To be sick of "you're so quiet"

[youresoquiet]

I recently started a new job. I'm around my colleagues for 12 hours a day. Since adulthood, I've made such an effort to try and shake the 'shy' and 'quiet' label I had at school. I thought I was doing well in my new job; I speak up in meetings, make conversation and socialise with colleagues, own up to my mistakes, ask for help easily, etc. All things I struggled with at school/university. I leave work feeling absolutely exhausted from all the socialising.

Today the inevitable "you're so quiet" comment was made by a senior colleague of mind. A colleague I have spoken to several times and tried to make conversation with. I'm so sad that it seems I will always be too quiet/reserved/shy for this world. Every school report I ever had always told me I was too quiet/reserved/shy and I'm just so fed up that no matter how much I try I can never shake it off.

*uncomfortable not unconditional!

I get this too. It's a shame being quiet is still considered a failing. I find some people equate being quiet with being sad, and they feel they have to point it out so they can try and make you happy and chatty. So they're sometimes well meaning. But it is really disheartening being on the receiving end as you're basically being told that, by being your natural self, there's something wrong with you.

If this thread is like others I've encountered on this subject, someone will be along to say quiet people just think they're superior and need to get over themselves.

I feel rage on your behalf, OP. It’s never helpful to comment upon how “quiet” someone else is.

@DahliaMacNamara

People who comment on others' quietness are almost always irritating as fuck. What's even the point of saying it?

It’s so annoying! I used to work with someone you used to say this to me, a really condescending man who’d say I was “quiet as a little mouse” (when I was just working normally at my desk, not talking) and in the end I’d reply very loudly WHAT? SHOULD I BE SHOUTING? and it would make him jump

I am fine on my own and have had no problem with the lockdown. My daughter is the same (I have a son who is the total opposite and loves being with people all the time).
She hates school group projects and even though she does have a close group of friends, has said on occasion how much she hates 'people'. And frankly as long as she is happy with that and in herself I don't think she needs to change, but she does need to be able to function in the wider world on occasion.
I have told both my kids that finding a future that suits their personality as well as their interests will make them happier. He would make a great teacher - he loves being the centre of attention and motivating people. She would be better in a job that does not require so much interpersonal exchange, like research or art.
Find what fits, if possible, so that your natural reticence is an asset.

we recognise that if you choose to stay silent in a work situation you are actively choosing to shift the responsibility of social interface to other people - and that isn’t fair.

I agree it isn't fair to make others carry social situations when they don't want to or even feel able to, and I try hard to participate in discussions as much as everyone else. Being naturally quiet doesn't need to mean hiding in the background and contributing nothing.

'actively choosing to shift the responsibility of social interface to other people' I have no idea what this means! What is social interface? Is is chit chat or jibber jabber? If its either of those then no one need to take responsibility for it, as it doesn't have to be done. I find quiet people just as good at saying what needs to be said as anyone else. But they don't waste time saying stuff that doesn't need to be said.

I just say that I only make an effort to engage with people I actually like. I'm so past caring what these obnoxious people think about me!

I’m a quiet person, it used to annoy me people saying this. Now I am pushing 50 I don’t give a shit. I’m quiet, that’s how I am. Embrace it!

Most people I speak to say the same - there are more secret introverts than you’d realise - we all hate public speaking - but we recognise that if you choose to stay silent in a work situation you are actively choosing to shift the responsibility of social interface to other people - and that isn’t fair.

The OP and many quiet people are not silent, just quiet. The OP says she speaks up in meetings etc, just like many quiet people do. Stop equating quiet with not taking part or being involved. This is the type of rubbish we have to put up with.

I do feel for you. I’m 50 now and have had this all my life, I think I’m joining in and being the same as everyone else but always get labelled ‘quiet’.
I also have a gentle quiet voice and so get spoken over or have to repeat myself because people don’t hear me the first time. The thing is I sound loud in my head so it’s hard to get the balance right.
I’m not sure what the solution is but you seem to be doing the right thing in being friendly and at least attempting to talk to these people. The worst people at work are the big mouth, so called ‘characters’ who over share and are never quite as popular as they think they are.

