Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Parents buying a house for me? Should I be more grateful? Why am I so concerned?

583 replies

Iamaperiwinkle · 25/03/2021 01:07

This may be long. I will also change some details so it is not outing.

Over the years parents have offered to help buy a house but wanted to say where it was, know my full finances etc and I declined. I’ve not had a great 20 years financially and nearly lost a house recently due to divorce etc But 20 years have now passed. We have now moved local. Currently renting from a friend who has sold it - so we will need to vacate in 6-10 weeks, possibly 12-16 weeks. . I have some equity from a house sale. I can not afford much of a mortgage due to various reasons. So buying is not an option.

To rent a tiny 3 bed house here is £1500 or even more a month minimum, my salary is not even double that. So we were looking at moving further away again. My parents took me a see a for sale sign house and viewing 2 weeks ago and then revealed they had actually been there twice and had made an offer. The house is amazing 5 mins walk from the children’s schools etc far far better than any rental place we have seen.

Parents suggest a cash purchase. They buy it outright but want all of my savings and then I pay them an income for 10 years or if I can raise a mortgage to pay them off ie I raise a mortgage for £50 K or pay them £500 a month for 100 months - then they gift me the house. It is brought in their sole name. If they die I inherit the house - it’s a gift.

From their side - this is their entire money savings hence wanting my savings and monthly payments - but over 5-10 years they will actually be gifting a huge proportion of money to me. They want me to be liable for all bills, insurance, council tax etc and the savings I gift them 50 K -should I stop paying the £500 a month agreement and they aren’t able to get me out of the house if gives them security . They suggest buying it solely in their names on the deeds but I will give them my £50k savings although they will put it like £400 K into the house. An agreement in place, not the sell the house until youngest is 18. 10 years so a ten year plan . We are not moving from here for many reasons. Including father of my children is local.

They initially said I could put in my £50 K and they would put my name on the deeds but they changed that this evening. I’ve told them I can’t gift them my entire savings - what happens if they don’t gift me the house, or they don’t agree with my lifestyle or whatever - I’ve given it away.

They point out at paying them £500 a month should I want I could reduce the time from 10 years to 5 or even 3. The other way to look at it is renting is £17 000 a year minimum - so I’d lose more than that renting over 5 years. Ie pay x3 the rent with no hope of a percentage ownership.

From my side - I am responsible for all mantainence on the house but it’s not in my name - I said no to this. I’ve invested all my savings. This worries me. Parents want it that if they chose they could sell but would have to give me my money back. But the roof is in good repair as is the boiler and house is it good condition. I can’t move but this would be my forever dream home.

The kids are all settled in local outstanding schools etc and I have no desire to move - they need make that clear we want to live here parents are 70 odd but fit and healthy.

I know with his dad - dads brothers situation where he agreed to buy the son a house and son was going to pay them £1000 - he stopped paying his uncle and tNeither want to screw the other over but we do want to protect ourselves

In 3 years finances will be in a position where I could raise the 50 K mortgage needed at that point I could buy them out and I would aim to do it ASAP just in case they did need care etc so we would have it written it that as soon as I raise the 50 K the house is mine to avoid any issues.

There isn’t much trust not because of them or me. Dads brother bought a house for son and rented it to them to get the money back they stopped paying the rent and this meant dads brother was locked in a legal battle to either evict son or give up the house

The only that they would see first (holiday £100 K a year they have enough other assests to pay for their care if they need it. The 50 k really to ensure I am paying it and committed and giving them an income.

On one occasion they were going to gift me the house. But they are worried about income. On another they were happy for me to put my money in (much smaller % of the total cost) and then put it in joint names. Now it is theirs and I gift them my savings and pay rent but get given the house a few years down the line.

I’m so confused. We want to do them right thing.

OP posts:
Iamaperiwinkle · 29/03/2021 19:23

@alreadytaken

So they woke you at 6 a.m and by 6.30 you had left the house with your children without talking through, like an adult, why they wouldnt work for you. And you already have bumps and scabs from stress and they've told you there is a sold sign up when they dont wish to talk to you. I'm out.
I have an autoimmune disease the stress of this has been going on for months- they said back in December maybe helping with rent and then paying rent for 2 years but that was stressful before this. If this was a wind up or a troll post - this is my fucking life. This going on for a week, and yes they had been ringing me to discuss things at 1 am prior to this and I’m expected to pick up abs talk. so yes I’m sorry my personal health is suffering and yes my weight is dropping and fast because stress with my medical condition is not good.

I’m on steroids and I’m vulnerable etc medically. I have multiple EpipensEtc shall I post my meds on here. I have serious physical conditions that were diagnosed 7 years ago. My mum has the same disease. I can tell you some medical conditions do not respond well to stress. My last severe bout of stress made me drop to under 6 stone and I was in hospital so actually I don’t care what you think. My head is covered in huge raised bumps and I have had to use my Epipen twice in the last two weeks and every time I have to do that I go to hospital and they tweak the dose of steroids.

