Inheritance issues - part 2. AKA: Is FIL being manipulated and ripped off?

[ThornAmongstRoses]

This thread is for those who helped me on my previous thread about my FIL upping sticks, handing his a big chunk off his money over to his daughter to ultimately live in her garden. Sorry but I don’t know how to link to my previous thread.

The update from what happened last night when we confronted FIL with our concerns:

“And it turns out that SIL is 14 weeks pregnant.

Apparently when she and her partner first suggested the Cabin idea 6 months or so ago and FIL declined and said he was happy to buy somewhere so he wouldn’t be under their feet, she told him not to be silly as the arrangement would work out really well for all involved as she and her partner were hoping to have more children in the future but that they wouldn’t be able to unless they had a bigger house anyway. SIL then told him how much it would mean to her and how wonderful it would be for FIL to be around to watch new grandchildren be born and see them grow up, liked he’d been around when DB (my husband) had had his children. FIL then agreed that it would be really nice to be around for early days and from then onwards, and agreed it was something he would happy be to look into.

Anyway, it looks like SIL took that as him being board and to cut a long story short, she told FIL she was pregnant about 3 months ago but told him not to tell anyone as it was such early days (her prerogative so that’s fine). Anyhow, it appears that is why FIL put his house up for sale and sold it quickly so the new house could be bought in time for the baby’s arrival. Bit strange really seeing as the baby generally stays with the parents in their room for a good 6 months or so, but that’s the story FIL gave. Stinks of manipulation to me but FIL is clearly happy with what’s happened and he does seem excited about the idea of being around for the new baby.

We asked him what would become of the Cabin if he passed away and he said that wasn’t his problem (with a smile) and said that SIL and her partner could do whatever they liked with it.

He hasn’t looked into anything legal as he didn’t think it was necessary. We did advise it (and gave examples from this thread as reasons why he should) but he told us we are worrying unnecessarily. So that’s his choice to make.

We asked him about the time scale of him staying here which was slightly awkward but he promised us again he would only be here for a few months. We said that was unlikely and explained why (all the issues raised in this thread) but he said things would be moving along quickly and if there are any delays he would move out and rent somewhere near us until the cabin is built. I asked why he wasn’t going to rent over there to make sure he liked the area, but he said he wanted to spend as much time as he could with us before he moved away.

So yes, he seems to be going into this with an awareness of all the ins and outs and is happy to go along with it all, so that’s that. It’s all his decision and if he doesn’t take legal advice then that too is his choice.

We have told him we won’t be taking the offered £25k but thanked him for his offer. As has been said on this thread, he’s probably going to need a back-up fund.

FIL left about an hour ago and me and DH are off to bed now with a film as we feel drained. I just wanted to update you as I’ve had so much help and advice from you all.”

I had a PM this morning from a poster who had wanted to respond to my post last night but realised the thread was full so answered privately instead.

Anyhow - I just wanted to start a second thread as I’m sure others have lots of further advice based on my FIL’s revelation, and also because I doubt this is the end of the matter.

Me and DH struggled to sleep last night but we see it’s a done deal now and due to the pregnancy we know FIL isn’t going to back out the deal so now it’s a case of trying to get him to protect himself as best as he can.

I've actually nc as what I'm going to say is pretty outrageous.
This stinks and is out of character fpr your FIL. Stinks of blackmail. Your SIL has had little to do with the family.

Do you think....deep breath... there was some abuse in the past and she is really blackmailing him? It's really not that rare. If not by him then someone he knew and could have stepped in to stop it/not been so blind.
This happened in my family (the abuse and convenient collective "forgetting" .

SIL is therefore going to let everyone know unless he "helps" them.

@diddl

"I know he would do the exact same thing for me if the tables were flipped and it was one of my parents who needed putting up. It’s so difficult when it comes to parents because it’s only natural to not want to hurt them"

He doesn't need putting up, he wants to be.

He doesn't care about how much he is hurting you, his son & his GC.

This.

It is not a need there's nothing happening at the end of the three months - everything will take much longer possibly never happen.

This is FIL wanting to save money and not seeming to care about impact on his sons's family.

