Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Parents buying a house for me? Should I be more grateful? Why am I so concerned?

583 replies

Iamaperiwinkle · 25/03/2021 01:07

This may be long. I will also change some details so it is not outing.

Over the years parents have offered to help buy a house but wanted to say where it was, know my full finances etc and I declined. I’ve not had a great 20 years financially and nearly lost a house recently due to divorce etc But 20 years have now passed. We have now moved local. Currently renting from a friend who has sold it - so we will need to vacate in 6-10 weeks, possibly 12-16 weeks. . I have some equity from a house sale. I can not afford much of a mortgage due to various reasons. So buying is not an option.

To rent a tiny 3 bed house here is £1500 or even more a month minimum, my salary is not even double that. So we were looking at moving further away again. My parents took me a see a for sale sign house and viewing 2 weeks ago and then revealed they had actually been there twice and had made an offer. The house is amazing 5 mins walk from the children’s schools etc far far better than any rental place we have seen.

Parents suggest a cash purchase. They buy it outright but want all of my savings and then I pay them an income for 10 years or if I can raise a mortgage to pay them off ie I raise a mortgage for £50 K or pay them £500 a month for 100 months - then they gift me the house. It is brought in their sole name. If they die I inherit the house - it’s a gift.

From their side - this is their entire money savings hence wanting my savings and monthly payments - but over 5-10 years they will actually be gifting a huge proportion of money to me. They want me to be liable for all bills, insurance, council tax etc and the savings I gift them 50 K -should I stop paying the £500 a month agreement and they aren’t able to get me out of the house if gives them security . They suggest buying it solely in their names on the deeds but I will give them my £50k savings although they will put it like £400 K into the house. An agreement in place, not the sell the house until youngest is 18. 10 years so a ten year plan . We are not moving from here for many reasons. Including father of my children is local.

They initially said I could put in my £50 K and they would put my name on the deeds but they changed that this evening. I’ve told them I can’t gift them my entire savings - what happens if they don’t gift me the house, or they don’t agree with my lifestyle or whatever - I’ve given it away.

They point out at paying them £500 a month should I want I could reduce the time from 10 years to 5 or even 3. The other way to look at it is renting is £17 000 a year minimum - so I’d lose more than that renting over 5 years. Ie pay x3 the rent with no hope of a percentage ownership.

From my side - I am responsible for all mantainence on the house but it’s not in my name - I said no to this. I’ve invested all my savings. This worries me. Parents want it that if they chose they could sell but would have to give me my money back. But the roof is in good repair as is the boiler and house is it good condition. I can’t move but this would be my forever dream home.

The kids are all settled in local outstanding schools etc and I have no desire to move - they need make that clear we want to live here parents are 70 odd but fit and healthy.

I know with his dad - dads brothers situation where he agreed to buy the son a house and son was going to pay them £1000 - he stopped paying his uncle and tNeither want to screw the other over but we do want to protect ourselves

In 3 years finances will be in a position where I could raise the 50 K mortgage needed at that point I could buy them out and I would aim to do it ASAP just in case they did need care etc so we would have it written it that as soon as I raise the 50 K the house is mine to avoid any issues.

There isn’t much trust not because of them or me. Dads brother bought a house for son and rented it to them to get the money back they stopped paying the rent and this meant dads brother was locked in a legal battle to either evict son or give up the house

The only that they would see first (holiday £100 K a year they have enough other assests to pay for their care if they need it. The 50 k really to ensure I am paying it and committed and giving them an income.

On one occasion they were going to gift me the house. But they are worried about income. On another they were happy for me to put my money in (much smaller % of the total cost) and then put it in joint names. Now it is theirs and I gift them my savings and pay rent but get given the house a few years down the line.

I’m so confused. We want to do them right thing.

OP posts:
HamFisted · 30/03/2021 06:02

Or, better, use your savings as a deposit. Mortgages are my h cheaper than rent: we couldn't afford to rent the house we're paying a mortgage on currently.

pilates · 30/03/2021 07:28

Wow just read your update. Your parents are narcissistic and you need to distance yourselves from them. Look after yourself and your children. 💐

CovidCorvid · 30/03/2021 08:53

Do you need them for childcare? Isn’t the 14yo old enough to step up and look after their sibling for a few hours? Or do you need longer/overnight childcare?