OP posts:
Iamaperiwinkle · 29/03/2021 19:25

@SinisterBumFacedCat

Please don’t let your children anywhere near these manipulative fuckers.
Like most people in destructive relationships we love them. Or think we do. My dad has had major heart problems and says he is going to have a heart attack this week and it will be my fault. Nothing like a guilt trip.
OP posts:
bewilderedhedgehog · 29/03/2021 19:31

Am sorry you have all this stress. However, I think at least you found out in advance. It did look as if this was possible - obviously I don't know them but they are not treating you like an adult and their behaviour is extremely manipulative. Am sure they will be back with another approach - I wouldn't be tempted to discuss it with them - this is all about control.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 29/03/2021 19:33

This is not love. I am sorry but on their part they might think they love you but it’s power and control that they love. You owe them nothing OP. You have nothing to feel guilty about. If your dad has a heart attack this week then maybe he should be treating other people better rather than working himself up.

Honestly I think they were up to something with this house, they wanted to add it to their property empire and now they are pissed off because you said no to them. If they had needles care or had died with the house in their name you could have been made homeless or saddled with a hefty tax debt. Ian so angry on your behalf OP.

KerplunkingAway · 29/03/2021 19:44

@alreadytaken

So they woke you at 6 a.m and by 6.30 you had left the house with your children without talking through, like an adult, why they wouldnt work for you. And you already have bumps and scabs from stress and they've told you there is a sold sign up when they dont wish to talk to you. I'm out.
"And you already have bumps and scabs from stress"

Yes. No experience of it? I have. You can go from nothing to a literal bloody mess overnight.

I had an argument with DH at 11.30pm once and then stress alone triggered itching so severe all over scalp and body that I was throwing myself at the walls trying to scratch it, running up and down the hall at 3am scratching like a mad animal, bright red and covered in lumps because I had no antihistamines in. I don't even need an epipen and don't have any severe allergies, just minor ones. Stress is a trigger for some people, even one incident of stress.

Plus this, have you any idea how much tiny head wounds from scratching bleed and water. Then it dries and they itch like hell.

What do I expect though, this site is full of people who think they know better about shit they don't have than those that do.

Iamaperiwinkle · 29/03/2021 19:50

I take strong antihistamines daily and have done for years. A flare up can require multiple Epipens - one normally isn’t enough. A year ago I had 6 Epipens in 7 days and was on hospital- this was just after they took me off steroids. I’m now back on steroids probably for life but at least long term and that puts me as ECV. My parents know this. My mum had the same disease but doesn’t have to use Epipens - and believe me Epipens are like gold dust here - I had to plead for some when I moved here. As we only ‘give 1’ or possibly 2. Now they insist I have at least 2 and back up at any one time.

I keep watching and checking my phone waiting for any contact from them and I know there will not be one. They won’t talk to me again now.

OP posts:
WisnaeMe · 29/03/2021 19:51

OP is there anyone who can support you emotionally and mentally 🌺

Iamaperiwinkle · 29/03/2021 19:56

@WisnaeMe

OP is there anyone who can support you emotionally and mentally 🌺
I’m not alone I have my children and friends. But at the moment I’m constantly watching phone wanting them to ring and say sorry. It’s not going to happen though.
OP posts:
Iamaperiwinkle · 29/03/2021 19:57

Eldest sent them a text at 5 pm saying ‘my mum has told me what has happened can I talk to you please’ eldest is 14 - no reply to it yet

OP posts:
Iamaperiwinkle · 29/03/2021 19:58

@SinisterBumFacedCat

This is not love. I am sorry but on their part they might think they love you but it’s power and control that they love. You owe them nothing OP. You have nothing to feel guilty about. If your dad has a heart attack this week then maybe he should be treating other people better rather than working himself up.

Honestly I think they were up to something with this house, they wanted to add it to their property empire and now they are pissed off because you said no to them. If they had needles care or had died with the house in their name you could have been made homeless or saddled with a hefty tax debt. Ian so angry on your behalf OP.

I don’t think they ever intended to buy it really they wanted an excuse to pull out an I gave them one.
OP posts:
WisnaeMe · 29/03/2021 20:38

@Iamaperiwinkle

Eldest sent them a text at 5 pm saying ‘my mum has told me what has happened can I talk to you please’ eldest is 14 - no reply to it yet

sounds like you have great supportive kids @Iamaperiwinkle 🌺

Anniegetyourgun · 29/03/2021 21:02

Ha! He ain't going to have a (genuine) heart attack. You need a heart for that.

Feedingthebirds1 · 29/03/2021 21:29

My dad has had major heart problems and says he is going to have a heart attack this week and it will be my fault. Nothing like a guilt trip.

Then kick any feeling of guilt you might have right into touch. He's almost certainly not going to have one, but IF he does, it is ENTIRELY his own fault (and your mother's). They've screwed you over royally and enjoyed doing it so sod him. Does HE care that you're such a mental and physical wreck as a result of their behaviour? Does he hell.

