Y7 disgusting comments

[ShinyGreenElephant]

I'm 99% sure I'm not being unreasonable here but I'm SO angry and could do with some perspective/ advice.

A boy in my DD12s class has said to her today "shut your legs, your fanny stinks". This was in front of a group of kids. Shes on her period today as well so it made her feel even more paranoid and she was really upset and humiliated. A few of the boys laughed half-heartedly (all her boy mates have since said he was out of order but none of them said it at the time) and all the girls who were there went mad at him, DDs best friend slapped him across the face. DD called him an ugly little rat and walked away before he saw her crying but was then very upset and sobbing to the other girls. Shes been friends with this boy for years but hes recently turned on her a bit after hes asked her out twice and she said no. Nothing like this though.

DD told a teacher who told him off, but he wasn't sent home and hasnt apologised. The school didn't inform me about the incident. Far as I'm concerned this is nowhere NEAR good enough - I've called them and told them as much and been told they will investigate and deal with it further.

Can anyone advise on what my next steps should be? I'll be putting it all in writing tomorrow once they contact me with how they've dealt with it. What if its not good enough? Governors? What can I realistically expect - I will 100% need an apology and I want him suspended but not sure they would even tell me if he was.

Any advice welcome even if its to tell me I'm over reacting. I'm actually friends with his mum but won't contact her tonight at least as I'm so angry I know I won't be able to handle it well.

Comment might have been vile however notice you’re ok with violence?
It’s not ok for him to make this comment yet ok for him to be slapped?

All this 'women think men are going to kill them..' err.. isn't that quite a sweeping generalisation? Also speak for yourself. I don't view every man I see as a predatory rapist murderer.

OP, it sounds like he has learnt that he can't just get away with saying stuff like that. It is socially unacceptable and that has a far bigger impact on kids than any school sanctions. That said, I still think you should make it clear to the school that it is part of a pattern of behaviour so they can deal with the whole thing in context.

I agree it’s a disgusting thing to say and I think it needs to be addressed and dealt with in a way where he is made to think about what he said and how it made her feel and apologise (which is sounds like he has now done). Who knows what kind of background the boy comes from - is he exposed to this kind of language at home? I think it needs to be remembered he is still a child - not a grown man though, that’s not to say he should not be held to account but he is still
a child and that’s relevant. What I do find odd is the lack of comment on here about the fact that another girl thought it ok to smack him across his face - that is equally not ok! Imagine if a boy had done this to a girl? As far as I’m concerned she needs dealing with aswell. If I was this boys mother I would be absolutely appalled by what he said, but equally I would not have it that some girl smacks him across his face for his comment, she is more likely to be suspended than him and rightly so, she physically assaulted him.

@ShinyGreenElephant

I teach y6 and if one of my class made that comment they would absolutely be sent home. They're only one year older and I don't see why that would make it any better.

@mbosnz my daughter wants him gone out of the school ideally. Hes part of her wider friendship group and it will be difficult for her to entirely avoid him in future so she would like to at least not have to deal with him in school.

No wonder men turn out the way they do if boys are allowed to behave like this with no real consequences. Looks like I'll have to deal with his mum.

I also teach Y6. A child may well be internally excluded for this, they would not be externally excluded. Two points - as a teacher you should know that unless there’s a whole history with this boy he will not be permanently excluded. As a parent, you’re more than justified in dealing with his parents - whatever that means - but think about what outcome you want from it

Your post made it pretty clear you don't think this is a big deal or that any particular consequence should flow from it.

I think the boy should at the very least be excluded from lessons (put in isolation or whatever their school calls it) for a day or two, and the entire year group given some very clear lessons on the definitions of misogyny and harassment, making it clear misogyny is an offence and not tolerated either in school or outside of it.

Actually I’m rather amazed he has apologised and his peers have turned on him.

At my school the boys (and some of the girls) would’ve sniggered and the victim of the remark would’ve cried in the toilets at break time.

I actually think this is a sign that things are moving in the right direction.

