To be sick of "you're so quiet"

[youresoquiet]

I recently started a new job. I'm around my colleagues for 12 hours a day. Since adulthood, I've made such an effort to try and shake the 'shy' and 'quiet' label I had at school. I thought I was doing well in my new job; I speak up in meetings, make conversation and socialise with colleagues, own up to my mistakes, ask for help easily, etc. All things I struggled with at school/university. I leave work feeling absolutely exhausted from all the socialising.

Today the inevitable "you're so quiet" comment was made by a senior colleague of mind. A colleague I have spoken to several times and tried to make conversation with. I'm so sad that it seems I will always be too quiet/reserved/shy for this world. Every school report I ever had always told me I was too quiet/reserved/shy and I'm just so fed up that no matter how much I try I can never shake it off.

How old are you, OP? I'm like this too with unfamiliar people but I found it gets easier with life experience. You can be forgiven for being a bit quiet in a new job when you don't know anyone well yet.

I am the same! I try really, really hard to be outgoing then someone will say "you're so quiet." I'm a teacher and I find it so easy being with children but throw a ta in the mix and I feel really self conscious

You are doing great. It sounds to me like you make a huge effort. I am exactly in the same position as you. People, even so called educated people always feel like they have to comment. What’s wrong with just accepting the fact that human beings are all different? Personally, I don’t like loud people who love nothing more than the sound of their own voices.
I’ve had to put up with ,”Oh why is she so shy?” “Ha ha, it’s the quiet ones that are the worst you know!” Nudge and a wink etc. and loads of other annoying comments. Just because we are naturally quiet some people assume we’re stupid - I still get that even at my age. Er no, not stupid, just very calm, observant and a good judge of people as a result.
I have social anxiety and it took me years to admit it out loud. I am fine with my own company and see it as a necessity at times. I am happy that way. Some of the people that feel they have to comment on our personality don’t know what to do with themselves when alone and always have to be busy. They can’t relax. I wouldn’t want to be like that.
I become exhausted during social evenings, parties or dinners just trying to keep up the pretence of being a social butterfly so I don’t do it now if I can help it. I keep things small and only attend dinners etc if it is just one other couple e.g.
I don’t really feel I have any advice for you and just want you to know that I completely understand where you are coming from, that you are not odd and there are many, many people out there that feel the same way as you do. 💐

There’s nothing wrong with being how you are. Nothing at all. People commenting on your personality as though it’s a fault are idiots. Shallow. Ignorant. Be who you are and be proud.

OP, you sound fine.

Those 'life and soul' folk wear thin pretty damn quickly.

At least you can be sure no-one is thinking of you ,' shut the fuck up'!!!!!

I'm very quiet. If someone brings it up I just agree 'yes I am' and wait for them to respond. Who cares? It's fine to be quiet. Own it.

Wow @Dorchester could’ve written your post myself!

OP I can understand your frustrations, I’m in a job that involves a lot of moving around and working with different teams. I do feel as I’ve got older that my confidence has improved but am constantly having to deal with the “you’re so quiet”, “are you sure you’re ok?”. I especially feel bad at break times, I’m always conscious of how much I contribute to the general conversation and whether I’ve been quiet for too long! I think people need to just realise that some of us are quieter than others and be done with it. Life would be a lot more chaotic if we were all jumping about talking about ourselves

People who comment on others' quietness are almost always irritating as fuck. What's even the point of saying it?

Own your quietness OP, don't be ashamed or try and change who you are, life is too short! People always assume I'm shy as I have a quiet speaking voice but I'm actually not! If anyone ever comments to me I just say I only talk when I've got something worth saying

Did me people are introverts, some are extroverts. One type is not better then the other.
Personally as an introvert I prefer quiet people and I find extroverts loud and annoying! Embrace what you are and don't be ashamed of being quiet - it's an asset in many jobs and areas of life.

