My husband says “notallmen”

[Lastchancesalonco]

NC for this! My teenage daughter and I were discussing the current outcry regarding violence against women and women living in fear, my husband entered the room, and immediately said it “wasn’t all men” and now men were “scared to do anything” wtf??? Scared to what exactly? Terrorise women? it’s very relevant I feel that my husband is a police sergeant! And although we do live in a very very low crime area so he doesn’t personally deal with many murders etc it’s mostly petty crime I KNOW he deals with domestic situations and has previously been very vocal about protecting people in domestic situations etc. This is very out of character for him, when pressed he said he felt people were “taking it too far” calling for a “6pm curfew” for men, when my daughter, who I’m ashamed to say was more vociferous than me because I was stunned, pointed out she effectively had an unofficial curfew for safety reasons, he seemed flustered like he hadnt thought of that, then he said “men are scared of attack too” and I said “who from? Who from? Not Denise on her way home pissed from her hen night is it? No it’s MEN you are scared of OTHER MEN” anyway he reflected a bit and was apologetic but I’m worried, he never used to be like this? Is he hearing some extremist narrative at work that poor white middle class men are under attack because the system that gives them every advantage is trying to be dismantled? He works with women and even a transsexual officer and has never shown any sign of prejudice or anything but acceptance for them and up till now never said anything concerning but he literally said “not all men” did we say it was??? I dunno it’s made me a bit sick, and I can’t help but wonder how a man who was previously totally on my wavelength about these things has changed to “but what about me”
Especially when we have a teenage daughter who will be going off to uni soon and won’t be in her safe little village! AIBU to take this so seriously or was he just being a giant selfish man baby and truly sees the error of his ways?

The maltesers and snakes analogy doesn't work.

Many women can be mentally abusive. Do we fear all women then?

Many women across history have enabled men to murder (before anyone tells me they were scared ). Do we fear all women then?

@Lessthanaballpark

Sweary very aggressive people like you.

@KeepCoolCalmAndCollected

Thank you to all my lovely male friends who have looked after me and walked me home - sometimes miles in the opposite direction. This man-hating is nonsense. There will always be very damaged male and female pyschos out there and nothing will ever stop that.

You are so missing the point why did you need looked after?need walked home? The reason it’s felt necessary to look after women and walk us home is the Lilkliehood of male violence

Many women can be mentally abusive. Do we fear all women then?

Are women killing 2 men a week?

Have over 90% of men said they have experienced sexual harassment or assault at the hands of women?

It's really not the same thing.

I'm not saying it doesn't exist or happen but it's not appropriate in a discussion about male violence against women.

@TheJerkStore

Many women can be mentally abusive. Do we fear all women then?

Are women killing 2 men a week?

Have over 90% of men said they have experienced sexual harassment or assault at the hands of women?

It's really not the same thing.

I'm not saying it doesn't exist or happen but it's not appropriate in a discussion about male violence against women.

Jerk, I know.

What I'm saying is, the analogies don't work.

Further to my earlier post ..I'm a man, and over the years I have been flashed at , mooned and cat called by women on nights out , in a very conservative cathedral city .I have never felt threatened , usually found it funny , all because the power balance was in my favour .
In the same little city I have experienced assaults ,witnessed glassings, beatings , been threatened with knives, seen racist attacks , a woman beaten by two men , and many many kick offs in pubs , takeaways and taxi queues...all by men , and I have always felt if not terrified, extremely wary and alert for trouble..so ..not all men but its always men .

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee

There will Always be sick psychos both male and female.

This will never stop - it's a tale as old as time and society will get worse.

Most men are good.

There's a lot of anti-male negativity at the moment and they should all not be tarred with the same brush.

@Jellykat

He was completely right to say 'not all men'!... Are those disagreeing currently looking at, or thinking that their DHs, DFs or DSs have or will attack/ abuse a women at some point in their lives??

First of all, no one on this thread have said that ALL men are rapist/murders/sexually assault women.

However, do I think it’s possible my DF, DH or dcs are in that group?

Being very honest?
My DH has never hit me or being physical. But I have seen him on the edge of it, clutching his hands so hard that his knuckles were white. He also had form for groping (me - when I had told him many times that no I didn’t want him to do that). From the outside, he is a regular man well thought off, would never hurt anything or anyone etc....

My father is ‘from another generation’ who thinks nothing about posting sexualised images of women (think page 3 models) with comments on how ‘women blablabla’. Thinks it’s just a joke and can’t understand why I’m refusing to have him as a friend on FB. (I’ve given up telling him how inappropriate it is).
Again, if you were saying that this man could have been dangerous (well... some years ago not now that he is over 75yo), it would look impossible. However, his attitude is exactly the sort of attitude men who sexually harass or assault women have.

Bottom line is.
Are any of them in the 10% or whatever that rapes women? Probably not. Are they in the whatever % that have harassed or sexually assaulted women? I suspect Dh has been when he was younger. But will have done so with no understanding that he was iyswim. Just like he struggled to understand that if I said no groping, that meant he had to stop.

Would I see my own sons in there? I dint know. They are too young for that. And I would hope that they have learnt that these behaviours are unacceptable. I’m just hoping though because they are living in a society that makes those behaviours ok and say that women are just too sensitive etc.. so they might well go with that version.

