Y7 disgusting comments

[ShinyGreenElephant]

I'm 99% sure I'm not being unreasonable here but I'm SO angry and could do with some perspective/ advice.

A boy in my DD12s class has said to her today "shut your legs, your fanny stinks". This was in front of a group of kids. Shes on her period today as well so it made her feel even more paranoid and she was really upset and humiliated. A few of the boys laughed half-heartedly (all her boy mates have since said he was out of order but none of them said it at the time) and all the girls who were there went mad at him, DDs best friend slapped him across the face. DD called him an ugly little rat and walked away before he saw her crying but was then very upset and sobbing to the other girls. Shes been friends with this boy for years but hes recently turned on her a bit after hes asked her out twice and she said no. Nothing like this though.

DD told a teacher who told him off, but he wasn't sent home and hasnt apologised. The school didn't inform me about the incident. Far as I'm concerned this is nowhere NEAR good enough - I've called them and told them as much and been told they will investigate and deal with it further.

Can anyone advise on what my next steps should be? I'll be putting it all in writing tomorrow once they contact me with how they've dealt with it. What if its not good enough? Governors? What can I realistically expect - I will 100% need an apology and I want him suspended but not sure they would even tell me if he was.

Any advice welcome even if its to tell me I'm over reacting. I'm actually friends with his mum but won't contact her tonight at least as I'm so angry I know I won't be able to handle it well.

Disgusting comment, your poor daughter.
What worries me is that her friend could come out of this the worst as technically she committed an assault. Perhaps, ridiculous as it seems, you need to have a conversation with your daughter and her friend about the upper hand they'll gain by not being physically violent.

I suppose high schools are different but its so bloody scary that boys are just allowed to behave like this, and explains a lot about why men behave so horribly as adults.

But they are not just 'allowed' to behave like that - schools do a lot of work with kids about bullying, respectful language etc. If their comment is reported, they are punished within what is appropriate for their age and the situation. But ultimately you can't stop kids from making nasty remarks. They have always done it and always will.

However much you try and educate them about being kind and respectful, with some of them it will fall on deaf ears. And some will behave that way because they are terrified of being a target if they don't.

Yes it's depressing, but expelling kids for a single remark isn't the solution. Besides, they would just get moved to another school and probably behave just the same.

Wow you really wanted his blood over it! Kids used to always make comments like this it's not personal! I'm sure he's embarrassed for saying this seeing as he's had so many punishments. Let it go!

Jesus Christ, we all talk about how there's so much mistreatment of women from men and they need to be taught better from a young age but the OP suggests his punishment wasn't really enough (I agree), but the OP gets told she's being OTT.

I despair.

What punishment do you think would be appropriate, @Couchbettato?

Exactly imalmost . It’s a nasty comment. I’ve heard it before. But excludable? No

@LocalHobo

Maybe teach your daughter some emotional resilience rather than encourage a huge drama over a nasty comment made by an immature boy. Boys (and girls) say horrible personal things to each other as teenagers. Should schools expel every child who makes a nasty comment?

Thanks HikeForward , I was beginning to fear no one else felt like me.

Haha how charming and funny! Oh no, don’t worry there are lots of women with attitudes like yours! I mean if there weren’t so many people with attitudes like that, where the hell would all the rapists and misogynists come from! Haha so funny, great bonding!

As someone who was bullied by boys and has had the same comments thrown at me when I was in school. I can say a a telling off by the teacher dosnt do Jack shit.
I wasn't as confident as OPs daughter. I didn't have anyone to stand up for me as I had very view real friends. I was the geeky girl who loved books and animals.

He needs atlest detention for a long time, he needs teaching a lesson!

I can safely say that kind of bullying has damaged me for life. I don't trust anyone, I constantly obess over how I smell or look. I used to go home crying or even cried in class whilst everyone laughed at me. Even though I am aware of my behaviours and am trying to curve them my anxiety is on high alert.

All because boys got away with this behaviour and their "Silly" comments. No OP is right to get more from this.

It was a vile comment and should be dealt with. However violence is never the answer. Obviously the school needs to investigate- the fact you don’t know this and instantly want to involve the governors makes me really doubt that you teach year 6.

I completedly agree this was an awful thing to say but I am mostly concerned for your daughter. This boy has been punished by her friend and its very lucky this friend was not in trouble for hitting someone. I think you need to tread carefully - if you make a huge deal of this everyone will be gossiping about it and she will be labelled for it. I think you need to find away to support your daughter without making things worse for her.

Why should we accept this is par for the course?

30 years ago people said that about casual racism.

Yet nothing has improved with misogyny.

How do those of you who are constantly calling for women to LTB because of ingrained misogyny square those views with this? Those shit, lazy entitled husbands, the blokes who shout insults at women in the street, the ones who do far worse...they were all kids once. Surely we owe our daughters better than allowing boys to grow up with these views unchallenged?

Surely we owe our daughters better than allowing boys to grow up with these views unchallenged?