Please go NC or very LC. Don't let them do this to you again. They're parents only in the biological sense, not in any true or loving sense and they don't deserve love in return.

JustLyra · 29/03/2021 21:33

Like most people in destructive relationships we love them. Or think we do. My dad has had major heart problems and says he is going to have a heart attack this week and it will be my fault. Nothing like a guilt trip.

@Iamaperiwinkle A (fake) health scare is classic in abusive relationships when the abusers are losing control.

Please be very careful with your DD. She might be mature and wise, but she’s a child and they are manipulative abusers.

CovidCorvid · 29/03/2021 23:24

My mum used to pull the “I’m dying of cancer” card for years and years with no diagnosis. It’s definitely a way of trying to punish you, reel you back in.

The best thing you could do is block them on your phone.

Have you been to the Stately Homes thread on the relationships board?

billy1966 · 29/03/2021 23:36

OP,
I mean it kindly but your parents sound truly awful.

Your 14 year old should not be trying to negotiate with them.

Your child needs protecting from them, not placed in the middle of this.

She is a child.
This is not her place to be.

This will be causing her terrible stress even if she denys it.

Flowers
caringcarer · 30/03/2021 00:53

This is a bad idea. If they want to gift you some money there should be no strings attached. You have the option to move to a cheaper part of the country and buy on your own.

WisnaeMe · 30/03/2021 01:32

@caringcarer

This is a bad idea. If they want to gift you some money there should be no strings attached. You have the option to move to a cheaper part of the country and buy on your own.

OP is way way beyond this now.

waitingpatientlyforspring · 30/03/2021 02:06

The only sensible ways are:

for you not to put your savings in but pay them a fairer market rent;

you pay reduced rent but cover day to day maintenance with an agreement to cover larger bills between you/they pay;

You buy together and have your name on deeds with your 20% ownership and pay rent to them for their share;

As above but the 'rent' is an agreed loan over X number of years whereby you buy a certain percentage of the home.

A Pp suggested that they would be left with no income once you had paid for property- @ £500 a month for £400,000 investment it would take you 66+ years to pay them back.

I think long term you paying back a loan in, instalments ie every 5 years you buy 10% of the house back off them then if they die before you own the house in full its gifted to you but if they end up needing the house proceeds for care or another reason you own a fair amount to be able to start again.

WisnaeMe · 30/03/2021 02:21

Read OP's updates, her parents have terminated all contact 🌸

Iamaperiwinkle · 30/03/2021 02:24

Eldest is thinking of blocking them - I am too. We have most of our things now and we can just NC etc but we moved here for them 5 months ago and now we are settled - we are screwed. I have a job here now and they have schools etc we are fucked. I rely on them for childcare. What a mess. My mum told me yesterday that I’m on my own with children and everything although they will let the eldest live Monday to Friday with no contact from me. What can I say it’s 2.20 am and I’m awake and I can’t sleep etc it’s just miserable. I want to just crawl into a hole and die. I’m seriously fucked and the narrative is ‘we offered you a free house and you threw it in our faces’ to the children

OP posts:
Rollmopsrule · 30/03/2021 02:56

I'm sorry your going through this Op. The narrative they've created somehow serves a purpose for them. It's so messed up but you know the truth and so do your children and friends. Due to their awful behaviour they are the ones that will lose out in the long run because of the damage it has done.

Your not fucked Op. Yes it is a mess atm but you have a job, your kids and friends. I would not communicate at all with your parents for the time being and would certainly not agree to any of your children staying over after the way they have behaved. Give yourself some space from them and take some time to clear your head. There will be a solution and it will be ok. Flowers

WisnaeMe · 30/03/2021 04:24

OO do not allow your Child to live with them Monday to Friday and block your contact with the Child.

You can make alternative arrangements please try to see beyond what they provide and withdraw and arrange child are elsewhere, you CAN do this. You know you can.

Block them on everything and think positive beyond their control, and just remember, how lucky you are to have seen this behaviour NOW, instead of living in a house THEY owned in their Name and having your 50k Savings and Salary going into their bank account. Screw them and their vile controlling bullying nasty tactics.

OP you can do this 🌺

KihoBebiluPute · 30/03/2021 05:00

I agree your 14yo should not be going to stay with them. Children need to be protected from manipulative batshittery. I know your kids love their grandparents and won't immediately understand just how unreasonable your parents are being. You don't need your kids to understand the details of why their plans for controlling your finances were crazy. They just need to understand that their wellbeing is your first priority and that the disagreement stems from you not wanting to risk their long term wellbeing by going along with plans that put their grandparents wants as more important.

You don't need them for childcare. Being immersed in this toxic web of emotional control isn't 'care' anyw

HamFisted · 30/03/2021 06:01

I think NC is the way here, OP. If you can't afford a three bed right now, could you get a two bed and sleep on a futon in the living room yourself?

How old are the DC? Your 14 year old doesn't need childcare, I presume?

Swipe left for the next trending thread