Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband says “notallmen”

999 replies

Lastchancesalonco · 25/03/2021 07:18

NC for this! My teenage daughter and I were discussing the current outcry regarding violence against women and women living in fear, my husband entered the room, and immediately said it “wasn’t all men” and now men were “scared to do anything” wtf??? Scared to what exactly? Terrorise women? it’s very relevant I feel that my husband is a police sergeant! And although we do live in a very very low crime area so he doesn’t personally deal with many murders etc it’s mostly petty crime I KNOW he deals with domestic situations and has previously been very vocal about protecting people in domestic situations etc. This is very out of character for him, when pressed he said he felt people were “taking it too far” calling for a “6pm curfew” for men, when my daughter, who I’m ashamed to say was more vociferous than me because I was stunned, pointed out she effectively had an unofficial curfew for safety reasons, he seemed flustered like he hadnt thought of that, then he said “men are scared of attack too” and I said “who from? Who from? Not Denise on her way home pissed from her hen night is it? No it’s MEN you are scared of OTHER MEN” anyway he reflected a bit and was apologetic but I’m worried, he never used to be like this? Is he hearing some extremist narrative at work that poor white middle class men are under attack because the system that gives them every advantage is trying to be dismantled? He works with women and even a transsexual officer and has never shown any sign of prejudice or anything but acceptance for them and up till now never said anything concerning but he literally said “not all men” did we say it was??? I dunno it’s made me a bit sick, and I can’t help but wonder how a man who was previously totally on my wavelength about these things has changed to “but what about me”
Especially when we have a teenage daughter who will be going off to uni soon and won’t be in her safe little village! AIBU to take this so seriously or was he just being a giant selfish man baby and truly sees the error of his ways?

OP posts:
Wtfdoipick · 26/03/2021 19:57

@Cornishbelle

I fail to understand how saying "men" are the issue is any different to singling someone out for race, gender identity, sexuality etc. This would never be acceptable in todays society and rightly so. People are individuals, cannot just be lumped in together. It may be disturbing to not be able to categorise as it means unpredictability but this is no different to racism or other forms of intolerance in my opinion. And I'm speaking as a white middle aged woman who has encountered nasty men and women as well as kind respectful people of either sex. Our sex has nothing at all to do with it
Because the issue is male privilege and the misogynistic society we live in. No one is saying that a particular man is bad just because he's male but that the issues women have with sexual harassment, abuse, rape and murder are committed by men.
Diamondella · 26/03/2021 20:05

I agree with your husband and i think you are over reacting.

Chanjer · 26/03/2021 20:07

I fail to understand how saying "men" are the issue is any different to singling someone out for race, gender identity, sexuality etc.

Because when it comes to negative stereotyping about race, gender identity, sexuality etc, they're not backed up by stats. Or there is another reason, such as certain demographics being over represented in crime figures owing to socioeconomic factors and institutional racism or media portrayal driving opinion outside of established facts. Male violence against women however...

Hertsgirl10 · 26/03/2021 20:13

I agree.

Memeapple · 26/03/2021 20:14

So we must accept that men are violent towards women - true. Men are responsible for more violent crime. And we must discriminate against men in case they're violent. Shall we discriminate against women where their fault of birth is inconvenient. Like when they get pregnant and are inconvenient to employers. Surely the idea of equality is that we don't discriminate?

mrswilson20 · 26/03/2021 20:16

@Scoobydoobywho

I think the "notallmen" is true in the fact that it isn't all men that go out and attack women. It's the fact that most men stand by and do or say nothing. Whether it's fear of retribution on them or something else,I don't know
Yes.

Not all men attack but too many men stand by and say nothing.

An everyday example is how many guys will share naked pictures of girlfriends in a lads group chat.

Most of the guys know this is wrong but they don't call each other out. I've spoken to my husband about why lads do this at length and it's like this unwritten points scoring hierarchy with them.

They wouldn't dream of calling each other out because of a culture of toxic masculinity where they have to be seen as alpha male.

Ironically a true alpha male is secure in his masculinity and would lead his pack to be better.

From reading this thread, it's obvious that not only is there misogyny amongst men there are also some women (the one who said women are hysterical) who have internalised misogyny after years of conditioning by the system we live in.

Yaya26 · 26/03/2021 20:19

What did he say wrong?? Not all men are attackers. I can’t blame him for saying that he’d be afraid to do anything. It seems like all men are being portrayed as the enemy of women, to be wary of.. As for a curfew - that’s madness.

Lessthanaballpark · 26/03/2021 20:21

So we must accept that men are violent towards women - true. Men are responsible for more violent crime. And we must discriminate against men in case they're violent. Shall we discriminate against women where their fault of birth is inconvenient. Like when they get pregnant and are inconvenient to employers. Surely the idea of equality is that we don't discriminate?

So being violent = being pregnant? Lol.

RootyT00t · 26/03/2021 20:22

@ginandbearit

Its not all men ..but it is always men .

Ask him when was the last time anyone , male or female , came to the station to report a random assault from a woman ..
Ask your daughter how many times a woman has made lewd and suggestive comments to her ( not saying it would never happen..but hey , not all women eh ? )
Not all men , but it's always men .

Women make lewd comments all the time. It's laughed off, as is female assault.
Staffy1 · 26/03/2021 20:23

I agree with your DD that women already have an unofficial curfew, but also with your DH that it's not all men. Why can't he say that without everyone getting enraged by it, it's a truthful statement?

