To wonder if giving up the booze was really worth it?

[SnafuButGreyNow]

Last summer I stopped drinking. I'd been drinking too much and too regularly, was feeling crappy most days, etc etc, so I cut it out completely. I had two glasses of champagne on Christmas Day but apart from that, nada.

But...I'm not convinced it was worth it! I've lost no weight, my skin isn't clearer, my eyes aren't brighter, I don't really have any more energy. Ok, I don't wake up with a hangover any longer but due to a chronic pain issue I still need painkillers most mornings so I don't feel as if I've gained 'freedom' much there.

DH still has a couple of glasses of wine most days and tbh I miss sharing a bottle with him whilst we cook dinner. Summer is approaching and I feel a bit sad that I won't be mixing up the Aperol Spritz or making a lovely g&t with lots of ice and cucumber, or opening a fridge-cold bottle of Picpoul.

I find it hard to moderate and I don't like 'mocktails'. Alcohol-free 'booze' mainly tastes crappy. Part of me just thinks, fuck it, why bother, just drink if you want to. And to be really honest, whilst I completely understand the ridiculousness of our cultural obsession with equating drinking with having a good time, I do feel a bit boring and puritanical when I'm not drinking .

So AIBU to think, meh, what was the point?

How did you manage to stick to a couple of glasses of champagne at Xmas? Can you not use the same mindset that you used then?

I think I was busy doing lunch etc so it didn't bother me as much. And perhaps it was still a bit of a novelty to not drink, iyswim, so easier to stick to? Whereas now I'm bored of not drinking. God I sound like a child.

That's interesting @Chanjer! Do you still drink now? Are you ok with it or do you regret starting again?

I don't regret it at all. When I was younger I had terrible self control and was basically an aspiring alcoholic. I started drinking again after an extended period off (15+ years) and told myself that if I wavered i would be straight back off it.

I'm not drinking much or often at all really during lockdown but prior to plague I would vary between having a beer daily with a meal through to not drinking much and getting a bit pissed once a fortnight or once a month.

My main regret was waiting as long as I did although I reckon when I look around me at my friends who've never had years off that it did me some favours

I experimented with wine and spirits but find them too strong for me to enjoy responsibly. I definitely have a point where all sense goes out the window and with beer or cider I find them pretty self limiting, there's only so much of it I want to drink or I feel like I'm gonna float off, so it's rare that I get that drunk with "soft" booze

@SnafuButGreyNow

But I realised I swapped booze for snacking so not surprising really

Sadly I discovered over lockdown that I have a genuine talent for making incredibly rich and gooey chocolate brownies...with that and the bloody perimenopause I have no chance of losing any weight just by giving up wine!

What ever decision you choose - well done for your sobriety - be proud of that.

However whats likely happened here is that your body is craving the carb/sugar lost from the alcohol and you have replaced it with sugar from brownies.

This happens to lots of people and then it is no surprise that there are no benefits to weight and skin (sugar is a shocker for aging) - and also really not great for mood stabilising either. Before going back to drink maybe take this opportunity to reduce your sugar intake for a month or so and see if that helps.

I was going to ask your age as for me wine (especially red) did something dreadful to me after 40 physiologically - the hangovers were grim - less headache - but more bad mood.

My teens didnt need an even grumpier Mum 24/7 and I didnt need to feel like that just for the fleeting pleasure of 2 glasses of wine the night before. I also know that even if my mood s only dipped by 2% - I actually really need that 2% in peri-meno.

Drinking wine at home also opened the floodgates to evening snacking and then hunger the next morning - alongside lowered mood and zero motivation to exercise I ballooned.

As PP said ask why you stopped and be well aware that its a slippery slope once you start again. I have stopped and started over the years and I was always, disappointedly, within 6 months back to 'just 2 glasses a night' which is half a bottle and 35 units a week. Far, far too much.

So I have stopped "for now'

My personal observation is that wine at home is where my issue is....drinking it like tea!

So I am not ruling out a few vodka and tonics at the pub or a SINGLE glass of wine with dinner in a restaurant......

