Gobsmacked about DDs spending

[Shockedmum1828]

Hi all, first time poster here

My DD is 19 and currently in her first year of uni. She’s been staying with us as she’s been having issues with her accommodation and is meanwhile looking for somewhere new.

Around tea time I asked her if she would like to chip in for a takeout dinner with me and her dad, so it worked out at £5 each

She rolled her eyes and puffed at me, saying she can’t afford that and walked off. I’m shocked, she’s most definitely not “broke” as she’s receiving the almost max maintenance money from student loans.

The thought has been really worrying me. Why didn’t she have enough money? Not for the takeout but to fund her basic uni living aswell? Was there something more to this?

Obviously I’m aware it’s not really my business it’s hers etc but I couldn’t help worrying so I approached her about her money. I was instead hoping she’ll tell me she’s tightly saving her money instead.

After a long conversation and avoiding the question, she blurted out she’s been spending it on in-app purchases.

By that I mean a game on her phone. She’s been spending up to nearly £35 on it a week and even more on occasion. At the start of the month she put £100 in one sitting into it!! I’m lost for words

I demanded to know why she’s been spending that much on a game and she responded she enjoys it, it’s a hobby and she’s essentially buying art and supporting the artists.

AIBU to think she should be saving away some money instead or be spending it towards clothes, special occasions, small holidays etc. It was only months ago she was complaining she wanted musical lessons and a gym pass

She doesn’t have a job so it’s all the student loans she’s blowing away. After paying for her rent she only has a few hundred left till the next payment

Really in desperate need of advice

AIBU to think this is silly spending?

A student blowing their loan is nothing new, and while she doesn't fall behind on bills I think she's fine. She can get a part-time job though, if she needs more money (and I'm sure this day is going to come), and it doesn't even have to be something offline, she can work as a copywriter or edit photos on request in some Photoworks, etc.

@Magnificentmug12

Your only thinking that way because it’s a game. She enjoys it so no problem as long as she doesn’t get into debt.

I spent my money on fags, but I never went out drinking and my mates always wasted money on that. People call money a waste when it’s not their cup of tea.

But she IS in debt - she has a large student loan, almost the maximum she can take pout. Now, I know this is "good debt" with repayments based on income, and taken out for a specific purpose - getting an education. But taking a loan to get a degree is one thing, taking a loan to spend it on coloured pixels on a screen is a whole other load of financial irresponsibility. And that is what she is doing now with some of her student loan.

It is a lot and a slippery slope. However why on Earth would you ask your own daughter to chip in for a takeaway!

No you shouldn’t. If £15 is a stretch a takeaway is not what should be prioritised.

Rather than ask an adult for a contribution? Odd! Each to their own.

Rather than ask an adult for a contribution? Odd! Each to their own

My point is that if £15 is a stretch, then so is £10 really and the money should be saved instead. I wouldn’t be buying a takeaway at all unless I was comfortable enough to not miss £5.

I wouldn't charge my children for food consumed in our house or with us, it's something I can't really imagine doing. But I would expect them to be financially responsible for their uni expenses.
My parents paid for restaurant meals together/take aways until well into my thirties when I was earning a decent salary and they were still employed. In recent years they retired and my career took off and now it's me treating them.

You’re charging her for tea in her own house! My son is 22 and if we suggest having a takeaway to him, I wouldn’t dream of charging him. Seem very mean.

I have a 19 year old dd too who, until a few weeks ago was back living with us. Her halls of residence was not suitable for her online learning.

It's obvious from the OP that she is a low income family as the dd is getting almost the maximum student loans. The maximum loan is plenty for a student to live on. We top my dd up to the same amount as a maximum student loan but during the time she was back living with us we deducted £35 per week from her. This was to to cover her food costs etc. Now I wouldn't have asked her to chip in for a takeaway in that circumstance, the £35 was to cover her food and it would have been our choice to have takeaway rather than cook food. But if the OP is not taking any board from her dd then it would be perfectly reasonable, especially if the family budget is limited. (Incidentally our Friday night chippy costs £11 and that covers three of us.)

£35 per week is a lot to spend on games.

I can't get over you asking your 18 year old daughter for a fiver for a takeaway tbh

I can't get over the number of people who can't get over this but who would probably happily agree that teenagers living at home who have an income should be paying something for their upkeep. This girl has maintenance money that she is not using for maintenance and is living free with her parents. She could also look at getting a part time job as many other students do. What is so outrageous about suggesting she chips in a fiver occasionally?

I could imagine saying, "why don't we chip in for a takeaway if you fancy one", but not "I've ordered Chinese food you owe me £5".

That's if she was living rent free at home too, which she isn't.

I don't think it was unreasonable, even more so considering she is clearly still learning the value of money!

This young woman has a problem. She apparently has no rent to pay and spends no money on utility bills, food or transport. But despite having a full student loan she's unwilling to contribute a fiver to a treat meal. When the parents who are paying for the meal are already subsidising her in so many ways. I don't think they're stingy at all. They're just fed up with the entitlement. She's not a child and she doesn't have a child's income, but she's certainly behaving like one. Expecting absolutely nothing from your adult child does them no favours at all. I didn't accept my DC's offer to pay rent in these circumstances, because I knew they were saving the money they were't spending on rent, for the future. They've already managed to save a fair amount of money from their student loan this year. If they were frittering their saved money away on stupid things like a games app, I'd have charged rent. OP's DC is taking advantage of her. The fact that others of her age may do the same thing is no excuse, and ignoring this won't help her at all.