It clearly going to end up in resentment on all sides and a much poorer realtionship long term and impact on OP children and a huge mental cost to OP. If as OP says SIL doen't like her she won't care about OP or her brother marriage being put under strain.

I supect though they'll have FIL and despite the plan for fixed three months they'll struggle to get him to leave.

I mean three months is just an arbitrary length of time isn't it?

All the rush sale of his house has achieved is that he can hand over the requested money to his daughter.

Now, she probably wants to get moved & settled asap.

But if it's dependent on the selling of her house, & a chain is involved, well, how long is a piece of string??

Then, when she is settled, arranging for a cabin on her property is another matter entirely.

How long might she not feel up to sorting that out?

Could you tell your FIL that one week a month he needs to stay somewhere else (like visit your SIL) so that you get a break and he can start to see what being with them will be like?

Op still have your free time for your self. Just because he's living with you doesn't mean you have to tend to him at all time. Binge on tv shows from your bedroom if need be.
I really think you should tell your fil you won't put him up just to see what alternative arrangement he makes, if sil will take him.

They have no intention of him living with them, he is going to live independently. She doesn't want to cook his supper etc. She wants cheap child care & a wodge of money. It ends there

I dont understand why he doesnt want to rent a house when SIL lives, that way he can bond with her kids and help her to house hunt.

Seems like he wants the comfort of living with you then going to the comfort of living with SIL.

I would suggest he doesnt move in with you but rents where SIL lives then he can get the ball rolling with his new life.

There will be some disaster (from SIL) and FIL will end up being with you for months.

I definitely think him living with you will not improve any of your relationships after the deception. and you can be the bad guy to tell him.
the resentment will come bubbling up when he's with you. just tell him you love him but you're too confused and unhappy and he can do his own thing, that you have to put your own marriage amd family first while things settle down in your head.

Before she chooses a house she needs to be certain that they will get permission for this chalet. that takes months alone
The whole thing is just nuts, has he got dementia ?

SIL won't be involved with the packing up of FIL's house.

The OP and her husband are going to be expected to sort out the house.

As he is planning on coming for many many months, he will need to bring quite a bit with him.

He will need to rent storage or is he going to ask for another room in this small house.
All the while not telling the OP and his son the truth.

It would make far more sense for him to downsize to a small property and store his belongings there.

Is there a risk that SIL will do a runner with the money? It sounds like there will inevitably be a period of time when FIL has contributed contributed her new/bigger home but the cabin isn't built. Couldn't she then just say there was an issue and he can't move in? It just all seems very weird. Why wouldn't she just get a house big enough to accommodate him or with a granny annexe? I certainly wouldn't be putting myself out or helping to fund it (unless FIL is paying keep then that is what you're doing by giving him an easy place to live rather than the cost and inconvenience of finding somewhere). Its also very sad that he is happy to just dump your DC off for a younger model

diddl

You have forgotten the bit about her getting a higher paying job whilst 3 months pregnant so they can get a bigger mortgage

@Mix56 that's why my head went to an extreme possibility. Is there something really weird going on here? Or am I being paranoid (I actually hope so)

I have read most of the threads and I feel you have been treated shabbily and I think you have been too nice so far about this.

First of all I think that your SIL was probably jealous of you and you family's relationship with FIL and this was also behind the approach to him.

I also think that their lack of direct contact to your husband tell loads about their motivations and I think your DH should have got straight on to her once he heard this - not easy but she needed serious addressing about it and not to be able to get away with stirring the issue and then staying in the background.

There is also a fair chance that the SIL instructed your dad not to say anything to you guys until the sale was well underway - ie as late as possible in the process.

And what is going to happen in the future when YOU want to meet up with FIL as you have regularly met him? Will you have to get permission from SIL to do so?

Also, what has happened to your husband's decision to tell FIL that he cannot now stay? Of course he is allowed change his mind but, by letting him stay, he is in a way agreeing to the situation.

Best of luck - I really feel for you guys.

One thing to add.
There is a possibility that the arrangement with FIL and SIL will go well and BIL will be a changed man (with all the additional money / assets as a comfort).

