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AIBU?

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Parents buying a house for me? Should I be more grateful? Why am I so concerned?

583 replies

Iamaperiwinkle · 25/03/2021 01:07

This may be long. I will also change some details so it is not outing.

Over the years parents have offered to help buy a house but wanted to say where it was, know my full finances etc and I declined. I’ve not had a great 20 years financially and nearly lost a house recently due to divorce etc But 20 years have now passed. We have now moved local. Currently renting from a friend who has sold it - so we will need to vacate in 6-10 weeks, possibly 12-16 weeks. . I have some equity from a house sale. I can not afford much of a mortgage due to various reasons. So buying is not an option.

To rent a tiny 3 bed house here is £1500 or even more a month minimum, my salary is not even double that. So we were looking at moving further away again. My parents took me a see a for sale sign house and viewing 2 weeks ago and then revealed they had actually been there twice and had made an offer. The house is amazing 5 mins walk from the children’s schools etc far far better than any rental place we have seen.

Parents suggest a cash purchase. They buy it outright but want all of my savings and then I pay them an income for 10 years or if I can raise a mortgage to pay them off ie I raise a mortgage for £50 K or pay them £500 a month for 100 months - then they gift me the house. It is brought in their sole name. If they die I inherit the house - it’s a gift.

From their side - this is their entire money savings hence wanting my savings and monthly payments - but over 5-10 years they will actually be gifting a huge proportion of money to me. They want me to be liable for all bills, insurance, council tax etc and the savings I gift them 50 K -should I stop paying the £500 a month agreement and they aren’t able to get me out of the house if gives them security . They suggest buying it solely in their names on the deeds but I will give them my £50k savings although they will put it like £400 K into the house. An agreement in place, not the sell the house until youngest is 18. 10 years so a ten year plan . We are not moving from here for many reasons. Including father of my children is local.

They initially said I could put in my £50 K and they would put my name on the deeds but they changed that this evening. I’ve told them I can’t gift them my entire savings - what happens if they don’t gift me the house, or they don’t agree with my lifestyle or whatever - I’ve given it away.

They point out at paying them £500 a month should I want I could reduce the time from 10 years to 5 or even 3. The other way to look at it is renting is £17 000 a year minimum - so I’d lose more than that renting over 5 years. Ie pay x3 the rent with no hope of a percentage ownership.

From my side - I am responsible for all mantainence on the house but it’s not in my name - I said no to this. I’ve invested all my savings. This worries me. Parents want it that if they chose they could sell but would have to give me my money back. But the roof is in good repair as is the boiler and house is it good condition. I can’t move but this would be my forever dream home.

The kids are all settled in local outstanding schools etc and I have no desire to move - they need make that clear we want to live here parents are 70 odd but fit and healthy.

I know with his dad - dads brothers situation where he agreed to buy the son a house and son was going to pay them £1000 - he stopped paying his uncle and tNeither want to screw the other over but we do want to protect ourselves

In 3 years finances will be in a position where I could raise the 50 K mortgage needed at that point I could buy them out and I would aim to do it ASAP just in case they did need care etc so we would have it written it that as soon as I raise the 50 K the house is mine to avoid any issues.

There isn’t much trust not because of them or me. Dads brother bought a house for son and rented it to them to get the money back they stopped paying the rent and this meant dads brother was locked in a legal battle to either evict son or give up the house

The only that they would see first (holiday £100 K a year they have enough other assests to pay for their care if they need it. The 50 k really to ensure I am paying it and committed and giving them an income.

On one occasion they were going to gift me the house. But they are worried about income. On another they were happy for me to put my money in (much smaller % of the total cost) and then put it in joint names. Now it is theirs and I gift them my savings and pay rent but get given the house a few years down the line.

I’m so confused. We want to do them right thing.

OP posts:
YoniAndGuy · 29/03/2021 13:41

They are unhinged, is the answer.

They have a need to control you that is utterly obsessive. They just can't accept that you're the adult, the mother of the children, the grown up.

They hate that, they want to go back to when they were the grown ups and all the 'things' happening in their immediate family were controlled by them and were their choices. That makes them feel secure and in charge.

Some parents are like this.

Mostly, it's not both at once, so it's diluted/kept in check by the normal parent.

Very occasionally you get both who are like this and they make one another worse. When you're not there, together, they live in that past - talk of you as a child, completely refuse to live in the present.

