Gobsmacked about DDs spending

[Shockedmum1828]

Hi all, first time poster here

My DD is 19 and currently in her first year of uni. She’s been staying with us as she’s been having issues with her accommodation and is meanwhile looking for somewhere new.

Around tea time I asked her if she would like to chip in for a takeout dinner with me and her dad, so it worked out at £5 each

She rolled her eyes and puffed at me, saying she can’t afford that and walked off. I’m shocked, she’s most definitely not “broke” as she’s receiving the almost max maintenance money from student loans.

The thought has been really worrying me. Why didn’t she have enough money? Not for the takeout but to fund her basic uni living aswell? Was there something more to this?

Obviously I’m aware it’s not really my business it’s hers etc but I couldn’t help worrying so I approached her about her money. I was instead hoping she’ll tell me she’s tightly saving her money instead.

After a long conversation and avoiding the question, she blurted out she’s been spending it on in-app purchases.

By that I mean a game on her phone. She’s been spending up to nearly £35 on it a week and even more on occasion. At the start of the month she put £100 in one sitting into it!! I’m lost for words

I demanded to know why she’s been spending that much on a game and she responded she enjoys it, it’s a hobby and she’s essentially buying art and supporting the artists.

AIBU to think she should be saving away some money instead or be spending it towards clothes, special occasions, small holidays etc. It was only months ago she was complaining she wanted musical lessons and a gym pass

She doesn’t have a job so it’s all the student loans she’s blowing away. After paying for her rent she only has a few hundred left till the next payment

Really in desperate need of advice

AIBU to think this is silly spending?

I'm really saddened by the shaming the OP has received for asking the dd to chip in. She said her dd receives the max amount of loan which means the OP is either on benefits or doesn't work full time, so a takeaway might be considered a treat. The daughter might have more disposable income than the OP!

I'll admit I'm stingy with uni aged DC's.

But even I would never even contemplate asking for money for a takeaway. It's setting a bad example anyway, she needs to learn to cook. I never had takeaway when I was student. It's not something within their budget imo.

But it's also silly spending that much on an app. Sounds like an addiction to me. She could do a test online and if it's problematic behaviour she needs help before it escalates and ruins her life.

I think two issues.

Firstly it’s her money, her choice. She’s an adult. Unless she’s asking you to sub her then it’s none of your business.

Secondly, as most posters I can’t imagine asking my daughter for a fiver for her dinner, but if you’re really skint then it’s understandable.

Not the point of the thread but I had to laugh at this post;

“Well, she needs to show some bloody manners! Rolling her eyes and puffing at you - rude!”

You clearly have not got teenage daughters as that is par for the course, did you not do this either when you were growing up ! 😂

I don't see the issue in asking for a fiver towards a Chinese, they are expensive.

But even I would never even contemplate asking for money for a takeaway. It's setting a bad example anyway, she needs to learn to cook. I never had takeaway when I was student.

I think yabu for asking her to chip in for dinner. I’d be encouraging her to save as much as she could of her student loan, be it cheaper living expenses (ie staying at yours where she can) and less silly splurges (apps). I can see app spending could be addictive so I’d try and help her reduce that somehow, maybe suggest a max amount each week.

As a parent you’re supposed to help fund her university. Money saving expert shows what your parental contributions are. Asking her for money for a takeaway is mean. She needs to look at spending money on the app, maybe give herself a limit. But what else is there to do, she’d be spending more on nights out.

Staying with you and paying towards takeout makes her sound like a guest rather than a child of the family.

Doesn’t everyone buy non essentials? I’d rather it be going on a hobby than alcohol.

She gets maintenance loan... That is money meant to be spent on accommodation, food, bills, living expenses. This 19 Yr old is living rent, bills, free at home.. Not got a job, mum is paying for her food, heating, WiFi, etc... And posters think it's unreasonable that the op asked for a contribution to an expense.
While it is her business what she spends her loan on, it's unreasonable to expect your mum to fund your living expenses while you blow your money on non maintenance related stuff.

@hellywelly3

As a parent you’re supposed to help fund her university. Money saving expert shows what your parental contributions are. Asking her for money for a takeaway is mean. She needs to look at spending money on the app, maybe give herself a limit. But what else is there to do, she’d be spending more on nights out.

That is very true. I must admit I balked at the idea of asking for a fiver towards a takeaway from a student daughter, I wouldn't ask my 31 year old child to chip in if having a meal at my home - neither would he ask me for a contribution towards a takeaway if I was at his. However, I suppose that is different, we don't live in the same house.

Parents generally support their children financially when they are in education. It's unusual for a student loan to cover all their needs surely? However if parents are hard up, that's another thing altogether.

Chinese takeaways are quite cheap around my way compared with other types of meal.

The issue here is not that you asked her to chip in for takeaway. If you hadn’t, you wouldn’t have found out this new information, which is the point of the thread.

Your D’s logic could be sound: she can make dinner for herself with no up-front cost, or pay £5 for takeaway. She understands she has limited funds and has to allocate. Maybe she’s perfectly happy with leftovers or a bowl of cereal or 50p ramen or cooked-from-scratch beans and rice?

But you also said The thought has been really worrying me. Why didn’t she have enough money? Not for the takeout but to fund her basic uni living as well? I don’t see, from your post, how you came to the conclusion that she’s short on money for essentials (as distinct from luxuries) while she’s at uni. When you say she’s been having issues with her accomodation - do you know or suspect that her issues with uni housing may be due to financial problems? Has she told you this? That would be a huge worry to me. If it’s just that she’s depriving herself of some non-essentials to be able to afford others, then I think we all do that (except the MumsNet Billionaires, of course!)

