To be sick of "you're so quiet"

[youresoquiet]

I recently started a new job. I'm around my colleagues for 12 hours a day. Since adulthood, I've made such an effort to try and shake the 'shy' and 'quiet' label I had at school. I thought I was doing well in my new job; I speak up in meetings, make conversation and socialise with colleagues, own up to my mistakes, ask for help easily, etc. All things I struggled with at school/university. I leave work feeling absolutely exhausted from all the socialising.

Today the inevitable "you're so quiet" comment was made by a senior colleague of mind. A colleague I have spoken to several times and tried to make conversation with. I'm so sad that it seems I will always be too quiet/reserved/shy for this world. Every school report I ever had always told me I was too quiet/reserved/shy and I'm just so fed up that no matter how much I try I can never shake it off.

It's a pointless thing to say, though in fairness I think the last person who said it to me said it more in concern, as I wasn't fitting into the team, and he took steps to integrate me more.

Agree with the reply 'yes I am' - just own it. Or I've sometimes said 'that's not a helpful thing to say' as sometimes they don't realise they're being rude and making you feel self-conscious.

Don't let it get to you. I used to be bothered by these comments despite I tried so hard not to be me (quiet) because apparently we seen as rude?

Some people feel uncomfortable with silence - this is their own problem, not the quiet person. They don't see how others might feel annoyed or even exhausted (in my case!) listening to someone talking all day.

I am dreading going back to the office, I really am.

You can't control what others say, you are doing great, just don't let it get to you.

Smile and say 'yes I'm a deep thinker'. This translates as fuck off with your superficial, over friendly, loud but saying nothing, 'listen to how important I sound' extrovertism.

Sick of this. Have had it all my life. Constant pass-remarkable gobshites unsubtly pulling me on it. Try in one particular workplace when I moved over here being publicly called out on it by a LOUD queen bee boss, then when I DID make the effort to speak it was always "oh, what was thaaaaat? What did you saaaaay?" like she was talking to a babbling toddler! FFS my diction is perfectly understandable! (I stood up to her and quit.)

That was the worst and was unbelievably in my 30s. I've never recovered from that and am painfully aware of my NI accent so try not to speak much.

Sick of gobby unfiltered people and their rudeness.

Oh it annoys me too this. So what if a person doesn’t chatter all the time?

I’m not saying all extroverts think like this, but the ones who expect everyone to be sociable and loud all the bloody time come across as needy and exhausting.

I used to work in an office job and I was in close contact with my work colleagues from 9-5. They just wittered on all day. I was called quiet and it used to annoy me. I’m chatty with the right people - the people who I’m comfortable around and who I have things in common with. These people where on more money than me, most of them were older and had a different lifestyle to me. I just didn’t have anything in common with them at all, so yes I became a bit of a closed book around them. I spoke up when I needed to of course to do my job.

I had this throughout my schooldays and I still hate speaking out in a work scenario (although am fine with my friends and when I get to know people better - I can be quite loud then as my friends will attest).
I am sure a lot of people are like this, I have put a lot of effort into being less shy - mainly when I had DCs and went way out of my comfort zone going to mum teas etc on my own as they had to socialise even if I was anxious about it.
There’s room for everyone in this world. If everyone had a big personality it would be ridiculous (and often those people aren’t very well liked as they crave attention constantly).

I like being with quiet people, they are restful.

However, l think there’s a misunderstanding on introvert/ extrovert here. An extrovert isn’t necessarily loud , and an introvert quiet. It’s whether you find spending time with people vitalises you or drains you.

I’m an introvert, l get exhausted by too many people, but I’m not quiet or shy.

@UnderperformingSeal

How old are you, OP? I'm like this too with unfamiliar people but I found it gets easier with life experience. You can be forgiven for being a bit quiet in a new job when you don't know anyone well yet.

What the heck needs 'forgiving' about being quiet?

Agreed, @ErrolTheDragon. Or "fixing"? We aren't broken, defective or malfunctioning.

'Quiet' doesn't equal 'shy' for a start. And since I like to take these things apart with anyone who thinks it's an amazing way to start a conversation, I'm not quiet, just quieter than them!