Worse if you're an only
Worse again if you don't have a partner - that also allows them to still see you as the child, alone, they're the grown up pair and you're the kiddy.

Your reply would be well to be along the lines of setting this out for them, and ending - yes, it probably is for the best if we never see one another again, if this is how you are going to continue to be. You can't be grandparents to my child whilst treating me like this. You need help, together - you are both becoming increasingly bizarre in your attempts to control me. You need joint counselling to accept that you are colluding with one another to live in a very strange fantasy world where I'm still a child and it just can't carry on.

Throw it back to them.

Merryoldgoat · 29/03/2021 13:43

At least you now know OP - they are nasty controlling and unreasonable.

Just stay away from them and don't even discuss anything like this with them again.

If you want to give something as a gift then it should be given freely and without the utterly bonkers conditions that they have put on you.

WisnaeMe · 29/03/2021 13:45

@backinthebox

I pay my salary into their bank account and then they take out rent, bills etc and then give me what I need.

My jaw is on the floor!

I agree, it has to be one of the most shocking things Ive read in recent days 🌸

SinisterBumFacedCat · 29/03/2021 14:04

Been there’s Op. my DM did the same to me last year, only it was an offer of cash from an inheritance that dwindled from half, to some, to 2%, to FA, despite the fact that we have literally parented her since she lost her husband. I think she gets pleasure now from going on about how much money she wants to give away to charity (but never actually does). I know exactly who she is and although I remain in contact I will NEVER trust her again. Your family sound similar right down to the early morning change of heart, they want fucking up your day to be literally the first thing they do. They are manipulative narcissists. It’s awful, it’s not the way we would behave, I am sure if you or I had their millions, the security of our kids would be our first priority, not trying to make a quick buck out of them and controlling them. Move away. You are free.

Anniegetyourgun · 29/03/2021 14:16

Dirty trick dangling the beautiful house over your head like that. I wonder whether the offer they have apparently withdrawn was ever actually made... Anyway, at least you did have some inkling that it was never going to be that easy, so hopefully your disappointment won't last too long. It's really infuriating that they could do this for you but won't. I suppose that's how they got fairly rich though - you don't get it by giving it away. Nasty feckers.

To be fair to them, though, they do seem to have somehow raised a decent daughter. Heaven knows how.

Bluetrews25 · 29/03/2021 14:33

You'll be glad it's off in time.
Parents like this will think that they own you for doing you this favour, and will expect you to run around after them and provide full care for them for years. It may be subconscious, it may not. But they would have felt that they owned you and you owed them.
Nothing would be too much trouble for you in their eyes.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 29/03/2021 14:37

*Mostly, it's not both at once, so it's diluted/kept in check by the normal parent.

Very occasionally you get both who are like this and they make one another worse. When you're not there, together, they live in that past - talk of you as a child, completely refuse to live in the present.*

This is a great point. Despite all their riches they must be miserable together. What a horrible place their marriage must be to be.

PurpleMustang · 29/03/2021 15:38

Christ what is with them that they wasn't happy with what the solicitors said. Sounds like they do want control of your life/money if they want to control your salary! That is just utter madness. Thank goodness you had the sense to literally walk away.

MagicalThinking · 29/03/2021 16:14

Your parents sound batshit OP. Mine gave me some money to buy a house. They offered £x thousand and that was as involved as they got aside from wanting to know when they needed to transfer the money to the solicitors.

billy1966 · 29/03/2021 16:33

I think you will quickly come to the conclusion this was a blessing.

Your parents are poisonous to behave like this.

Help with such strings attached is all about control.

The price is too high.
Keep your independence and distance.
Flowers

CarefulNoww · 29/03/2021 16:39

Wow. Are they generally controlling people? Why are they trying to tie you to them?

Feedingthebirds1 · 29/03/2021 17:08

I pay my salary into their bank account and then they take out rent, bills etc and then give me what I need.

And I bet it's not you, OP, who would get to decide what you 'need'. They'd keep as much in their account as they possibly could, and you'd find that you were on the cheapest shampoo, £50 a year (if that) for clothes, etc because according to them you won't 'need' anything else. Especially a holiday.

Iamaperiwinkle · 29/03/2021 17:53

I have briefly seen my mum who told me my eldest is welcome to stay with them Monday to Friday for school - provided I don’t contact them or visit during this time.

I have told eldest what has happened and they are livid and angry with them.