Maybe teach your daughter some emotional resilience rather than encourage a huge drama over a nasty comment made by an immature boy. Boys (and girls) say horrible personal things to each other as teenagers. Should schools expel every child who makes a nasty comment?

Thanks HikeForward , I was beginning to fear no one else felt like me.

@ShinyGreenElephant

Just to clear a few things up - when I say 'deal with his mum' I obviously don't mean I'm going to go round and smack her, I mean I will speak to her about what happened, explain how upset DD is and how disappointed I am that he would treat her like that. If shes half the woman I think she is then she will be horrified and come down on him like a ton of bricks.

To those who have said that DDs friend could be in trouble, I hadn't considered that and will definitely bear that in mind before escalating this hugely. I do feel slightly calmer now as DD has had 2 messages off him apologising, a lot of messages of support and apparently his girlfriend has dumped him over it (I've told her to put her phone away as I don't want any back and forth on social media while emotions are still running high). I still don't feel its been taken seriously enough though - this time it was DD who he targeted who is confident and popular enough to stand up for herself, but next time it might not be.

And yes, it is a hate crime, misogyny is on a par with homophobia, racism and other kinds of bigotry and should be taken as seriously. While I've never had to send a y6 child home for a comment like this (its never come up), my interpretation of the school rules tells me that would be the correct course of action. I suppose high schools are different but its so bloody scary that boys are just allowed to behave like this, and explains a lot about why men behave so horribly as adults.

I don’t see it as a hate crime - yes it’s incredibly crude and offensive and whilst I don’t condone his comments in any way, he’s a still a child, albeit a childish and nasty one.

He needs speaking to in no uncertain terms that what he has said is completely unacceptable, and a suitable punishment applied. Excluding him is too much.

Kids are horrible, can't be too sensitive in this world. She should've come back with well shut your mouth your breath stinks.

@Grenlei

I physically assaulted one of my main school tormentors. It was the last time he ever sexually assaulted me and in hindsight I wished I'd hit him sooner because saying no, telling him to get off, getting upset and/ or angry never worked. I would have been fuming if I had been suspended for defending myself in that situation - which I accept is slightly different from the OPs but even so.

Of course you were absolutely right to defend yourself but that’s a bit different to slapping someone across face for saying something awful to a friend. I am also slightly concerned that this 12 year old boy is now being branded a “rapist in the making”. If my 12 year old said this I would be fuming with him and he would be punished at home as well as whatever had happened at school. And maybe this boy is all the things people who don’t know him have said about him on here but equally he could be a 12 year old boy who said something stupid

Horrible comment and parents just absolutely be informed as well as detention but I'm afraid your dd wanting him gone from the school is unrealistic so don't promise her that.

@Sirzy

School won’t tell you about punishment given to another pupil.

It was an awful comment but being suspended for one comment would be way over the top.

I agree. I do think you should write an email though. Copy in head teacher. Sum up what happened. This keeps paper record. This way if it happens again you keep mailing in the same email thread.

Op, he's not going to be excluded. You're right to be angry but that is not going to happen

Can anyone advise on what my next steps should be? I'll be putting it all in writing tomorrow once they contact me with how they've dealt with it. What if its not good enough? Governors? What can I realistically expect - I will 100% need an apology and I want him suspended but not sure they would even tell me if he was.

I'd expect "restorative justice" for the boy and your daughter - likely mutual apologies. And a suspension for your daughter's friend. You will not be told what happens to the boy or your daughter's friend but you will be told the matter has been handled.

Tbh, if you're genuinely friends with his mom, I think your expectations would have been better met by discussing it with your friend. I don't foresee the school providing a result that satisfies you as they cannot ignore the girls' physical and verbal reactions.