I am better now I'm older (when I say better I just mean I can chat to most people when needed). I am naturally quiet though and don't think there is anything wrong with it. It annoys me when people go on about it with DD (teachers bring it up at every parents evening). It is ok to be quiet! I personally am the sort who says the minumum amount of words necessary to get my point across - excessive chatting gets on my nerves! (DH is my opposite in this respect). If you are able to do as you say and speak up when it is needed then it doesn't matter. Don't feel bad about yourself!

Absolutely nothing wrong with being quiet. The world needs listeners as well as talkers. You’ve been conditioned into thinking there’s something wrong with you, but you’re absolutely perfect just as you are. How much noise you make is no reflection of your worth in the world.

Have you read Quiet: Power of the introvert by Susan again?

Always comes up on these threads. I wasn’t a huge fan, as I think I’m a selective introvert, but know many posters found it helpful.

This has happened to me throughout my life, so I know exactly how you feel. And it's definitely especially galling when you feel you've come out of your shell and been chatty, only to still get the 'you're so quiet' comment.

Do you think you speak quietly though? I have ben told I have a quiet speaking voice, so I wonder how much that contributes to the overall impression of 'quietness'.

There is nothing wrong with being quiet, there is something wrong with people's need to comment on it... it never feels like a compliment right? Being quiet shouldn't be seen a negative, don't try and change to fit in, or conform, maybe you would be better in a environment where quiet thoughtfulness is valued?

"How much noise you make is no reflection of your worth in the world."

I love this!

Bite his or her head off fortissimo and then say ‘Bet you preferred Quiet Me, didn’t you?’

I've had this all my life. It's partly nature and partly a combination of factors growing up. I learned to cut out jibber jabber, think before speaking and use a quiet voice from being very young. The world is geared towards people who just won't shut up and love being the centre of attention and annoyingly they are viewed as more competent. Look at who the popular kids are at school, the people who get jobs/promotions, the people who are revered as celebrities etc. I need lots of time on my own to regenerate and couldn't bear being constantly around other people wittering on. There's nothing wrong with it.

It used to annoy me too, but I'm better at 'faking it' now. I'm quiet but I'm definitely not shy, I used to be shy though. I just enjoy my own inner monologue and thoughts and would generally rather listen to my own brain than most people (unless I really like them).

I dont understand in this day and age though how people cant have caught on that calling people quiet and shy can make people feel self conscious . Just thought it would be common decency now.

I think there’s people who like to talk at every given opportunity. They have big personality and like to make their presence known. I hate taking to people, I don’t have the energy. Especially in the morning when I really can’t be bothered to talk. I’ve always known to be the quiet one at school. But in reality, I’m not quiet. Most people who are quiet aren’t. With their own friends, with people that really know you then you can be yourself.
“ They tell you a good girl is quiet
And that you should never ask why
'Cause it only makes it harder to fit in”

Just say
'Dont worry, I'm not quiet with people I like'

' Yes , luckily I'm not in need of constant attention'

' Thank you, it has taken years of meditation to achieve this zen state.

My sister is like this. All through school and college her reports would come back with it. All parents evenings etc. In jobs as well where she has been surrounded by a lot of loud people. She also hates the comments you describe such as 'Its always the quiet ones.' and people making jokes like 'You need to be careful around this one.'
She gets upset as she feels there is so much more to her than just being quiet. And there is. She is the kindest, strongest and most compassionate person I know. As with you OP, there will be lovely qualities too. Also, never see quiet as being a bad thing. A lot of people value the peace and calmness that being in a quiet person's company can bring.

Yeah I know how you feel it is so frustrating. I have a very loud obnoxious colleague who likes to frequently point out at the top of her voice that I haven’t taken the lead at meetings (everyone else has). My manager doesn’t ask me probably because she knows how ill suited and unconditional I would be but I have to be put through it every time. It makes me feel sick because it’s having your short comings broadcast to everyone and I always worry I’ll end up having to do it. I’m always very conscious that I’m not contributing enough to conversations in social situations and that I’m not as funny and engaging as others. It seems no matter how hard we try, we still get judged.