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Parents buying a house for me? Should I be more grateful? Why am I so concerned?

583 replies

Iamaperiwinkle · 25/03/2021 01:07

This may be long. I will also change some details so it is not outing.

Over the years parents have offered to help buy a house but wanted to say where it was, know my full finances etc and I declined. I’ve not had a great 20 years financially and nearly lost a house recently due to divorce etc But 20 years have now passed. We have now moved local. Currently renting from a friend who has sold it - so we will need to vacate in 6-10 weeks, possibly 12-16 weeks. . I have some equity from a house sale. I can not afford much of a mortgage due to various reasons. So buying is not an option.

To rent a tiny 3 bed house here is £1500 or even more a month minimum, my salary is not even double that. So we were looking at moving further away again. My parents took me a see a for sale sign house and viewing 2 weeks ago and then revealed they had actually been there twice and had made an offer. The house is amazing 5 mins walk from the children’s schools etc far far better than any rental place we have seen.

Parents suggest a cash purchase. They buy it outright but want all of my savings and then I pay them an income for 10 years or if I can raise a mortgage to pay them off ie I raise a mortgage for £50 K or pay them £500 a month for 100 months - then they gift me the house. It is brought in their sole name. If they die I inherit the house - it’s a gift.

From their side - this is their entire money savings hence wanting my savings and monthly payments - but over 5-10 years they will actually be gifting a huge proportion of money to me. They want me to be liable for all bills, insurance, council tax etc and the savings I gift them 50 K -should I stop paying the £500 a month agreement and they aren’t able to get me out of the house if gives them security . They suggest buying it solely in their names on the deeds but I will give them my £50k savings although they will put it like £400 K into the house. An agreement in place, not the sell the house until youngest is 18. 10 years so a ten year plan . We are not moving from here for many reasons. Including father of my children is local.

They initially said I could put in my £50 K and they would put my name on the deeds but they changed that this evening. I’ve told them I can’t gift them my entire savings - what happens if they don’t gift me the house, or they don’t agree with my lifestyle or whatever - I’ve given it away.

They point out at paying them £500 a month should I want I could reduce the time from 10 years to 5 or even 3. The other way to look at it is renting is £17 000 a year minimum - so I’d lose more than that renting over 5 years. Ie pay x3 the rent with no hope of a percentage ownership.

From my side - I am responsible for all mantainence on the house but it’s not in my name - I said no to this. I’ve invested all my savings. This worries me. Parents want it that if they chose they could sell but would have to give me my money back. But the roof is in good repair as is the boiler and house is it good condition. I can’t move but this would be my forever dream home.

The kids are all settled in local outstanding schools etc and I have no desire to move - they need make that clear we want to live here parents are 70 odd but fit and healthy.

I know with his dad - dads brothers situation where he agreed to buy the son a house and son was going to pay them £1000 - he stopped paying his uncle and tNeither want to screw the other over but we do want to protect ourselves

In 3 years finances will be in a position where I could raise the 50 K mortgage needed at that point I could buy them out and I would aim to do it ASAP just in case they did need care etc so we would have it written it that as soon as I raise the 50 K the house is mine to avoid any issues.

There isn’t much trust not because of them or me. Dads brother bought a house for son and rented it to them to get the money back they stopped paying the rent and this meant dads brother was locked in a legal battle to either evict son or give up the house

The only that they would see first (holiday £100 K a year they have enough other assests to pay for their care if they need it. The 50 k really to ensure I am paying it and committed and giving them an income.

On one occasion they were going to gift me the house. But they are worried about income. On another they were happy for me to put my money in (much smaller % of the total cost) and then put it in joint names. Now it is theirs and I gift them my savings and pay rent but get given the house a few years down the line.

I’m so confused. We want to do them right thing.

OP posts:
JustLyra · 01/04/2021 13:33

I think you need to be careful and set very firm boundaries with your parents.

They clearly still think they are in charge.

The whole thing about damage to the house was clearly yet another way to try and elicit cash from you.

Stay as far away from them as possible, and i wouldn’t ever be allowing unsupervised access to my kids (if I ever allowed access at all).

Iamaperiwinkle · 01/04/2021 13:45

Unfortunately the children still have a lot of clothes there and school books and computers etc so I will need to speak to them. I don’t have my dads brothers number but I’ve been trying to contact him via SM and he has spent me a message saying all ok? And I said I’d like to talk to him about family and can he not mention it to my dad that I’ve contacted him - I hopefully he will ring me over the weekend and I’ll be able to catch up. I really need alternative accommodation and sort children.