Also why now for you has this come up? I am wondering if the end of lockdown and the sub conscious social anxiety of re emergence makes you feel that you need a drink to cope socially. The answer might be yes which s good to acknowedge and then you have a choice once you are aware of your triggers and physche of how you want to respond to that - indulge it? block it? manage it?

Also maybe, ask your family and friends if they have noticed anything about you physically or mood wise since you have been sober.

I detect a bit of fantasising (summer and cold white wine) and resentment emotion that you 'cant' have it etc. Pay attention to both of those things as they could undo you and both are slightly distorted and antagonstic distorted thinking that could case internal tension until you 'snap'.

This is an interesting thread. I'm a bit the same op, I have never given up for as long as you but when I've done things like dry Jan I've been surprised by how much I do actually miss drinking. Life does feel a bit flat and bleak and I do feel more socially awkward and self conscious. The only real benefit I see is feeling virtuous about my long term health because alcohol doesn't really have negative impacts on my life at the moment and I genuinely enjoy it. But I do know I would be healthier if I drank less. It's ultimately a question of how much good health is worth. On one level everything of course, but not on every level. Death still comes to the most virtuous after all. I dunno.

I'd be interested to hear what you decide.

I havent drank personally in 11 years, it didn't agree with me , I became a very not nice person when I drank and theres a history of alcoholism in my family. I've never regretted it and at this stage I would never drink again. From your post though it sounds more like you've an issue with moderation in general rather than the drink. Instead of wine its cakes and if it wasnt either it would be something else. Maybe this is the issue you truly need to tackle.

@Bluntness100

Honestly that doesn’t sound too much to me. One or two small glasses four or five nights a week and maybe a bottle at the weekend. Yes it’s over the guidelines, but it’s not that excessive in reality. Can you maybe knock the during the week drinking on the head and just a sat night or something?

But it is when op also said this:

relying on a glass of wine (or three) every evening to mark the transition from work to home, etc.

So it's not one or two small glasses, it's 3 glasses probably more often than not. And when someone says a small glass, I question that to be honest as a small glass to one person is big to another, or vice versa. You need to be looking at ml's here, not amount of glasses. Being over the guidelines is still bad as well.

The fact that she was relying on it speaks volumes. You should never be relying on anything to make yourself feel better, that's when addiction starts. Whether that's alcohol, smoking, chocolate, cheese, whatever it is, it's an unhealthy habit. She is craving it, it's a hard stage to go through, but given how she was before if she gives in now, that's probably it. Back to drinking 3 glasses a night forever probably, with more at the weekend.

I think there's more people with an unhealthy addiction to alcohol than people realise, but because they aren't passed out on a park bench holding a bottle in their hands, it's OK. But it isn't. It's exactly the same as other addictions, and it is bloody hard to get over them. But we do it for our benefit, however much I'd like to scoff a big bar of chocolate every night.

You've all given me lots to think about, especially @Sssloou's last post.

I'm not going to have a drink tonight, I know that at least.

I’d recommend having a read of sober girl society or the joy of being sober.

I also think OP that you need to be really really open and honest with yourself about the consequences of your drinking.

Write them all out to look at square in the face.

Dont minimise or romanticise.

How many units did you drink on a your worst week?

What happened, how did you feel, what did you think?

What was an average week?

What is your definition of being unable to moderate for you personally?

What would good moderation look like for you personally?

Are there trigger situations - people, places, situations, type of drink, amount of drink that put you at risk of losing moderation?

If you have stopped and started before - what were the patterns - why did you stop? How was it? What started you drinking again? How long was it until you got back to unmoderating levels etc.

Not asking you to share any of this - but to be honest to yourself.

For me its wine at home - (specifically not with a meal) and if have the 2nd glass I will have the 3rd - whereas if I stopped at 1 glass would feel fine.....but with wine the unfinished bottle is always there - preoccupying me!

I'm never sure about the idea that "if you rely on something to feel better it's unhealthy". Maybe it is but what's the alternative? Just feeling shit? I sort of feel that humans have been using intoxication to take the edge of consciousness since we have had consciousness. It does serve a purpose. The question is whether it is doing more harm than good.