I used to get a lot of hassle from my teachers and one of my parents for being quiet and I'm sure it was the pressure of that that made me stress about social interactions. I've since become a fairly happy and sociable adult from just accepting myself as I am. As PP have said, what is the end goal of becoming 'louder' in itself?

Silence is also powerful and can be a conscious choice. It can be very unsettling for those trying to dominate a group by always steering the conversation to be faced with people who simply won't engage with them.

I think (and difficult to do) you need to stop treating it as if it’s a dig or an insult or the wrong thing to be. A cheery smile and a thank you always disarms. Or a “thank you yes, there’s nothing more annoying than a loud person is there doreen\ken/angela “(insert name if whoever is giving you the “compliment “).

@Flowers24

Flipping it round, I bet not many people say ' You're so loud' to others...............

I came to say the same!

I agree that people are confusing 'introverted', 'shy' and 'quiet', which aren't the same things at all. I would tend more to introversion, in that I need a lot of time alone to balance out social interactions (which I genuinely enjoy, but which don't 'refuel' me psychologically), but I am socially confident.

I would completely ignore dimwit exclamations of 'You're SOOOoooo quiet!' in social situations or lunchbreaks for many of the reasons up the thread, as those people are perfectly at liberty not to engage with you socially if they find your communication style tiresome or lacking.

Having said that, if it comes up repeatedly in work reviews, I think you need to consider whether your communication/timidity isn't impacting on your professional responsibilities, or whether colleagues feel they are carrying the can on your behalf. It may not in fact be true you may be fulfilling your role in an unobtrusive way but if there's a general perception you're not, because you never speak out on, or come up with, ideas at a meeting, say, then I think it's your problem to solve.

If I need an immediate team decision on something, or to garner a sense of who is for or against a new set of proposals for changes from On High, I need everyone to speak, I can't just skip Linda because she doesn't like to say anything in meetings, and then try to discover later by email what she actually thinks.

@youresoquiet

Ironically you're quiet on your thread since you posted the original post!

Just kidding.

I know what you mean. Although I have never had this comment directed at me, I have had similar comments, like 'why do you always wear your hair in the same style?' 'why have you got BLACK nail polish' on, and 'are you eating AGAIN?' and similar bitchy comments. There always SOMEone (in the workplace,) who has an opinion about you, and it's fucking annoying.

I can think of something similar to what you said. A few years ago, there was a woman (I'll call her Kate,) who started to work at the place where I worked. She was really lovely. Like really gentle and kind, and looked after hedgehogs and stray cats and wild birds...

One of the supervisors, (Pat,) said to her REALLY loudly in a staff meeting 'by the way Kate. You HAVE to stop being so NICE, it's sickening! SO NICE. And no-one impressed with saving the birds and hedgehogs here, we want HARD WORK and RESULTS!' Then she threw in a loud roar, and threw her head back, to make out it was a 'jokey banter' comment. It wasn't. She meant every word. She was a bitch.

Poor Kate went flame red, and smiled awkwardly. Ben, one of our colleagues said 'aww Kate, you don't need to change who you are.' Pat glared at him.

But yeah, Pat was one of 'that type' who always had something negative to say about someone. I think she was a miserable cow who had a miserable life, so I think she wanted everyone else to feel as miserable as she did. And it IS negative to keep making personal comments about someone's personality, or dress sense, or weight etc...

For what it's worth, I prefer quiet people, and fucking LOATHE loud, shouty, people, who won't stop bastard TALKING!

Embrace it. If someone tells you that you are quiet say Yes I am. I admire when people can listen. We live in a noisy world. Too many talking seeking attention.
Take it as a quality. We need you. My husband it's very quiet but I know he has tremendous qualities and his job makes him unpopular as it requires making people do what they don't want to do.
Takes strength to stay quiet when people are so loud.

I have had this a lot too, I'm not particularly quiet really, but when I first meet people, especially if I'm joining a new team I like to observe how people interact and suss them out for a bit.

