Parents buying a house for me? Should I be more grateful? Why am I so concerned?

[Iamaperiwinkle]

This may be long. I will also change some details so it is not outing.

Over the years parents have offered to help buy a house but wanted to say where it was, know my full finances etc and I declined. I’ve not had a great 20 years financially and nearly lost a house recently due to divorce etc But 20 years have now passed. We have now moved local. Currently renting from a friend who has sold it - so we will need to vacate in 6-10 weeks, possibly 12-16 weeks. . I have some equity from a house sale. I can not afford much of a mortgage due to various reasons. So buying is not an option.

To rent a tiny 3 bed house here is £1500 or even more a month minimum, my salary is not even double that. So we were looking at moving further away again. My parents took me a see a for sale sign house and viewing 2 weeks ago and then revealed they had actually been there twice and had made an offer. The house is amazing 5 mins walk from the children’s schools etc far far better than any rental place we have seen.

Parents suggest a cash purchase. They buy it outright but want all of my savings and then I pay them an income for 10 years or if I can raise a mortgage to pay them off ie I raise a mortgage for £50 K or pay them £500 a month for 100 months - then they gift me the house. It is brought in their sole name. If they die I inherit the house - it’s a gift.

From their side - this is their entire money savings hence wanting my savings and monthly payments - but over 5-10 years they will actually be gifting a huge proportion of money to me. They want me to be liable for all bills, insurance, council tax etc and the savings I gift them 50 K -should I stop paying the £500 a month agreement and they aren’t able to get me out of the house if gives them security . They suggest buying it solely in their names on the deeds but I will give them my £50k savings although they will put it like £400 K into the house. An agreement in place, not the sell the house until youngest is 18. 10 years so a ten year plan . We are not moving from here for many reasons. Including father of my children is local.

They initially said I could put in my £50 K and they would put my name on the deeds but they changed that this evening. I’ve told them I can’t gift them my entire savings - what happens if they don’t gift me the house, or they don’t agree with my lifestyle or whatever - I’ve given it away.

They point out at paying them £500 a month should I want I could reduce the time from 10 years to 5 or even 3. The other way to look at it is renting is £17 000 a year minimum - so I’d lose more than that renting over 5 years. Ie pay x3 the rent with no hope of a percentage ownership.

From my side - I am responsible for all mantainence on the house but it’s not in my name - I said no to this. I’ve invested all my savings. This worries me. Parents want it that if they chose they could sell but would have to give me my money back. But the roof is in good repair as is the boiler and house is it good condition. I can’t move but this would be my forever dream home.

The kids are all settled in local outstanding schools etc and I have no desire to move - they need make that clear we want to live here parents are 70 odd but fit and healthy.

I know with his dad - dads brothers situation where he agreed to buy the son a house and son was going to pay them £1000 - he stopped paying his uncle and tNeither want to screw the other over but we do want to protect ourselves

In 3 years finances will be in a position where I could raise the 50 K mortgage needed at that point I could buy them out and I would aim to do it ASAP just in case they did need care etc so we would have it written it that as soon as I raise the 50 K the house is mine to avoid any issues.

There isn’t much trust not because of them or me. Dads brother bought a house for son and rented it to them to get the money back they stopped paying the rent and this meant dads brother was locked in a legal battle to either evict son or give up the house

The only that they would see first (holiday £100 K a year they have enough other assests to pay for their care if they need it. The 50 k really to ensure I am paying it and committed and giving them an income.

On one occasion they were going to gift me the house. But they are worried about income. On another they were happy for me to put my money in (much smaller % of the total cost) and then put it in joint names. Now it is theirs and I gift them my savings and pay rent but get given the house a few years down the line.

I’m so confused. We want to do them right thing.

now you can find yourself somewhere of your choosing to rent. 🌺

If someone genuinely wants to do something nice for someone, but the person they want to do it for says no, that isn’t a reason or an excuse to become angry - the appropriate response when that person says “thanks but no thanks” is to smile and say “not to worry”, and then move on.

If a rejected offer to do or give something turns into a massive psychodrama and guilt trip then you know for sure that it was never really about doing something nice for you, it was really all about them.

They agreed to buy a house for themselves, with the idea that you could live in it if you surrendered all your financial independence, stability and control over to them and became an overgrown child for them rather than living your own life.

You can repeat that narrative to anyone who needs to know. As many times as it takes. Aside from your children who will need to understand the truth sooner or later, it doesn't very much matter what anyone else believes.

Best cases scenario, you all become tenants in common. You pay a rent for their part and each are responsible proportionally for big bills ie new boilers etc.

If it came to selling due to long term care you will have made a profit but they would pay tax as second home.

@littlebillie

Best cases scenario, you all become tenants in common. You pay a rent for their part and each are responsible proportionally for big bills ie new boilers etc.

