Inheritance issues - part 2. AKA: Is FIL being manipulated and ripped off?

[ThornAmongstRoses]

This thread is for those who helped me on my previous thread about my FIL upping sticks, handing his a big chunk off his money over to his daughter to ultimately live in her garden. Sorry but I don’t know how to link to my previous thread.

The update from what happened last night when we confronted FIL with our concerns:

“And it turns out that SIL is 14 weeks pregnant.

Apparently when she and her partner first suggested the Cabin idea 6 months or so ago and FIL declined and said he was happy to buy somewhere so he wouldn’t be under their feet, she told him not to be silly as the arrangement would work out really well for all involved as she and her partner were hoping to have more children in the future but that they wouldn’t be able to unless they had a bigger house anyway. SIL then told him how much it would mean to her and how wonderful it would be for FIL to be around to watch new grandchildren be born and see them grow up, liked he’d been around when DB (my husband) had had his children. FIL then agreed that it would be really nice to be around for early days and from then onwards, and agreed it was something he would happy be to look into.

Anyway, it looks like SIL took that as him being board and to cut a long story short, she told FIL she was pregnant about 3 months ago but told him not to tell anyone as it was such early days (her prerogative so that’s fine). Anyhow, it appears that is why FIL put his house up for sale and sold it quickly so the new house could be bought in time for the baby’s arrival. Bit strange really seeing as the baby generally stays with the parents in their room for a good 6 months or so, but that’s the story FIL gave. Stinks of manipulation to me but FIL is clearly happy with what’s happened and he does seem excited about the idea of being around for the new baby.

We asked him what would become of the Cabin if he passed away and he said that wasn’t his problem (with a smile) and said that SIL and her partner could do whatever they liked with it.

He hasn’t looked into anything legal as he didn’t think it was necessary. We did advise it (and gave examples from this thread as reasons why he should) but he told us we are worrying unnecessarily. So that’s his choice to make.

We asked him about the time scale of him staying here which was slightly awkward but he promised us again he would only be here for a few months. We said that was unlikely and explained why (all the issues raised in this thread) but he said things would be moving along quickly and if there are any delays he would move out and rent somewhere near us until the cabin is built. I asked why he wasn’t going to rent over there to make sure he liked the area, but he said he wanted to spend as much time as he could with us before he moved away.

So yes, he seems to be going into this with an awareness of all the ins and outs and is happy to go along with it all, so that’s that. It’s all his decision and if he doesn’t take legal advice then that too is his choice.

We have told him we won’t be taking the offered £25k but thanked him for his offer. As has been said on this thread, he’s probably going to need a back-up fund.

FIL left about an hour ago and me and DH are off to bed now with a film as we feel drained. I just wanted to update you as I’ve had so much help and advice from you all.”

I had a PM this morning from a poster who had wanted to respond to my post last night but realised the thread was full so answered privately instead.

Anyhow - I just wanted to start a second thread as I’m sure others have lots of further advice based on my FIL’s revelation, and also because I doubt this is the end of the matter.

Me and DH struggled to sleep last night but we see it’s a done deal now and due to the pregnancy we know FIL isn’t going to back out the deal so now it’s a case of trying to get him to protect himself as best as he can.

@Bluetrews25

By saying 'no' you are no longer enabling SIL to swindle him out of a secure future. That is to be admired.

100% this

@cansu

I can't understand why your fil can't sell his house and buy another normal separate property close to the sil. It would cause much less stress and upset than this cabin plan.

Because Skegness daughter wants money from him to buy a bigger house. If he buys or rents in Skegness there is no need for his daughter to move to a bigger place. That’s why he has been sold a nonsense of a cabin, which of course will never happen once she has a larger house.

If he tells them he is going to buy or rent there instead of a cabin that would show just how much they really want him close to them!

The new house will need a big garden and friendly neighbours.
www.logcabinhub.com/log-cabin-planning-permission-uk/

I'm curious about the conversation with the sister

Your DH has done the right thing saying his dad can't stay for ten months. It's too long and too much of an imposition. If he's going to continue with this foolhardy plan, he needs to rent somewhere in the interim. And yes, really he should pull out of the house sale.

What's the ten month delay all about?

What else is he lying about, let me guess ...everything

@ThornAmongstRoses

DH has told FIL that he can’t move in. We know it was the right decision to make but we both feel really shit about it.

Well done.

Of course you feel dreadful, because you are nice people who want to help. But you would not be helping your FIL by going along with this plan, he is absolutely being taken advantage of by his daughter and someone needs to stop it before it's too late. If she was a different kind of person with a different DP then maybe this scheme could have a chance of working, but she isn't and it doesn't.

Sorry you're feeling bad. If it's any comfort you are doing the right thing. Your FiL should be grateful because you are protecting him too from a potentially foolish decision, so if he's making you feel bad about it then I'm afraid that says something about him.

Well done OP and OP's husband. It all sounds very stressful but it would be worse if he were to move in with you for 10 months.

This way you are forcing him to stand on his own two feet. To not rely on you. We do this with young adult children sometimes. I think it will be better for him in the long run.

You say you feel shit and that’s understandable as you’re obviously both people pleasers. But be honest, do you not also feel like a weight has lifted?

Hopefully a solicitor can talk some sense into him.

This is one of those cases where doing the hard thing is also doing the right thing.

