Gobsmacked about DDs spending

[Shockedmum1828]

Hi all, first time poster here

My DD is 19 and currently in her first year of uni. She’s been staying with us as she’s been having issues with her accommodation and is meanwhile looking for somewhere new.

Around tea time I asked her if she would like to chip in for a takeout dinner with me and her dad, so it worked out at £5 each

She rolled her eyes and puffed at me, saying she can’t afford that and walked off. I’m shocked, she’s most definitely not “broke” as she’s receiving the almost max maintenance money from student loans.

The thought has been really worrying me. Why didn’t she have enough money? Not for the takeout but to fund her basic uni living aswell? Was there something more to this?

Obviously I’m aware it’s not really my business it’s hers etc but I couldn’t help worrying so I approached her about her money. I was instead hoping she’ll tell me she’s tightly saving her money instead.

After a long conversation and avoiding the question, she blurted out she’s been spending it on in-app purchases.

By that I mean a game on her phone. She’s been spending up to nearly £35 on it a week and even more on occasion. At the start of the month she put £100 in one sitting into it!! I’m lost for words

I demanded to know why she’s been spending that much on a game and she responded she enjoys it, it’s a hobby and she’s essentially buying art and supporting the artists.

AIBU to think she should be saving away some money instead or be spending it towards clothes, special occasions, small holidays etc. It was only months ago she was complaining she wanted musical lessons and a gym pass

She doesn’t have a job so it’s all the student loans she’s blowing away. After paying for her rent she only has a few hundred left till the next payment

Really in desperate need of advice

AIBU to think this is silly spending?

I think you are right to be concerned. I think students these days have it a lot tougher because of high fees and the interest on the loan - so whilst it might have been ok for people in the past to blow their student money, I think people have to be more careful these days. That said, if she does prefer to spend on in app purchases than clothes or takeaways, that is a preference (as long as she is keeping in budget). I would worry she might miss out if she becomes addicted to it or too used to spending there (so that when things open back she continues it as well as having other expenses). Maybe sit down and show her how you budget and warn her that if she does want some money to spend on other stuff when things open back up, she will have to rein it in (or even better - start saving a little bit now)

Mumsnet is so hypocritical - most posts about adult children living at home everyone says you must charge them rent and board or they’ll scrounge off you forever, then when you say you asked for £5 towards a takeaway when your daughter has income, everyone acts like it’s terrible parenting... I think asking her to chip in is fine, on the games, all you can do is help her realise she gets nothing for that money compared to the enjoyment she could get from a holiday or something, but also with Covid it’s very tempting to “treat yourself” a lot, especially at that age. Just be gentle with her and have conversations about budgeting etc without talking explicitly about the games.

Confused about the outrage at asking for money towards a takeaway! After my first year of uni I came home for the holidays, got a job and paid rent to my mum to stay there and would definitely be expected to chip in for takeaways. She was no longer getting financial help from my dad as I had moved to uni and it came straight to me instead. She simply wouldnt have been able to afford me living there. It was only £80 a month but it went a bit towards food, Bill's etc. After uni I moved home to save for a house and paid a lot more in rent!

I’m really surprised at people being shocked at you asking your DD to help pay for a take away.

Yes, you do, you need to treat your children as adults when they become adults.

Oh the poor thing is a student who wastes her money on toys? Honestly, if she is getting the maximum amount in student loans, you are hardly in a position where you can let her spend the money in shite and cover her needs yourself.

I would ask for a monthly contribution towards bills, food and expenses. Knowing that you need to pay your way is the best way to become a financially responsible adult.

YANBU but only because this sounds more like a serious addiction than a hobby.

If she doesn't learn to control it she will be in a lot of trouble.

BTW - I agree that I wouldn't ask my child to contribute to the cost of a takeaway. I'd just ask her what she wanted and add it to the order and pay for it. Or if I was strapped for cash, and could only afford two portions, I'd buy them and share them 3 ways.

I am 42 and if I go to my parent's house for a takeaway (not at the moment obviously) even now, they would never dream of asking me for any money towards it, as I wouldn't with my kids.

Re the money, yes it does seem like silly spending but as others have pointed out, it has been an awful year for those starting uni so what else is there so spend it on. As long as she is finding money to feed herself and accommodate herself as well.

Shes an adult.
Leave her to it.
Just dont bail her out when she comes asking for money. She wpnt learn otherwise.
As long as you aren't paying her bills I'm not sure why you are so shocked.
She has to learn herself. And the only way she will learn is by making the mistakes in the first time.
And if she is staying with you if it's free make sure she is paying a contribution.

Your only thinking that way because it’s a game. She enjoys it so no problem as long as she doesn’t get into debt.

I spent my money on fags, but I never went out drinking and my mates always wasted money on that. People call money a waste when it’s not their cup of tea.

@WhentheDealGoesDown

Usual MN privilege on this thread, mocking £5 on a takeaway.

