumour that 2 female members of staff were lesbians.

Pupils were convinced. I never got involved in the discussions but knew it was definately not true. 1 of them was vv close to be named as the other woman in another, male, colleagues divorce.

Pupil rumours can be worrying, career threatening or wonderfully amusing. I once told a pupil that I’d a black belt in karate. Just the once. The rumour went on for years. Ocasionally I’d top it up, never admitting it, never denying it.

I know kids make things up but then I think “no smoke without fire”. I didn’t do this at school and can’t think of any rumours.

And yet in your very next post after this one you write about the rumour that your husband murdered someone, so you know very well that entirely false rumours can spring out of nothing.

When we were in school we had a rumour that our young male teacher was going out with Kylie Minogue 🤣 i think it is just the usual rumours Mill in school.

@daffodilcity I think I totally understand what you are feeling and why your husband has told you this.

I take it your husband knows about your anxiety/ocd? He was told of the rumour and knowing how hearing this would make you feel he told you about it, not because he is feeling guilty but because he knows hearing the rumour would trigger you.

You now feel that your anxiety and perhaps checking up on him previously is justified because you have the proof that he has been cheating and you are thinking these rumours wouldn't have started unless there was more to it. That is the ocd, it latches on to a fear and makes connections to justify your behaviour.

Phoning on the way home each day could be to break the boredom of the drive.

It's your relationship and you know what works for you.

The fact rumours have started in school is not an indicator of anything other than children having wild imaginations. But I know that won't help you and you will always have that niggle and will increase checking things to get the answers you want. Please try not to, it is a horrible cycle, the more you check, the more the niggle grows and then you check more :(

I think it is a total cop out him saying he’s frustrated with you and that he won’t tell you next time,. He has behaved stupidly in the staff room laughing along with the jokes about it. He also seems abit of a gossip and attention seeker with the amount of private info he discusses with students. I don’t think for one second he is having an affair he is like a full on clingon in terms of how much contact he needs to have with you every day. I think the amount of attention he needs is not to reassure you but to reassure him. I think he has been more anxious at this new job than he has let on and has been overcompensating with forced camaraderie that has back fired.
I really don’t think he is looking elsewhere I don’t think that is what is happening at all - I don’t think he’s cheating I think he’s just abit of a dickhead and having the students talking about ‘if he’s a murderer’ and the staff cracking jokes about him in the staff room makes him feel popular and self important.
He seems insecure and maybe trying to hard to fit in.
I think don’t overthink your reaction, but you are not being weird he is has told you about some idiots at his work, both kids and teachers who have too much time for silly gossip. He sounds immature, but seems unable to function without telling you every single detail of his day.
He just needs to look to shut down the silliness and gossip at school, contain himself until he gets home to offload and start looking for genuine respect at work not behaving like one of the students. You need to not worry.

I don't think it's weird he phoned to tell you as he phones you every day and always gives a detailed account of the day.

I remember telling my partner on the phone how the students asked me if something was going on with a male teacher. Some other female student was furious apparently as she had her eye on him until she saw our outrageous flirting on the school tour.

I burst out laughing in their faces. It was honestly so funny. He is twelve years younger than me and although a lovely bloke and good-looking, the last person I would be flirting with.

My DP said he'd better watch out now he knew what I was like on school tour. I'm pretty sure he didn't give it another thought.

When I (female) was training to be a teacher, there were rumours that I was involved with the trainee RE teacher (male). In fact, the trainee RE teacher was shagging both the geography teacher (male) and the geography teacher's (male) partner. The kids' instinct for gossip was way off.

My DH is a teacher and would never share a story like this. I honestly can't decide if your DH's judgement is in question here (sorry) or if he's telling you because there is 'something' he thinks you could find out about. I think it's much more likely to be the former though. He needs to learn to edit himself but goodness knows how to bring that about. I think I also agree with @CaraherEIL that he sounds like a bit of an attention seeker and insecure.

@OVienna so this isn’t out of character for him to tell me. He called me once when a woman asked for help getting in her house. I wouldn’t have known, it’s a non-issue, but he did think he should tell me. So I am not really suspicious of him telling me. I don’t like his reaction, after telling me instead of explaining, when I asked who told them and wanted details he got angry and frustrated and now we are in an argument. That to me says suspicious.

