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AIBU?

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Original poster

My husband says “notallmen”

999 replies

Lastchancesalonco · 25/03/2021 07:18

NC for this! My teenage daughter and I were discussing the current outcry regarding violence against women and women living in fear, my husband entered the room, and immediately said it “wasn’t all men” and now men were “scared to do anything” wtf??? Scared to what exactly? Terrorise women? it’s very relevant I feel that my husband is a police sergeant! And although we do live in a very very low crime area so he doesn’t personally deal with many murders etc it’s mostly petty crime I KNOW he deals with domestic situations and has previously been very vocal about protecting people in domestic situations etc. This is very out of character for him, when pressed he said he felt people were “taking it too far” calling for a “6pm curfew” for men, when my daughter, who I’m ashamed to say was more vociferous than me because I was stunned, pointed out she effectively had an unofficial curfew for safety reasons, he seemed flustered like he hadnt thought of that, then he said “men are scared of attack too” and I said “who from? Who from? Not Denise on her way home pissed from her hen night is it? No it’s MEN you are scared of OTHER MEN” anyway he reflected a bit and was apologetic but I’m worried, he never used to be like this? Is he hearing some extremist narrative at work that poor white middle class men are under attack because the system that gives them every advantage is trying to be dismantled? He works with women and even a transsexual officer and has never shown any sign of prejudice or anything but acceptance for them and up till now never said anything concerning but he literally said “not all men” did we say it was??? I dunno it’s made me a bit sick, and I can’t help but wonder how a man who was previously totally on my wavelength about these things has changed to “but what about me”
Especially when we have a teenage daughter who will be going off to uni soon and won’t be in her safe little village! AIBU to take this so seriously or was he just being a giant selfish man baby and truly sees the error of his ways?

OP posts:
AllThatIAmRoom101 · 26/03/2021 17:31

@Lastchancesalonco

NC for this! My teenage daughter and I were discussing the current outcry regarding violence against women and women living in fear, my husband entered the room, and immediately said it “wasn’t all men” and now men were “scared to do anything” wtf??? Scared to what exactly? Terrorise women? it’s very relevant I feel that my husband is a police sergeant! And although we do live in a very very low crime area so he doesn’t personally deal with many murders etc it’s mostly petty crime I KNOW he deals with domestic situations and has previously been very vocal about protecting people in domestic situations etc. This is very out of character for him, when pressed he said he felt people were “taking it too far” calling for a “6pm curfew” for men, when my daughter, who I’m ashamed to say was more vociferous than me because I was stunned, pointed out she effectively had an unofficial curfew for safety reasons, he seemed flustered like he hadnt thought of that, then he said “men are scared of attack too” and I said “who from? Who from? Not Denise on her way home pissed from her hen night is it? No it’s MEN you are scared of OTHER MEN” anyway he reflected a bit and was apologetic but I’m worried, he never used to be like this? Is he hearing some extremist narrative at work that poor white middle class men are under attack because the system that gives them every advantage is trying to be dismantled? He works with women and even a transsexual officer and has never shown any sign of prejudice or anything but acceptance for them and up till now never said anything concerning but he literally said “not all men” did we say it was??? I dunno it’s made me a bit sick, and I can’t help but wonder how a man who was previously totally on my wavelength about these things has changed to “but what about me” Especially when we have a teenage daughter who will be going off to uni soon and won’t be in her safe little village! AIBU to take this so seriously or was he just being a giant selfish man baby and truly sees the error of his ways?
You are the problem here and you're teaching your daughter very very bad life lessons. It's not all men, off course it's not. I know many men who have never kidnapped and murdered anyone. Please take a long hard look at yourself and see things for what they really are. That's like saying that you have a friend who likes to sleep with a different men every night, doesnt make every fucking woman on the planet a slut. Your husband is right and you know it, but you just don't like it because of all this feminism bullshit. And yes I'm a woman, and I see things for what they are. There will always be rapists and murderers because the world is a fucked up place but doesnt mean you tar everyone with the same brush
Loveridge666 · 26/03/2021 17:34

Your husband said its not all men we are agreeing with him that it's not men Smile

marktayloruk · 26/03/2021 17:38

I was mugged .Was afraid of going out to some places for years afterwards.

