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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you’ve been harassed, assaulted, abused, or raped or in any way by men?

271 replies

TrialOfStyle · 24/03/2021 20:50

YANBU - you have been (in ways described below or beyond)
YABU - you have not been (in ways described below or beyond)

It’s just a quick show of hands, really, as I know some people are skeptical of the recent polls.

Obviously it’s entirely up to you to define this but harassment I would consider anything from (but not limited to) catcalling, unwanted comments (in virtue of your looks/body/attractiveness (yes, being told to smile) femininity, negative parenting as a mother and not just as a parent, or in some way negative biology of woman), stalking, persistence when you’ve already said no.

Assault - physic or verbal.

Abuse - emotional, physical, mental or sexual

Rape - including (but I consented to x but he did y)

I have had everything from the above (which is why my list includes it, but I certainly have miss r so things. However I’d be interested in the poll to see the responses).

Ps - before it’s ask, I’m clearly not a journalist or someone being toady (go ahead and advance search). I’m just curious to see how to polls align.

OP posts:
Welliesandpyjamas · 25/03/2021 18:05

YANBU

toconclude · 25/03/2021 18:11

@warmandtoasty2day

i have but i'm not discussing it on here too many hairy hand types
THIS
speakout · 25/03/2021 18:25

I agree-please don't outline abusive acts.

Like may I have been subject to many.

This is a public forum.
Disclosure of details provides fodder..

Signalbox · 25/03/2021 18:29

It must be a hell of a lot of men who abuse women and girls. It isn't just one per town is it, otherwise that one person would be attacking women every single day of his life. The sheer numbers do not add up for it only to be a tiny percentage of men

I think it adds up. If someone is predatory in nature they are probably be continuously active if they don't get caught. That's an awful lot of women over a life time. Look at Predators like Saville or Worboys and how many 100s of women's lives they will have affected. If you are groped by a man in a bar, the chances are that this man is a serial groper. He will be doing this week in week out, and these kind of "low level" assaults rarely get reported (because what's the point they will never be convicted) so he will keep doing it.

MostTacticalNameChange · 25/03/2021 18:30

Starting about age 8. Everything up to partner rape.

What lingers, especially from my teenage years is how strong the general consensus was that we should be grateful for the attention. So I only used to count the nasty ones as negative...the fat bitch/slag/cunt insults. The nice tits comments and the aggressive come-ons, the gropes from strangers and the boyfriends who just wouldn't stop made me feel disgusting and violated BUT I was taught to think these were reflections on my value- that a man wants me is to be celebrated. I didn't realise at the time that all these actions were not expressions of romantic lust and appreciation, they were criminal acts of entitlement, force and power.

LucieStar · 25/03/2021 18:31

Look at Predators like Saville or Worboys and how many 100s of women's lives they will have affected.

I watched a documentary about Worboys last night. I wished I hadn't. I don't think I'll ever get in a taxi alone again.

Signalbox · 25/03/2021 18:53

I watched a documentary about Worboys last night. I wished I hadn't. I don't think I'll ever get in a taxi alone again

It was quite incredible how close he was to being released. How can someone like that ever not be a threat to the public?

LucieStar · 25/03/2021 19:07

@Signalbox

I watched a documentary about Worboys last night. I wished I hadn't. I don't think I'll ever get in a taxi alone again

It was quite incredible how close he was to being released. How can someone like that ever not be a threat to the public?

I know - I was so shocked that the parole board didn't have the full information about all of his offences. Extremely risky guy. I'm not sure he'll ever convince a parole board he's suitable for release. Let's hope not anyway.

supercatlady · 25/03/2021 19:10

I seemed to spend most of my young teenage years (age 14+) dodging gropes from boyfriends, or being brow beaten to just do x,y or z.
Does that count?

BewareTheBeardedDragon · 25/03/2021 19:11

Yup

Frequency · 25/03/2021 19:13

Yes. More often than I care to remember in terms of inappropriate comments/cat calling. It started when I was a young teen, long, long before I reached the age of consent Angry

Sexually assaulted at 14 too. On a bus. A packed bus. No-one helped me. They all looked away. Not a single adult on that bus thought to tell the grown ass man to stop grabbing my tits and trying to put his hands down my pants even after I told him very loudly that I was 14 and not interested.

LunaMuffinTop · 25/03/2021 19:17

I have but I don’t feel comfortable discussing my childhood experience on here.

jessstan2 · 25/03/2021 19:21

Yes to all your questions, more than once. Also had two stalkers, first one when I was 13, second I was an adult at work.

(I'm glad this site is anonymous, nobody knows me personally.)

mybodyistempura · 25/03/2021 19:26

Those who aren't reporting, why?

My friend reported the first assault to the police, the guy got a mild telling off. This seemed unfair but normal for that era. The same man assaulted a family member 10 years later, but she didn't want to report it. If she had they would see the previous assault and action would have been taken I'm sure. Instead he's just free to do it again ( and he will) twice in 10 years is all I know of, it'll be more.

Reporting is so important. As much as I hate to say this, you have an unfortunate responsibility to do so.

Frequency · 25/03/2021 19:31

I never reported any of mine because I didn't know the man's name and thought I would not be taken seriously as I was a child and brought up to believe this is just what men do and women have to be grateful for it (thanks mum Hmm ) or in one case because I did know the man's name and my father would have literally murdered him. He had 2 young children (including a daughter) who I used to babysit for and didn't want to be responsible for them loosing their father.