As far as gaming is concerned: mine are too young for it, but my teenage nephews are very involved. They do see it as following their favourites and being excited when a new game comes out from a designer they love, much like someone would look out for a new book or film from a favourite writer or director/actor. Depending on the type of game, it can also provide community: whether it’s multi-player games or a gaming community where everyone’s talking about what’s new and she wants to participate. If you’re close, maybe have a chat with her sometime about what she likes about her favourite game or favourite designer - not accusing, just curious and wanting to learn about something she loves that you don’t know much about. It may set your mind at rest (or not).

Assuming you’re locked down, gaming may be much more important to her than it would be otherwise - I know my oldest nephew, who’s 18, got out of the gaming habit and turned back to it a bit during lockdown once he couldn’t go out and see his friends and physically go to school, work, etc. (They don’t do the in-app purchases, though - I agree with Ikora upthread that that can be predatory, or at the least encourages impulse buying rather than planned budgeting and finding the best price/deal).

Asking a student to contribute to a takeaway is what stands out here-I would never do that. If money was tight, I wouldn’t spend £10 on one! We’d cook and wouldn’t get a takeaway.

She’s daft spending money on apps but maybe no more daft that people spending on cigarettes, booze or candles.

Oh FFS this isn't about a takeaway it's about her daughter pissing her student loan up the wall on absolute shite.

I'd be livid OP and she's knows she unreasonable or she wouldn't have flounced off.

If she had enough money for this not to cause an issue then crack on but if she hasn't got a spare £5 because of it then it's an issue.

Mumsnet is bonkers sometimes. In one paragraph. ‘She’s your child how dare you ask her for money for a takeaway.’
In the next... ‘she’s an adult leave her to spend her own money how she wants!’

Op I do t think you are unfair, at 16/17 I was charged board and my mum took a fair chunk off me on my low wages. She wouldn’t have bought me a takeaway, maybe a chippy but not a Chinese. We’ve no idea how your finances are. Also if she was in accommodation she would be having to fund these things for herself.

At the same time she needs to make these mistakes herself it’s all part of growing into adulthood. You can speak to her about money and budgets etc and she probably needs a job by the sounds of it ( yeah I know pandemic it’s not easy right now but at some point) but ultimately it’s her life now. Be clear that if she gets herself into financial trouble, she is aware of your status and that you may not be able to help her out.

Firsrtly im in shock you asked your own daughter who is a student to chip in for a takeaway? I would never dream of doing this unless the child was working a lot and earning? If its too expensive then dont get one?
Secondly, no its a bit of a waste on the apps but there is nothing else for them to do atm, they cant go out or go clothes shopping, be thankful its not being spent on drugs or alcohol!

Is she spending up to £160 a month on gaming? I'd be really, really concerned too.

Its the law that teenagers are frivolous with money. In "normal" times she'd be easily spending it on some cheap clothes, alcohol and a couple of lines of coke.

@Lantanacamara

I'm really saddened by the shaming the OP has received for asking the dd to chip in. She said her dd receives the max amount of loan which means the OP is either on benefits or doesn't work full time, so a takeaway might be considered a treat. The daughter might have more disposable income than the OP!

Exactly Lantanacamara! The OP's point about asking for a contribution to the takeaway was that it then emerged that her daughter was short of money. The OP was asking if it was legitimate to think her daughter was spending an unreasonable amount on an app, given that the student loan is her only income, not if it was ok to ask her daughter to contribute to a takeaway.

Of course the OP's daughter is entitled to spend her money as she wishes. However, she still needs to keep within a budget. £35 per week, (remembering that this is probably an under estimate) is a lot to spend on an app if you are a student.

Nothing wrong with asking for the fiver - more of the MN idea that children aren't adults til they're 30 and you have to baby them.

But I know most people would play down their confession about spending money on something frivolous. 35 pounds a week doesn't sound much to me but it seems to leave her very hard up. Is that all she has to budget with?
I hope she is helping artists, which she believes.

@Twinkie01

Oh FFS this isn't about a takeaway it's about her daughter pissing her student loan up the wall on absolute shite.

I'd be livid OP and she's knows she unreasonable or she wouldn't have flounced off.

If she had enough money for this not to cause an issue then crack on but if she hasn't got a spare £5 because of it then it's an issue.

She's not "pissing it up against the wall" though, it's a gaming app. Unless im the only person who hears that phrase and thinks sll her money's gone on booze.

@MinnieJackson I was the same, lived at home but worked and helped out with family finances somewhat.
I did waste about £35 a week on alcohol though 😂but had a decent income at the time and saved too. Its disproportionate if she's spending most of what she has.
I'm with OP and concerned that the game might be addictive.

@GreyhoundG1rl

You asked her for a fiver towards the takeaway

Incredible, isn’t it? I don’t know any parent who’d do that.

I'm really saddened by the shaming the OP has received for asking the dd to chip in. She said her dd receives the max amount of loan which means the OP is either on benefits or doesn't work full time, so a takeaway might be considered a treat. The daughter might have more disposable income than the OP

Exactly, the privelledge of not being in that position and not being able to relate.

You asked her to chip in a fiver for a takeaway 😂.
I'm also wondering where you live that you can get a takeaway for 3 adults for 15 quid?!