Wtfdoipick · 26/03/2021 17:41

No the problem is all the men who think the small things don't matter, all the men who treat women as sub human in little ways, all the people who judge women for things like sleeping with different men. When boys try to look at girls knickers and people say "boys will be boys" every man who thinks catcalling a woman is compliment. Every man who treats women as if they don't know their own mind. Those are the problems not the op

Juliesipadwillcallyouback · 26/03/2021 17:41

My DH and I have had a few interesting conversations about this. He didn't really get that its not personal against him, and it is clear that even after being married to me for years, there are some things about living as a woman that he still doesn't understand. He said its 'sexist' to 'tar all men with the same brush' or to say that men as a class are more of a risk.

In the end we talked about if a woman was walking down the street at night, would she feel more threatened by me or my DH walking behind her. In reality the threat level is the same for both of us, my DH is a lovely guy who has never hurt anyone, but he accepted that the woman would feel more threatened by him and thought about why that was.

That sounds really patronising, it's not meant to be, he made good points that I took on board as well, but ultimately its about understand 'risk classes' and men as a class are more of a risk.

Zoejj77 · 26/03/2021 17:43

Yes this

Helsbels44 · 26/03/2021 17:43

@TheJerkStore

Women do not have an unspoken curfew.

Most women do. Most women feel unsafe going out after dark.

As a woman I find it so depressing to read how we have become this stereotypical hysterical women. Yes we have to be careful, yes there are dangers out there but to make our young women scared of all men is insane.

Calling women hysterical for getting angry about the issue of endemic male violence against women is textbook misogyny.
Women are belittled, sexually harassed, raped and murdered by men every day - this make me angry. It should make everyone angry.

This!
samu · 26/03/2021 17:46

Why is it necessary to bundle all men together? And deny them the right to just point out that it is wrong to do so? Why can't we have a fair conversation if we want a fair society?

LisaD76 · 26/03/2021 17:46

Whatafustercluck... it’s not just from adulthood these rules though... I was telling my daughter at the start of secondary school to walk in the house side of the pavement, not the road side. Don’t go through alleys, if you feel you are being followed go in a shop or knock on the door of someone you know or a close neighbour. Even with that I watch avidly on my phone to track her movements because I worry about her getting home safely.

Zoejj77 · 26/03/2021 17:49

I asked my husband about this as he abhors violence against women. He said it’s ridiculous. Why can’t people just have a movement about trying to improve an awful situation without someone else saying ‘poor me’ ‘what about me’ etc we know men are victims of violence but this is nothing to do with that!

KC934 · 26/03/2021 17:50

Hell no, your husband is a douchebag.

samu · 26/03/2021 17:51

So was I by 2 young boys, but I still gone out and about and get on with my life like I did before. I have had lots of bitchy abuse and back stabbing for women who drove me depression. Thanks to 'sisterhood'.
And guess what, I have a husband, a father, a son and a brother and they are all good men. I'm sorry but I'm not willing to demonise all men.

PinkPanther27 · 26/03/2021 17:53

@TheJerkStore

Women do not have an unspoken curfew.

Most women do. Most women feel unsafe going out after dark.

As a woman I find it so depressing to read how we have become this stereotypical hysterical women. Yes we have to be careful, yes there are dangers out there but to make our young women scared of all men is insane.

Calling women hysterical for getting angry about the issue of endemic male violence against women is textbook misogyny.
Women are belittled, sexually harassed, raped and murdered by men every day - this make me angry. It should make everyone angry.

@thejerkstore and @BeautifulandWilfulandDead I agree.

We're not the ones making women scared of men- men are doing a good job of it on their own.
Men who aren't doing these things but associate themselves with/get offended by women speaking out about male violence against women - they've gotta ask themselves what the hell are they doing if they feel personally attacked by this.

samu · 26/03/2021 17:54

I was responding to marktayloruk who talked about being mugged.

FishWithoutABike · 26/03/2021 17:55

It’s interesting that when men feel that the sexual assault and murder of women reflects badly on them it’s the women who point it out that they blame. Why aren’t they directing their anger at the low life’s that make all men look bad? #stopassaultingwomenbro

Shell4429 · 26/03/2021 17:55

I agree that his comment was slightly off, but maybe he just felt defensive because he’s one of the good guys. Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot. In my humble opinion you are overreacting, and I say that as a victim of historic sexual assault. There’s a big difference between men who think it’s okay to be a perpetrator and men who feel a little bit persecuted because of the actions of the former.

lilstarr99 · 26/03/2021 17:56

I had a similar comment from my 17 yr old son. He’s got two sisters and always appears to be respectful to women. However, he’s young so I told him how it was for me growing up. How when commuting to London every day I would have to put up with being touched up, yelled at, ogled at, cat called etc most days. I was sexually assaulted at work, as well as being treated and spoken to like shit just for being a woman. Had my ideas belittled and then stolen by men and that’s just at work. I’ve been stalked by two different men, at different points in my life and don’t get me started on controlling behaviour in relationships. I didn’t go into microscopic detail, but I reeled off lots off this and he just sat there. I finished saying that my life isn’t unusual. Most, if not all of my friends have had similar happen to them.

