Gobsmacked about DDs spending

[Shockedmum1828]

Hi all, first time poster here

My DD is 19 and currently in her first year of uni. She’s been staying with us as she’s been having issues with her accommodation and is meanwhile looking for somewhere new.

Around tea time I asked her if she would like to chip in for a takeout dinner with me and her dad, so it worked out at £5 each

She rolled her eyes and puffed at me, saying she can’t afford that and walked off. I’m shocked, she’s most definitely not “broke” as she’s receiving the almost max maintenance money from student loans.

The thought has been really worrying me. Why didn’t she have enough money? Not for the takeout but to fund her basic uni living aswell? Was there something more to this?

Obviously I’m aware it’s not really my business it’s hers etc but I couldn’t help worrying so I approached her about her money. I was instead hoping she’ll tell me she’s tightly saving her money instead.

After a long conversation and avoiding the question, she blurted out she’s been spending it on in-app purchases.

By that I mean a game on her phone. She’s been spending up to nearly £35 on it a week and even more on occasion. At the start of the month she put £100 in one sitting into it!! I’m lost for words

I demanded to know why she’s been spending that much on a game and she responded she enjoys it, it’s a hobby and she’s essentially buying art and supporting the artists.

AIBU to think she should be saving away some money instead or be spending it towards clothes, special occasions, small holidays etc. It was only months ago she was complaining she wanted musical lessons and a gym pass

She doesn’t have a job so it’s all the student loans she’s blowing away. After paying for her rent she only has a few hundred left till the next payment

Really in desperate need of advice

AIBU to think this is silly spending?

£35 a week is no where near enough, my ds had £70 a week had uni and only just made it last, we also got the maximum loan but arent on benefits, but due to self employment and it being calculated on profits.

Anyway you were in the wrong to ask her to chip in and i dont think she is being wrong spending on apps

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

You asked her to chip in a fiver for a takeaway 😂. I'm also wondering where you live that you can get a takeaway for 3 adults for 15 quid?!

Ha ha yes our chinese for 2 is about £25!

Don’t get all the outrage at DD paying for her takeaway.

I had a student loan at 18 and lived at home. I used some of my loan to help mum financially and to buy food for the family.

I lived at home after graduating and saved enough for a deposit on a house in London.

I think having that early responsibility helped me to manage my finances well, and I’ve never had any debt apart from student loan and mortgage.

I spent a lot of money on alcohol and nights out as a student. That’s part of the experience. I couldn’t get annoyed about my DD spending the equivalent cash on something else during a pandemic.

Also, it’s not really for you to comment on her weekly spend on certain items now she’s gone to uni. If you try and have control over things like that she won’t tell you the bigger important things.

I wouldn’t even ask a friend to chip in for a £15 takeaway, let alone my daughter. That is very very cheap for a takeaway.

The daughter is living free of charge because of Covid - she should be able to save the money she would normally have spent on rent. Asking her to contribute to a treat meal is totally fine. My DC was in the same position, and offered to pay me £50 rent, which I refused, but she was right to offer it.

She is wasting money...
When I left school my mum started charging me rent nevermind a fiver for a takeaway..
People are saying she's an adult she can spend it on what she likes and the saying you shouldn't charge her for the takeaway...
I would fit her down and work out at minimum wage how many hours she would need to work to earn the 35 pounds.
If she's living at home encourage her to get a job.

You need to call a spade a spade here.... She has a gaming addiction. She is spending money she cannot afford on something - it's almost worse than a gambling addiction as there is no chance of a payout.

It's only a hobby if its affordable and enjoyable. I suspect if you dig a bit you will find out its not. This takeaway is the tip of the iceberg.

For everything else "you do you" - I wouldn't ask my kid for money for a takeaway, but equally I would expect him also to treat me occasionally - others clearly differ.

It is really, really silly spending. But at 19 I was definitely blowing my student loan on alcohol and eating only Asda smart price beans for entire weeks.

@SittingAround1

She's 19 and therefore an adult, so you need to leave her to it.

I used to blow all my student money on drinks, going out and takeaways when I was at uni. I then had to get temping jobs in the holidays to get my overdraft back to £0 before the start of term.

If it reassures you I'm now very financially responsible.

If "she's 19 and an adult", she needs to act like an adult and that means paying towards her board when living with you, getting a part time job and being sensible with money.

She can't pick and choose which bits of adulthood she likes and which bits she wants to ignore.

