Inheritance issues - part 2. AKA: Is FIL being manipulated and ripped off?

[ThornAmongstRoses]

This thread is for those who helped me on my previous thread about my FIL upping sticks, handing his a big chunk off his money over to his daughter to ultimately live in her garden. Sorry but I don’t know how to link to my previous thread.

The update from what happened last night when we confronted FIL with our concerns:

“And it turns out that SIL is 14 weeks pregnant.

Apparently when she and her partner first suggested the Cabin idea 6 months or so ago and FIL declined and said he was happy to buy somewhere so he wouldn’t be under their feet, she told him not to be silly as the arrangement would work out really well for all involved as she and her partner were hoping to have more children in the future but that they wouldn’t be able to unless they had a bigger house anyway. SIL then told him how much it would mean to her and how wonderful it would be for FIL to be around to watch new grandchildren be born and see them grow up, liked he’d been around when DB (my husband) had had his children. FIL then agreed that it would be really nice to be around for early days and from then onwards, and agreed it was something he would happy be to look into.

Anyway, it looks like SIL took that as him being board and to cut a long story short, she told FIL she was pregnant about 3 months ago but told him not to tell anyone as it was such early days (her prerogative so that’s fine). Anyhow, it appears that is why FIL put his house up for sale and sold it quickly so the new house could be bought in time for the baby’s arrival. Bit strange really seeing as the baby generally stays with the parents in their room for a good 6 months or so, but that’s the story FIL gave. Stinks of manipulation to me but FIL is clearly happy with what’s happened and he does seem excited about the idea of being around for the new baby.

We asked him what would become of the Cabin if he passed away and he said that wasn’t his problem (with a smile) and said that SIL and her partner could do whatever they liked with it.

He hasn’t looked into anything legal as he didn’t think it was necessary. We did advise it (and gave examples from this thread as reasons why he should) but he told us we are worrying unnecessarily. So that’s his choice to make.

We asked him about the time scale of him staying here which was slightly awkward but he promised us again he would only be here for a few months. We said that was unlikely and explained why (all the issues raised in this thread) but he said things would be moving along quickly and if there are any delays he would move out and rent somewhere near us until the cabin is built. I asked why he wasn’t going to rent over there to make sure he liked the area, but he said he wanted to spend as much time as he could with us before he moved away.

So yes, he seems to be going into this with an awareness of all the ins and outs and is happy to go along with it all, so that’s that. It’s all his decision and if he doesn’t take legal advice then that too is his choice.

We have told him we won’t be taking the offered £25k but thanked him for his offer. As has been said on this thread, he’s probably going to need a back-up fund.

FIL left about an hour ago and me and DH are off to bed now with a film as we feel drained. I just wanted to update you as I’ve had so much help and advice from you all.”

I had a PM this morning from a poster who had wanted to respond to my post last night but realised the thread was full so answered privately instead.

Anyhow - I just wanted to start a second thread as I’m sure others have lots of further advice based on my FIL’s revelation, and also because I doubt this is the end of the matter.

Me and DH struggled to sleep last night but we see it’s a done deal now and due to the pregnancy we know FIL isn’t going to back out the deal so now it’s a case of trying to get him to protect himself as best as he can.

I'm not sure what's to gain by allowing him to move in for three months other than placing your own family under a lot of strain.

It is ok to say no to this and wouldn't make you a bad person. It's ok to say to no to it even if DH didn't agree as of course you should have right of veto.

FIL has behaved very badly here and in my opinion it would be much healthier for him to have to sort himself out in this respect.

Op, you are a better person than me.
He definitely would not be staying at my home.
I just hope that you and your dh’s marriage will still be intact because FIL is going to be there longer than three months

Hey @ThornAmongstRoses I really think you should reconsider having him to stay. The atmosphere is going to be awkward - as bad as you think, but then with this grey cloud over the top.

Plus, what happens when he’s given the $ away to SIL, but they don’t do anything, and he tells you he can’t afford to rent somewhere?

You have to make it hurt/cost NOW. This plan will be a lot hard to go through without you and your DH letting him stay, and this should be your gift to him (although he won’t see it that way). Putting up some roadblocks so the idiocy and expense of it becomes clear.

Otherwise I can see you housing him forever, because SIL got the money, spent it and he has none left. And you feel you can’t kick him out, as then it really is kicking out your FIL when it is homeless.