He was shocked and very upset. He apologised and later on came back down and said he’s been thinking about what I’d said and about how he is with girls at school etc. That he’s going to really think about how his words and actions may be perceived, even if it wasn’t meant in the way it was taken.

I really believe that we as mothers, sisters etc should be honest with the men in our lives. Men have privilege whether they realise it or not and they need to start seeing how it is for women and girls.

mbosnz · 26/03/2021 17:57

And again, for those late to the show, possibly needing the rehash. . . No one, literally NO-ONE has said it's all men.

They have said:
Too Many Men.
They have said:
What must be a reasonably significant minority of men.
They have said:
Too many women - 94-98% have been found to have suffered assault, abuse, rape, murder or harassment at the hands of men.
They have said:
Women can't tell just from looking if a dude is a white hat or a black hat. So they have to do what they need to do to protect themselves, which is assume all guys are a potential threat, until proven otherwise. And if they get it wrong, and a guy they thought was a good guy turns out to be a bad guy - they'll be the ones who are blamed for whatever they suffer at his hands for not following 'the rules' to keep themselves safe.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/03/2021 17:58

That's like saying that you have a friend who likes to sleep with a different men every night, doesnt make every fucking woman on the planet a slut. Your husband is right and you know it, but you just don't like it because of all this feminism bullshit

I mean I don't even know where to start with this kind of comment. This "feminism bullshit" has afforded you privileges that generations of women before you didn't have. How ungrateful you are.

Calling any woman, whether real or metaphorical, a "slut" is disgusting. A woman using the word is even more disgusting because you're buying into and perpetuating misogyny that has directly damaged other people of your sex.

So depressing.

mbosnz · 26/03/2021 17:59

@lilstarr99

I had a similar comment from my 17 yr old son. He’s got two sisters and always appears to be respectful to women. However, he’s young so I told him how it was for me growing up. How when commuting to London every day I would have to put up with being touched up, yelled at, ogled at, cat called etc most days. I was sexually assaulted at work, as well as being treated and spoken to like shit just for being a woman. Had my ideas belittled and then stolen by men and that’s just at work. I’ve been stalked by two different men, at different points in my life and don’t get me started on controlling behaviour in relationships. I didn’t go into microscopic detail, but I reeled off lots off this and he just sat there. I finished saying that my life isn’t unusual. Most, if not all of my friends have had similar happen to them.

He was shocked and very upset. He apologised and later on came back down and said he’s been thinking about what I’d said and about how he is with girls at school etc. That he’s going to really think about how his words and actions may be perceived, even if it wasn’t meant in the way it was taken.

I really believe that we as mothers, sisters etc should be honest with the men in our lives. Men have privilege whether they realise it or not and they need to start seeing how it is for women and girls.

Kudos to you and your son.
PinkPanther27 · 26/03/2021 18:00

@allthatIamroom101
You're ignoring the issue that the majority of violence is carried out by men. If you look at the statistics you'll see that women are disproportionately assaulted and murdered by men and men are also disproportionately assaulted and murdered by other men. It's a gendered issue and by piping up and saying "not all men" they're dismissing that and missing the point. The men who aren't the issue need to be raising this issue as well and adding their voices to ours. Ignoring it doesn't make the issue go away.

changi · 26/03/2021 18:02

Too many women - 94-98% have been found to have suffered assault, abuse, rape, murder or harassment at the hands of men.

Has anybody given any sources for those percentages?

JonSnowIsALoser · 26/03/2021 18:04

Men have set themselves a pretty low bar if they expect women to be grateful that not ALL of them are rapists and murderers.

PinkPanther27 · 26/03/2021 18:04

@FishWithoutABike

It’s interesting that when men feel that the sexual assault and murder of women reflects badly on them it’s the women who point it out that they blame. Why aren’t they directing their anger at the low life’s that make all men look bad? #stopassaultingwomenbro
Absolutely this- this is what the women who are calling out this behaviour want them to do!