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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Parents buying a house for me? Should I be more grateful? Why am I so concerned?

583 replies

Iamaperiwinkle · 25/03/2021 01:07

This may be long. I will also change some details so it is not outing.

Over the years parents have offered to help buy a house but wanted to say where it was, know my full finances etc and I declined. I’ve not had a great 20 years financially and nearly lost a house recently due to divorce etc But 20 years have now passed. We have now moved local. Currently renting from a friend who has sold it - so we will need to vacate in 6-10 weeks, possibly 12-16 weeks. . I have some equity from a house sale. I can not afford much of a mortgage due to various reasons. So buying is not an option.

To rent a tiny 3 bed house here is £1500 or even more a month minimum, my salary is not even double that. So we were looking at moving further away again. My parents took me a see a for sale sign house and viewing 2 weeks ago and then revealed they had actually been there twice and had made an offer. The house is amazing 5 mins walk from the children’s schools etc far far better than any rental place we have seen.

Parents suggest a cash purchase. They buy it outright but want all of my savings and then I pay them an income for 10 years or if I can raise a mortgage to pay them off ie I raise a mortgage for £50 K or pay them £500 a month for 100 months - then they gift me the house. It is brought in their sole name. If they die I inherit the house - it’s a gift.

From their side - this is their entire money savings hence wanting my savings and monthly payments - but over 5-10 years they will actually be gifting a huge proportion of money to me. They want me to be liable for all bills, insurance, council tax etc and the savings I gift them 50 K -should I stop paying the £500 a month agreement and they aren’t able to get me out of the house if gives them security . They suggest buying it solely in their names on the deeds but I will give them my £50k savings although they will put it like £400 K into the house. An agreement in place, not the sell the house until youngest is 18. 10 years so a ten year plan . We are not moving from here for many reasons. Including father of my children is local.

They initially said I could put in my £50 K and they would put my name on the deeds but they changed that this evening. I’ve told them I can’t gift them my entire savings - what happens if they don’t gift me the house, or they don’t agree with my lifestyle or whatever - I’ve given it away.

They point out at paying them £500 a month should I want I could reduce the time from 10 years to 5 or even 3. The other way to look at it is renting is £17 000 a year minimum - so I’d lose more than that renting over 5 years. Ie pay x3 the rent with no hope of a percentage ownership.

From my side - I am responsible for all mantainence on the house but it’s not in my name - I said no to this. I’ve invested all my savings. This worries me. Parents want it that if they chose they could sell but would have to give me my money back. But the roof is in good repair as is the boiler and house is it good condition. I can’t move but this would be my forever dream home.

The kids are all settled in local outstanding schools etc and I have no desire to move - they need make that clear we want to live here parents are 70 odd but fit and healthy.

I know with his dad - dads brothers situation where he agreed to buy the son a house and son was going to pay them £1000 - he stopped paying his uncle and tNeither want to screw the other over but we do want to protect ourselves

In 3 years finances will be in a position where I could raise the 50 K mortgage needed at that point I could buy them out and I would aim to do it ASAP just in case they did need care etc so we would have it written it that as soon as I raise the 50 K the house is mine to avoid any issues.

There isn’t much trust not because of them or me. Dads brother bought a house for son and rented it to them to get the money back they stopped paying the rent and this meant dads brother was locked in a legal battle to either evict son or give up the house

The only that they would see first (holiday £100 K a year they have enough other assests to pay for their care if they need it. The 50 k really to ensure I am paying it and committed and giving them an income.

On one occasion they were going to gift me the house. But they are worried about income. On another they were happy for me to put my money in (much smaller % of the total cost) and then put it in joint names. Now it is theirs and I gift them my savings and pay rent but get given the house a few years down the line.

I’m so confused. We want to do them right thing.

OP posts:
Iamaperiwinkle · 02/04/2021 11:19

At 14 she need support and encouragement but if I say ‘you are not contacting them’ I could well end up playing into their narrative, as it horrid mummy and have it turned around on me.

I’d much rather daughter and I are open and honest about communication and the reality and what is acceptable ‘normal’ behaviour and what isn’t etc and how to deal with it.

This is on mumsnet and I’ve got some good advice but I can’t please everyone with my response but there are many responses to this. And different people will do different things. I will do what is right for us.

At the moment that is time away and low communication.

I don’t think the children will be going around in the immediate future but if I start dictating what a nearly 15 year old can do - she might rebel. So I’d rather keep my dialogue open with her about any response. I’m not taking her phone away. Or blocking them - she can see it for what it is.

