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Parents buying a house for me? Should I be more grateful? Why am I so concerned?

583 replies

Iamaperiwinkle · 25/03/2021 01:07

This may be long. I will also change some details so it is not outing.

Over the years parents have offered to help buy a house but wanted to say where it was, know my full finances etc and I declined. I’ve not had a great 20 years financially and nearly lost a house recently due to divorce etc But 20 years have now passed. We have now moved local. Currently renting from a friend who has sold it - so we will need to vacate in 6-10 weeks, possibly 12-16 weeks. . I have some equity from a house sale. I can not afford much of a mortgage due to various reasons. So buying is not an option.

To rent a tiny 3 bed house here is £1500 or even more a month minimum, my salary is not even double that. So we were looking at moving further away again. My parents took me a see a for sale sign house and viewing 2 weeks ago and then revealed they had actually been there twice and had made an offer. The house is amazing 5 mins walk from the children’s schools etc far far better than any rental place we have seen.

Parents suggest a cash purchase. They buy it outright but want all of my savings and then I pay them an income for 10 years or if I can raise a mortgage to pay them off ie I raise a mortgage for £50 K or pay them £500 a month for 100 months - then they gift me the house. It is brought in their sole name. If they die I inherit the house - it’s a gift.

From their side - this is their entire money savings hence wanting my savings and monthly payments - but over 5-10 years they will actually be gifting a huge proportion of money to me. They want me to be liable for all bills, insurance, council tax etc and the savings I gift them 50 K -should I stop paying the £500 a month agreement and they aren’t able to get me out of the house if gives them security . They suggest buying it solely in their names on the deeds but I will give them my £50k savings although they will put it like £400 K into the house. An agreement in place, not the sell the house until youngest is 18. 10 years so a ten year plan . We are not moving from here for many reasons. Including father of my children is local.

They initially said I could put in my £50 K and they would put my name on the deeds but they changed that this evening. I’ve told them I can’t gift them my entire savings - what happens if they don’t gift me the house, or they don’t agree with my lifestyle or whatever - I’ve given it away.

They point out at paying them £500 a month should I want I could reduce the time from 10 years to 5 or even 3. The other way to look at it is renting is £17 000 a year minimum - so I’d lose more than that renting over 5 years. Ie pay x3 the rent with no hope of a percentage ownership.

From my side - I am responsible for all mantainence on the house but it’s not in my name - I said no to this. I’ve invested all my savings. This worries me. Parents want it that if they chose they could sell but would have to give me my money back. But the roof is in good repair as is the boiler and house is it good condition. I can’t move but this would be my forever dream home.

The kids are all settled in local outstanding schools etc and I have no desire to move - they need make that clear we want to live here parents are 70 odd but fit and healthy.

I know with his dad - dads brothers situation where he agreed to buy the son a house and son was going to pay them £1000 - he stopped paying his uncle and tNeither want to screw the other over but we do want to protect ourselves

In 3 years finances will be in a position where I could raise the 50 K mortgage needed at that point I could buy them out and I would aim to do it ASAP just in case they did need care etc so we would have it written it that as soon as I raise the 50 K the house is mine to avoid any issues.

There isn’t much trust not because of them or me. Dads brother bought a house for son and rented it to them to get the money back they stopped paying the rent and this meant dads brother was locked in a legal battle to either evict son or give up the house

The only that they would see first (holiday £100 K a year they have enough other assests to pay for their care if they need it. The 50 k really to ensure I am paying it and committed and giving them an income.

On one occasion they were going to gift me the house. But they are worried about income. On another they were happy for me to put my money in (much smaller % of the total cost) and then put it in joint names. Now it is theirs and I gift them my savings and pay rent but get given the house a few years down the line.

I’m so confused. We want to do them right thing.

OP posts:
HamFisted · 26/03/2021 19:20

[quote alreadytaken]@HamFisted - apt name. Based on knowing the advantages of being in the property market and just how much of a financial benefit the parents are passing on. Only a fool would refuse.[/quote]
Or someone with experience of being financially beholden to relatives.

I hadn't read that they'd changed their minds about her being on the deeds though. That does change things.

HelpDrivingquestions · 26/03/2021 20:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YoniAndGuy · 27/03/2021 12:06

In your sole name, no conditions, is completely different.

But you need it to be 100% watertight on the deprivation of assets front.

A house that you alone OWN outright can always be sold if they play silly buggers and start trying to be controlling 'It's our house really' - err right if you think like that, it's going on the market and I'll be moving further away.

alreadytaken · 27/03/2021 15:04

Exactly - own name on what is effectively a very cheap mortgage and they can sell and move any time they please. That is not "controlling", it's an exceptionally generous gift and suggesting anything else is a reflection of the commentators issues, not the truth.

ceilingsand · 27/03/2021 15:11

I think if you both consult a lawyer, which you have, and make sure the contract reflects both of your concerns and interests, there shouldn't be a problem. There is nothing else to say, really.

Iamaperiwinkle · 29/03/2021 11:03

Right, an update. I'm not a troll. I promise.

I was right to be concerned. They moved the goal posts all week -with buying in my name, joint names and other agreements and changed their minds daily. They then woke me up in the early hours of Saturday morning (before 6am) (was staying there Friday night for weekends -yes I can single parents and bubble) and said they were still worried but came up with a 'solution' they buy in their name / or mine again up for discussion and I pay my salary into their bank account and then they take out rent, bills etc and then give me what I need.

