Y7 disgusting comments

[ShinyGreenElephant]

I'm 99% sure I'm not being unreasonable here but I'm SO angry and could do with some perspective/ advice.

A boy in my DD12s class has said to her today "shut your legs, your fanny stinks". This was in front of a group of kids. Shes on her period today as well so it made her feel even more paranoid and she was really upset and humiliated. A few of the boys laughed half-heartedly (all her boy mates have since said he was out of order but none of them said it at the time) and all the girls who were there went mad at him, DDs best friend slapped him across the face. DD called him an ugly little rat and walked away before he saw her crying but was then very upset and sobbing to the other girls. Shes been friends with this boy for years but hes recently turned on her a bit after hes asked her out twice and she said no. Nothing like this though.

DD told a teacher who told him off, but he wasn't sent home and hasnt apologised. The school didn't inform me about the incident. Far as I'm concerned this is nowhere NEAR good enough - I've called them and told them as much and been told they will investigate and deal with it further.

Can anyone advise on what my next steps should be? I'll be putting it all in writing tomorrow once they contact me with how they've dealt with it. What if its not good enough? Governors? What can I realistically expect - I will 100% need an apology and I want him suspended but not sure they would even tell me if he was.

Any advice welcome even if its to tell me I'm over reacting. I'm actually friends with his mum but won't contact her tonight at least as I'm so angry I know I won't be able to handle it well.

If the girl who slapped him isn't appropriately punished too, then the school will be condoning female violence towards men. A very clear message needs to be sent here to ALL parties involved.

@Onjnmoeiejducwoapy you've read a lot into what I said there that I simply didn't say. Of course it's sexism, of course he should be punished.

But abusers will are often protected by institutions and my suggestion was that this parent teach her daughter how to identify negging and other red flags and stand up to sexism now, herself. And not to expect any system to protect her instead. We know it won't.

I have not said we should give lads a free pass on this.

If the OP had said that the friend who slapped the boy who made the comment was male, not female, I wonder it posters would still be saying that it was suspension worthy? Or would they be saying boys say and do stupid shit, you should just give them both a talking to.

Violence is of course not the right approach to resolving issues but given the CONTEXT of the incident, it would be appalling to see the OP's friend suspended for standing up to misogyny and the boy using the misogynistic language given only a 'talking to'. Message to kids? Misogyny is alive and well and if you're female, don't you DARE stand up to it.

I am so depressed at the number of posters who don't see that if we don't educate young men to do better and be better, we can't expect attitudes to women to change. We need to be having more conversations with men and boys to ensure that they see women as equals, not domestic and sexual service providers. And we need to be able to recognise that internalised misogyny in women is widespread too.

And more broadly I was saying this isn't the last time someone will be utterly rude to the OP's daughter and a call to the governors every time will be fruitless.

@Newbuildproblems

Awful comment from the boy, definitely agree. However, do you believe the friend who slapped him should be excluded too? Given the choice, I would 100% exclude your daughter's friend over the boy. What if in response to your daughter's insult, one of his male friends slapped her? I imagine this would be a very different thread if that happened.

Boy should receive detention and female friend suspended. Physical violence is never acceptable, even in these circumstances

...and here we have it! Vile, sexual harassment of women is meh, is something we just need to learn to shut up and take. Who cares if he’s in training to be mummy’s little rapist, thinking he can just do this to women without consequence? Bless him!

The assault is far, far worse than the silly comment.

You absolutely must take it further. After all the stuff in the news this week about the sexual assaults and harassment of teenage girls by teenage boys they know, why wouldn’t you?

@ShinyGreenElephant - It’s strange how you’re focusing on this boys behaviour but completely dismissing your daughters and her friends behaviour to the situation as well?
Why is it ok for your daughter and her friend to verbally abuse him and slap him?
Should they be excluded too?

I can remember the lad who said this kind of shit to me at school was only made to write a letter of apology (and my form tutor was all “he’s a nice boy really” 🤮). Wasn’t worth the paper it was written on.

Yes agree @Newbuildproblems

[quote YukoandHiro]@Onjnmoeiejducwoapy you've read a lot into what I said there that I simply didn't say. Of course it's sexism, of course he should be punished.

But abusers will are often protected by institutions and my suggestion was that this parent teach her daughter how to identify negging and other red flags and stand up to sexism now, herself. And not to expect any system to protect her instead. We know it won't.

I have not said we should give lads a free pass on this.
[/quote]
Honestly have no words for you and your attitude. If she’s sexually assaulted at work, is she allowed to report that? Or does she just need to learn how to manage how much it affects her? Do you really not understand how this attitude is helping to make monsters?