They brought my eldest a mobile and tried to take it back saying ‘she didn’t really use it’ and she was upset so I’m considering asking for the receipt and then giving them the cash for it so then she feels secure that it is hers. At the moment she is worried they are going to take it back

OP posts:
Iamaperiwinkle · 01/04/2021 13:50

The mobile they brought was supposedly for her birthday but they have twice tried to take it away citing ‘you don’t really need it’ meaning she was crying her eyes out. They did this the day after they gave it to her and then a week later. - again this was totally their idea to buy it and they watched her twist like a worm whilst they said it was in her interests to have the phone taken away so they could buy her someone else that she would use Hmm I called them mean and unkind at that point and they relented but they did give it back. She has asked me to ask them how much it was so she can buy it from them out of her savings. So they can’t take it away again or say she is beholden to them. I tend to agree.

OP posts:
WisnaeMe · 01/04/2021 13:55

get your belongings and leave .. stop engaging with them 🌸

WisnaeMe · 01/04/2021 13:56

@Iamaperiwinkle

The mobile they brought was supposedly for her birthday but they have twice tried to take it away citing ‘you don’t really need it’ meaning she was crying her eyes out. They did this the day after they gave it to her and then a week later. - again this was totally their idea to buy it and they watched her twist like a worm whilst they said it was in her interests to have the phone taken away so they could buy her someone else that she would use Hmm I called them mean and unkind at that point and they relented but they did give it back. She has asked me to ask them how much it was so she can buy it from them out of her savings. So they can’t take it away again or say she is beholden to them. I tend to agree.

are you serious ....

this is cruel and unusual behaviour it is ABUSIVE ..

please stop engaging with these clowns

Oneeyeopen · 01/04/2021 14:06

I wouldn’t return any money for anything.
Especially not the phone, it was a gift.
Tell them not to threaten your dc with removing the phone again. And mean it.
You are the parent to your dc and whilst you’re doing better you really need to remove your dc from the line of fire.
Fingers crossed for the flat.

JustLyra · 01/04/2021 14:11

@Iamaperiwinkle

The mobile they brought was supposedly for her birthday but they have twice tried to take it away citing ‘you don’t really need it’ meaning she was crying her eyes out. They did this the day after they gave it to her and then a week later. - again this was totally their idea to buy it and they watched her twist like a worm whilst they said it was in her interests to have the phone taken away so they could buy her someone else that she would use Hmm I called them mean and unkind at that point and they relented but they did give it back. She has asked me to ask them how much it was so she can buy it from them out of her savings. So they can’t take it away again or say she is beholden to them. I tend to agree.
Do not allow your DD to pay them.

You don’t buy your birthday presents from someone.

I mean this in the nicest possible way here, but you must start dealing with this in a way that teaches your daughter what is normal and acceptable going forward.

Letting her pay them is not doing that.

She is not beholden to them because they gave her a birthday gift.

They also should not be close enough to her to take it away again. You cannot allow these people to do the number on your child that they’ve done on you.

You need to collect your things, all of them, and then stay away.

I’d be wary of stoking the fire with your uncle until you’ve done that. It doesn’t matter what his opinion is or what your parents don’t to him right at this moment. You need to focus on disentangling you and your children from your parents.

cripez · 01/04/2021 14:13

I think you need to think about leaving your parents in the same way as a person leaving an abusive relationship.

Get out, get safe, no contact.

I don't know why you've contacted the uncle, you're just entwining yourself further in the drama.

Get out.

WallaceinAnderland · 01/04/2021 14:35

Why so much engagement. I'm sorry OP but your 14 year old is way too young to be dragged into any of this. Keep your children away from them and cut all contact yourself. It's a horrible thing to have to do but they don't like you. You absolutely have to stop caring.

cripez · 01/04/2021 15:02

OP is infantilised by their parents, there was a similar thread recently only this time the parents talked the OP into an abortion.

You cannot negotiate with narcissists. You have to cut them off.

lightofthetrees · 01/04/2021 15:07

Inheritance could be a nightmare. They can give you a lump sum and you can use it towards buying a house.

billy1966 · 01/04/2021 15:40

Jesus christ OP,

Your poor daughter.

Why the hell are you allowing them to do that to your child.

Unbelievable.

Can you not see how completely wrong and unnecessary this is?.

They have abused you and are now doing it to your children.

Really dreadful.

Do not pay them for the gift.
Don't return it.

Collect all belongings and stay away from them and protect your children.

This is so shocking.

Can you not see that you are laying the tracks for huge emotional damage to your daughter.

She's a child.
She should not have to deal with this shit from YOUR awful parents.

Can you not recognise what the tears must mean?

These are not good people.