If it came to selling due to long term care you will have made a profit but they would pay tax as second home.

read the thread 🙄

@littlebillie

Best cases scenario, you all become tenants in common. You pay a rent for their part and each are responsible proportionally for big bills ie new boilers etc.

If it came to selling due to long term care you will have made a profit but they would pay tax as second home.

RTFT.

Tell people the truth if they ask. Don't let them spin it their own way. Wanting you to get your salary paid to them is just crazy!

They left a word out. They claim they were buying you a house. What they were actually trying to do was buy you with a house. Given that the only way it would work for them was for you to hand your whole self - and your children - over to their full control it was clearly always unacceptable. The only question is whether it was what they really wanted or the plan was always to dangle something lovely over your head which was then not going to happen. I think the former was the plan but the latter was a second-best option. Either way they win and you suffer.

BUT: you were stronger than they believed and didn't take the poisoned bait. Although you are indeed right now suffering in a way you totally don't deserve, you've actually gained freedom. They've overplayed their hand by trying to make you fully dependent but instead you've broken away. It's not going to be easy striking out on your own - it is however going to be so, so worth it in time. You proved before that you could do it. That's why they were so keen to lure you to live near them in the first place. The "free house" illusion was to finally cement the deal - the cement block round your feet that is!

You're going to be ok. Honestly. It sucks right now but you have the tools. Most importantly, they'll lose that stranglehold on their grandchildren. That's worth every penny and every ounce of pain.

I feel better and stronger.

So I have sent them a email hopefully it was concise, but covered what I wanted to. I have said I don't know if they will reply but there is no expectation, as of now -that they will.

I have thanked them for letting us stay at weekends and for help with childcare etc.

This was always conditional -although I didn't mention it in the email -They demanded which child was allowed to do which clubs eg eldest allowed to do choir on a monday but not on a wednesday etc as it didn't suit them - despite them being retired and in lockdown. What they said went.

I have pointed out their conditions chopped and changed -hourly and daily and that I don't want a house under those conditions. That they put me in an untenable position -that they imposed conditions -for example on one occassion they told me to rehome the cat and when I got upset said 'choose a cat or a house'. When I didn't asnwer quick eough I wasn't grateful and they started on me as I sat still for a couple of minutes and didn't reply.
Then when I agreed, which I shouldn't have done in retrospect -but they pressured me under duress to give an answer or they would pull the house sale) they said two hours later 'Ok, we have now discussed the cat -she can come and live in the house until she dies' etc . So there were multiple conversations - I haven't gone into it all -as there was at least 20 lengthly discussions about conditions over the week or so since they 'brought the house'. Please understand I have changed some details etc -as I don't want to out myself.

So the email laid out the situation, that they without hint or warning offered a house but then daily and sometimes hourly changed the conditions including at one point pressuring me with the plan that I would be signing over my savings, paying life long rent, but being responsible for maintainence, replacing any boiler, roof needed etc building insurance etc without a rental agreement or indeed any rights to the property. Sometimes ringing me at 1am to discuss 'a new condition' and with me working full time and looking after children this wasn't on. I've laid out they might have told eldest they offered 'To buy mummy a house and she threw it back at us' -but that wasn't the reality -never did they offer to buy it and gift it totally with no strings, until it was 6am in the morning after I decided after they work me up at 5.30 / 5.45 am to impose more conditions -it was at this point I said 'No' that at that point it then reverted to 'being a gift'. They knew at that point I meant it.

I told them they will not divide me from the children and I will sort childcare as I and their mother and I do not trust them to do it. I said it a kinder way than that. That if I can't trust them over a house and what they say, I can't trust them not to go back on childcare agreements if I say or do something they disagree with. That going forward they must treat all the children the same. That if they want a 'conversation' the ball is in their court but they must understand this conversation must be without any strings attached & on my terms too.

That I will not bow to their conditions again.

Historically any fall out then normally it is I need to come at this time, sit in the study with the two of them on the other side of the desk -already outnumbered etc and 99.9% my father will insist I can not talk until I have 'listened' to his wisdom etc! Years ago he agreed to talk me after I refused their help on something and there was an argument-he refused to let me speak and listed everything I had done since the age of 18 that they didn't agree with (wrong university, wrong degree not drugs or anything like that!! etc) and I wasn't allowed to respond as he said he got to go first on the understanding that I could put my side at the end-except that at the end of his 'turn' -he put the phone down, then to 'move on' he sent me a letter to say if I wanted a relationship I had to just move on and not be so emotional. That it how it was resolved.

Past history is there. At times I have gone LC or NC in the past. I've had counselling. For the last 5 years the relationship has been good, better - much better, but that was with boundaries.

I've reached out to extended family -we don't have much family. They have had similiar fallings out with them in the past. I don't think it will do any harm for others to be aware. (My father didn't speak to one of his brothers for years after they brought a property together and he kept changing the conditions) but might be nice to talk to them to know it's not me and to off load a bit in RL .