I would 100% report now and did so when it happened to my DD who has been taught it is not something women should be grateful for or tolerate.

jessstan2 · 25/03/2021 19:33

In my case, the things happened so many years ago and at that time nobody cared or even took much notice of what happened to young girls/woman, especially those who put themselves 'out there'. There would have been no point in reporting anything, I would not have been believed and probably blamed.

tsmainsqueeze · 25/03/2021 19:39

Yes , constant attention from around 13 , lots of older men , seemed to think you were fair game if you had big breasts .
Someone mentioned earlier that it was such common place the memories don't stand out , this was mainly my experience too.
Catcalls , curb crawled , followed , groped by strangers , main negative male experiences though were from boyfriends -won't share details.
I was confident and unaffected at the time ,but age and hindsight highlights how unacceptable our experiences were /are.
I want to bubble wrap my daughter .

speakout · 25/03/2021 19:41

jessstan2
In my case, the things happened so many years ago and at that time nobody cared or even took much notice of what happened to young girls/woman, especially those who put themselves 'out there'. There would have been no point in reporting anything, I would not have been believed and probably blamed.

I agree.

I was sexually assualted at neighbours New years party when I was 12. My mother was there- I told her, she told me to keep quiet- " no one wants to spoil a party". My first job at 18, assaulted in the locker room on my first day by a manager-not violent, but he feltt he had the right, and I was a new start on the first day in a much wanted job- who would even believe me.
And again to being "raped" by my husband. Wasn't even a crime until 2003- who would be interested???

How couldI report these things???

Nameitychangity · 25/03/2021 19:42

Yanbu

Older 'second cousin' showed me his very erect penis when I was about 6 years old.
Owner of newspaper shop where I did a paper round used to show me pornographic / extremely explicit pictures of genitals, I think to see how I would react and get off on it, when I was about 11 -12 years old.
Was babysitting with my best friend when I was about 15, her brother in law whom we were babysitting for stuck his hand down my dress and inside my bra.
Groped several times (breasts) on the dancefloor at various discos.
The usual catcalls and comments from 'workies' or passing males in the street.

It's actually made me pretty angry typing that out.

HairboStrawb · 25/03/2021 19:48

I have never had any experience of any of these things. No one would want to whistle at me or shout things at me. I've been in the same relationship since I was 15.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 25/03/2021 19:49

Ages ago, but a bloke sitting opposite me on a train tried to chat me up. I didn’t want to be chatted up, so I pretended to nod off. ‘Woke up’ as the train was pulling into my station to find the bloke wanking - it went all over my new shoes. 🤮
He only had one leg.

Obviously a hideous shock, but TBH I was madder about having to chuck my new shoes out than anything.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 25/03/2021 20:07

@mybodyistempura

Those who aren't reporting, why? My friend reported the first assault to the police, the guy got a mild telling off. This seemed unfair but normal for that era. The same man assaulted a family member 10 years later, but she didn't want to report it. If she had they would see the previous assault and action would have been taken I'm sure. Instead he's just free to do it again ( and he will) twice in 10 years is all I know of, it'll be more.

Reporting is so important. As much as I hate to say this, you have an unfortunate responsibility to do so.

Because for the majority of the incidents I was under 18 years old. Because it was made to be my fault anyways. Because I was never supported or encouraged to do so.

Now? I honestly don't know. It depends what state I'd be in after. I have very little faith in the justice system and I've seen,heard and read how victims are treated. They don't have a "responsibility " to report, especially if in doing so it only endanger them emotionally,mentally or physically.

When the justice system stops putting victims under scrutiny and treating them like they're the criminal , only then I'd expect women to report more. But even then I wouldn't see it as their responsibility.

jessstan2 · 25/03/2021 20:20

@speakout

*jessstan2 In my case, the things happened so many years ago and at that time nobody cared or even took much notice of what happened to young girls/woman, especially those who put themselves 'out there'. There would have been no point in reporting anything, I would not have been believed and probably blamed.*

I agree.

I was sexually assualted at neighbours New years party when I was 12. My mother was there- I told her, she told me to keep quiet- " no one wants to spoil a party". My first job at 18, assaulted in the locker room on my first day by a manager-not violent, but he feltt he had the right, and I was a new start on the first day in a much wanted job- who would even believe me.
And again to being "raped" by my husband. Wasn't even a crime until 2003- who would be interested???

How couldI report these things???

You have my sympathy.

Back in the day, if someone was sexually assaulted it had to a case of being dragged into bushes and violently attacked for anyone in authority to take any notice.

Signalbox · 25/03/2021 20:25

Ages ago, but a bloke sitting opposite me on a train tried to chat me up. I didn’t want to be chatted up, so I pretended to nod off. ‘Woke up’ as the train was pulling into my station to find the bloke wanking - it went all over my new shoes

I once encountered a wanking man on a train. I reported to BTP and to train company. BTP said that it’s not uncommon and the men that do this tend to be repeat offenders. But cctv was shit so nothing could be done on this occasion. Train company said that they can’t help what their customers get up to and refused to enter into a discussion when I suggested things they could change. Nobody gives a shit.

speakout · 25/03/2021 20:29

jessstan2

Thank you- it feels good to be understood, and I extend my support to you too.