I threw my hands up and said no. no no. And then it really kicked off. They were crying and telling me they would just gift it to me or whatever and not to go. I left and returned to my friend's house with the kids at 6.30am.

They won't talk to me now and say I have ruined their lives -as they had agreed to buy a house for me. My father told me this morning he never wants to see me again -ever.

So it turns out I was right to be worried. My sense were there. So back to square one. They have contacted the agent and withdrawn the offer etc. No house for me. Thought it was too good to be true!!

I feel numb. They have past form for this -but I allowed myself to believe them this time.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 29/03/2021 11:07

I pay my salary into their bank account and then they take out rent, bills etc and then give me what I need

In what world would anyone think that was ok?

billy1966 · 29/03/2021 11:08

Oh you poor woman.

They sound horrific.

Now you know at least.

It sounds so controlling, potentially financially abusive and bullying.

I'm so sorry.Flowers

MotherofTerriers · 29/03/2021 11:16

I'm so sorry OP, to get your hopes up and then change their minds was cruel
I hope you can find yourself somewhere decent, you have enough savings for a deposit. Could you buy if you moved further away?

notapizzaeater · 29/03/2021 11:24

They sound mad. It's like they'd be giving you pocket money! Run fast

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 29/03/2021 11:29

Sounds like they still think you're 10 years old and they want total control of your finances.

Winter2020 · 29/03/2021 11:35

Sounds like they want to own you to be honest.

You have 50k in savings and you must have a good income if you were going to pay 1k each month in rent/loan. You can afford to buy - not this 500k house no - but a nice property somewhere more affordable.

WisnaeMe · 29/03/2021 11:47

Good lord OP what manipulative controlling cretins they are 😱

you will find somewhere OP and free of constraints 🌺

Poolbridge · 29/03/2021 11:48

You have made a lucky escape @Iamaperiwinkle. On what planet they could possibly think it was ok that they receive your salary and pay your bills and give you any left over?!

Your parents come across as a little insane. I’m so sorry they have put you through this Flowers

Newestname001 · 29/03/2021 11:48

So - time to stop believing them in anything, and strike out on your own.

Take another look at the types of properties available in your area or further out if necessary, to get more for your money. There will be compromises for you and your children regarding what you can afford, but at least it will be a home you own and have control over, rather than them having their hands in your pockets and trying to control your life. Good luck OP. 🌹

WisnaeMe · 29/03/2021 11:50

they are lashing out in fury because whatever plan they had has fallen flat on its face, and failed.

utterly bizarre OP.

I hope you're feel okay 🌺

RandomMess · 29/03/2021 11:51

A lucky escape indeed, how sad for you though after those few weeks of thinking that you had a secure tenancy if nothing else!

Lochmorlich · 29/03/2021 11:52

That is truly outrageous and bordering on illegal as well as morally reprehensible.
I'm so sorry for you op.
Move to a more affordable area and bring up your dc as an independent and strong woman.

Lochmorlich · 29/03/2021 11:56

Meant to add the most disappointing aspect is their lack of trust in your ability to be an adult and make sensible decisions.
My dc would rightly tell me to f off if I tried to pull stunts like this.

KihoBebiluPute · 29/03/2021 13:10

Oh my goodness that is an outrageous way to treat ones adult offspring. You are not an irresponsible teenager. They have no right to be the slightest bit upset at you refusing to be financially controlled by them. Its a shame that you don't have reasonable, supportive and caring parents but instead ones that want to manipulate and dominate you, but it is what it is and you can't fix people. You will be happier with your independence and self-respect intact. Don't count on any inheritance from them whatsoever. In the absence of being able to control you via this house purchase their next tactic will be to threaten disinheriting you if you don't do what they want, so you'll need to be ok with that. That's ok though - you are strong and capable and don't need their dubious support when it comes with so many unwanted strings attached.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 29/03/2021 13:33

Oh, how very upsetting.

They sound like total drama queens who don't ever think anything through. Rash, dramatic and not very sensitive.

Great idea! Buy House! Bask in gratitude of daughter and feel delighted with ourselves!
Have a bit of a panic about what we have committed too - think up mad schemes... Work ourselves up into how grateful our dd should be and because of our GRAND gesture she should be happy to put all her money in our bank account....

Oh, Dd doesn't agree! Deploy nuclear option, Never shall she darken our door again! Woe is US! Our lives are ruined because we aren't going to buy our beloved Dd a house,...

Stay clear of this mad circus.

I daresay they will calm down in due course.

MrsRockAndRoll · 29/03/2021 13:36

Thank goodness you are not vulnerable have fallen for this swindle.

Thanks to you for all this stress

CovidCorvid · 29/03/2021 13:38

Wow, they sound a bit bonkers to be honest. I’m sorry.

backinthebox · 29/03/2021 13:39

I pay my salary into their bank account and then they take out rent, bills etc and then give me what I need.

My jaw is on the floor!

CovidCorvid · 29/03/2021 13:40

The “not wanting to see you again ever” is their way of punishing you. Sulk central.

Have they pulled this trick before?

My mum used to do it all the time. My advice is don’t go running back to them begging to be allowed in their lives. Let them sweat, let them make the first move. If they’re anything like my mum they will never apologise for their behaviour though, they will always see you as the unreasonable one.