Before yesterday, I’d have never ever though DP would have an affair with a teacher it’s just not his MO. I’d put money on it. I think deep down I also know there’s nothing to it. But something still isn’t sitting right and I don’t like that I simply won’t know the truth or what to think.

@daffodilcity

It is reassuring to hear this is commonplace and maybe to anyone else they’d laugh it off. I really wish I was like that.

Not so reassuring about the amount of rumours that were true but I suppose this is the one job/area we’ve all had exposure to having all gone to school. A bit different to another environment like a call centre or something.

I would take rumours that turn out to be true with a pinch of salt. I had a colleague (so not even a school thing) who was OBSESSED with people being pregnant. Every time someone didnt want a drink, or didnt eat much lunch, or was off sick, she was "maybe they're pregnant". Anywat eventually, after working together for 3 years I did get pregnant. When I told work she was all "I knew it, I always know when someone is pregnant". Well yes, you have been working with 5 other women of childbearing age for years, constantly saying that they are all pregnant. Eventually you are going to be proven right. Its confirmation bias - same as constant school rumours about different teachers fancying each other. Eventually it will happen that 2 teachers are a couple. But that is nothing to do with the rumour being accurate.

[quote daffodilcity]@YouokHun yes you are probably right there. I suppose the issue is, most things are in my head, not caused by actual events. Now this is real and has happened, almost justifying my need to check and be reassured. Only, he isn’t reassuring me because he’s irritated at how upset I’ve become and now is saying “I won’t tell you in future”

Not sure this thread is helping. I was probably seeking reassurance but there’s a mix of truth to rumours as well as lies. I would never have guessed anything between them - he is never particularly late home, he is never unaccounted for and he’s barely been in the school as he started in covid. I feel awful. I feel so sick and confused.[/quote]
Listen to yourself not rumours. He is never late home, never unaccounted for, barely been in school and he talks to you constantly. When exactly would he find time to conduct an affair?

Schools are hotbeds of rumour and drama. Sure, some are true, but most of them aren't.

@CaraherEIL

I think it is a total cop out him saying he’s frustrated with you and that he won’t tell you next time,. He has behaved stupidly in the staff room laughing along with the jokes about it. He also seems abit of a gossip and attention seeker with the amount of private info he discusses with students. I don’t think for one second he is having an affair he is like a full on clingon in terms of how much contact he needs to have with you every day. I think the amount of attention he needs is not to reassure you but to reassure him. I think he has been more anxious at this new job than he has let on and has been overcompensating with forced camaraderie that has back fired. I really don’t think he is looking elsewhere I don’t think that is what is happening at all - I don’t think he’s cheating I think he’s just abit of a dickhead and having the students talking about ‘if he’s a murderer’ and the staff cracking jokes about him in the staff room makes him feel popular and self important. He seems insecure and maybe trying to hard to fit in. I think don’t overthink your reaction, but you are not being weird he is has told you about some idiots at his work, both kids and teachers who have too much time for silly gossip. He sounds immature, but seems unable to function without telling you every single detail of his day. He just needs to look to shut down the silliness and gossip at school, contain himself until he gets home to offload and start looking for genuine respect at work not behaving like one of the students. You need to not worry.

I agree. He sounds so exhausting. I'd find him really annoying I'd he was a colleague from the description you give. He sounds like he has no boundaries with the kids, talking about getting hurt one time and that person being murdered. He rings and tells you every detail of the day, weird rumours.

I'd be knackered and probably remind him that he is a teacher not their buddy. Management will not look favourably on this sort of thing.

I do think he tries hard to be their friend. In some ways it works as his progress results are always best in department and he wins a lot of the weekly awards they do. He’s SLT. Equally he reports everything to safeguarding because he’s suspicious of everything with kids, which is probably the right thing to do. But again, I shouldn’t and don’t want to know (I never know personal details don’t worry!)

I have actually banned conversation about school before. I was sick of hearing it. He’s always called that now I’d find it weird if he didn’t. I’m WFH that’s why. When I’m in the office precovid he’d text (still called a lot but I’d say I can’t answer)

He also tutors and calls be every time he goes in the car to someone’s house and back. I don’t mind too much if I’m not busy as I like to know how things are and I also tell him about my day.

I’ve actually been in to all his schools before this, usually to give a presentation about my job. I always ask he doesn’t tell them who I am - but of course he does. He loves the attention, you’re right

If staff members hang out a lot...especially during break, lunch, free time, kids think all sorts of things...

