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AIBU?

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Original poster

Y7 disgusting comments

999 replies

ShinyGreenElephant · 23/03/2021 16:14

I'm 99% sure I'm not being unreasonable here but I'm SO angry and could do with some perspective/ advice.

A boy in my DD12s class has said to her today "shut your legs, your fanny stinks". This was in front of a group of kids. Shes on her period today as well so it made her feel even more paranoid and she was really upset and humiliated. A few of the boys laughed half-heartedly (all her boy mates have since said he was out of order but none of them said it at the time) and all the girls who were there went mad at him, DDs best friend slapped him across the face. DD called him an ugly little rat and walked away before he saw her crying but was then very upset and sobbing to the other girls. Shes been friends with this boy for years but hes recently turned on her a bit after hes asked her out twice and she said no. Nothing like this though.

DD told a teacher who told him off, but he wasn't sent home and hasnt apologised. The school didn't inform me about the incident. Far as I'm concerned this is nowhere NEAR good enough - I've called them and told them as much and been told they will investigate and deal with it further.

Can anyone advise on what my next steps should be? I'll be putting it all in writing tomorrow once they contact me with how they've dealt with it. What if its not good enough? Governors? What can I realistically expect - I will 100% need an apology and I want him suspended but not sure they would even tell me if he was.

Any advice welcome even if its to tell me I'm over reacting. I'm actually friends with his mum but won't contact her tonight at least as I'm so angry I know I won't be able to handle it well.

OP posts:
Wondermule · 23/03/2021 17:43

These kinds of remarks were made every day when I was at school. I’m not undermining it as it must be incredibly embarrassing and upsetting, but is this really such an unusual occurrence? Sounds like she has great mates anyway, and the boy is just trying to redeem his wounded ego after she rejected him. Maybe if you know his parents and they’re reasonable people you could give them a quick call - he would be absolutely mortified if his parents knew what he had said I’m sure.

YukoandHiro · 23/03/2021 17:43

Do girls get excluded for slapping these days? I mean, they probably should. I'm not exactly disagreeing. Just reflecting that half my school would have been suspended if that had been the rule in my day (went to an all girls state school). I did it once myself too, after a friend drew all over my legs all afternoon and didn't respond to repeated warnings to stop.
Anyway, I'm pleased to see greater respect and boundaries are now expected in teen years and am hoping things will be altogether less confrontational in my dds' era (not yet there)

Vallmo47 · 23/03/2021 17:43

This is disgusting. That should have been an immediate detention for the boy.
I would let the mum know, but not until you’ve calmed down.

Suspension won’t happen.

FallenSky · 23/03/2021 17:44

@bendmeoverbackwards
Yes I absolutely do see it as saying something silly. Disgusting, abhorrent, vile but in the context of the age of the child, silly as well. He is very unlikely to understand the weight behind this comment. Which is why I think he should be made to apologise and educated by the school on why this type of behaviour and sexist, misogynistic comment is not acceptable. I have a 12 year old boy, I do my damn hardest to educate him, ask him to think before he speaks, ask himself whether he would like his mother or little sister to be treated that way. But there are a lot of boys who aren't being taught this. They aren't being educated at home. I don't think a suspension is the best option.

Original poster
ShinyGreenElephant · 23/03/2021 17:44

Just to clear a few things up - when I say 'deal with his mum' I obviously don't mean I'm going to go round and smack her, I mean I will speak to her about what happened, explain how upset DD is and how disappointed I am that he would treat her like that. If shes half the woman I think she is then she will be horrified and come down on him like a ton of bricks.

To those who have said that DDs friend could be in trouble, I hadn't considered that and will definitely bear that in mind before escalating this hugely. I do feel slightly calmer now as DD has had 2 messages off him apologising, a lot of messages of support and apparently his girlfriend has dumped him over it (I've told her to put her phone away as I don't want any back and forth on social media while emotions are still running high). I still don't feel its been taken seriously enough though - this time it was DD who he targeted who is confident and popular enough to stand up for herself, but next time it might not be.

And yes, it is a hate crime, misogyny is on a par with homophobia, racism and other kinds of bigotry and should be taken as seriously. While I've never had to send a y6 child home for a comment like this (its never come up), my interpretation of the school rules tells me that would be the correct course of action. I suppose high schools are different but its so bloody scary that boys are just allowed to behave like this, and explains a lot about why men behave so horribly as adults.

OP posts:
ChloeCrocodile · 23/03/2021 17:45

If the OP had said that the friend who slapped the boy who made the comment was male, not female, I wonder it posters would still be saying that it was suspension worthy?

Absolutely I would. Violence has no place in schools whatsoever.

SoupDragon · 23/03/2021 17:45

I think being slapped and verbally abused by a group of girls might have taught him his lesson.

YukoandHiro · 23/03/2021 17:45

@Tonty the things out double standards is that in general female violence (while utterly unacceptable) does not come with an underlying possible threat of being murdered. That's why the double standard exists, and in my kind it's understandable - especially given recent events.
Men worry women will laugh at them; women worry men will kill them.

