My husband says “notallmen”

[Lastchancesalonco]

NC for this! My teenage daughter and I were discussing the current outcry regarding violence against women and women living in fear, my husband entered the room, and immediately said it “wasn’t all men” and now men were “scared to do anything” wtf??? Scared to what exactly? Terrorise women? it’s very relevant I feel that my husband is a police sergeant! And although we do live in a very very low crime area so he doesn’t personally deal with many murders etc it’s mostly petty crime I KNOW he deals with domestic situations and has previously been very vocal about protecting people in domestic situations etc. This is very out of character for him, when pressed he said he felt people were “taking it too far” calling for a “6pm curfew” for men, when my daughter, who I’m ashamed to say was more vociferous than me because I was stunned, pointed out she effectively had an unofficial curfew for safety reasons, he seemed flustered like he hadnt thought of that, then he said “men are scared of attack too” and I said “who from? Who from? Not Denise on her way home pissed from her hen night is it? No it’s MEN you are scared of OTHER MEN” anyway he reflected a bit and was apologetic but I’m worried, he never used to be like this? Is he hearing some extremist narrative at work that poor white middle class men are under attack because the system that gives them every advantage is trying to be dismantled? He works with women and even a transsexual officer and has never shown any sign of prejudice or anything but acceptance for them and up till now never said anything concerning but he literally said “not all men” did we say it was??? I dunno it’s made me a bit sick, and I can’t help but wonder how a man who was previously totally on my wavelength about these things has changed to “but what about me”
Especially when we have a teenage daughter who will be going off to uni soon and won’t be in her safe little village! AIBU to take this so seriously or was he just being a giant selfish man baby and truly sees the error of his ways?

Nobody is saying NAMALT.

Girls have a drip drip of micro aggressions which often start the minute their bodies develop.

Erm, slight point of order. Sadly, far too often, it starts well before their bodies develop.

*For the avoidance of doubt ...
*
Nobody is saying NAMALT.

Doh.

Clearly meant to say EVERYONE KNOWS NAMALT Acronyms confuse me!

As you were!

LOL, you got there eventually, tellmewhen!

@mbosnz

Girls have a drip drip of micro aggressions which often start the minute their bodies develop.

Erm, slight point of order. Sadly, far too often, it starts well before their bodies develop.

Yes, you're right.

@hellcatspangle

I think you're being a bit OTT. I assume he was trying to say that not all men are a danger to women and it sounds like you two jumped down his throat. Misunderstanding by the sounds of it.

Couldn’t agree more. So much hysteria.

Define hysteria?

I’ve had this conversation with DJ. We have 2 sons. Yes it’s not all men BUT until something serious is done, as a woman I am afraid of all men if I happen to be out alone after dark. It’s only now I’m questioning it and angry it’s this way, I think as women we have been conditioned to avoid situations rather than do what we want when we want safe in the knowledge that we will be ok. Unfortunately it is ALL men until women feel safer

I don't think it was misunderstanding.

The exchanges were full of clarity.

@chooseausernamenow

Careful, your misogyny is showing.

Where is the outrage at the dispropriante amount of young BAME males who are stabbed to death in inner city estates? Where were their Vigils and social posturing?

not sure about you but I've been to a couple of BLM marches, and often share info and details abou tthis kind of thing. What i don't do, of course, is go onto discussions about these tragic events and say "well, women get stabbed too, you know" and the like.

Expecting people (because, sadly, it's not only men who do this) to keep to the topic of the current conversation and not indulge in NAMALT or Whataboutery is not too much to expect either.

Your husband is right. There should be no need to contradict him to make your point, so if you feel the need to do so, you are probably implying that somehow men like himself are to blame.

Women get angry about this because they are not listened to. They bring the spotlight on this and they are still not listened to

Even after tragic, horrifying and high profile crimes like the murder of Sarah Everard, we are still not listened to.

How many dead women will it take before men start listening?

Oh Hysteria is it? Try harder

It's utterly transparent that OP has created a fictional family and scenario for this post.

To claim this "husband" might have been "hearing some extremist narrative" is hugely ironic in a post which is one of the clearest examples of extremist narrative we've had on this site for a while!

Nothing will ever change violence against women has been happening since the dawn of time and will continue. It's become as normal as lying everyone knows it happens everyday but turns a blind eye. It's not acceptable and makes me feel sick that everyone seems to think it's normal.

@OldLang

It's all a bit Schrodinger's cat. When 'not all men' or 'all men' are the options, you believe it's 'all men'. It's the only one that keeps you safe. This is the curfew women are under.

But we don't believe it's all men, do we? We choose to share houses, beds, etc. with men.

Have you learnt about what women go through in other countires? We are not second class citizens here in the UK.

If you take this to its logical conclusion you prove the point of the Fallacy of Relative privation which boils down to: there is only one person on the planet at any one point who can complain, and that is the one who can honestly say nobody has it worse than them. That doesn't mean that people can't complain about their own shitty situation.

But we don't believe it's all men, do we? We choose to share houses, beds, etc. with men.

And 2 of us a week are murdered by those men and many more are abused in some way. And not forgetting that the point when you leave these abusers is the most dangerous time for the woman.

Also can we cut it with calling women "hysterical"? it has been used historically, and still is, to minimise our pain and suffering and yes our rage at people's utter indifference to it. It's misogynist shittery.

I’m tired of having to tippy toe around male sensibilities regard NAMALT
They then have their partners to pile in on threads telling us how splendidly safe and decent they are, to reassure and protect their fragile male egos

@lottiegarbanzo
Men have been 'tarred' and 'demonised' by the actions of other men. Those bad men, plus bad behaviours in many, many men, are the 'warring faction' they face, that degrades the reputation of all men. That faction is the obvious focus for their attention.

But why do you assume 'good' men are somehow bonded to violent male sociopaths by the fact that they share the same bodily anatomy?

Demonise all men ..... does that include the one who save my life and my new born baby ?.

Also can we cut it with calling women "hysterical"? it has been used historically, and still is, to minimise our pain and suffering and yes our rage at people's utter indifference to it. It's misogynist shittery.

This! Ugh, it's so infuriating.

Can we please stop using the term hysterical...... It really does minimise the issue and is steeped in misogyny.

Men as a group,a class, they have power,dominance,privilege and they enact this upon women
Now I know that’s uncomfortable, however all the but buts will not eradicate it or it’s impact upon women
It can be as overt as domestic violence or homicide or as subtle as discrimination and everyday sexism
I travelled to an external venue to participate in a meeting, and I was waiting in reception with some other male participants whom I didn't know. I was asked was I the admin...they didn’t ask it of each other, but asked the lone female