OP posts:
ButtonMoonLoon · 04/04/2021 12:32

Iamperiwinkle how are you?
I hope the Easter weekend is passing peacefully for you and your children x

Lockdownbear · 04/04/2021 13:24

Op your DD sounds a smart cookie and has some valuable life experience in there.

Your parents are brutal to both you and your DC.

Depending on the area of the country £44k could be a decent deposit for your own place and not leave yourself open to being manipulated by your parents.

Good luck.

Ohdobequiet · 07/04/2021 00:29

Hope your kids are ok opX

SavannahLands · 07/04/2021 01:56

Whatever you gift to a person during their lifetime will cost the recipient 40% in tax should the donor not survive for 7 years post donating the gift.

I had this confirmed by our solicitor only a few days ago, that is one hell of a burden on the recipient especially if the Donor is Elderly or suffering from a life limiting medical condition where the chances are fairly high of this law being enforced by the Tax office as part of the Probate process.

WisnaeMe · 07/04/2021 02:17

@SavannahLands

Whatever you gift to a person during their lifetime will cost the recipient 40% in tax should the donor not survive for 7 years post donating the gift.

I had this confirmed by our solicitor only a few days ago, that is one hell of a burden on the recipient especially if the Donor is Elderly or suffering from a life limiting medical condition where the chances are fairly high of this law being enforced by the Tax office as part of the Probate process.

the thread has moved on substantially.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 07/04/2021 09:49

@SavannahLands

Whatever you gift to a person during their lifetime will cost the recipient 40% in tax should the donor not survive for 7 years post donating the gift.

I had this confirmed by our solicitor only a few days ago, that is one hell of a burden on the recipient especially if the Donor is Elderly or suffering from a life limiting medical condition where the chances are fairly high of this law being enforced by the Tax office as part of the Probate process.

Not now relevant to the thread, but in case anyone is using this info, it isn’t that simple.

It depends on the total level of giving / value if estate, and the % is tapered if the gift was more than 3 years before death.

It is clearly explained on Gov.uk www.gov.uk/inheritance-tax/gifts

GingerFreaker · 07/04/2021 12:27

My parents and I discussed something similar after my divorce.

I'd put in everything, ie, what little, I had, they'd add the rest to meet the house price. House in parents names and mine (essentially to prevent another bloke trying to take all my assets again). I'd pay them a reasonable reduced monthly payment.

Eventually we reached a different solution, but my parents and I have 100pc honesty and trust. Doesn't sound like the OP does.

Iamaperiwinkle · 07/04/2021 17:29

So a little update.

Things kicked off a little last weekend. We have now moved into a friend's house -about an hour drive away from their schools, my work and my parents -as we needed somewhere to live for a bit (other house where we were living exchanged and completion is this week). We are sharing a bedroom there. It's not ideal but I am so grateful to my friend for taking us in.

At the weekend, I phoned my parents just aiming for a 'neutral chat' but instead got a rapid fire of 100 questions -where are the living, did I realise I wasn't allowed to go to their house etc and then a demand to come to my friend's house to drop off our stuff 'they need the room' and informed me it was a car load. I wasn't welcome back etc. My friend said she would prefer it to stay at theirs until we rent somewhere so we aren't moving twice, also she didn't want me to give my parents her address.

Daughter phoned to ask to return to the house and look for some things -eg her watch, headphones. This is the grandchild who is the apple of their eye. My Dad said in such a sick sweet voice 'Darling, you aren't allowed back. Give me an itemised list and your darling grandpa will collect it all up for you and come and give it to mummy when mummy gives us her friend's address' -daughter was pleading with them -they won't budge she got upset and was crying. And I..........hit the fucking roof as did my friends who overheard the conversation.

I phoned and said 'Pack it all up now -all of it. We can come and get it from your house or meet you somewhere -friends are coming to get it'. They panicked a bit and arranged a meeting place for 2 hours later. They then phoned back and wanted to change the time -friend answered my phone and refused to change the time.

We meet them -did they have all of my & the kids stuff?? -nope. They kept trying to talk to me -and friends physically blocked them.
My Dad then said 'Ok darling, we have about 5 more bin bags, you come over tomorrow on your own darling and we will give them back. What time honey are you coming tomorrow morning' and I said 'Don't know what I'm doing yet' and he kept on about it -ie that's what we have arranged, you will ring in the morning and give us a time and pop over on your own' until friend interjected and said 'No. Nothing agreed. She's not going to ring you in the morning unless she wants to or we have time' and at that point we left.