I can see that not letting DFIL move is short-term painful and upsetting, but you're definitely doing him and yourselves an enormous favour over the mid-long term.

It's worth it. You've nothing to feel bad about. Hope he can see that too in the end.

Well thank goodness that came out now and not after he'd moved in already!!

TEN months!! Jeez, 3 would have been bad enough, but that 10 would have turned into a year plus, easy. No way!!

I'm glad you and your DH have said No. I understand that you feel bad - but that's your conditioning, that you have to look after your family. You DON'T have to lay down and let them trample roughshod all over you, however - and you ARE looking after him by telling him to get proper legal advice and do the Right Thing, which would be to pull out of this sale NOW and wait until SIL has sorted her shit out, which she currently is very far from doing!!

Stay strong, @ThornAmongstRoses and Mr Thorn - this IS the best course of action. Short term pain for long term gain!

@ThornAmongstRoses

DH has told FIL that he can’t move in. We know it was the right decision to make but we both feel really shit about it.

This is a step or two in the right direction, OP. 3 months was, obviously, always unrealistic and 10 months even more so. Particularly as neither timeframe seems likely to be true.

I'm glad your FIL has been persuaded to take legal advice. Hopefully he'll then start to see, aided by a neutral professional, how foolish he's behaved up to now and make some more realistic decisions.

Stand firm both of you. You both sound like caring people who are trying to do your best. Now move forward from the position you are now in, to a place which benefits your FIL but doesn't disadvantage your own wellbeing. 🌹

Both his children arguing essentially over their inheritance, let's just cut the bull and say it as it is?

@SakuraEdenSwan1

Both his children arguing essentially over their inheritance, let's just cut the bull and say it as it is?

Yeah, sure, that's what anyone who hasn't understood the ramifications of the situation WOULD say.

Maybe you'd like to have the FIL move in with you for 10+ months?

@ThumbWitchesAbroad this all started over the son spitting his dummy out over being disinherited. Cutting his nose off to spite his face. This is his father, it is disgusting how money comes before everything. He has shown his true colours to his dad as has his sister. I hope he sells up and enjoys his money once his legal adviser has spoken to him. And yes I would let my parents stay but I don't have £ signs in my eyes!

@billy1966 has it spot on.

You shouldn't feel bad about telling your FIL he can't move in for a minimum of 10 months when it will involve so much disruption for you and it is his actions which are leading to him being homeless. No one moves house without knowing where they are going to live and camping out at your house is not an option when you don't agree with his reasons for moving and think he is being taken advantage of. Let your SIL sort him out and just back away. He is an adult and has said he knows what he is doing. Let him sort it out himself and just say you don't want to be involved. You will still see him a couple of times a week as before but if he sells the roof over his head he needs a plan of where he is going to live until this daft plan of a cabin in his daughters garden comes off.

I think you might have done the thing that saves him from himself, try and console your DH with that. You have also done absolutely the best thing for your sanity, your marriage and your family unit.
The tension and arguments that would have built up over that time between your DH, FIL and SIL would have become unbearable and as it became clearer and clearer that your FIL’s money was being leached away but there was no sign of any living accommodation appearing it could well have destroyed your marriage.
Also just thank god you can potter around in your PJs and eat chocolate and not have to be sociable every morning from the minute you open your eyes.

Yes, well I don't really care whether he sells up and spends all his money or gives it all to the SIL - and at this stage I doubt whether the OP does either - so long as they don't have to have FIL as a freeloading lodger trashing their lives for the next almost year, it will be a blessing!

FIL knew all along it would be far longer then 3 months and was banking on you and DH feeling too guilty to ask him to leave.

Very very manipulative. He has total disregard and respect for your feelings, your home, your children and your marriage.

Not a pleasant man

Well done OP, you and DH have stood up for yourselves and your family to this unkind and immoral man who wilfully deceives you and disrespects your family. Of course he should not be moving in with you for an extended period in this situation.

You can also support him best by not letting him move in with you and have already succeeded in getting him to listen to some legal advice to protect himself.
He should definitely rent in Skegness now so as to be helpful to DSIS in her pregnancy and so as to be there for the birth of the new GC.

He is not a nice man and he is not a good father. DH however is acting like a good son and a good father.

@SakuraEdenSwan1

Both his children arguing essentially over their inheritance, let's just cut the bull and say it as it is?

Rubbish. Op and her dh already turned down FILs money. Read the thread.

His 10 month figure is loosely based on SIL’s time figure in terms of when they think they can start looking for a house and all the processes that follow as apparently the promotion is going to take longer to go through. I don’t even know what that means but it’s what’s SIL has told FIL. To be honest, time frames don’t mean anything right now, she’s probably plucking numbers out of the air to try and appease everyone.

The general gist of DH’s SIL’s phone call was him asking we what kind of daughter was she to effectively see her dad be homeless for her own needs, and see him spend god knows how much in storage every month and rent every month for an indefinite amount of time - to which she said that it was me and DH causing him to have to pay rent every month by not allowing him to stay with us! DH told her if she was in any way decent she’d at least let him stay with them as soon as the new house was bought until the house until his Cabin was built. She said she’d think about it but her DP wouldn’t be happy about it. More arguing and accusations followed (on both sides) and DH was fuming by the time the phone was put down.

I really, really hope that when FIL gets legal advice it will make him realise exactly how much of a mess he’s got himself into and he’ll put a stop to it.