I had something very similar happen at work last week after thinking I'd made an extra effort in my new role to be chatty and get to know others. It really does hit your self esteem! I've always had the quiet comments on report cards etc from school. I actually don't mind being 'quiet' but it just makes you feel self conscious when someone brings it up. You're definitely not alone op!

Reframe it as a compliment.
'You're so quiet'.
Thanks! It's great isn't it? No nonsense chatter all day about shite.

I e been asked if I'm ok, in a mood, angry etc.
I just reply that I'm not, im just not a chatter type or that I'm pondering my next meal etc.
If they make a weird this g of it I just ask them a question about themselves and they can prattle on about that for a bit.

I get this and hate it; I went on a hen do and made so much effort a while ago (when they were allowed) and still got that comment. After that experience I started wondering if people make that comment as a reflection of their own social skills; they need someone else to be very loud and chatty otherwise they don’t know how to make the effort themselves.

It's so rude to say this to people, as it's rarely said in a positive way. It wouldn't be acceptable to say 'you're so loud' to gobby people in the workplace, but somehow it's okay to say you're very quiet.

It's not something you can do much about, as you're already making a lot of effort to be friendly and approachable, and actually works to make it even harder as you feel judged in my experience.

I know it's hard but try not to take it to heart. I'm sure there are people in the office who appreciate the fact you're not in everyone's face.

I completely agree with you, it's so rude. Imagine if we started saying "You're so loud, aren't you?" complete with head tilt and smile in true MN fashion

I've had this all my life and now my dd gets it too, why can't people just let others be! As my mum used to say empty vessels make the most noise!

And this is why I like wfh. Everything is about extroverts in this world.

I was effectively silent for 3 years at my place when I started. It just took that long to truly be comfortable in my role and the people I was sat with. Once I classed them more as friends than colleagues it became easier. Now they can't shut me up!! Stick at it, my lot couldn't believe the change over time.

You've just said your self how you have tried really hard in the last to be outgoing.
Have you considered that the person you are talking to also struggles socially and was trying to find something to say?
Sometimes people put their foot in their mouth, they'll find the first thing to mention when trying to converse.

Omg are you me? I felt weird reading that as it is exactly me! All my life been told im am quiet and shy and every school report said so. At work I also try to chat to people and make an effort, find it really really hard to speak up in meetings but aim to say one thing at least each time. Then i get the dreaded comment too ' you're so quiet' even though I thought I was really trying! Why do people have to say that anyway, do they not realise how crushing it is , I am with you xxx

Nothing wrong with being quiet.
It is good to be a variety of personalities and types of people.
I am quiet around people I find they do not know how to take me but I am drawn to outgoing people.

Take it as a compliment. We are a whole family of quiet people, and its nothing to be ashamed of.
You can talk to people, hold your own and do your job. You don't need to be jumping up and down for attention.
Now I'm older comments about being quiet are often replaced with calm and level headed. The boss of an organisation I used to work at used to come into my office for her coffee break for a chat and chill out, as she loved the atmosphere!
A teacher at my daughter's parents evening summed it up beautifully, other teachers through the evening had said the usual, she needs to speak up more, answer more questions etc. I raised it with this teacher and she asked why. She spoke about all children being different, and she doesn't need them all to be competing for attention. She said our DD should stay exactly how she was and as long as she was happy, getting on with her work and understanding everything then it was fine.

Can I just add on every school report I had this, the first one at secondary school sticks with me as the teacher wrote in huge capitals :

'DON'T YOU THINK YOU SHOULD COME OUT OF YOUR SHELL???????' like that, I still have it somewhere,

That really affected me at age 11 and i have never forgotten it.