YukoandHiro · 23/03/2021 17:46

Ugh autocorrect hell. But you get the rough gist

trizzler69 · 23/03/2021 17:46

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

HikeForward · 23/03/2021 17:46

my daughter wants him gone out of the school ideally. Hes part of her wider friendship group and it will be difficult for her to entirely avoid him in future so she would like to at least not have to deal with him in school

She wants him expelled for one silly insult? That’s not going to happen.

Maybe teach your daughter some emotional resilience rather than encourage a huge drama over a nasty comment made by an immature boy. Boys (and girls) say horrible personal things to each other as teenagers. Should schools expel every child who makes a nasty comment?

nicknamehelp · 23/03/2021 17:47

Why a teacher having a good talking to isn't good enough I really can't understand? He's made 1 comment surely a teacher explaining this is not acceptable and to watch what he says in future is adequate for this level of bad behaviour. 1 ill judged comment does not need a heavy handed punishment. All need educating in what is acceptable behaviour but 1 comment is not going to mean this boy turns into a sex pest/rapist.

meemaww · 23/03/2021 17:47

@Flowerlane

This boy should not be excluded or sent home. Yes he said something wrong and should apologise but anything more is over the top.

The girl who slapped him round the face should be excluded and would be at our school. There is no need for violence under any circumstances. She overstepped the Mark and should be dealt with.

This 👆🏻 It also would be good if the school could give a PSHE talk to the boys (and girls!) about respect for others.
YukoandHiro · 23/03/2021 17:47

I agree fully @FallenSky

HopeClearwater · 23/03/2021 17:47

@Meowchickameowmeow

Can you imagine if every 12-year old that said stupid shit was suspended?

It would be great, wouldn’t it?

Or have you got sons?

Grenlei · 23/03/2021 17:47

@Wondermule yes these comments were made all the time when I was at school. Just like kids who were Asian or Black were called P, C, etc. Those comments are absolutely unacceptable nowadays - quite rightly - on race grounds. So why are misogynistic or sexually harassing comments still ok?

Alsohuman · 23/03/2021 17:48

@Oooohbehave

Total over the top reaction from you OP. Boy said a disgusting comment, got slapped and put in his place. Job done.
This. That slap will be more effective than any discipline the school inflicts.
IEat · 23/03/2021 17:48

He wouldn’t be sent home because of a remark like that.
Chances are he was trying to be funny and has heard it from someone else.
He got in trouble for the comment.
Anything other than that is a no. I’d be concerned that one of her friends thought it was ok to slap the boy.

Wondermule · 23/03/2021 17:48

[quote Grenlei]**@Wondermule* yes these comments were made all the time when I was at school. Just like kids who were Asian or Black were called P, C*, etc. Those comments are absolutely unacceptable nowadays - quite rightly - on race grounds. So why are misogynistic or sexually harassing comments still ok?[/quote]
I didn’t say they were. What would you suggest in terms of a punishment?

KurtWilde · 23/03/2021 17:49

OP so you don't want your DDs friend to get into any kind of trouble for physically assaulting a fellow student?

Tonty · 23/03/2021 17:50

@YukoandHiro

Do girls get excluded for slapping these days? I mean, they probably should. I'm not exactly disagreeing. Just reflecting that half my school would have been suspended if that had been the rule in my day (went to an all girls state school). I did it once myself too, after a friend drew all over my legs all afternoon and didn't respond to repeated warnings to stop. Anyway, I'm pleased to see greater respect and boundaries are now expected in teen years and am hoping things will be altogether less confrontational in my dds' era (not yet there)
@YukoandHiro So, OP's DD's friend thought the boy was going to kill her friend? Hmm
screamingfromtherooftops · 23/03/2021 17:51

He made a stupid comment, he was reprimanded for it. Why take it to the governors or push for suspension?

Will you also be naming and shaming her friend who physically assaulted him in your letter to the governors and asking for her to be suspended too?

Unfortunately in school, loads of students say silly comments. There’d be hardly any students left if all were suspended. Not saying it’s a good thing but it’s a life lesson... Some people are shit. You can’t cry about it and you can’t go around hitting people either.

Maybe work on your daughter’s confidence when on her period. Have you been reminding her to change her pad/tampon frequently? Ensuring she knows that she doesn’t smell, but if necessary allowing access to body sprays so she feels like self conscious.

Tonty · 23/03/2021 17:51

@KurtWilde

OP so you don't want your DDs friend to get into any kind of trouble for physically assaulting a fellow student?
Apparently not. It's okay, we'll keep quiet about that one!
Sirzy · 23/03/2021 17:51

As much as school and home should deal with it it sounds very much like this situation is being resolved by his peers which will probably get the message across to him how unacceptable it is more than adults will.

Wondermule · 23/03/2021 17:51

I do feel slightly calmer now as DD has had 2 messages off him apologising, a lot of messages of support and apparently his girlfriend has dumped him over it

This is better than any detention or telling off. Kids only care about the views of their peers at that age and he’s made himself look like a right idiot. Seems a proportionate punishment to me.

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