Y7 disgusting comments

[ShinyGreenElephant]

I'm 99% sure I'm not being unreasonable here but I'm SO angry and could do with some perspective/ advice.

A boy in my DD12s class has said to her today "shut your legs, your fanny stinks". This was in front of a group of kids. Shes on her period today as well so it made her feel even more paranoid and she was really upset and humiliated. A few of the boys laughed half-heartedly (all her boy mates have since said he was out of order but none of them said it at the time) and all the girls who were there went mad at him, DDs best friend slapped him across the face. DD called him an ugly little rat and walked away before he saw her crying but was then very upset and sobbing to the other girls. Shes been friends with this boy for years but hes recently turned on her a bit after hes asked her out twice and she said no. Nothing like this though.

DD told a teacher who told him off, but he wasn't sent home and hasnt apologised. The school didn't inform me about the incident. Far as I'm concerned this is nowhere NEAR good enough - I've called them and told them as much and been told they will investigate and deal with it further.

Can anyone advise on what my next steps should be? I'll be putting it all in writing tomorrow once they contact me with how they've dealt with it. What if its not good enough? Governors? What can I realistically expect - I will 100% need an apology and I want him suspended but not sure they would even tell me if he was.

Any advice welcome even if its to tell me I'm over reacting. I'm actually friends with his mum but won't contact her tonight at least as I'm so angry I know I won't be able to handle it well.

@Bloodypunkrockers thats what I struggle with if the OP is a teacher she would be a bit more savvy on how suspensions work and what another parent could be told.
She would also be award that hitting is not tolerated in schools no matter what
Technically the boys parents could also report for assault as well

@KurtWilde has written the best post in here which makes perfect sense

donewithitall and if girls are using inappropriate language they should be dealt with too. Let’s not turn this into a what about the poor boys! The language boys use towards girls in school is often very threatening and has been minimised plus so many other things like sitting difficult boys next to compliant girls which essentially makes the girls responsible for managing the boys behaviour.

In answer to your question I work in a secondary school.

[quote MNWorldisCrazy]@catpoooffender

1. I'm not saying he should only be suspended BECAUSE OP kicked off, I'm saying that's what the school should be doing anyway.

1. If you read my comments, you'll see I've said that the slapping friend should also be suspended.

People get raped &/or murdered every day in this country but that doesn't make it ok! What an appalling thing to say [/quote]
I haven't read all of your comments.

Your final sentence is bizarre. I didn't say anything was 'ok'. My point was that you'd be scapegoating this one boy despite the fact that it is a very common (albeit unacceptable) behaviour, just because of the circumstances.

It's a ridiculous comparison you've drawn but I'll go with it. There are existing and very well known legal repercussions for rapes and murder. If you're going to start suspending children for making horrible comments like this (and I don't disagree with the principle) then you need them to understand this in advance. They need to understand how seriously the school will take it.

@KittyMcKitty

I think we’ve been minimising / excusing verbal and physical assaults on women and girls that it has just become “part of life” in schools. Similar racist language would (quite rightly) not be allowed and would be dealt with very seriously so why is misogynistic abuse deemed ok and why can’t girls rely on schools to create a safe, respectful place for girls to learn? For too long this has been minimised and it needs to stop.

No one is minimising it. The issue is the bizarre paradox that the OP wants the kid suspended for his comment whilst she treats the girl who slapped him to a nice meal out.

@KittyMcKitty if you work in a school then you will also know that slapping isn't tolerated either
I am not making it poor boys at all but a lot have ignored the slapping and boys don't always report what is said to them.
Surely its about teaching everyone respect
Are you a teacher also ?

[quote donewithitalltodayandxmas]@KittyMcKitty if you work in a school then you will also know that slapping isn't tolerated either
I am not making it poor boys at all but a lot have ignored the slapping and boys don't always report what is said to them.
Surely its about teaching everyone respect
Are you a teacher also ?
[/quote]
I didn’t say slapping was tolerated? The girl who slapped should be dealt with in accordance with the behaviour policy obviously?!? No I’m not a teacher- why?

@KittyMcKitty difficult boys also get sat next to boys , I know this to be true as my ds always had the lets say challenging ones sat next to him as he is quiet and won't respond etc
No one is minimising but days of suspension expected by the op yet rewarding the violent behaviour by an apparent teacher , that concerns me

catpoooffender I think the girl shiukd be dealt with in accordance to the behaviour policy- which tbf the boy should as it will cover offensive/ threatening language I should imagine.

Where on earth would a 12 year old learn to think and speak like that! It's not a good sign at all.

@QuestionEverythingOrBeASheep

Where on earth would a 12 year old learn to think and speak like that! It's not a good sign at all.

I would say likely the internet, but people went round saying stuff like this when I was at school which was before it took off. It was mostly other girls being nasty to eachother though rather than boys. Grim either way.

[quote donewithitalltodayandxmas]@KittyMcKitty difficult boys also get sat next to boys , I know this to be true as my ds always had the lets say challenging ones sat next to him as he is quiet and won't respond etc
No one is minimising but days of suspension expected by the op yet rewarding the violent behaviour by an apparent teacher , that concerns me [/quote]
As I’ve said I no way condone the girl slapping the boy - the school will have a clear behaviour policy which covers both the language the boy used and the slap - they need to implement it.

For as long as adults ignore abusive language it will allow those using it to carry on. Tge “I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that” comments. I know it’s exhausting to always have to pick up on things but it’s the only way forward.

Still confused re question as to whether I’m a teacher?

