To be sick of "you're so quiet"

[youresoquiet]

I recently started a new job. I'm around my colleagues for 12 hours a day. Since adulthood, I've made such an effort to try and shake the 'shy' and 'quiet' label I had at school. I thought I was doing well in my new job; I speak up in meetings, make conversation and socialise with colleagues, own up to my mistakes, ask for help easily, etc. All things I struggled with at school/university. I leave work feeling absolutely exhausted from all the socialising.

Today the inevitable "you're so quiet" comment was made by a senior colleague of mind. A colleague I have spoken to several times and tried to make conversation with. I'm so sad that it seems I will always be too quiet/reserved/shy for this world. Every school report I ever had always told me I was too quiet/reserved/shy and I'm just so fed up that no matter how much I try I can never shake it off.

You don't have to explain why you are quiet, or make excuses for it. Hell no.

This is something I’ve had all my life, starting with school reports and then having it said to my face or people have commented to my husband about it.

I’m more quiet around people I don’t know or who I’m unsure of, once I’m comfortable with people I’ll chat away. My sister in law brought it up with my husband, she said that I’m too quiet and reserved. I think it possibly says more about her than me as I’ve known her for over 30 years and still don’t feel comfortable enough around her, I want to do but there’s something that always stops me.

A few years ago I met up with some online friends, none of us had met before and it was a big thing for me to do as an introvert. There were around 15 of us and one person turned up wearing a ‘wacky’ rainbow coloured wig and barely shut up all afternoon. I’d been chatting to her and to others, but when it was time to leave I walked to the station with her and we were talking about how nice it was to finally all get together and she said she couldn’t believe how quiet I was. I so wish I’d have said something back.

I had this as well, really annoying especially when they follow with it’s always the quiet ones like you never heard that before
My favourite reply was ‘yes, but I see everything’. Can scare the crap out of someone with something to hide 😁

DD used to get this, without fail, every autumn parents evening. The worn record was nearly always gone by summer, when each teacher in turn realised DD would contribute constructively when she had something worth saying. I'm much the same, fortunately my first ever work performance review contained the phrase 'quietly confident' - sensible manager building up rather than undermining. I've had over 30 years now mostly working with a US team - I guess my colleagues know that if I open my mouth it may be worth listening to.

Hang in there, OP and all quiet people.

@thistimelastweek

OP, you sound fine.

Those 'life and soul' folk wear thin pretty damn quickly.

At least you can be sure no-one is thinking of you ,' shut the fuck up'!!!!!

Bit harsh, I'm a life and soul type person, very chatty and cheerful. Hopefully I don't work with you, I'd hate to think my colleagues were thinking "Shut the fuck up" all the time.

@JayoftheRed why do you think you are the 'life and soul' because you are chatty & cheery? That's how you perseve yourself
Others may see you differently, I'm sure you are lovely but let's have some perspective
I find it quite draining

Please don't feel you have to "shake it off". It's not a bad thing. There is room and there are roles for all types of people. And I'll guess that you're quiet at some times and not at others.

If someone at works says "you're so quiet" it would be fine just to say "hmm, yes, sometimes" with a smile.

Please don't feel you have to "shake it off". It's not a bad thing. There is room and there are roles for all types of people. And I'll guess that you're quiet at some times and not at others.

^Very well put.

I'm loud - I get told I'm loud. I natter when im uncomfortable or anxious. It's worse than being quiet

I get this!

It’s funny because my new team have never met, so they only ‘know’ me from teams calls. Sometimes up to 14 people where others are chatting away and I can’t get a word in. I thought I was fairly chatty, especially in smaller groups and always made an effort.

Then on one of the calls, I can’t remember what it was about but in reference to me one of them said ‘it’s always the quiet ones’.

I don’t know why but it really upset me, as it felt like a label and it’s a negative comment essentially. I don’t even think I’m particularly quiet, especially with the right people. Plus she was in her 40’s and I’m in my 20’s. It’s kind of like putting me in my place and felt patronising. I think maybe when people are more outgoing they notice more when others aren’t- so perhaps it’s their insecurity and not mine.

I’ve learned it’s best not to care anyway.

[quote SimplyMarvellousDarrrrrrling]@JayoftheRed why do you think you are the 'life and soul' because you are chatty & cheery? That's how you perseve yourself
Others may see you differently, I'm sure you are lovely but let's have some perspective
I find it quite draining[/quote]
I didn't say that. I said I am life and soul type person. I am cheery and chatty. Those two statements are not one and the same.

When I'm in a group situation I tend to be loud and silly and chatty and make people laugh.

I just felt like everyone is rushing round to tell the OP it's ok to be quiet (which of course it is) while telling loud people it's not ok to be loud. How dare the OP's boss say she's quiet, while in the same post, people like me are told to "shut the fuck up"?