MollyButton · 30/03/2021 09:52

Take some deep breaths.

Block them from all contact with you and your DC - at least for a few days - see it as a health recovery holiday.

I would suggest you do look at the stately homes thread in relationships. You are not the only person with awful parents.

How old are your children? I would suggest that you speak to their schools - I would suggest you ask for all of them to be recognised as young carers - I really wish I had for my children as they could have had extra support (and a few treats), your health issues should be enough.
The 14 year old doesn't need much child care.
I would also talk to your employer, see if they can offer any help/flexibility.

And I would start planning what to do without their "help" at all. Do you like living where you are? Are there cheaper places you could live with good access to the eldest DC's school?
I would draw your DC (at least those old enough) into planning how you are going to sort out your lives practically.

But also plan for fun to have with your DC over Easter.

RandomMess · 30/03/2021 10:10

They are toxic and you know this.

They want you reliant on them and under their control. Offering to do childcare and renting from them was only ever about that.

It must be dreadful to be in this situation. Presumably you can't move back?

Priorities are finding childcare and then a rental property Thanks

SinisterBumFacedCat · 30/03/2021 12:17

At 14 I was home alone when my DM worked but that may not be appropriate for your DC. Is it worth having a chat with their school about it? Your parents taking your child and not allowing you contact is abusive. I think someone in authority should be made aware of this because their actions are making you vulnerable.

Penistoe · 30/03/2021 12:33

No no and no. You are buying them a house not the other way around. You could live in the house save up and use the 50k to buy them out at a later date with a mortgage.

It is madness to consider this.

Penistoe · 30/03/2021 14:36

Gosh I missed a few updates you are way past this now.
Sorry op they sound horrible.

Iamaperiwinkle · 30/03/2021 14:59

We are here. I’m not sleeping and not eating. Silence from them. Both children have EHCPs in progress - draft ones already written both are waiting to go to panel. We have a few weeks to decide what to do.
They have not replied to my email or eldest text and we will leave it with them.

If they want contact they can start by apologising - I know that won’t happen.

Maybe instead of them and I quote my father ‘washing his hands of his daughter with her miserable life’ maybe it will be the other way around. They offered support and took it away. I’m upset about the house but more the treatment of us. So good luck to them. Upset is giving way to anger here.

OP posts:
CovidCorvid · 30/03/2021 15:07

I think moving from upset to anger is a good thing. They deserve for you to be angry.

SandSeaBeach · 30/03/2021 15:12

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Merryoldgoat · 30/03/2021 15:13

@SandSeaBeach

I haven’t rttt.....but I’d bite their hand off. But then a financial gift is something I as a child of a poor immigrant could only dream of; much less inheritance.
15 pages and you don’t think there might be more to it?
billy1966 · 30/03/2021 15:16

How a parent could say that you rather than help you in your miserable life is truly heartbreaking.

Can't understand people like that, nor do I want to.

Will say though, I do hope the die screaming is usually my response when I read about people like that.

You will get through this OP.
Eat even if you are not hungry.
Don't make yourself sick to spite them.
Your children will be who suffer.

Flowers
Pokercomic · 30/03/2021 15:24

I am so sorry you are going through this. It’s taken me years and a good few counselling sessions to get to a good place around my parents emotional torment.

They aren’t awful parents but enough to make me feel inferior/ low self esteem etc. I’m almost numb to them now.

I would recommend some counselling sessions it really helps process and give you some good tools rather than go round in the same circles.

You are not a failure, your children love you and you are an amazing mum!!

Mourn for the parents you wish you had and lower all expectations then you can never be disappointed.

Cowbells · 30/03/2021 15:30

Honestly, just go NC or, VLC and grey rock. (Go to Stately Homes thread here for support.) I went VLC with my bullying parents a few years ago. It may be a complete coincidence but my life-long depression vanished and hasn't returned.

You will find your self worth grows back along with your hair. Your stress levels drop. Your sense of autonomy grows. You will be self reliant and happy. It is such a powerful thing to do to recognise that a parent will never ever love you as you love your child, never care for you as you care for your own children, has never nurturede you but always bullied and tricked you. Acknowledge to yourself they will never apologise, never realise they have done wrong, will continue to demonise you and try to draw you in with their batshit crazy ideas: have a house but don't, oh okay may be do, here's a free house but give us ALL your money that we don't need so that you are still on your knees with debt and we can roll our eyes and tell our friends: we gave her a house and she's still struggling, how useless is periwinkle? while you remain forever and ever in our debt, oh joy!