I know I can't get my head around it! When I had an income I loved being in a position to contribute, because my parents have gone without themselves for so long when we were growing up to ensure we didn't go without, I felt really proud to do so (they didn't expect it, but for an expensive takeaway we wouldn't have had one otherwise). If she can afford £35 a week on a game, with OP not asking for any other financial contribution, I don't see the outrage. Explains the hoardes of entitled young adults though that then flood the workplace after uni, yuck.

£100 in last month on an in-app game by someone not even earning -- I'd be very horrified too.

She needs help breaking that addictive habit. It's doing her a lot of harm. No one should mount debts on a game. I can't believe any PP are fussed about £5 contribution to take away instead of the Elephant in The Room.

at some if the responses. Not everyone has oodles of cash and takeaway is a treat. Op daughter us 19 not 9

Your DD is staying with you and you wanted her to chip in for a take-away. That's a bit mean really.

You daughter has no outgoing as she is staying with you for free but is getting a full maintenance grant (I assume because you're not loaded) and people are horrified that you'd ask her to chip in for a take away?? What a terrible, terrible parent you are.
What a total and utter waste of money in app purchases are, you might as well burn money but it's certainly no worse than alcohol or ciggies. She's 19 so there's not much you can do I guess apart from talk to her about it, talk to her about addiction (in-game purchasing addiction is a thing) and be clear that she is responsible for her money.

Another post where comfortably off posters simply can't imagine a takeaway being a big deal financially. So depressing.

Whats the game? I would be concerned about that, because a lot of the free-but-pay-to-get-premium-content apps actually rely on a small number of users becoming in effect addicted to spending money on the app and thats how they make their money. Its unethical, and it is worrying if she is spending that much money (and presumably time?) but wants to justify it.

@KindnessCrusader

Another post where comfortably off posters simply can't imagine a takeaway being a big deal financially. So depressing.

To be honest I assumed that £15 wouldn’t be an issue for the op because if I couldn’t comfortably afford an amount like that I wouldn’t be getting a takeaway.

Why would you ask her to chip in £5 ..she’s your child
If I ever got to the point I needed to ask my child for £5 towards a takeaway ,I wouldn’t have a takeaway ,I would cook something at home so I could feed everyone

And I agree that it is no worse than alcohol and cigarettes. But with alcohol in particular, if you get to the stage were you need it then that is not good (although its probably a more expensive havit than 35pounds a week).
I am not doom mongering, saying she is definately addicted by the way. But someone spending 35pounds a week on crap would bother me. What if you asked her to take a break from spending any time/money on the app for 2 weeks for example?

@KindnessCrusader

Another post where comfortably off posters simply can't imagine a takeaway being a big deal financially. So depressing.

You’ve missed the point. If you can’t afford a takeaway for everyone don’t have one.

The OP said her DD was on nearly full student maintenance loan so I assume that her own family income is not vast. The DD has been living at home instead of at Uni accommodation so has not been needing to pay for food, laundry, nights out. Only on MN would people be outraged that a parent would ask for a contribution to an expensive take away in those circumstances. Prior to Uni I'm guessing OP was getting child benefit towards her DD - now she's getting nothing but still providing free board and lodgings whilst her DD fritters away the money she has been given to provide these things for herself.
The bigger issue here though is the DDs 'addiction' to spending on virtual app purchases. This needs sorting before she comes unstuck financially once she is living away from home again - at which point she'll be coming back to OP for money to buy the basics which she would have had if she'd budgeted properly.

Yea it's a dumb way to spend her money but I wasted my student loan on nights out and lived in my overdraft most of the time. She's (hopefully) learning an important life
lesson about money (as I did). Leave her to it, but maybe make it clear you won't be bailing her out if she can't pay her bills etc.

So you should never have a takeaway if you cannot comfortably afford it? Not even as a treat?

I've chipped in for takeaways at my mum's since I was a teenager. Thing is, she'd never withhold it if I didn't have the money but I hate shopping and am not a gamer so I usually did (while appreciating that I've had times where a fiver was very hard to come by!) She's a single parent and busted her arse working multiple jobs to raise us. She wouldn't take cash off me but I regularly do things like take the gas card and fill it with £30 etc. I'm late 20s and having realistic views of money encouraged me to be financially independent to the point I was able to buy my own house alone (not a MN high earning fanatsy. I live in an undesirable area and my house cost less than 75k).

Fiscal responsibly is grossly undervalued and poorly taught so I'm really grateful to my mum for those lessons. I have a teenage sister and she buys my mum a little treat for breakfast on the odd occasion etc. She's not a miserly sod for raising financially aware children

We all do things differently. Our 19 year old DD has been home from uni the last year except for two months. She's not expected to pay anything towards household food/bills, but does moan about the fact I haven't bought xyz to eat (her diet has changed over last year or so) so we've suggested as she doesn't have to buy food for uni, if there's something she particularly wants, then she can buy it.

@Sansaplans

So you should never have a takeaway if you cannot comfortably afford it? Not even as a treat?

No you shouldn’t. If £15 is a stretch a takeaway is not what should be prioritised.