To be sick of "you're so quiet"

[youresoquiet]

I recently started a new job. I'm around my colleagues for 12 hours a day. Since adulthood, I've made such an effort to try and shake the 'shy' and 'quiet' label I had at school. I thought I was doing well in my new job; I speak up in meetings, make conversation and socialise with colleagues, own up to my mistakes, ask for help easily, etc. All things I struggled with at school/university. I leave work feeling absolutely exhausted from all the socialising.

Today the inevitable "you're so quiet" comment was made by a senior colleague of mind. A colleague I have spoken to several times and tried to make conversation with. I'm so sad that it seems I will always be too quiet/reserved/shy for this world. Every school report I ever had always told me I was too quiet/reserved/shy and I'm just so fed up that no matter how much I try I can never shake it off.

@youresoquiet you can’t spend your life (even if it’s just working hours) trying so hard to be something you’re not. You’re lovely just as you are, you’ll wear yourself out that way, and people will still like the authentic you.

I do get what people are saying about contributing at meetings etc, but I have never been able to throw out silly suggestions just for the sake of saying something. I’ve always been better at taking my time in considering the problem from all angles and delivering a couple of sensible options. I’ve become the go-to person in my office for quality checking reports etc before they get sent out, and known for kindness and a calm, logical approach to crises. You will find your niche in your team, your confidence will grow, and people will stop thinking of you as simply ‘quiet’. You are so much more than that, and it isn’t a fault!

@youresoquiet

Thank you all, your replies have been so reassuring to read.

In the initial conversation I responded with "Oh really? I guess I've always just always been more of a reserved person" and he responded with "that's not good, why is that?" as if it is some huge personality flaw. I'm in my mid 20s so I thought I would have outgrown this by now but I guess not.

It just hurts as I have been trying my absolute best to be as confident and chatty as possible but obviously it's not coming across.

It's Him Not You.

There is nothing wrong with being reserved.

I can really empathise with your post! I try really hard to speak, interact, contribute etc at work even though it doesn't come naturally, but it can be very hard when some people love the sound of their own voice more than anything and just assume you've nothing to say because you're 'quiet'.

I have found zoom meetings particularly challenging. In a good meeting, there's someone who directs the flow of the meeting and invites everyone to speak. In a bad meeting, it's monopolised by people that love to talk and don't give way when they can see someone else wants to interject. Short of interrupting and continuing to talk over the other person, there's no way of getting your input heard!

I find the idea that being 'quiet' is a problem very frustrating. It has followed my daughter throughout school from reception to current Y13 and it is not meant as a positive. Many quiet people have plenty to offer and are often very thoughtful with good ideas that they are happy to share if people take the time to listen.

It’s so annoying when people say that! As if being loud and extroverted is somehow better than being quiet and introverted. Co-workers used to say it to me all the time: “You should talk more”. And I’d just say “Why?” I’m not interested in talking just for the sake of it, I have nothing to add to conversations about sports or soaps or whatever. The last time someone said I was too quiet I said “I’m not TOO anything, I’m just myself, exactly the way I want to be”. That shut them up.

@Breastfeedingworries

I’m a loud confident extrovert, I’ve always loved the company of introverts. I love getting to know different people, actually often clash with people similar to myself. My best friends would have been called “shy quiet” at school. My best friends since I was 4 was really shy as a child. I stuck up for her ect and we were inseparable. She didn’t really speak to anyone but me and I felt special I knew what a lovely, kind witty little girl she was. Obviously as we grew up she grew and changed and she grew in confidence which she’s told me was because of our friendship.

People are people good and bad, being quiet is in no way a failing! I’m flattered when someone whose shy and doesn’t want to talk, opens up and they’re this amazing unique person.

yes, genuine genuine extroverts, i think, have the ability to bring out the introvert . That's because genuine extroverts enjoy the company of everyone and put the introvert at ease , helps the conversation flow by asking questions about the introvert and makes the introvert feel valued for who they are. Then there's that particular type of "extrovert" who is being loud and "fun" in order to boost popularity with other loud and "fun" people, they'll ignore introverts as they serve no purpose to their path to popularity .

I'll add - it usually means people think they're extroverts but actually they are massively insecure

Oh gawd I get this too.
I just say “yeah, I am, always have been”.
The end.
No more than that.

I'm the same op. Nothing wrong with being quiet, it's better than mundane small talk about the weather... us quiet people/introverts just prefer deeper conversations.

I’m older now.
I don’t do social events, join in leaving/birthday/retirement gatherings.
I don’t give any explanation I just say, no thanks, it’s not for me.

Totally no embarrassment, no awkwardness, it is what it is.

Also helps that I don’t give a flying shiney shite what anyone thinks of me.
Yep I’m quiet....and the problem is.....??

Is it possible to be a quiet, introverted gob shite?
Because that’s me.

I hate it when little children don’t want to say hello to, for example, me on the till & the Mum will say “ Gone all shy again X”. The kid isn’t a performing seal! As pp’s have said, we are all different. Nothing wrong with being quiet. People shouldn’t comment on things like that. Well maybe when someone’s being exceptionally loud!

In the initial conversation I responded with "Oh really? I guess I've always just always been more of a reserved person" and he responded with "that's not good, why is that?" as if it is some huge personality flaw.

@youresoquiet I really wouldn't waste one more minute thinking about such an idiotic comment from your colleague. I can guarantee that there's something peculiar / secretive about him to say such a horrible thing...

I would have been tempted to respond with 'have you always been so rude and why is that as it's certainly not good?'

I’m like this. Even when I think I have made an effort to chat and fit in I still have my quietness commented upon. I just can’t do small talk very well, it’s not the way my brain is wired. I just wish some people would give us the space to be who we are. Not everyone is able to be talkative.