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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be sick of "you're so quiet"

138 replies

youresoquiet · 23/03/2021 21:20

I recently started a new job. I'm around my colleagues for 12 hours a day. Since adulthood, I've made such an effort to try and shake the 'shy' and 'quiet' label I had at school. I thought I was doing well in my new job; I speak up in meetings, make conversation and socialise with colleagues, own up to my mistakes, ask for help easily, etc. All things I struggled with at school/university. I leave work feeling absolutely exhausted from all the socialising.

Today the inevitable "you're so quiet" comment was made by a senior colleague of mind. A colleague I have spoken to several times and tried to make conversation with. I'm so sad that it seems I will always be too quiet/reserved/shy for this world. Every school report I ever had always told me I was too quiet/reserved/shy and I'm just so fed up that no matter how much I try I can never shake it off.

OP posts:
thelegohooverer · 24/03/2021 07:22

When people say out loud most of what they are thinking, they can be very intimidated by thoughts they cannot hear.

Icenii · 24/03/2021 07:26

What you going on about wearwithteens?

OP states she talks up at work and in meetings. You're inventing a situation here so you can make being quiet sound negative.

YukoandHiro · 24/03/2021 07:26

My DH gets this a lot. What helped him in mid life was reading up on introversion and the unique qualities of introverts. He just owns it now and if someone points it out he agrees. It soon shuts them up.

I'm a massive extrovert and I do sometimes think he uses me as cover in social situations - will refuse to go to things without me as he knows he'll have to speak to people he doesn't know well and can't rely on me to do it for him.

Besom · 24/03/2021 07:26

@Flupibass

There’s nothing wrong with being how you are. Nothing at all. People commenting on your personality as though it’s a fault are idiots. Shallow. Ignorant. Be who you are and be proud.
This exactly. They are obviously a numpty.
MimiDaisy11 · 24/03/2021 07:30

It's a stupid thing to say as what can you say back to it?

starrynight21 · 24/03/2021 07:32

I'm in my 60's and I've always been quiet. I'm not ashamed of it , and if someone says "you're quiet" I just say" yes, I am". I've never found it to be a problem - I've had good jobs, good friends and two good husbands so something is working all right .

I do try to be sociable but it's very draining and I don't seek out social opportunities unless I have to. I've never found quietness to be a handicap at all.

We're all different , and at least nobody is ever going to tell you to shut up !

Breastfeedingworries · 24/03/2021 07:34

I’m a loud confident extrovert, I’ve always loved the company of introverts. I love getting to know different people, actually often clash with people similar to myself. My best friends would have been called “shy quiet” at school. My best friends since I was 4 was really shy as a child. I stuck up for her ect and we were inseparable. She didn’t really speak to anyone but me and I felt special I knew what a lovely, kind witty little girl she was. Obviously as we grew up she grew and changed and she grew in confidence which she’s told me was because of our friendship.

People are people good and bad, being quiet is in no way a failing! I’m flattered when someone whose shy and doesn’t want to talk, opens up and they’re this amazing unique person.

Flowers24 · 24/03/2021 07:35

Flipping it round, I bet not many people say ' You're so loud' to others...............

Lovedove · 24/03/2021 07:35

In business meetings some of the best comments come from the quieter members. Sometimes the extroverts are talking for the sake of talking. Some of the most successful people I know are introverts and look at this link .

c-suitenetwork.com/advisors/successful-introverted-ceos/

CeeJay81 · 24/03/2021 07:36

I can so relate to this. I suffered social anxiety a lot when I was younger. Got badly bullied, I barely said a word at school and struggled with jobs. Noone understood why I was so quiet. As I've got older I care a lot less what people think. I'm also not as quiet but still quiet compared to most. I still have my moments but there is nothing wrong with being quiet. I'd never ever comment on anyone being quiet, as there are many reasons amd nothing wrong with it.

I've found a job these days that actually I feel like I fit in. I still feel drained by the end be of the day though due to the social aspects.

WeIcomeToGilead · 24/03/2021 07:36

There’s nothing wrong with being quiet

My children are quiet and reserved - one even hates music - and they’re amazing people

OneToThree · 24/03/2021 07:40

Does it mattet?
If mentioned “yes I am a quiet person and I am happy with that” should do it.