Even if that is the case their behaviour and lack of communication etc is just plain wrong and it will be very difficult for OP's DH and family to integrate with the others again.

So in addition to a financial slap in the teeth he is beginning the process of distancing from the OP's husband and family.

Op have you or your husband addressed the depreciation of the cabin vs possible appreciation of a bungalow value with FIL?

What will he do in old age with zero capital left? Is he that willing to be dependent on charity of his offspring including one he has a shaky relationship with (SIL) and one (DH) he had deceived, used and insulted?

Forgot to add the three months of May june and july is perfect timing to be living in Skegness weather wise and GC school holidays.

This is all going to end badly. You and DH will be having whispered angry exchanges once the first three months are up (it is so irritating having someone sitting in your lounge every evening). After the second three months either you or DH will move out.
Eventually FIL will run out of money and whoever is left in your current home will be in the position of chucking him out when he will be really homeless. (And you will be chucking him out, the alternative would be killing him).
The only winner will be SIL who you won't see for dust once she gets the money.

I agree with PPs who have said OP is now in danger of doing exactly as her FIL is doing. Waving away an absolute shed load of clear, practical advice which would halt or at least put the brakes on this car crash because 'aargh, what can we do, it's faaamily'.
A thread and a half and nothing has changed. FIL is still moving in and the car crash is gathering speed.
Best of luck, OP.

After reading through all the messages, I would be inclined to rescind your invitation of your FIL staying at your house - literally no one benefits. The timings don't work, nothing will have changed after 3 months. It is massively impacting on you and your DC and will have a shed load of money in the bank.

If you feel you cannot refuse him (although you absolutely can); you are absolutely entitled to say he HAS to go and see a solicitor to get legal / impartial advice.

*FIL will have a shed load of cash in the bank.

So in addition to a financial slap in the teeth he is beginning the process of distancing from the OP's husband and family.

This is at the root of it all, I suspect it is being driven by SIL but FIL is, seemingly, quite happy to go along with it and is being incredibly dismissive of his son who has raised reasonable questions and yet he expects his son to welcome him with open arms into his home for the time it takes for his plan to come to fruition. Happy to use his son and happy to deceive him and expects his son and family to be happy about it.

He didn't tell his son the truth when he sold the house and he's not told his son the truth about the reasons for the move and he's not telling his son the truth now.

What will your DH do if the new house and big garden never materialise?

Your FIL will be moving in and living with you and then when you kick him out you will be the evil ones making your FIL homeless.

You've not thought this through at all.

You were not involved in the plan to get your FIL to sell his house. He is an adult he has chosen to take the actions he has.

You should not be moving him in as then getting him out when the plans do not materialise will be neigh on impossible.

My uncle told my grandmother the house would be hers in all but name if she sold him the house, and she did, for pennies in comparison to how much it was actually worth, so in effect my dad got a couple of thousand for a house which is now worth over a million.
Then my grandma tried to move into our house, as on the day of completion my uncle changed the locks. She much preferred our house where we were fed regularly and she had her own room and everything was cleaned and she had to do nothing as we waited on her hand and foot. My dad for one of the very few in his life and told her as it was her decision to sell her home she would now spend her time living a month in each house (my uncle was furious).

Don't set the precedence of your FIL living in your house, find small rental for him, or suggest he rents near his daughter as he wants to spend time with her, why can't he start ASAP?

@tickboxes

I agree with PPs who have said OP is now in danger of doing exactly as her FIL is doing. Waving away an absolute shed load of clear, practical advice which would halt or at least put the brakes on this car crash because 'aargh, what can we do, it's faaamily'. A thread and a half and nothing has changed. FIL is still moving in and the car crash is gathering speed. Best of luck, OP.

This^

Grown adults making clearly irrational decisions because saying no to family isn’t nice.

Hi not sure if this has been mentioned as I have not read every thread, I know you have said the cabins take 6 weeks to build from ordering but we have been looking at getting a similar sized cabin and everywhere has a huge waiting list, quite a few told us they wouldn't be available for 2 years!

i would speak to the company and make sure 6 weeks is still definitely an option.