I hope your daughter has someone outside of your family that she can reach out to, because if it was the friend of one of my daughter's I would definitely be approaching her school re safeguarding.

Block their number on ALL devices and tell them NOT to contact your children again.

You need to step up OP.
This is bigger than you.
Protect your children.
Flowers

Pipsquiggle · 01/04/2021 16:16

Hi OP. I have read all your posts and genuinely can't believe your parents.

You need to look after yourself and your children.

Your instincts were bang on correct and you need to keep taking notice of them.

The solicitor said they were being crazy and they totally disregarded that advice.

What they have said about your DD's phone is just cruel.

They sound like controlling abusers who have zero emotional intelligence and will only consider their own narratives - total CFs

Iamaperiwinkle · 01/04/2021 17:54

@billy1966

Jesus christ OP,

Your poor daughter.

Why the hell are you allowing them to do that to your child.

Unbelievable.

Can you not see how completely wrong and unnecessary this is?.

They have abused you and are now doing it to your children.

Really dreadful.

Do not pay them for the gift.
Don't return it.

Collect all belongings and stay away from them and protect your children.

This is so shocking.

Can you not see that you are laying the tracks for huge emotional damage to your daughter.

She's a child.
She should not have to deal with this shit from YOUR awful parents.

Can you not recognise what the tears must mean?

These are not good people.

I hope your daughter has someone outside of your family that she can reach out to, because if it was the friend of one of my daughter's I would definitely be approaching her school re safeguarding.

Block their number on ALL devices and tell them NOT to contact your children again.

You need to step up OP.
This is bigger than you.
Protect your children.
Flowers

Please don’t patronise me with ‘can’t you see what the tears mean?’ Etc I know it is abuse.

I’m there for my children this is not a safeguarding issue. We were due to be living there for the 2 abs a bit weeks over Easter - we aren’t. I’m very glad I don’t know you in RL and I’m glad my actual friends are more supportive.

They wanted me and the children to go over this afternoon I didn’t take them. Contact is very very limited at the moment and will be for a while. I don’t really want to pick up my stuff with nowhere to take it etc

Yes of course it’s abuse to want gifts back etc. They are the only family we really have - very small family. So cutting them out is huge. Plus I can’t go NC whilst they have all our stuff.

Likewise I’m in pain and hurting over the house, then and the fact that yet again they have let me down.

In a couple of weeks they will pretend it was all a misunderstanding and I’m being too emotional etc or it’s all my fault and want to revert to ‘normal’ and just expect me to not discuss it at all - they certainly won’t apologise.

OP posts:
WisnaeMe · 01/04/2021 18:04

Its good you can see all this for what it is OP.

People posting are genuinely concerned because the more you explain how your parents behave the worse it sounds. Nothing distresses posters more than reading about Children being treated badly, so I think it's unfair to call out people who are genuinely concerned for your well being and that of your Childrens.

Don't close down on here, we do care and try to advise and support you do whats best for you.

Yes you need all your belongings back and you may need to be cunning and artful about it, so do it.

🌸

LittleOwl153 · 01/04/2021 18:04

How important is the phone number to your daughter? As in would she be bothered if her number changed? If not I'd get her a new phone - or let her buy one and give it them back. They should not have a hold over your child.

Hopefully your uncle will call you and facilitate you getting your stuff back. If not can you take someone else? Would you boss go with you as it is a work computer you needful? Bet they wouldn't kick off in front of them!

You need to get clear of them for a good while - they will not help you EVER you are just part of their game - and your kids are becoming so too.

Iamaperiwinkle · 01/04/2021 20:27

My uncle is a much younger brother -he will be helpful and supportive -he is normal. He's not and never has been abusive. He didn't speak to my father for years -after my father screwed him over in a house sale. My father doesn't like us having contact with 'the non our Winkle side of the family'

For my father -he likes to be seen as the 'achiever' the top dog the eldest, the one with a success of his life-and I won't feel quite so cut off from family -if we are actually building bonds with other family. That will be good for the kids. They live in another country -but my father likes to be seen as the one who is wealthiest, more intelligent etc He will be relying on us staying silent. They will not have said a word to anyone about what's happened.

Eldest, is very in control for a child -she has clarfied the narrative they are spinning -as in 'I know you offered a house -but not as a gift, and with restrictions that's not the same' back to them -and has cut contact -but given she was seeing them daily -that has to be hard. They called her a child and she said 'For a child, I've got more integrity than you -I don't change my mind like you do and cause others to cry and get upset'. Parents went silent when she said that to them apparently.
My Mum called her 'sweetheart' and she said 'I'm not your sweetheart -you've broken and stamped on our hearts when we gave them freely to you -don't call me sweetheart again'

Eldest is the apple of their eye and can do no wrong -so it's a total shock to them that she is not crying and begging to go and live there.