Also I only skimmed parts of your OP and I just realised it seems your husband isn’t great at moderating either, tbh, if he’s having a couple of glasses every night. So I wouldn’t rely on him being able to help you to moderate.

Might be best to leave it a bit longer and see how you go.

Maybe get yourself some nice tonics for now and have those on ice with cucumber/lime/lemon/orange/etc and herbs/aromatics plus a dash or two of angostura bitters. I never feel deprived when I have that, as I do on days where I don’t drink and still fancy something nice to chill and relax with.

Nanny State alcohol-free beer is good enough to drink and actually enjoy, as well.

I hated the "quit lit" - so preachy and puritanical - actually made me want to drink just to not be like them - I know childish.😂

@longestlurkerever

I'm never sure about the idea that "if you rely on something to feel better it's unhealthy". Maybe it is but what's the alternative? Just feeling shit? I sort of feel that humans have been using intoxication to take the edge of consciousness since we have had consciousness. It does serve a purpose. The question is whether it is doing more harm than good.

No the alternative is to learn healthy coping habits.

Indulge, comfort and distract yourself in other ways that ENHANCE your well-being.

Self care - get in loads of home spa / beauty treatments,
or get out for a walk, try sport, yoga, hobbies, talk to or meet a friend.

As PP has said - need to replace the time and emotions previously given to drinking to another activity - which IN TIME will be fulfillng. It feels boring and tedious at first as your mind and body is still craving.

If there are unresolved personal issues tackle them once and for all with therapy or online resources etc.

The intoxicated brain does not process issues or emotions and processing issues is critical to allow us to move positively and productively into the future. Its a depressant and peoples perception becomes increasingly negative, distorted and bitter which is counterproductive to relieving stress.

You mention drinking with your DH a lot. Is THAT what's drawing you back, do you think? The thought that summer's coming, and you won't have those long evenings in the garden with your DH, polishing off 3 bottles of white wine?

I gave up booze but my DH didn't. Now I feel a bit judgey when he drinks, plus resentful at how much it costs.

I work with a woman who drinks a LOT with her DH. Every evening, at least 2 bottles. She started like you but it got worse. Now her hands shake at work, she's constantly mentioning booze, brings mini bottles of wine into work, and is always late because she's hungover. She never does anything in the evenings except drink. Her DC hate it. She's so funny and loads of fun, but I wouldn't swap my life with hers at all. She's an alcoholic now.

@ThatOtherPoster, yes, nail on head. I miss having G&Ts with DH in the garden, going out for dinner where we order cocktails and a second bottle, going away for the weekend and having a bottle of champagne in the room when we arrive, or just drinking a glass or two in the kitchen together while dinner is cooking. It's not the whole experience but it's a fun part of it.

I also now feel a bit judgey when he drinks and that makes me annoyed with myself. I feel as if I've become dull and a little sanctimonious.

@SnafuButGreyNow -- I've ordered a bottle of that Sentia stuff mentioned upthread. I think it sounds like the perfect solution (literally). Relaxing and sociable, but not addictive or hangover-inducing.

I can definitely still have fun with my DH without drinking. Or even if he drinks and I don't. I'm probably more fun sober, as I don't get mood swings, say bitchy stuff, take jokes too far, or take stuff personally. Wine makes me insane - I'm fine for the first glass or two, but then I start hating DH for anything he's ever done wrong in the 10 years I've known him.

You're probably not like that! But I like going out with him, sober. I feel more elegant, somehow. It's actually COOLER not to drink, but still be fun, than it is to be drunk. You're cooler now. You just are. There's a calmness, a blissful peace, to sober people that drunk people (for all their chattiness) can't touch.

I'm similar snafu. I had few dry months and was surprised that it did not improve my sleep, skin, my mind, my weight, etc., and I also miss the nice times associated with having a drink. What I noticed is that, fed up, I returned to my normal old habit and within days I felt worse. My intention is to just have the nice times, like you describe above, but to stop drinking regularly/daily/weekly.