My background is care/ nursing work and they are notorious for attracting loud mouthed bitchy women unfortunately, so I like to suss them out before I say anything too much, plus I refuse to gossip and bitch about people.
I worked in the same place as my mum once, and I had lots of comments about 'oh you're nothing like your mum are you, you're so quiet'

I worked with a man with complex needs, autism and learning disabilities where one of his triggers was too many staff in the room talking around him. He had to have 2 staff members around at all time and I was extra so there were 3 of us in the room. I wanted to observe the way the staff interacted with him and dealt with him so as to not trigger his behaviours and upset him, so I was quite quiet at first. I remember my manager saying to me after a few weeks that they wondered if they'd made a mistake taking me on as I was so quiet, when people talking around this man too much would upset him and possible make him violent

I’m like this too and I’ve been told I’m too quiet, aloof, rude, arrogant and snobby over the years just because I don’t like to talk much. The only thing teachers have ever had to say that’s considered ‘bad’ about my DC at parents evening is the fact they’re all quiet. I really don’t see this as a negative thing at all, I’d much prefer it to having loud mouths!

Ive learnt to accept now this is me and sod everyone else , still annoying tho, we cant all be the same can we x

It's said as a negative critique, but you can turn it around.

Statement: "You're so quiet"

Response: "What can I say, it's a gift, just always came naturally to me to be so calm. I'm lucky".

I'm so glad of this thread. I always thought it was just me who hated "being quiet" to be made aware of (as if I wasn't already) and yes it's particularly bad when you think you're managing ok, forcing yourself to join in, when a voice pipes in....."you're so quiet". That's it, confidence gone in a flash. Why do people think it's acceptable to do that.

I once got told several times in particular by the same collegue, in the end I just said "yes and your point is?"

I agree its more crushing when you try to talk and join in and someone still says that, you feel like you want the ground to open up. Its always said in a way to make it seem a negative thing, next time im going to say ' I know, Im very lucky to be quiet and thoughtful, love being me!' see what they say?!

Being quiet is not a negative.

But in school and other places unless you are a fog horn you are somehow a social failure. It is an American import. Loudness and confidence equals success.

Please don't let your rubbish schools that could not qualify your reserved nature with something positive and wonderful ruin your every day life now as an adult.

Your words will carry far more weight because they are so considered, your quiet and conscientious ways are just what employers are looking for. The key to good relationships, friendships and social life is not being on loudspeaker, but being loyal, genuine and authentic.

The next time someone says ' you are quiet' agree with them:

'Yes it works for me' and let them figure it out.

I don't think it was especially kind thing to say, the last thing you need is to feel uncomfortable. Would you say to him 'gosh you are loud'
Of course not.
So why is it okay the other way around? It is rude.
I would hold that person at arms length, not a nice person. Now marked out as one.

Carry on being you op!

I think you can’t win either way. Some people will always find a reason to make hurtful, personal comments.

Throughout childhood I constantly got told to stop being so loud, to “calm down” when excited or enthusiastic (which was most of the time!), or to stop talking so that other people can take a turn.

I found this made me feel just as upset and self-conscious that I was “wrong” in some way from the norm of acceptable behaviour.

I remember hurtful sarcastic comments and Mickey-taking as a teenager about my over-enthusiasm. And being aware that many people found me annoying.

I find now, even as an adult in my 40s, that I have to spend an inordinate amount of energy in social and work situations trying to always “reign it in” and hold myself back all the time, as my natural personality is too much for most people.

At home, where I can relax and be myself, I still get daily jibes from my family “do you have to be soooo loud?” Or “just get to the point” when I’m talking.

So I totally feel for the quiet people out there. For those of us with excessive loudness, it is also a challenge to modify our natural behaviour to fit in to what society deems appropriate.

Yes it works for me' and let them figure it out.

That's a great retort.

This really resonated with me! This was me for most of my school life / career. It became a huge insecurity and every time I was in a meeting, not contributing, I became convinced that everyone was focused on me not talking and threw myself into an utter panic.

For me the issue was social anxiety, which I’ve gotten over as time has gone on and I’ve become more experienced in my job & more confident. But if that’s not your issue- if you are just an introvert- then I’d say just own it! You don’t need to make any apologies for who you are.