@KurtWilde

If the girl who slapped him isn't appropriately punished too, then the school will be condoning female violence towards men. A very clear message needs to be sent here to ALL parties involved.

This.

Of course he shouldn’t be suspended or excluded for saying a stupid thing. I once asked a boy if his balls had dropped yet. Should I have been excluded? Kids say stupid this. He should be dealt with and apologise but her best mate needs to be dealt with more so for violence. Totally unacceptable.

The problem with the people minimising his behaviour is that he is only in Yr 7 and if it isn't stamped on with a heavy dose of reeducation now he is likely to get worse. This link is from another thread and is pretty uncomfortable reading but this is what happens when a school doesn't take misogyny seriously.
drive.google.com/file/d/1mORNC1ETjLCJc-6Hq10o8dURvcdhPn6S/view?fbclid=IwAR2qXI90wLFBsYahtiZ6afltE6Mwjj7Ibk00BYk4K_Y3XcW6y28fLZ0PjS4

I physically assaulted one of my main school tormentors. It was the last time he ever sexually assaulted me and in hindsight I wished I'd hit him sooner because saying no, telling him to get off, getting upset and/ or angry never worked. I would have been fuming if I had been suspended for defending myself in that situation - which I accept is slightly different from the OPs but even so.

I doubt they will be but I really hope his parents are told!!! I would want to know if my son said something so vile so I could educate him!!!

Wow! Are you ok? You think that physically slapping someone across the face is acceptable and one comment means he will grow up to be a potential rapist? Absolutely batshit. It scares me that people like you are walking this earth. Might as well lock him up and throw away the key as he's bound to be a rapist and/or serial killer.

@thedancingbear

The assault is far, far worse than the silly comment.

Says the bloke

Those PP who are suggesting this boy would be happy with a suspension in order to get out of school, or that this is learned behaviour from parents who would seek revenge: you are making assumptions that this boy is different from other boys- he most likely isn’t (and OP has indicated she knows at least one of his parents). Sanctions work for the majority of children- there shouldn’t be any reason they wouldn’t work for him.

Personally I think he needs wiping the floor with but suspension, leaving the school - really? They are kids and girls as well as boys say the most vile things. Think back to when you were at school. I think it is a massive over reaction and you need to think about the repercussions. If this lad gets expelled and your daughter is seen as being responsible wouldn’t t that make things worse for her? I would expect an apology and I would expect him to feel consequences but it sounds like you are trying destroy him. Too far...

Ilovegreentomatoes Personally, I don't mind if the OP is a troll or if this is a real story. Things like this are happening daily and I think it's so important that we talk about it. I might not agree with every poster, but I've seen enough to know that other people care about it and want it to get better and that's heartening.

It was a disgusting misogynist remark, and the boy should be punished and spoken to very seriously about this by both the school and his parents.

However, a 12yo child will not be expelled or suspended over one comment, regardless of what that comment was (racist, misogynist, or offensive in other ways). Schools have policies and procedures, which they have to follow regardless of whether a parent demands to see the Head or 'refuses to take no for an answer'. You don't get to refuse to take no for an answer - you have no control over the school's policy.

@Newbuildproblems

Wow! Are you ok? You think that physically slapping someone across the face is acceptable and one comment means he will grow up to be a potential rapist? Absolutely batshit. It scares me that people like you are walking this earth. Might as well lock him up and throw away the key as he's bound to be a rapist and/or serial killer.

This was supposed to be in response to the poster who said he's a trainee rapist 🤦🏻‍♀️

Total over the top reaction from you OP. Boy said a disgusting comment, got slapped and put in his place. Job done.

To answer the question in your op... your next steps are waiting to hear from the school about about the outcome of their investigation and what sanctions will be given.

And supporting your dd, of course, that's a really horrible experience at any age let alone puberty.

In terms of sanctions, it will depend on their behaviour policy. A sexist remark at my child's school would definitely involve detention and making him write something about how wrong his remark was. I wouldn't be insisting that he apologise to your dd - that will focus his resentment on her.

I imagine that the behaviour policy takes a stronger line with physical violence but, again, at my child's school mitigating factors like sexism, racism, homophobia etc are taken into account when issuing sanctions. Physical violence is taken very seriously by schools though, quite rightly.

I do think the school should follow their beh

The boy should be made to apologise to your DD and rather than being suspended, find some other worthy punishment to give him within school grounds e.g toilet cleaning. Suitably humbling for him.

DD's friend should also be punished for slapping him. We cannot take matters into our own hands no matter how annoyed we are. What she did was physical assault and I'd be surprised if the boy's mum doesn't come marching down to the school as well. If the situation were reversed and OP's DD had said something similarly disgusting to a boy, whose friend then got up and slapped her, no one here would be saying, 'it's understandable'. Double standards!