[quote ThatOtherPoster]@SnafuButGreyNow -- I've ordered a bottle of that Sentia stuff mentioned upthread. I think it sounds like the perfect solution (literally). Relaxing and sociable, but not addictive or hangover-inducing.

I can definitely still have fun with my DH without drinking. Or even if he drinks and I don't. I'm probably more fun sober, as I don't get mood swings, say bitchy stuff, take jokes too far, or take stuff personally. Wine makes me insane - I'm fine for the first glass or two, but then I start hating DH for anything he's ever done wrong in the 10 years I've known him.

You're probably not like that! But I like going out with him, sober. I feel more elegant, somehow. It's actually COOLER not to drink, but still be fun, than it is to be drunk. You're cooler now. You just are. There's a calmness, a blissful peace, to sober people that drunk people (for all their chattiness) can't touch.[/quote]
But then there's the judgyness that comes from sober people that I can never sit comfortably with - the need for them to share their superiority yet get offended if someone calls them boring or doesn't invite them for a night out - the thing is the preachy superiority is boring, so it's best left at home because - it is definitely not fun or cool!

I sort of get the ssslou. It sounds good in theory and I do like swimming and running and so on which are relatively new additions to my life. But they don't quite fulfill the same function of that social lubricant, lazy luxury that the OP misses and that I've missed too when I've had longer AF spells. And some life shit is just unresolvable. I get the dilemma the OP faces and I don't see it as having a wholly straightforward answer.

We don’t drink in the working week unless a week night out which isn’t that frequent - have wine with dinner and the odd beer at weekend. Your tolerance goes down if you don’t drink everyday we found anyway.

@longestlurkerever

I sort of get the ssslou. It sounds good in theory and I do like swimming and running and so on which are relatively new additions to my life. But they don't quite fulfill the same function of that social lubricant, lazy luxury that the OP misses and that I've missed too when I've had longer AF spells. And some life shit is just unresolvable. I get the dilemma the OP faces and I don't see it as having a wholly straightforward answer.

Exactly!!!

I have never understood how people think having a 'lovely spa bath', for example can ever be the same as having a drink, in this case.

Doing those alternatives always depends on a lot of other things being in place like, the bath is clean, the heating has been on for a couple of hours becasue the bathroom is freezing, someone else is sorting out kids/tea/shopping/housework etc etc

If I'm pissed off and tired and I know a glass of wine will make me feel better in the next 5 minutes, then that's what I am going to choose.

Drinking has an emotional meaning for you. You are missing the feelings that you associate with drinking probably more than you are actually missing the alcohol. Drinking might have been a reward, an excuse to relax or a chance to let your hair down perhaps.
What emotional role did drinking play in your life?

I stopped drinking years ago as it aggravates my hiatus hernia. It took a while to adjust as there is a strong culture of socialising and relaxing with alcohol in the U.K. I work in the City and drinking after work was often a way to mark the end of a day or a week.

I like Seedlip with tonic as an alternative if I want to relax with a drink in the evenings.

I’ve been pregnant for 7 months so off the booze. I can’t see any drastically positive changes at all! I HAVE found that knowing there’s a glass of cold white wine waiting at the end of a stressful day- particularly in lockdown/ homeschooling made it all the harder. I can’t wait to be back on the wine. I save nicer bottles for the weekend normally OP and try not to drink during week but as said, if had an awful day I’d have a glass wine/ G&T. I just stuck to a doctor friends’ advice to try to have 3 days in a row of not drinking. X

I could have written your post Snafu. I have given up alcohol for a year in the past and didn't lose any weight, my insomnia didn't improve and my mood gradually got worse and worse. I missed the unbridled joy that a lovely drink brings, the relaxing feeling and the living in the moment feeling.

I did all the wellness/self love stuff - I never had so many baths with essential oils/ walks/meditation. None of it worked anywhere near as well as a glass of wine unfortunately.

I always do dry January and that leads into February and then I think I will carry on to Easter which I can do no problem. Things went a little awry with lockdown, but have got back to moderation again.

I don't know what the answer is - maybe more than a year is needed to really feel the benefits? Just my musings.

There’s nothing wrong with a glass of wine! Moderation is key. As in all aspects of life!