So we have most of our stuff back but not all of it. Waiting for news from boss -which could be next week. I go back on 19/4/21 so maybe know by then??

Father has not replied to either of the emails I sent 10 days ago. There was radio silence the following day from them -and they haven't contacted me or the children since.

It just seems surreal. Like it is someone else's life or a movie. At various points due to past things from them I've gone NC or LC. But they got us to move back here and relocate to their town and now this??
I spoke at length to the kids and they said despite being currently NC with their grandparents they still want to stay local -not for them but for us. It would be so so hard to move back as well. We have sold our house. Moved jobs and schools and eldest has started GCSEs etc .would be far too hard to move back I think.

The life is better here -more network and rail links -and youngest wants to go to uni in the city near here etc.

OP posts:
Level75 · 07/04/2021 17:34

I kept track on the Stately Home thread. What a nightmare! At least now you know the lay of the land re your parents. Are you going to go NC?

Iamaperiwinkle · 07/04/2021 17:35

Ps I have also apologised a number of times -for what I'm not entirely sure!!

OP posts:
Iamaperiwinkle · 07/04/2021 17:39

@Level75

I kept track on the Stately Home thread. What a nightmare! At least now you know the lay of the land re your parents. Are you going to go NC?
They still have some of my stuff. I just feel spaced out. I mean -they are not talking to be and saying to the kids 'Mummy was offered a house we offered to buy it and she turned it down. Mummy is choosing not to stay here. Mummy has chosen to move to Jenny's' etc I mean WTAF?
OP posts:
Pipsquiggle · 07/04/2021 18:22

So it is very clear that your parents are manipulative and their behaviour bizarre. I didn't understand - are you going to stay an hour away or move back to parents' town?

Iamaperiwinkle · 07/04/2021 18:45

@Pipsquiggle

So it is very clear that your parents are manipulative and their behaviour bizarre. I didn't understand - are you going to stay an hour away or move back to parents' town?
we will have to move closer for schools etc
OP posts:
Sportysporty · 07/04/2021 18:55

Mu SEE 32In simple terms they are manipulate nutters. Get your stuff back/just forget the stuff they have and go as low contact as is humanly possible

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 07/04/2021 19:36

What stuff do they still have? They have kept it as a way to control you. Do you need it?

They are totally toxic op.

RandomMess · 07/04/2021 22:01

Presumably now your eyes are well and truly opened to stay away from them forever Thanks

What is still at their house that they are refusing to hand back?

Iamaperiwinkle · 11/04/2021 13:59

I'm a bit shocked to be honest. They still have my stuff and I sent a text offering to pop over and get it this afternoon if they wanted me to.

A few minutes later my father rang and said I was absolutely not welcome. to go at all -ever again.

Then a text with the above, saying they request absolutely no more contact with me ever -and giving me a family member number to contact if I want to talk to them -in an emergency.

OP posts:
Iamaperiwinkle · 11/04/2021 14:00

Looking at it I can't see how they have done this in 2 days........?

It's weird. Really weird.

OP posts:
Newestname001 · 11/04/2021 15:28

You might need see if the police can help you gain access to collect your stuff, OP, especially if they still have your work laptop? Doesn't sound as though you have anything to lose as far as their affections are concerned. Check with 101 to see if that would work? 🌹

RandomMess · 11/04/2021 18:23

I agree about asking the police if they would accompany you to collect your and your DC belongings. They may will "behave" themselves in the presence of the police.

Make a precise list of what is there that you need back ready for speaking to the police.

Thanks
Pipsquiggle · 11/04/2021 19:20

The police will see this as a civil dispute so I doubt they would attend, I would, however, suggest someone goes with you - perhaps the family member whose number they gave to you?

I am sorry about this OP. Sounds like your parents create and perpetuate drama where it really isn't needed. Unfortunately, family fall outs are all too common. My aunt hasn't spoken to my mum in over 20 years. My mum has reached out to her numerous times but it has been rejected every time - she is stubborn, belligerent and a drama queen. It's just very sad and I know it hurts my mum deeply even now.

I hope your situation calms down, it may take time but remember ultimately you don't want toxic people in your life.

BlueDahlia69 · 12/04/2021 04:35

Get the rest of your belongings back and change all email addresses and mobile numbers. This is no way to live, for or your children, its appalling in fact.

You have an incredibly supportive generous kind strong friend, she is amazing.

AutomaticMoon · 12/04/2021 05:16

@Iamaperiwinkle FlowersCakeWine

Pompom2367 · 12/04/2021 05:39

Op is the items they have valuable or sentimental if not I would leave them they are trying to control you

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