I know people are trying to help. But actually, the children live in the same village -the school is less than 1/4 mile away - we will bump into them etc. One of my best friends lives next door to them etc -it's not easy to cut away and I'm not going to. We are settled here I'm not moving. Bugger them.

Regarding her phone -she said 'If they want their 'gift' back they can whistle -but I don't want anything else from them.

She's enjoying not being with them at Easter.

OP posts:
Bluetrews25 · 01/04/2021 20:42

Your daughter rocks! Star
One smart and tough cookie!
She was made that way by her Mum, clearly.

Kateguide · 01/04/2021 20:53

Your daughter sounds amazing - called them out on their appalling behaviour and they had no response. Very telling

RandomMess · 01/04/2021 21:02

I hope you manage to get all the belongings back.

Once you do or when it's apparent you can't then truly you will be happier if you cut contact. You can remain civil and distant if you can handle it but this is their MO.

Thanks
SmellsLikeTeenBedroom · 01/04/2021 23:20

When my grandmother became ill and needed full time residential care, all of her assets were basically seized in order to pay for this, including being required to sell her house (there is no state elderly care until you're down ro the last £25k or similar). So if your parents were to need to go into a nursing home, "your" house would be taken in order to pay for it and you would be left with nothing. It sounds like your parents aren't deliberately trying to do you over, just trying to protect themselves after what happened to your uncle. But they havent thought this through and its not at all financially safe. Can they not put your name on the house under split rather than joint ownership, where you own a small amount like 20%, which could be increased over time?

SmellsLikeTeenBedroom · 01/04/2021 23:48

Sorry, just seen your previous posts. Your parents sound hard work

Quaagars · 02/04/2021 00:42

I'm late to the thread, but going by your OP alone it was a massive no.
It's coming with far too many strings, and it wouldn't be your house, you'd be renting.
What happens in the future if anything happens - you fall out, or pay for care fees or whatever?
Was thinking sound way too controlling and then read
I threw my hands up and said no. no no. And then it really kicked off. They were crying and telling me they would just gift it to me or whatever and not to go. I left and returned to my friend's house with the kids at 6.30am. They won't talk to me now and say I have ruined their lives

Absolutely hell to the fucking NO, at least you get to know now before it's too late to back out.
Even if you can only manage a shoebox by yourself, (obvs have no idea what your finances are) I'd get that as at least you'd be in control of where you buy, what you buy, and it would be your shoebox, all by yourself with no relying on others which frankly just sounds like it would be asking for trouble, especially with your update!

bewilderedhedgehog · 02/04/2021 11:04

OP glad to see your later texts and the way you have taken back control in this difficult situation. This is a good message for your children.

cripez · 02/04/2021 11:04

@Iamaperiwinkle

My uncle is a much younger brother -he will be helpful and supportive -he is normal. He's not and never has been abusive. He didn't speak to my father for years -after my father screwed him over in a house sale. My father doesn't like us having contact with 'the non our Winkle side of the family'

For my father -he likes to be seen as the 'achiever' the top dog the eldest, the one with a success of his life-and I won't feel quite so cut off from family -if we are actually building bonds with other family. That will be good for the kids. They live in another country -but my father likes to be seen as the one who is wealthiest, more intelligent etc He will be relying on us staying silent. They will not have said a word to anyone about what's happened.

Eldest, is very in control for a child -she has clarfied the narrative they are spinning -as in 'I know you offered a house -but not as a gift, and with restrictions that's not the same' back to them -and has cut contact -but given she was seeing them daily -that has to be hard. They called her a child and she said 'For a child, I've got more integrity than you -I don't change my mind like you do and cause others to cry and get upset'. Parents went silent when she said that to them apparently.
My Mum called her 'sweetheart' and she said 'I'm not your sweetheart -you've broken and stamped on our hearts when we gave them freely to you -don't call me sweetheart again'

Eldest is the apple of their eye and can do no wrong -so it's a total shock to them that she is not crying and begging to go and live there.

I know people are trying to help. But actually, the children live in the same village -the school is less than 1/4 mile away - we will bump into them etc. One of my best friends lives next door to them etc -it's not easy to cut away and I'm not going to. We are settled here I'm not moving. Bugger them.

Regarding her phone -she said 'If they want their 'gift' back they can whistle -but I don't want anything else from them.

She's enjoying not being with them at Easter.

Your children shouldn't be having these interactions with their grandparents. You should be shielding them from them.

Your kids sound amazing, and of course they are a credit to you. But they shouldn't be around abusive people.