I was awful with money at uni, but didn’t improve afterwards for some time. I really needed some input about budgeting from my parents. Has she had much?

I think pp going on about the takeaway are missing the main question here!

My parents would never ask us for contribution of a takeaway. Once we all became older, we would treat our parents and siblings to meals and other nice things, they never asked for it.
Now am married with children, when I go to my parents, they still would never ask for contribution towards a takeaway.
I can't imagine askin my kids when they're older for contribution towards a meal in their own home.

As soon as you posted, OP, I knew that - this being Mumsnet - people would be aghast at you asking her to chip in for a takeaway and saying she was staying with you

If my DD had the full student loan but not paying for student accommodation, I'd be charging her for board.

If I could afford it I'd stash it away for her but she wouldn't have £7k+ to waste on games. And, of course, this being MN people are beseeching "what else can she do during these difficult times?" - like their aren't a million FREE things to do online!

I think MSE Martin Lewis has a free resource teaching young people about money - that might be a good place to start.

Good luck, OP!

@Nats1984

She’s a young adult . She’ll do what she wants . Money means different things to them. I’m on a pretty low income and my 19 yr old is in hospitality management . She earns a mad amount compared to me. My family think it’s bonkers that I don’t charge her rent and housekeeping . But having emerged from the life I did , and that wasn’t a pretty one . I don’t need to teach my child the value of money, I need to teach her the value of herself . I’ll keep propping her up until she has a home of her own and is almost dickhead proof. But my daughter is 19 and has almost 15k savings and owns her car. I still haven’t achieved that myself . I’m very proud of her , and also I wont take a penny away from what she’s achieved because we both have suffered due to my poor life choices and she is a bloody legend to be where she is . It’s strange she’s on a managers salary and I’m still at uni but that’s how it goes . We are both very proud and love each other .

Lovely post! You have such a great and supportive attitude towards your daughter! "I don’t need to teach my child the value of money, I need to teach her the value of herself." I will remember that very important phrase! She clearly gets her positive and hard-working outlook from you and it is paying off - kudos to you and good luck with your own studies!

I'd give her a break. It's been a very weird time to be a student. In normal times there would be loads of things she could be doing - having a social life for a start - that she can't do because of lockdown. £35 a week is a lot to spend on a game, but I can easily see students in normal times spending a lot more than this on nights out, coffees in cafes, travel to see mates etc etc.

I'd worry about game addiction and talk to her about this, but I'd feel bad for her that her uni life has been so compromised because of covid.

I mean, spending all that money on a game is obviously a poor financial decision, but young people do make poor decisions! It's better than spending all that money on weed and smoking it on her own in her room! Although not so different in terms of creating a compulsive habit I guess.

Ignore the people going on about the money for the meal. There's a whole load of people on this board who just love to have a go, and once one of them finds something to have a go about, they all pile on.

The same ones would be having a go at you for NOT asking her to chip in, if that's the way the thread had gone, I'd wager.

I would not expect to be charging DC for food consumed in the family home!

I think it's more likely your DD just doesn't want to spend her money on a takeaway.

@hellomom

My parents would never ask us for contribution of a takeaway. Once we all became older, we would treat our parents and siblings to meals and other nice things, they never asked for it. Now am married with children, when I go to my parents, they still would never ask for contribution towards a takeaway. I can't imagine askin my kids when they're older for contribution towards a meal in their own home.

You sound a bit tight, treat your parents to a takeaway FFS!

My dad still wouldn’t charge me for a take away and I’m in my 30s! £5 is such a paltry amount as well, how much would that really he helping you out? But yes you’re right, spending on in app games is silly but ad long as she can afford rent and food it’s up to her how she spends.

It may not be alcohol or drugs but this type of gaming can also cause issues, especially when spending large amounts of money and prioritising it over food. I'd be concerned.

So I'm 31 and my parents would still buy me a takeaway if I was visiting....
But that's not really the point is it? Whilst I will say in my first year most of my student loan went on cider and fags, I would probably be talking to my daughter if this was how she was spending her money. £100 on something that, ultimately, is intangible seems a bit worrying and I'd want to maybe talk to her about setting up limits on what she spent each month on a game.

And my 16 year old DD occasionally treats me to a coffee and cake from the local deli. Out of her part time wages. She enjoys it because it makes her feel mature

YANBU. It’s her money, but it’ll be you she comes crying to when she’s spent it all.

When she moves back to uni accommodation how does she think she’ll buy food etc if she’s blown it all?

If it’s any consolation I was like this. I was living in halls and had to pay my rent out of my loan as my parents didn’t earn much, but I still blew loads of the rest on nights out and booze etc. I worked three jobs in the summer holidays though to top up the money I had.

Now I’m in my 30s and am financially prudent, so I expect she’ll get there in the end, but you need to sit her down and calmly do a budget with her. Show her the dates until her next payment and ask her how she was planning to live if she’s already spent much of her loan?