I can’t eat or sleep right now. Bumped into them in Tesco (I popped in once I picked the children up from school) My father didn’t look at me and my mother said a brief hello to the children and then wished us a nice drive back to friends house.

So I guess that’s it - for the moment, I’ve lost large chunks of hair and there are large bumps and scabs all over my head - I think this is just stress.

Yes they do have form for doing this. There is history there and yet each time I think they will be different.

It is all blamed on me now. I didn’t accept their apology and pleading and I must now choose ‘whatever crap life I want for the children’.

They have informed me that the house sold this morning to another buyer. So gone and there is a sold sign up.

OP posts:
JustLyra · 29/03/2021 17:55

@Iamaperiwinkle

I have briefly seen my mum who told me my eldest is welcome to stay with them Monday to Friday for school - provided I don’t contact them or visit during this time.

I have told eldest what has happened and they are livid and angry with them.

I can’t eat or sleep right now. Bumped into them in Tesco (I popped in once I picked the children up from school) My father didn’t look at me and my mother said a brief hello to the children and then wished us a nice drive back to friends house.

So I guess that’s it - for the moment, I’ve lost large chunks of hair and there are large bumps and scabs all over my head - I think this is just stress.

Yes they do have form for doing this. There is history there and yet each time I think they will be different.

It is all blamed on me now. I didn’t accept their apology and pleading and I must now choose ‘whatever crap life I want for the children’.

They have informed me that the house sold this morning to another buyer. So gone and there is a sold sign up.

Your mother wants your child to live with them the majority of the time and you to have no contact with her?

That very sinister. Can’t help wonder how much maintenance they’d expect you to pay them for that... They wouldn’t be getting near my kids again for a very long time, and never ever unsupervised.

They don’t have you or your children’s best interests at heart.

JustLyra · 29/03/2021 17:57

They have informed me that the house sold this morning to another buyer. So gone and there is a sold sign up.

So they withdrew their supposed offer on Saturday (or this morning if not open) and by 6pm there’s been an offer, negotiations, acceptance and time to put up a sold board?

They’re at it @Iamaperiwinkle

DuesToTheDirt · 29/03/2021 17:58

I know a lot has moved on since your original post OP, but one thing that stood out to me from that was that they chose the house, without consulting you. If someone is buying a house for you, or contributing to one, surely you should be the one choosing it. Confused

Stratfordplace · 29/03/2021 18:23

What absolute scoundrels they are to say they had bought you a house and then withdrawn their offer.

I would completely disown them and tell them to enjoy their money and the rest of their life but will be going no contact with them from now on. I wouldn’t let them see my children either. I say this as someone with a very abusive, emotionally controlling mother who has never given me a penny. In fact the opposite, she is nothing but a taker who has been dividing and ruling all her life.

CovidCorvid · 29/03/2021 18:29

Do you need your eldest to stay with them? I really think you need to protect your child from them? Not only do you not want your child to think this is normal/acceptable you don’t want the risk they will be constantly criticising you to your child.

I went NC with my mum because as Dd got older my mum started the sort of behaviour she’d always done with me towards Dd. Controlling, lying, belittling, gaslighting. I wouldn’t tolerate it. Couldn’t risk Dd being fucked up.

They’re lying about the sold board, takes days if not weeks.

WisnaeMe · 29/03/2021 18:32

OP don't allow then to cut you off.

Walk away and take YOUR kids with you my lovely.

Im still stunned at the cruelty of your parents. Horrible nasty fuckers, I seriously would never let my children near manipulating scum like that 🌺

Im heart sorry for your situation OP 🌸

AgentJohnson · 29/03/2021 18:41

Your update was not a huge surprise and I think you knew this all along.

For your own sanity you need to let go of the people you want them to be and accept the people they are.

RandomMess · 29/03/2021 18:54

They sound toxic.

Hugs Thanks

alreadytaken · 29/03/2021 19:03

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MollyButton · 29/03/2021 19:14

Do not let your child stay with them all week - it would give them a chance to go for residency. (Nevermind enable them to tell your child you didn't want them.)

Newestname001 · 29/03/2021 19:18

@MollyButton

Do not let your child stay with them all week - it would give them a chance to go for residency. (Nevermind enable them to tell your child you didn't want them.)

Yes - I was coming back to say this.^ ^. Take care, OP. 🌹

SinisterBumFacedCat · 29/03/2021 19:21

Please don’t let your children anywhere near these manipulative fuckers.