Tell him to use the £25,000 pound she was going to give you to find his 3 month (probably forever), stay somewhere.

Don’t let yourselves be part of the lunacy. You’ve done your bit, now let go, let God, and let him stay somewhere else.

Oh, so the reason he didn't tell you DH anything is because he would be devastated because FIL would move far away ... NOT because he would get mad at his sister for making her DF deprive himself of assets and security

OP, the only way you MIGHT be able to help him see the diffculties is by point-blank refusing to provide any accommodation at all. Tell him that there is no way that you will be assisting him deprive himself of his future. He has his views but you also have YOURS. You won't be helping your SIL getting a bigger house by asset stripping him and letting him in the meanwhile a) stay indefinitely in your house b) rent and deplete even more of his funds.

Tell him that in the end when SIL or her DP or the LA refuse to fulfill their promise or give planning permission he will be back to you forever and you can't deprive yoursel of work and living space because his daughter wants a bigger house at any cost. I am sure he can live on their sofa in the meanwhile. After all he is handing over to them a massive chunk of money to buy a house and what is their attitude effectively? "Oh, we need our privacy you can't stay here in the meanwhile, we only have 1 reception, you will be a burden on us"? We want your money AND our privacy so in the meanwhile piss off at DB's and Thorn's house?

I agreee that you shouldn't get any money from him as you will feel obligated to house him in the meanwhile thus assisting manipulative SIL.

I'd say no, he can't stay now. What does your DH think now? Don't put yourselves under strain for him, be there for him, but don't let him stay. Would you be willing to make him move out at a later date if he decides he doesn't want to?

If he does stay, carry on with your own lives and don't put yourselves out for him.

Yes, won't someone think of your children? 😇 (Sorry, couldn't resist.)

But it really isn't fair on them -or you- to have FIL entirely disrupt everything for three months (I'll eat my hat if it's only three months) then largely disappear to the other cousins.

Tough spot you're in. Take care of yourself.

Oh what a mess this whole thing is. If he would just get some legal advice that would make you and your DH feel a lot better I suspect.

@FollowYourOwnNorthStar

Hey *@ThornAmongstRoses* I really think you should reconsider having him to stay. The atmosphere is going to be awkward - as bad as you think, but then with this grey cloud over the top.

Plus, what happens when he’s given the $ away to SIL, but they don’t do anything, and he tells you he can’t afford to rent somewhere?

You have to make it hurt/cost NOW. This plan will be a lot hard to go through without you and your DH letting him stay, and this should be your gift to him (although he won’t see it that way). Putting up some roadblocks so the idiocy and expense of it becomes clear.

Otherwise I can see you housing him forever, because SIL got the money, spent it and he has none left. And you feel you can’t kick him out, as then it really is kicking out your FIL when it is homeless.

Tell him to use the £25,000 pound she was going to give you to find his 3 month (probably forever), stay somewhere.

Don’t let yourselves be part of the lunacy. You’ve done your bit, now let go, let God, and let him stay somewhere else.

The time it took me to write my post a better one was posted!

OP, listen to this pp! You are exhausted now, but you will be in for it if you don't make absolutely clear your position now.

A friend of mine had her partner's father living with them for a few months.

She said he was a pleasant enough person but didn't respect their personal space at all and always wanted to be where they were despite there being plenty of other rooms available.

They nearly split up as a result but fortunately for her the FIL decided to move out of his own accord. Perhaps he read the room but it was an almighty relief.

She would certainly never agree to sharing their home again for more than a few days.

I really don't think letting him stay for 3 months is a good idea. Nothing will have progressed in 3 months time (except SIL will be more pregnant) and once he is in your house, you may struggle to get him out. The best thing would be for him to have to find somewhere to live himself immediately, then it a) ceases to become your problem and b) gives everyone time to rethink this plan with no pressure.

He needs to rent somewhere in Skegness while the cabin plan goes ahead, if this is what he really wants to do. Staying with you for 3 months, even if it is only 3 months, is not fair on your kids and risks ruining what's left of your relationship. And it isn't even the best thing for him. If he wants to move to Skegness and live in a garden shed, he should move sooner so he can be involved in helping them choose the place they're all going to be living and help out with SIL's existing kids, so they can get to know him better before he moves into their garden.

Please don't let him move in, I fear you'll all regret it hugely. Even if it causes a massive argument now, better now than in 3 months when you also have the hassle of getting him out of your house to contend with.