They had paid £500 towards something in the last few weeks -and they raised this on the weekend that I take advantage -despite again me not asking for money -they actually paid without telling me. So I took out £250 cash this morning and dropped a note around and the money -saying 'here's £250 in part payment' other half to follow next month. I texted before I went and did not drive onto the drive and dropped it back. I texted before going to tell them that I wouldn't ring the bell etc and I was dropping around money.

-that this was purely practical.

I don't want them holding anything over me or accusing me of 'owing them'. They have also told us the place is trashed after us staying at the weekends -it really isn't I know what they are like -the rooms were immaculate although we had clothes there etc my dad's idea of trashed is that a mug has been left on the side of the sink. My mother refuses and has done for years to do any housework as nothing she does it 'up to standard' with him. So I've asked him how much money he wants -to rectify anything that is 'trashed' and to forward me any bills.

They also have my work computer I need to pick up and I included that in my text. I tried to take emotion out of my texts and just stick to the practical elements. So I've included less information then I've put here.

eg Further to the payment you made towards .... I enclose £250 which is half of the amount you said you had paid. Other half will follow end of April. I hope this helps. I will drop this off in 5 minutes after I drop the children off at school, I will not ring the bell and do not expect to have a conversation. Much appreciated you doing this. Periwinkle.

I have no expectation but I do need to pick up some of our things etc and my work computer etc and the children have computers there etc.

Well done, you are doing great.

Your email will not make any difference, sorry. That sort will ignore it. Or use it against you somehow.
Text them, say you are arriving to pick up your work computer at x time. Arrive, go in and get it.
NC going forward is your best bet.

is there anyone who can go with you to obtain your belongings. 🌸

You’ve really dodged a bullet. Imagine if they’d bought the house and you’d moved in.....they would for ever be telling you what to do and threatening to evict you if you didn’t jump high enough when they demanded it.

My heart breaks for you. You seem to try so hard but they will never be the parents you would love them to be. You cannot make them be decent to you. You cannot stop them be manipulative and controlling.
But you can control how much power you give them over yourself, your children and your life. I don't think you are there yet mentally though.

Oh my goodness op. I read all your posts for the first time today, I was really happy for you until your post about them waking you up at 6am. My heart breaks for you. What horrible parents they are to do this to their own daughter, they seem wealthy enough yet it's still not sufficient for them, it isn't the money they want from you but a sense of control. What were they thinking asking for your salary to be paid in to their account, your not a child anymore, a grown woman with children of her own and they think they can still treat you in this manner. I really hope for your sake they come to their senses and beg for your forgiveness. Xx

Your last update is heartbreaking OP. I would not want these people as my landlords - let alone my parents. I hope you can build a life for yourself and your children without them or their awful, manipulative behaviours. 🌹

Jesus.

All I can say is - you really, REALLY need to get your kids well away from them, before they start on them too.

They will, if given half the chance, quite literally try to wreck their lives the way they have with you.

You love your kids? Go no contact, be absolutely clear with your children that they should not contact them for their own mental health, and that they are not, and never have been, good parents or grandparents.

They have spent decades sucking your blood to satisfy themselves and they will do the same to your kids unless you get them OUT of your lives.

Well I’ve had some texts saying to come over. I didn’t reply.- I’m at work during the day. Got another saying ‘today is not convenient’ then one saying ‘come tomorrow’. And a few asking ‘what does it look like’ it looks like a computer ! My work have been amazing to the extent the big boss is actually looking at a flat the company owns to see if it is possible they can do the electrics etc needed on it for me and the kids to have until the end of the summer - for free. At the moment he doesn’t know if it can be done or do costings but it’s a possibility. If not he is asking everyone he knows if anyone has an annex, flat or anything we can have.

What a very lovely boss you have, @Iamaperiwinkle!! Hope they can sort something out for you - you DESERVE some good luck! 🌹

Periwinkle your parents are bonkers!

You are amazing, to have come out of being raised by them and still be here talking sense and battling your way through a jungle of dangerous lunacy, I am just so impressed. Be very proud of how you have come out of that epic battle and make sure your children know what an Amazon their mother is!
🏆🥇🏆🥇🏆🥇🏆

They really are unhinged and the contact your DC have the better!

@Iamaperiwinkle

I do hope the flat is able to be sorted for you 🌸

What a lovely boss you have and how much they must think of you.

OP, your parents are utterly batshit.
Apologies but their behaviour is not normal.
Please protect yourself and your children.

Your father is a nasty horror and your mother facilitates it all.

Please look at every single option and avoid them completely.

Oh I hope this works out for you with work! How lovely are they! You deserve some good luck x

No news on work flat. It was a ‘special day’ for my parents - so I wished them HP and to have a nice day. They had summoned me for this afternoon but not given me a time so I don’t want to be going after I picked the children up so I told them it wouldn’t work as the kids need emotional security.

They replied with ‘thank you’