My husband says “notallmen”

[Lastchancesalonco]

NC for this! My teenage daughter and I were discussing the current outcry regarding violence against women and women living in fear, my husband entered the room, and immediately said it “wasn’t all men” and now men were “scared to do anything” wtf??? Scared to what exactly? Terrorise women? it’s very relevant I feel that my husband is a police sergeant! And although we do live in a very very low crime area so he doesn’t personally deal with many murders etc it’s mostly petty crime I KNOW he deals with domestic situations and has previously been very vocal about protecting people in domestic situations etc. This is very out of character for him, when pressed he said he felt people were “taking it too far” calling for a “6pm curfew” for men, when my daughter, who I’m ashamed to say was more vociferous than me because I was stunned, pointed out she effectively had an unofficial curfew for safety reasons, he seemed flustered like he hadnt thought of that, then he said “men are scared of attack too” and I said “who from? Who from? Not Denise on her way home pissed from her hen night is it? No it’s MEN you are scared of OTHER MEN” anyway he reflected a bit and was apologetic but I’m worried, he never used to be like this? Is he hearing some extremist narrative at work that poor white middle class men are under attack because the system that gives them every advantage is trying to be dismantled? He works with women and even a transsexual officer and has never shown any sign of prejudice or anything but acceptance for them and up till now never said anything concerning but he literally said “not all men” did we say it was??? I dunno it’s made me a bit sick, and I can’t help but wonder how a man who was previously totally on my wavelength about these things has changed to “but what about me”
Especially when we have a teenage daughter who will be going off to uni soon and won’t be in her safe little village! AIBU to take this so seriously or was he just being a giant selfish man baby and truly sees the error of his ways?

@SylvanianFrenemies

I voted YABU even though I hate the "notallmen" shite. Just because it sounds like he is open to discussion. Most men have rarely had cause to reflect on these issues so I think it's ok if they don't always get it right, as long as they are open to being challenged/challenging themselves.

Thank you for your reasonable response! I just felt a bit repulsed by his self indulgence if I’m honest! And I’m tired of explaining it, I didn’t think I’d have to to my husband but here we are!

So, how CAN he address it? What can he and other 'good' men do to stop male violence??

He can stop feeling sorry for himself for a start!
He check his own behaviour and assumptions - it's not just about violence it's about how men view women. Checking our own unconscious biases is a really good way of addressing our own underlying views.

He can call out other people's behaviour starting with the low level stuff like language used and behaviour towards women.

He can speak to women and try and understand why we're so angry and acknowledge that this anger is justified . When we're viewed as just being hysterical it means we're not being taken seriously.

He can understand that women being angry about male violence doesn't mean we are blaming all men - but it is a lot of men.

When I've spoken to my friends about this we've found that we're suddenly angry about things that have happened in our past. It's not just about Sarah Everard it's about the many, many times we've suffered sexual harassment or violence at the hands of men. It's been an awakening and it's time things changed.

@MissTrip82 when he means gone too far he means the whole hatred towards men. Not whether sentencing is too soft etc - dh is actually very pro harsher sentences for rape and so on. He is actually one of the men who would be very quick to say violence against anyone should be a throw away the key type situation (self defence exempt from this circumstances depending etc)! But he genuinely feels there is a real hatred towards men at the moment. I don’t agree with him but this is how he’s feeling. He works in an office full of women and he’s felt overlooked for promotions because women tend to be favoured, he’s been sexually assaulted (by a male teacher at school) and he’s felt scared walking home at night alone in a busy city. He accepts women are more likely to be victims of sexually motivated crime but he hates the whole anti male movement that he perceives is happening at the moment.

There is a definite feeling that men - good men - aren’t allowed to have opinions about anything like this that slightly differ from the hardline feminist viewpoint without being told they’re one of the bad ones.

Would he play a game of Russian roulette? After all, not all barrels have a bullet in them.

You can also find that men who wouldn't dream of laying a finger on a woman, might be less than lily-white in their other dealings with women. I can think of someone I used to know who was on the surface of it extremely respectful of women BUT he treated the women he was romantically involved with terribly (emotionally).

But yes agree that men are at risk when out and about too. They are not immune to violence against them, even when minding their own business.