Echoing what others have said, even in the best of circumstances and with no atmosphere, no feelings of infairness or hurt caused by the FILs actions, having someone, anyone, move in for 3 months is very challenging. I would neither want it for myself nor impose it on anyone. I am actually staggered by your FILs brass neck to be honest- to deceive you as he has, to blithely go back on his word re inheritance and then expect to move in and play happy families?

You and your husband are being foolish, OP.

The invitation to stay for a few months should have been withdrawn when you found out he'd been lying to you.

The money he was offering you and you turned down would pay for rent till this cabin materialises.

Yes he's an adult but I fear you and your family are going to suffer the consequences of his actions, not him.

Did you say that he has until the end of April to move out?

That gives him time to look for somewhere else to stay doesn't it?

Op did you leave dh go ahead with telling fil he is longer welcome to stay the duration and move now to Skegness?
Be firm on the idea of him no longer being able to stay, let him tell his daughter that and see what plan he then comes up with. I think it's extremely unfair what he is doing and using your home as a free stay

You’ve declined the offer of £25K and I respect that. But I think that for a 3 month stay he should be making some financial contribution. It will add to your utility bills having an extra person in the house and presumably he intends to eat.

Your FiL and SiL assume you will pick up the pieces and step in when it goes tits up. Why would they think any different?

Agree with everyone saying he need to move to Skegness now.
Simply bo point delaying the inevitable.
Be honest upfront just like the daughter have no room for him same as the son have no room free too and its the truth. Dont feel guilty just like he not feeling guilty how he treat your DH and you and your kids.
Obviously into rented accommodation very close nearby walking distance to daughter current house and be visiting helping them out now. Plus going through their plan viewing properties virtually etc.
This is really the best scenario the sooner he get the wheels moving at Skegness the better for everyone for better or worse.
He will get the lie of the land better this way. And hopefully the blinkers will fall or still stubborn but at least no longer tangled up in his affairs.
Free yourselves.

Him moving to Skeggy now is surely practical anyway?

He can look at properties with his daughter, be nearby for the cabin installation.

Rightly or wrongly, realistically it’s very hard to tell a parent they can’t stay with you isn’t it?

As annoyed as DH is, it’s still his dad.

@ThornAmongstRoses

Rightly or wrongly, realistically it’s very hard to tell a parent they can’t stay with you isn’t it?

As annoyed as DH is, it’s still his dad.

I think in these circumstances I would have no problem doing so, no. This is a person with significant assets, all the time in the world and one who has absolutely chosen his situation. He is not some poor or vulnerable old man thrown out by a heartless landlord or anything. His major problem seems to be being quite stupid and thick-headed.

@ThornAmongstRoses

Rightly or wrongly, realistically it’s very hard to tell a parent they can’t stay with you isn’t it?

As annoyed as DH is, it’s still his dad.

I can see that point.

But he doesn't need to stay-especially not for three months.

He hasn't respected you enough to not lie to you.

He has money enough.

He's not homeless & destitute.

Think ióf the impact of you all on a three month stay.

Maybe offer a month for him to sort other accomodation?

I'm thinking about practicalities.

Plumbing, sewerage, power and planning permission.

Plunking a large, chalet/static caravan type dwelling in your backyard requires planning permission.

Has this been applied for? Approved?

Are they planning to do this illegally and hoping for the best?

This could backfire in sooo many ways.

@ThornAmongstRoses

Rightly or wrongly, realistically it’s very hard to tell a parent they can’t stay with you isn’t it?

As annoyed as DH is, it’s still his dad.

Not as hard as it will be to tell him he can no longer stay with you in 3 months time.

OP, yes it is hard, but it is not impossible.

“FIL, as you know, this has come as a big shock to DH and I. We think there are so many part to it that you haven’t considered, including the impact on our children and what the plan is, if things don’t run to the timescale. We love you and don’t want to be part of a plan that we think will end up hurting you. We can’t participate in doing that, as when it all goes belly up, like we can so clearly see, we will have played a part in that happening to you. You disagree. Let’s agree to disagree and stay friendly. You take the £25,000 you intended to give us and it can finance your living costs (rent etc) as long as it takes before this is ready. I know you say 3 months, we think a lot longer - this way, we agree to disagree and it doesn’t hurt our relationship.”

First draft of the convo. But repetitive. Job done

*bit, not but