I get where he is coming from, if your a decent guy why should you be tarred with the same brush. Unfortunately as a woman we don't always know who we can trust. I've thought men were great and been very wrong. I'm sick of hiding away after dark but that has always been the case. If I'm hot and cant sleep, I want to be able to go for a walk. I am no fool, I know that in my life time that will never be a safe thing to do. Shame

@tangerinelollipop

Same with women talking about their experiences with male violence. Let them talk about it

I don't think it's that they don't want to let women talk, the problem is that they are being flagged as the aggressors.

Men may feel compelled to say 'not all men' because it's them who are on the other side of the equation.

Same with all the other slogans.

Then men can talk about their issues too. Separately. Let women talks about their experiences. Which will be many. Wthout men butting in and dismiss them. EVERY day is man day. Every damn day. Women have had enough.

If a man is triggered by women talking about male violence then they need to ask themselves why.

@RootyT00t

The maltesers and snakes analogy doesn't work.

Many women can be mentally abusive. Do we fear all women then?

Many women across history have enabled men to murder (before anyone tells me they were scared ). Do we fear all women then?

Oh please.

@Silenceisgolden20 im aware of the view that it's not as bad.

However, where does it get too bad?

10 women. Are 9 fine? 8? 7?

I understand what women are concerned about and would never say not all men. I do though feel I need to correct the people saying that women don't act this way. I was a bar/club doorman for just over twenty years and in that time I have been harassed by thousands of women. From unsolicited touching ( I just want to feel your muscles ) had wolf whistle's , my bottom pinched , groin grabbed , kissed without permission. I have been pinned up against a wall and had a groin pushed up against mine .On the violence side , I have been bitten , scratched , spat at , punched and kicked. I have even had a woman try and take my eye out with a stiletto. I have had several women try and get me drunk or high to take advantage and by the strict letter of the law raped. Worse than that , im short and average looking and my tall handsome colleagues and friends have had much worse.

90% thing I dont believe. Sorry maybe I'm a pessimist but do you personally know a woman who hasn't been inappropriately touched, I don't, not a one.

@Ddot

90% thing I dont believe. Sorry maybe I'm a pessimist but do you personally know a woman who hasn't been inappropriately touched, I don't, not a one.

Yes.

@Blooboi

I understand what women are concerned about and would never say not all men. I do though feel I need to correct the people saying that women don't act this way. I was a bar/club doorman for just over twenty years and in that time I have been harassed by thousands of women. From unsolicited touching ( I just want to feel your muscles ) had wolf whistle's , my bottom pinched , groin grabbed , kissed without permission. I have been pinned up against a wall and had a groin pushed up against mine .On the violence side , I have been bitten , scratched , spat at , punched and kicked. I have even had a woman try and take my eye out with a stiletto. I have had several women try and get me drunk or high to take advantage and by the strict letter of the law raped. Worse than that , im short and average looking and my tall handsome colleagues and friends have had much worse.

Have they raped you?

I grew up and observed domestic violence, but in my case the violent one was my mum and always after a drink. At 17 I had to drive my dad bleeding to the hospital, so I sort of agree.
Also, my father never laid a hand on me as a child, but mum was far more aggressive.
Then in school, I went through bullying at the hands of other girls, never men.
When I got to my later teen years I did experience unwanted attention from men, but I guess they never intimidated me half as much as a loud mouth and shouting woman walking down the street did.

Not all men are perpetrators in the literal sense. I think it’s a fair statement. Some are. Some aren’t.
Just like women I guess.

@Silenceisgolden20 that is one of the most disgusting things I've read. Blooboi has had some horrendous things happen but we are using rape as some kind of trump card and I'm sorry but there completely unacceptable.

Of course wormn can be violent too.
Are people missing the point on purpose?

[quote RootyT00t]@Silenceisgolden20 that is one of the most disgusting things I've read. Blooboi has had some horrendous things happen but we are using rape as some kind of trump card and I'm sorry but there completely unacceptable.[/quote]
What is unacceptable?

*There is no "institutional racism" if you look at the perpetrator stats for murders of teens in London. Yes, those figures are underpinned by socio economic factors but so what according to your argument. You're argument says "if it's got a penis"...ergo, if it's black...

Men can help being men just as many poor black kids can't help being poor. You demonise an accident of birth. Do you ever wonder what this anti male bashing does to the mental health of boys and men who were never going to hurt anyone? Do you wonder why the rate of male suicide is 3x that of women. 9000 men per year die of suicide in this country.*

Yeah which is why I said over representation in crime figures rather than choosing a specific crime. And what exactly in my argument suggests a so what attitude to the other factors? /Confused

Also, I'm definitely not anti men. I am a man. Maybe it's my internalised misandry speaking 🙄

Never said it was a trump card. That's unacceptable saying that as a response.
I know you've derailed other threads @rooty00t

@KeepCoolCalmAndCollected I’m tired that some women immediately say NAMALT without actually getting the point
Women don’t need to be guarded or protected by lovely men
We need to be able to walk freely without a chaperone and without gratitude that a man looked after you,lovely as he was

Stop using hyperbole like sick psycho. It misrepresents the ordinariness of violence. Fortunately most women never encounter sick psycho. You know who rape kill,and hurt women...lovely men. Their husband,their partner,their acquaintances. Men who are most likely considered lovely by someone (even if it is their mutha)

“Not all men” is at best a defensive response and denies rather than acknowledges gender based violence as a hate crime. It’s not contributing to the conversation in a productive way or standing up against it, which as you say he could role model, especially given his work. This type of response has allowed misogyny to thrive. I would ask him where his views have come from, for example is this what he is speaking about with colleagues, friends or reading on social media. Glad he has you and your daughter to push back and seems like he is willing to listen.