They're 12. It's a stupid comment, but they're 12. Is it acceptable? No.
But she's had an apology from him, he was told off, slapped in the face and dumped. What more do you want op?
Your Dd has loads of support as you have said. Have you thought about how it would effect her if he actually was suspended? It may be all well and good and she's backed at the moment, but I bet if he was removed from school, people would turn on her in an instant for getting him suspended. Kids are horrible like that, as you have seen today!! Not to mention the trouble her best friend will get in if he says he was smacked in the face.
I don't think 12 year olds understand misogyny- he's heard it somewhere, repeated it thinking he's funny, and learnt his lesson - quite harshly!
I think pursuing anymore punishment toward a 12 year old child would be extremely unnecessary.

@LocalHobo

Maybe teach your daughter some emotional resilience rather than encourage a huge drama over a nasty comment made by an immature boy. Boys (and girls) say horrible personal things to each other as teenagers. Should schools expel every child who makes a nasty comment?

Thanks HikeForward , I was beginning to fear no one else felt like me.

Yep me too. I had a boyfriend in year 8 who wanted to introduce me to his best mate. The best mate turned up, wouldn’t come over to me, and walked off. Apparently he told my bf that I was too ugly to speak to 🤪

No idea what he’s doing now but I would love to bump into him at some point 😂

As a parent of 2 sons I would have been furious if either ever made a comment of this nature, and if the school wanted to suspend, or give detentions or whatever I would have agreed. We would also have had some very serious conversations at home about harassment, women's rights, respect, etc.

Yes ladies, let’s all take misogynistic abuse lying down, not a big deal and not deserving of punishment. If the school won’t take this seriously then I would be massively, massively escalating it. This is so beyond the boundaries of ok.

YY to this. It's a repulsive comment conveying a repulsive attitude, and were this my son I would want to know about it so I could work on this behaviour at home.

It's less surprising to see so many enablers on this thread when you consider how short a time it takes, on threads where women are bravely detailing horrendous abuse they've suffered at the hands of men, for the 'NAMALT' protestors to show up. Really says something about how women have internalised this BS.

What some people also seem to be missing is that this isn't an isolated incident. It's a targeted campaign of bullying and abuse. Misogynistic abuse.

It should be taken extremely seriously. The attitude that 'boys will be boys' is not good enough.

I am really sorry that your DD has experienced this today. I’m glad that she has a good group of girl friends and I think you are right to challenge the school on their handling of the incident.

It is not grounds for a fixed-term exclusion, however.

@Meowchickameowmeow

Can you imagine if every 12-year old that said stupid shit was suspended?

A comment like that would land someone in isolation at my school. It is an absolutely disgusting thing to say and as a parent I would contact someone at the school without a doubt. No child should have to listen to stuff like that and it sounds like the boy concerned has serious ‘issues’.

Bullying and humilation is wrong in any form, so yes I would expect the school to be taking it seriously - having a word with him, reassuring your daughter and maybe holding an assembly on anti-bullying and the importance of 'being kind' to one another.

Honestly, it's a vile thing to say, but he's probably heard it from some older cockwomble - an older sibling, cousin, older friends etc and thought it would be a cool thing to say...well the fact he got a slap, and lynched by a group of peers, has taught him lesson enough.

Not making excuses, but teen boys can be horrible - I remember when I was at school and there would be similar insults as this thrown around "fishy fingers" "suck your mum" that kind of thing - not nice, but they must learn this stuff from somewhere...

@Grenlei

Your post made it pretty clear you don't think this is a big deal or that any particular consequence should flow from it.

I think the boy should at the very least be excluded from lessons (put in isolation or whatever their school calls it) for a day or two, and the entire year group given some very clear lessons on the definitions of misogyny and harassment, making it clear misogyny is an offence and not tolerated either in school or outside of it.

Ditto for the girl who physically assaulted him along with a lesson on how physical retaliation is unacceptable.

(There is a clear difference between violence in defence and this)

Vile comment and should receive detention and an apology etc and a discussion from a teacher about appropriate use of language.

More concerned about the friend that did the slapping. That's even worse to me. Physical violence is never the answer. She most likely should have a suspension.

Horrible but I think its par for the course in secondary schools....kids say horrid things.