Why does he feel the need to tell you about where he is going and the fact he helped someone into their house?
No judgement just curious.
Do you have form of being a little obsessive?

It’s quite normal for some people to gossip especially in schools and colleges. Two of our teachers were seen leaving together. Rumour. They were on a course and it makes more sense to take one car!

It doesn't sound like he can win and is in a lose lose situation. If he tells you thinks then that makes you suspicious, but if he didn't tell you something that you later decide is important then that's suspicious too. It seems like he is expected to read your mind, decide not only what needs sharing now but what might get slung back at him in future if something small comes up in conversation later.

On the joking with colleagues front, I think you probably need to let it be. I was seen on a 'date' with a male friend from school. The date was us grabbing some food before we did an evening event for students but we both lived too far away to justify going home. Students love a gossip and staff generally find it quite funny and will joke about it. My friend laughed with students that he was thinking of breaking up with me and by break students came to tell me I had to dump him first. It was all good natured.

People can, and do, have affairs in any line of work, but it's not healthy to obsess.

He is being shitty to you about it because all the rumours and gossip at work make him feel good about himself but your reaction to it has made him feel bad about himself and also forced him to examine his own behaviour- not cheating I wanted to clarify but just being stupid and self important. Your reaction is entirely appropriate but it makes him uncomfortable and it’s easier to have a go at you than it is to look at himself. I think he is immensely insecure and that can sometimes create a wearing combination of neediness and belligerence- also in my experience that type of temperament can struggle with being accountable for their actions. He will either realise where he is going wrong at work and start to amend his behaviour and develop some emotional maturity or will continue being abit of a loose cannon and start to make you unhappy especially if you have kids and you have demands on your time that mean you can’t take his near incessant phone calls.

It doesn't sound like he can win and is in a lose lose situation. If he tells you thinks then that makes you suspicious, but if he didn't tell you something that you later decide is important then that's suspicious too. It seems like he is expected to read your mind, decide not only what needs sharing now but what might get slung back at him in future if something small comes up in conversation later.

Yes, exactly this. I don’t mean it unkindly but it sounds like the nature of your past experiences and your OCD mean that there is no way he could have presented (or not presented) this to you that you wouldn’t have worried about and picked over.

@UhtredRagnarson

He calls me every day on his way home and tells me what's happened.

In that case I don’t find him calling strange at all. I don’t think you’ve anything to worry about here at all.

Not at all the point of the thread, but why would your husband me calling you and telling you all the news on the way home, rather than when he gets home? Unless you work opposite shifts or something. One of the things I love about mumsnet is how you get this little insight into peoples daily lives and habits, some of which I find baffling

@riotlady

It doesn't sound like he can win and is in a lose lose situation. If he tells you thinks then that makes you suspicious, but if he didn't tell you something that you later decide is important then that's suspicious too. It seems like he is expected to read your mind, decide not only what needs sharing now but what might get slung back at him in future if something small comes up in conversation later.

Yes, exactly this. I don’t mean it unkindly but it sounds like the nature of your past experiences and your OCD mean that there is no way he could have presented (or not presented) this to you that you wouldn’t have worried about and picked over.

You're right, I'll be honest. I would have been upset regardless. However, the spiralling has come from his response. I don't know if there was a right way he could have acted, but he was just a bit mean and cold.

@theleafandnotthetree honestly I can't tell you. He's done it every day for 6 years. I think it's habit. Looking at call logs, a lot of them are just me saying 'oh cool so you'll be home soon, ok' it used to be to let me know timings, because i'd be doing dinner or waiting for him to pick me up from the train station. But it's now just habit.

I don’t think it is a lose lose situation I think his lack of conversational boundaries at work have encouraged others in making him a target for stupid gossip. This stupid gossip is more hurtful because it suggests infidelity so you have reacted accordingly as anyone would in being pissed off, upset and slightly suspicious. I hate it when people do dick behaviour create a situation that you are drawn into and then act like it’s not their fault and you are a nightmare to get upset about it.

I don’t think your reaction seems at all overly intense or weird, I think because you are managing OCD it’s too easy for him to have the default that you are overreacting , but reading your posts the behaviour that strikes me as more obsessive, with constant checking and driven by insecurity is his , not yours.