They clearly haven't gone unchallenged.

Talk to the school, it may at least stop someone else being targeted in future. Your daughter did not hit anyone.

They clearly haven't gone unchallenged.

But they also need to be challenged by adults in authority - the school and his parents.

What an absolutely disgusting comment! What the hell is wrong with kids these days, using such awful language? On another point, why would a 12 year old boy be asking a 12 year old girl out? Much, much too young.

@Sirzy

A teacher who thinks it’s right for parents to go to other parents over things that have happened in school?

Suspension isn’t going to educate him, it isn’t going to change his way of thinking.

Perhaps because she is the parent here not the teacher?

Hm. Would a pupil be excluded for one nasty and public though non-threatening racist remark? That wasn't just a "stupid remark" that was a severely misogynist thing to say, whether he realised it or not. I for one would quite like to see schools treat that kind of remark as seriously as a racist insult and with similar consequences.

And whether schools see it as on a par with racism or not, I wouldn't be discussing racist remarks made about my child in school with the perpetrator's mother and I wouldn't think it was appropriate to do the same about misogynist remarks either.

Sorry this doesn't help you much OP, I'm not really being practical about things in the short term. But it is something that needs to change.

The suggestion that it's not personal - that doesn't make it better, if anything it's worse. He's made a misogyntic comment because he can, because she's female and he feels entitled to say things like that without fear of consequence...he sees her as something to be mocked. Whether he's heard it from older siblings, his father or other men, it will have come from somewhere.

@Wondermule

I do feel slightly calmer now as DD has had 2 messages off him apologising, a lot of messages of support and apparently his girlfriend has dumped him over it

This is better than any detention or telling off. Kids only care about the views of their peers at that age and he’s made himself look like a right idiot. Seems a proportionate punishment to me.

Tbh, I agree. I doubt any school sanctions are going to have a greater impact on him. Emotional punishment is not something the school can mete out. His peer group can and has done so. I'd also hazard that a self-directed apology to the OP's daughter is more meaningful than an enforced "apology" via the school.

What he said was out of order, it was a regular thing said at our school though (30 years ago). It was designed to shock and embarrass a debate student. My standard response was ‘no that’s your foul breath you can smell, better shut your mouth’ you daughter would be better thinking how this shows his immaturity and back up her decision not to date him. Can she think up some witty comments just to keep this lad down each time he tries to get a rise out of her rather than shying away. He got an emotional response which id what he wants .

Horrible comment and the kid should be dealt with - ideally being made to write a letter of apology and told why this is not an, acceptable comment to make, however you don't seem at all bothered about your daughter's friend assaulting him?

Your reaction is a way over the top.

I’ve read a few pages, and I’m shocked at the number of people playing this down. And more so, saying your DD’s friend should be punished. Really? We know that some boys and men turn on women when they are rejected. Do nothing, and this boy is on the fast track to being a vile misogynistic abuser in coming years. Punish the friend and the message is, “we’re female, we have to put up with this, no fighting back now”.

If I were you, I’d be creating the biggest noise about this I could.

@ShinyGreenElephant

Just to clear a few things up - when I say 'deal with his mum' I obviously don't mean I'm going to go round and smack her, I mean I will speak to her about what happened, explain how upset DD is and how disappointed I am that he would treat her like that. If shes half the woman I think she is then she will be horrified and come down on him like a ton of bricks.

To those who have said that DDs friend could be in trouble, I hadn't considered that and will definitely bear that in mind before escalating this hugely. I do feel slightly calmer now as DD has had 2 messages off him apologising, a lot of messages of support and apparently his girlfriend has dumped him over it (I've told her to put her phone away as I don't want any back and forth on social media while emotions are still running high). I still don't feel its been taken seriously enough though - this time it was DD who he targeted who is confident and popular enough to stand up for herself, but next time it might not be.

And yes, it is a hate crime, misogyny is on a par with homophobia, racism and other kinds of bigotry and should be taken as seriously. While I've never had to send a y6 child home for a comment like this (its never come up), my interpretation of the school rules tells me that would be the correct course of action. I suppose high schools are different but its so bloody scary that boys are just allowed to behave like this, and explains a lot about why men behave so horribly as adults.

Fantastic - year 6 teacher now condoning physical violence !

They are all in the wrong OP - they are 11/12 years old - they all need consequences and to learn the error of their ways . That is the only way this world will be come a better place or in 30 years time we will be talking about decades of mistreatment of men instead of women . Neither is right.

I have a daughter and would be horrified if this happened to her. I also have a year 7 son and would be equally disgusted if he did anything like this. However, boys this age are going through a surge of hormones, they make mistakes and push boundaries. A hand written apology should be given to your daughter but also the school has a responsibility to talk to this boy and educate him on how this behaviour is not appropriate and wrong. Even though the comment is disgusting, a suspension would be over the top. Also, let the school deal with mum first before you talk to her. As you are friends, she will contact you embarrassed and apologetic at her son’s behaviour.