Hertsgirl10 · 26/03/2021 20:24

I don’t think you understand what it’s like to live in certain parts of the UK, it’s terrifying for men/boys. Especially the police.

I don’t know how a wife of a police officer doesn’t get that he can be scared, no not of ‘Denise’ on her way home from a night out.
My BIL is a retired police officer and my sister was terrified every day that he worked.

Men are victims of violence from men and women. Men feel upset about ALL being classed as a rapist or murderer. Men feel uncomfortable seeing females waking alone because they know what that female is thinking and they don’t want her feeling scared.

He is right... it’s not all men.

Why are you determined to feel this way about your husband? I think it’s a major overreaction and you’re jumping on the drama of it all.

I have 5 sons and I don’t want them to been viewed as privileged pests by every single female. Yes I do worry about my daughter like everybody does, but I do not for 1 second think that every male wants to potentially murder her, not all men are a threat.

Also men can be victims of domestic violence too ..

LH1987 · 26/03/2021 20:24

You massively overreacted !

I think it’s not particularly constructive to fly off the handle like this as opposed to just have a discussion.

I my opinion, I think it’s perfectly reasonable to say ‘not all men’ because that is absolutely true, in fact not even the majority of men are violent towards women. Is blaming an entire section of society (roughly 50%) going to solve the problem.

FeeLock28 · 26/03/2021 20:26

'Not all men' is a reductive and manipulative argument because it is defensive and moves the attention from the female victim to the male innocent party.

Men who abuse or harass women so rarely do it when there's another man around that it's invisible to them. I think it was about three years ago that an ONS survey showed that 52% of women reported that they had suffered street harassment, and whistling at a woman was included in that. This came as quite a surprise to a large number of my men friends, many of whom regard themselves as feminists.

Memeapple · 26/03/2021 20:27

@Chanjer

I fail to understand how saying "men" are the issue is any different to singling someone out for race, gender identity, sexuality etc.

Because when it comes to negative stereotyping about race, gender identity, sexuality etc, they're not backed up by stats. Or there is another reason, such as certain demographics being over represented in crime figures owing to socioeconomic factors and institutional racism or media portrayal driving opinion outside of established facts. Male violence against women however...

There is no "institutional racism" if you look at the perpetrator stats for murders of teens in London. Yes, those figures are underpinned by socio economic factors but so what according to your argument. You're argument says "if it's got a penis"...ergo, if it's black...

Men can help being men just as many poor black kids can't help being poor. You demonise an accident of birth. Do you ever wonder what this anti male bashing does to the mental health of boys and men who were never going to hurt anyone? Do you wonder why the rate of male suicide is 3x that of women. 9000 men per year die of suicide in this country.

Sparkyduchess · 26/03/2021 20:28

I think any man who reacts negatively to the idea that men, as a class, represent a threat to women is exactly the man who needs to examine his behaviour

TheJerkStore · 26/03/2021 20:30

Also men can be victims of domestic violence too ..

How many men per week are killed by their female partner?

Memeapple · 26/03/2021 20:31

@Lessthanaballpark

So we must accept that men are violent towards women - true. Men are responsible for more violent crime. And we must discriminate against men in case they're violent. Shall we discriminate against women where their fault of birth is inconvenient. Like when they get pregnant and are inconvenient to employers. Surely the idea of equality is that we don't discriminate?

So being violent = being pregnant? Lol.

No being violent doesn't equal being pregnant. What a ridiculous thing to say. Being violent is heavily skewed towards being male. Being pregnant is totally skewed towards being female. My point is that the whole premise of modern society is to not discriminate on the basis of gender. The post I answered said it was perfectly justified to discriminate on the basis of gender but only when it was against males.
Jellykat · 26/03/2021 20:32

He was completely right to say 'not all men'!...
Are those disagreeing currently looking at, or thinking that their DHs, DFs or DSs have or will attack/ abuse a women at some point in their lives??

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 26/03/2021 20:34

Thank you to all my lovely male friends who have looked after me and walked me home - sometimes miles in the opposite direction.
This man-hating is nonsense.
There will always be very damaged male and female pyschos out there and nothing will ever stop that.

Schooldilemma2345 · 26/03/2021 20:37

The malteasers analogy is actually:
If I gave you a box of Malteasers and then told you that 10% were actually balls of shit dipped in chocolate, you’d be wary of the whole box.

Mittens030869 · 26/03/2021 20:37

**’Also men can be victims of domestic violence too’..

‘How many men per week are killed by their female partner?’**

It’s very rare, basically. Mostly (obviously with a very few shocking exceptions) it happens when women snap after years of domestic abuse by male partners.

TheJerkStore · 26/03/2021 20:38

This man-hating is nonsense.

Who has says they hate men?

tommyhoundmum · 26/03/2021 20:38

Christmasjoy You are so right.

Lessthanaballpark · 26/03/2021 20:39

Thank you to all my lovely male friends who have looked after me and walked me home - sometimes miles in the opposite direction.

FFS, why did they need to walk you home? Could you not walk home by yourself? Who on earth were they protecting you against?

TheJerkStore · 26/03/2021 20:42

@Mittens030869

**’Also men can be victims of domestic violence too’..

‘How many men per week are killed by their female partner?’**

It’s very rare, basically. Mostly (obviously with a very few shocking exceptions) it happens when women snap after years of domestic abuse by male partners.

Exactly! Not to mention that when you look the statistics of male domestic violence the perpetrators more likely to be male.

Awful 'whataboutery'.....