When?

1977, Leeds.

I read the title as 'no tall men' and wondered if he was exceptionally short *helpful

@CirqueDeMorgue it's not saying avoid all men, it's saying, on face value you cannot know the good to bed from the bad.

why was he needing to defend “all men” when no one was saying it was all men? What’s his motivation for that?

Perhaps because of the constant repeating of the 'men are violent' 'men are abusive' theme he's come to feel that that is how he is seen. He may be a very nice loving man but now feels his family see him as violent and aggressive.

It's all nonsense.

People are so worked up here about notallmen but then many of you were screaming all lives matter back in the Summer.

Hypocrites.

Another example I read on here that makes more sense to me was you've been shown 6 puppies but one is a biter, you don't know which and so you approach all of them with caution

I think this is a more balanced way to explain it, I agree

@tiktaktoe

"I saw a comment of Instagram recently that said the reason men were lashing out about all men is because they are looking back at their own past behaviour when they may have witnessed and ignored harassment of women.
Maybe they were pinging bra straps in school, maybe they 'took advantage' of a drunk girl, maybe they laughed along when other guys harassed women. All at a time when it was more 'socially acceptable', but now they have to look back and realise that they were assholes and that their actions weren't innocent and without consequences."

I was going to say exactly the same thing. I think a lot of men are feeling defensive because this is making them look back at their past behaviour. The getting drunk and leering over women, groping a woman on the bus home, staring at her boobs on the tube, taking part in sexist banter, watching porn etc etc etc. I think most men will have done something that is causing them to feel a bit ashamed and defensive.

@Naunet

When?

1977, Leeds.

A poster upthread, when comparing violence against men to violence against women, said she'd rather be punched in the head than sexually assaulted (reasonable).

I'd rather have a curfew imposed upon me than be raped and murdered, which is an incredibly real threat when a serial killer is operating in your area. No amount of 'educating' men will make women safe under these circumstances.

You're overreacting. He expressed a different view in his own home and is now considered an "extremist" by the woman who knows him best and presumably thinks he's a good person, or you wouldn't be married to him.

Like it or not a lot of perfectly decent, law-abiding men hold a similar view. As with everything, their view won't change by being shouted down.

Good from the bad!
Don't know where to bed came from!

I think most men will have done something that is causing them to feel a bit ashamed and defensive

And maybe a lot haven't. The problem in my view is the generalisation and stereotyping. It doesn't mean that we shouldn't advise our DDs to be cautious because there is real danger out there. Both statements are not mutually exclusive.

[quote Hadalifeonce]@CirqueDeMorgue it's not saying avoid all men, it's saying, on face value you cannot know the good to bed from the bad.[/quote]
I understand that but based on that particular analogy, why would any of us risk becoming involved with ANY man?

But it isn’t all men. And I say that as a woman who is cautious when walking home from the pub, and only takes routes I feel are safe. Why group all men together. It’s ridiculous and the world has gone bloody mad in my opinion. People aren’t allowed to express their own opinion any more if it goes against the ‘accepted/loudly shouted norm’ - I’m scared of the world we are entering into.

I asked my husbands thoughts on this and he said something really poignant on it: "We're only as good as the worst one of us".

I think your husband maybe had a knee-jerk reaction and his ego is probably quite fragile at the mo. No excuse for what he said but good on your daughter for calling him out on it.

The answer to #NotAllMen is #TooManyMen
And also - what are you doing about #TooManyMen?

Bad things happen when good people stay quiet. And these good people are then part of the problem and complicit in whatever bad happens.

He should be saying #NotOnMyWatch

said she'd rather be punched in the head than sexually assaulted (reasonable).

I'm not a she 👍

There was a thread which stated that Y7 boys were saying ' wouldn't it be funny if Y7 girls were raped'
These are 12/13 year olds. How are they even thinking stuff like that?

He works with women and even a transsexual officer

Even a transsexual officer 🤦‍♀️

This is simple. Men think of themselves as individuals and not part of a group. So it feels like a personal attack.

@Chanjer

said she'd rather be punched in the head than sexually assaulted (reasonable).

I'm not a she 👍

Apologies for the assumption.