Tomcullenisahero · 24/03/2021 07:40

I am the same OP. It used to make me more self conscious when someone told me 'your so quiet' as I felt I was being watched or noticed more than other people, bringing attention to myself or something but now I just agree and say 'yes I am'.
My dad used to tell me "empty vessels make most noise" and this saying has stayed with me.

Perlea · 24/03/2021 07:41

I always had 'very quiet' ins cool reports, I believe teachers tend to put it when they think you could probably contribute something of worth to the lesson!
Some people who are called quiet simply only like to say things they think are worth sharing, nothing wrong with that.

Fourmoos · 24/03/2021 07:42

My husband had this on every work review. He was the one who quietly got on with the work whilst the rest of the team gossiped away all day! You can’t change who you are.

apalledandshocked · 24/03/2021 07:49

@DahliaMacNamara

People who comment on others' quietness are almost always irritating as fuck. What's even the point of saying it?
Sometimes its a form of insecurity on their part. They worry that the person is quiet around them because they don't like them. Saying "you are quiet" as a statement
  1. gives the person saying it some positive self-affirmation that it isnt them personally
  2. in theory gives the "quiet" person a chance to say "no, I dont like you/you offended me when" and then they can have a big arguement or productive discussion

In principle it never works like that, and just makes the quiet person more uncomfortable/less likely to like the other person. But it can be more a case of completely different personalities misunderstanding each other than a deliberate attempt to be mean.

newstart1234 · 24/03/2021 07:50

I’ve always been ‘the quiet one’. I find it an annoying label too - I’m loud in my own head!

Yuko - I use my extrovert husband as cover at social situations; this contributed a lot in my decision to marry him 😁

The same comment to an extrovert would be ‘I find you loud and overbearing’. When put like that, it’s easy to understand why it’s a rude comment to make. Don’t worry op your in good company 🙂

Crimblecrumble1990 · 24/03/2021 08:07

Cannot stand this, took me until my early 20s to accept that it was ok to be slightly more reserved/not loud and 'wacky'.

I find people say this to me after I've spent a lot of the party or work day making an effort and talking to them, was I literally not talking loud enough? It's so weird and drives me mad.

lollipoprainbow · 24/03/2021 08:11

@Flowers24 that's awful!

NotMeekNotObedient · 24/03/2021 08:14

Just ignore them OP. It sounds like you are making lots of effort.

I'm in the 'I only talk when I've got something worth saying' camp. I guess the issue is lot of women have imposter syndrome and don't always feel there is a place for their voice at the table.

I come across as quiet (have been called 'mysterious' Confused, but can happily chat away for ages with friends. Some friends extroverts, some introverts. It takes me time to open up to people. I dont think I'd describe my self as an introvert though really. I'm just selective in who I spend my social energy on. Random colleagues I don't actually like, no, 'Hello, how are you?' is about as much as they get. But, I also have several really good friends at work. And have told off in the same work place for 'talking too much' though that manager was a psycho!

I dont really care if people say 'it's always the quiet ones' as their perception of me doesn't define who I actually am. They only see what I have chosen to share with them and I like it that way.

I do think sometimes people can overlook those who are quiet - easy for say teachers to not give you the attention needed, you're quiet and competent and they are busy with disruptive, struggling, gifted kids. Not being able to to seen can be an issue. But if you are speaking up in meetings and contributing when needed, getting the work done, being generally friendly I cant see the issue.

Nimora · 24/03/2021 08:14

There’s nothing wrong with being how you are. Nothing at all. People commenting on your personality as though it’s a fault are idiots. Shallow. Ignorant. Be who you are and be proud.

This.

wandawombat · 24/03/2021 08:15

@Flowers24

Flipping it round, I bet not many people say ' You're so loud' to others...............
Oh they do...

I'm loud, I have a very quiet husband. I do envy his ability to stay quiet in almost any given situation.

Nesski · 24/03/2021 08:21

@Flowers24 you're wrong there, people who are loud and voice opinions have been labelled as 'gobby'

mummywithhermini · 24/03/2021 08:33

I am quiet . I was painfully shy at school but I am a lot more assertive and will stand up for myself now. I keep grudges though, which isn't good at all.
if somebody says to me now 'you're quiet' or similar. I just respond with' I'm not really, I just can't be bothered' lol

PattyPan · 24/03/2021 08:49

Yanbu, I’m sick of it too. One of my targets at work is basically to become less quiet, as if being an introvert is a poor behaviour that needs to be fixed Hmm

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