Yes, I know I'm annoying. Believe me, I know. I live inside my head after all! But if it's ok for the OP to be quiet, then surely it's ok for me not to be?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not swinging from the chandeliers in the office or dancing on the tables, but I'm chatty and laugh a lot, which now has me thinking that everyone hates me for it, so thank fuck I'm working from home at the moment.

I completely agree with you, it's so rude. Imagine if we started saying "You're so loud, aren't you?" complete with head tilt and smile in true MN fashion.

There was a thread on Twitter on this theme only recently. Numerous women told they were 'too much', or talked over by men in the workplace who ignored them and then reframed their ideas as theirs. I've personally witnessed this happen.

Seems some folk will never be happy OP, so don't try to change yourself to suit them. They doubtless won't appreciate that either.

I wonder how many males are frequently asked to justify how much or little they speak?

Yhen on one of the calls, I can’t remember what it was about but in reference to me one of them said ‘it’s always the quiet ones

Next time someone gives a put down like this, I'm going to answer "No you're wrong, I've found it's always the loud ones." Let them work it out what you mean.

@JayoftheRed 🙄 I wasn't attacking you, I was asking a question. I'm chatty, and cheery but very quietly spoken
I don't need to be loud to be heard

You could ask them 'what do you mean?' Turn it back on them to explain their remark. Then if they start saying you never speak up etc, they come across as bitchy.

I say to people 'do you want to say anyrhing else to me?' This gives them the hint that I don't appreciate their comments. Also if they do say something else, I ask them again if they want to say anything else, in a cold tone.

I think saying that you are quiet is like saying you are short, you are old. It may be factual but it is rude.

Or another one....
"Yes I am, what the hell do you want me to do about it"?
Or
"Is it bothering you somehow"?

I sorted this.

I became self-employed

Sorry not helpful - I empathise.

Bah. There’s still a lot of prejudice about being introverted. It’s worth making an effort to connect with colleagues (though I’d peel back if you are exhausted by it) - beyond that, own who you are. I’d just say ‘ah, do you think so’ to any further comment like this, ideally accompanied by a slight smile.

I get it all the time, its annoying. I dont like being center of attention and quite happy to be an observer when in a group. Ill talk when talked to but find it hard to start a conversation with someone I dont know.

Whats more annoying is people saying "you need to speak up more, you need to be louder" why is this acceptable but if I told a loud extrovert to be quiet/shut up I'd be being rude.

@youresoquiet you sound perfectly fine to me! I'd rather be known for being 'quiet and polite with good manners' than for being the 'loud, brash and tacky' one who doesn't know when to shut up! We all know at least one person like that don't we...

Anyway it doesn't matter what they or anyone else thinks. You're there to do a job and you sound like a sociable person. Personally I've had similar said to me over the years and IMO I often think that the people who says the 'you're so quiet' line have their own issues / insecurities to deal with it and are covering them up. It's like it makes them feel better to point out what they think are 'flaws' (in their eyes only btw) and they want to get in there first with their perceived negatives. It's actually rude to comment on someone's disposition. If you observe these people from a distance it won't be long before you'll see their hang-ups and they're the very ones who wouldn't be able to handle any negative comments directed toward them...

I would love to say back 'you are so loud'. Then when they get offended, 'you can give it but you can't take it'

In the words of Aaron Burr in Hamilton, 'Talk less, smile more' 'fools who run their mouth often wind up dead'. Burr was the bad guy but had a point 'words are ammunition for your enemies'. Maybe people are suspicious of quiet people because they can't pin them down, what they're for or against. But this is a good thing in my opinion. Once you've blurted crap out, you can't take it back, it's good to consider well what you say especially in the workplace.

"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt" - UnderperformingSeal Abraham Lincoln

I also used to get "cheer up, it might never happen!" constantly from one previous colleague, because as well as being quiet I am afflicted by RBF.

Thank you all, your replies have been so reassuring to read.

In the initial conversation I responded with "Oh really? I guess I've always just always been more of a reserved person" and he responded with "that's not good, why is that?" as if it is some huge personality flaw. I'm in my mid 20s so I thought I would have outgrown this by now but I guess not.

It just hurts as I have been trying my absolute best to be as confident and chatty as possible but obviously it's not coming across.

@UnderperformingSeal

"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt" - UnderperformingSeal Abraham Lincoln

I also used to get "cheer up, it might never happen!" constantly from one previous colleague, because as well as being quiet I am afflicted by RBF.

And you don't think that's some of the reason why people in the workplace sometimes have issues with the person who never speaks at meetings? The silent person gets to keep schtum while everyone else is putting stuff out there yes, including ridiculous stuff while desperately trying to brainstorm solutions to a problem, and then Silent Person gets to carp inwardly about whatever is decided afterwards without having contributed to the decision.

I hear you on the RBF, though. Mine occasionally frightens me in photos.