No. Turn your back on that and make your own life with your DC calmly and in full control.

PLAYJAJADINGDONG · 30/03/2021 15:53

Oh OP you poor thing 💐🍷

I was in a not dissimilar situation about 5 years ago, was in an awful situation about to leave rented house (after rent hiked up by £200 pcm) and nowhere to go, no LL would take me as a single mum, not working. My parents wanted to help but my mum's suggestion was to offer to buy outright one of the top ten literal cheapest houses in my city, miles away from my DC's schools/friends, support network etc in the worst area of the city. When I showed the slightest bit of reluctance she blew her top and said I was spoilt and demanding.

My more reasonable (and incredibly patient) dad talked her round and we worked together to get things sorted but I remember the stress I was under and nothing in my life has compared to how bad that period of my life was. Not even my marriage ending.

Huge hugs for you.

WisnaeMe · 30/03/2021 16:27

@SandSeaBeach

I haven’t rttt.....but I’d bite their hand off. But then a financial gift is something I as a child of a poor immigrant could only dream of; much less inheritance.
jesus 🙄
Feedingthebirds1 · 30/03/2021 16:31

@SandSeaBeach

I haven’t rttt.....but I’d bite their hand off. But then a financial gift is something I as a child of a poor immigrant could only dream of; much less inheritance.
You didn't need to bother saying you hadn't read the thread. We can tell.
Iamaperiwinkle · 30/03/2021 17:09

Still here still gutted.

Eldest has spoken to my mum they are saying they offered to buy a house and I said no. That’s the narrative.

OP posts:
bewilderedhedgehog · 30/03/2021 17:13

So sorry to hear that. Sadly you can't choose other people's behaviour - but you can choose how to respond to this. Your parents are angry because you have said no and are not being compliant. I think you have made the right decision in the long term. Do you have support from RL friends to think through the next steps etc?

WisnaeMe · 30/03/2021 17:21

@Iamaperiwinkle

Still here still gutted.

Eldest has spoken to my mum they are saying they offered to buy a house and I said no. That’s the narrative.

of course it is.. thats what bullying manipulating gas lighters do OP, everything HAS to be your fault, expect nothing less than this narrative always.

stop all communication, it'll make you unwell, you must look after yourself and your kids wellbeing.

focus on you guys, your parents are never going to change, that is a fact, so don't anticipate any change to their lying self serving narrative. Let them keep their truth and you keep the facts.

🌺

CovidCorvid · 30/03/2021 17:28

Sad things is they probably half believe their narrative. Even if they don’t now, give it a bit of time they will do. They won’t be able to see they’ve done anything wrong. In their eyes you’re being unreasonable. They’ll lie about the details so much they end up believing it, they’ll gaslight you and if you’re not careful you end up questioning yourself.

Newestname001 · 30/03/2021 17:50

@Iamaperiwinkle

Still here still gutted.

Eldest has spoken to my mum they are saying they offered to buy a house and I said no. That’s the narrative.

Hi there @Iamaperiwinkle

Sad to hear your parents are lying to your DC. How was your eldest after that bit of gaslighting? Were you able to set them straight in an appropriate way and reassure them about the future?

In case you're wondering - you ARE doing well!! Perhaps also speak to friends for real life support (though you have support here too), and maybe speak to a financial adviser about your next steps regarding funding a new home. They may have ideas and information you are not aware of yet. Also see if you can speak to Citizens Advice. Practical research and action can help with anxiety I think, as well as give you tools in improving your circumstances. Strength my dear - you can do this and are stronger than you know! 🌹

Stratfordplace · 30/03/2021 17:55

100% they will lie. To all the peoplvtgat know them it will be they were going to buy you a house for you and the grandchildren.

They won’t mention taking your life savings, you having to pay them every month and the fact it wouldn’t be in your name. If you know any of their friends well perhaps you can tell them the real reason.

Feedingthebirds1 · 30/03/2021 18:01

they are saying they offered to buy a house and I said no.

Well I suppose technically they're right. They're just conveniently cutting out all their shittiness in the middle. I hope eldest can see right through them.

Swipe left for the next trending thread