^ I’m still confused

Have you been in a school recently ?
Girls can be quite nasty and say horrible things to the boys as well
It doesn't always have to be boys v girls or men v women

I went to an all girls' school so I know girls can be really nasty to other girls.

But the point remains that about 99% of violent crime is carried out by men, and probably even more of the sexual crime.

Girls being nasty to boys will affect their mental health and needs to be dealt with but it is still a different issue.

Haven’t rtft yet, but I think the reaction to the friend slapping the boy is interesting. Why do girls slap boys, and why do authority figures turn a blind eye?

Well, in the first instance, it’s something that’s modelled in hundreds of films and TV series. Guy behaves like a tool? Slap. It’s a common trope. Some guys even take it as a compliment (I got attention!).

In the second instance, what happens when girls report bad behaviour? Nothing. Or very little - see rape conviction levels, and the responses on this thread about how she should just suck it up and build her resilience.

In the third, again, slaps are painful but unlikely to cause lasting damage, especially from girls to boys. I’m not condoning violence, but slaps don’t generally break bones or knock out teeth, for example.

I think the friend in this situation slapped because she knew nothing much would be done to him by authority figures, and she also knew that it was an accepted social solution to male arseholery, and she knew she wasn’t going to do permanent damage. Slapping someone is about the only socially acceptable way women have of showing anger. I don’t think it’s as bad as the original insult. If all things were equal and she hit someone for saying mean things, she’d be in the wrong. But they aren’t equal.

@QuestionEverythingOrBeASheep

Where on earth would a 12 year old learn to think and speak like that! It's not a good sign at all.

Adults and adolescents have been flinging around insults like this for thousands of years. Doesn't make it in any way acceptable but it's not exactly novel.

@TooExtraImmatureCheddar

Haven’t rtft yet, but I think the reaction to the friend slapping the boy is interesting. Why do girls slap boys, and why do authority figures turn a blind eye?

Well, in the first instance, it’s something that’s modelled in hundreds of films and TV series. Guy behaves like a tool? Slap. It’s a common trope. Some guys even take it as a compliment (I got attention!).

In the second instance, what happens when girls report bad behaviour? Nothing. Or very little - see rape conviction levels, and the responses on this thread about how she should just suck it up and build her resilience.

In the third, again, slaps are painful but unlikely to cause lasting damage, especially from girls to boys. I’m not condoning violence, but slaps don’t generally break bones or knock out teeth, for example.

I think the friend in this situation slapped because she knew nothing much would be done to him by authority figures, and she also knew that it was an accepted social solution to male arseholery, and she knew she wasn’t going to do permanent damage. Slapping someone is about the only socially acceptable way women have of showing anger. I don’t think it’s as bad as the original insult. If all things were equal and she hit someone for saying mean things, she’d be in the wrong. But they aren’t equal.

The friend didn't slap because of any preconceptions about the way the teachers would deal with it. She slapped because she was emotional and angry.

How do you know she didn’t have preconceptions about how it would be dealt with? Most people react in the moment without thinking logically, yes, but they also do it within accepted parameters (mostly). If my 6yo steps on my foot painfully I might scream. I wouldn’t punch him in the face no matter how much he hurt me. I would react without thinking, but within my personal lines. That’s what I mean.

@TooExtraImmatureCheddar

How do you know she didn’t have preconceptions about how it would be dealt with? Most people react in the moment without thinking logically, yes, but they also do it within accepted parameters (mostly). If my 6yo steps on my foot painfully I might scream. I wouldn’t punch him in the face no matter how much he hurt me. I would react without thinking, but within my personal lines. That’s what I mean.

If she had sat down and thought for a while about whether the relevant authorities would respond appropriately before slapping him, that would make it even worse. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt. But throwing supposed preconceptions into the mix doesn't help - it just excuses her behaviour.

A domestic abuser might say he/she only lashed out because they know their victim just won't listen otherwise.

I think it’s more akin to a black person punching someone white who called them something racist. There’s systemic inequality in this situation.

[quote Hamhockandmash]@bendmeoverbackwards oh that’s okay then, as long as she was ‘enraged’. Maybe when she gets older and she is ‘enraged’ that her boyfriend looked at another woman she can give him a smack. Or when he husband doesn’t do as he is told she can give him a damn good smacking too.

This thread is the pits. I’m so angry because I’ve seen female on male violence. It was 20 years ago and the attitude was ‘men can’t hurt women’ so to see women on here STILL pushing this bullshit is just beyond comprehension. I have to leave this thread in so frustrated. I hope none of your sons ever have to go through DV.[/quote]
My ex DIL punched my son in the face when he had a 2 year old on his lap and a new born in his arms. According to some on here he must have deserved it because he's male. He had more control than the OP's DD's friend as he didn't punch her back.

@TooExtraImmatureCheddar

I think it’s more akin to a black person punching someone white who called them something racist. There’s systemic inequality in this situation.

Except he didn't say anything to the girl who slapped him.

🙄 I am certainly not minimising any violence but let’s not make this all what about the men / namalt

The school needs to take this stuff extremely seriously and I would raise it not only as an horrible experience for your daughter, but also in the context of the national conversation over the past couple of weeks about abuse of women. This is where it starts, and boys need to be taught that this kind of language and behaviour is absolutely not OK.

The one good thing about this story is that the girls did their bit to send them that message (not condoning the slap obvs) and rallied round your daughter.

@TooExtraImmatureCheddar

I think it’s more akin to a black person punching someone white who called them something racist. There’s systemic inequality in this situation.

It's not ok for a 12 year old girl to slap a 12 year old boy because of systemic inequality in the world around them.