It's daft spending to me.
But tbf in normal times it would be going in the pub, or coffees or lunches with her new friends.
Tough times. The one rule I had with my DD was not to get a student bank account in The first year.
At the end of the year she has managed. Many of her friends had 1500 quid overdrafts and nowt to show for it.

As a parent you’re supposed to help fund her university.

Only if you earn above a certain amount. Below that, the student gets maximum maintenance loan and quite often bursaries, but parents are not obliged to give money they don’t have!

As others have said already, MN is a weird place where people are saying Op must support her DD (without knowing Ops earnings) and should never expect her to contribute anything to the household. Surely most posters know that MN is not only for the wealthy?

Op, you were right to ask for the contribution if you needed it, and you are right to be worried about the amount she is spending every month on an app. I can understand it to a point, given there is little else to spend money on right now, but it does sound like she is getting addicted. I would also want to know more about the accommodation problems, were they financial problems?

OP you need to be very careful here. This should raise massive red flags. Not about her having no money, students spend money but about how she is spendong it. £100in one sitting is not normal unless you are loaded money. "free" mobile games are highly addictive and if not addressed it could get worse. The way she was avoiding the question makes it sould like she was embarrassed then rationalising it. You need to ask. Is the spending on loot boxes? Which in my opinion should be banned (the goverment is considering it) . Does she really enjoy playing this game or is it more of a compultion.

Every family is different. We wouldn't ask our adult DC to chip in for a treat but we do expect them to make a contribution to household costs when they are living here.

Yes your daughter was silly and a spendthrift. Yes she has spent money she shouldn't. Now she will have to live with the consequences. If a consequence for her is missing out on a takeaway that's not too bad.

Don't go on too much about this OP. Youngsters leaving home and having big sums of money to spend nearly all screw up like this at first. I spent £40 on a belt at a time when my entire budget after bills and rent was £100. I got by and I didn't make the same mistake twice. I'm currently reading Regency biographies and it happened all the time then only then it seemed to be horses, cravats and gambling debts that ate up the money of feckless youngsters.

She's been silly, she feels bad, she's missing out because of it. It's a lesson learned. Better to do it now than later when she has real financial obligations.

Oh come on OP has done nothing wrong here and since her dd gets maximum loan family finances might be on the tighter end. Ignore the ridiculousness op and parent as you have been.

@Seventrees

The daughter is living free of charge because of Covid - she should be able to save the money she would normally have spent on rent. Asking her to contribute to a treat meal is totally fine. My DC was in the same position, and offered to pay me £50 rent, which I refused, but she was right to offer it.

Exactly!

The Chinese is a red herring, IMO. It has alerted you to something you weren’t aware of and I don’t think you’re unreasonable to be worried. £35 a week is a lot of money for someone on a low fixed income to be spending on a hobby, especially given her comments about wanting a gym pass and music lessons. £35 a week would fund both of those things. You say she’s having some problems with her accommodation. Might that be not paying it and being in arrears?

I recommend this all the time, but have a look at You Need a Budget, a bit of software that helps you budget your money. A year’s membership costs about the same as a week’s app spend and there may be a student discount. It might help her to see where her money is going.

I’m another who can’t believe you asked her to chip in for a takeaway. How bloody tight can you get? My parents would never ask me to do that and I’m nearly 40 with a full time job!

Also, show me a 19 year old who isn’t a crap with money.

Usual MN privilege on this thread, mocking £5 on a takeaway.

Unless you’re on the breadline you sound really quite mean. Of course a nineteen year old isn’t usually terribly wise with money during their first year away from home. Like many other things they have to learn.

Surprised at fifteen pound for a takeaway and very surprised at any parent charging their child for it.

Your role as parent hasn’t stopped. She needs help understanding how much she has to spend freely and how much to commit elsewhere. Are you topping her up financially? What contribution are you giving?

Is she living at home rent free full time or just for the odd weekend or short period? I think it’s different if she’s no outgoings.

She's got money to literally throw away, id be charging her rent to be honest. What she spends her money on is her business, she's the one who has to pay it all back but if she is going to pour money down the toilet then she can at least pay her way. And there's nothing wrong with asking her to contribute to a take away. She's not a child.

I don't see the problem , she is 19 , not working , not paying rent and if she gets almost full loans the family are presumably on a tight income. She is getting a decent deal , chipping in a fiver for a take away for a treat isn't asking the earth.

@Shockedmum1828 I would start a new thread in a few days with "My DD is a gaming addict how can I help her" as the title and don't mention the takeaway!

Also, show me a 19 year old who isn’t a crap with money.
Those who are taught not to expect a free ride are rarely crap with money.