Y7 disgusting comments

[ShinyGreenElephant]

I'm 99% sure I'm not being unreasonable here but I'm SO angry and could do with some perspective/ advice.

A boy in my DD12s class has said to her today "shut your legs, your fanny stinks". This was in front of a group of kids. Shes on her period today as well so it made her feel even more paranoid and she was really upset and humiliated. A few of the boys laughed half-heartedly (all her boy mates have since said he was out of order but none of them said it at the time) and all the girls who were there went mad at him, DDs best friend slapped him across the face. DD called him an ugly little rat and walked away before he saw her crying but was then very upset and sobbing to the other girls. Shes been friends with this boy for years but hes recently turned on her a bit after hes asked her out twice and she said no. Nothing like this though.

DD told a teacher who told him off, but he wasn't sent home and hasnt apologised. The school didn't inform me about the incident. Far as I'm concerned this is nowhere NEAR good enough - I've called them and told them as much and been told they will investigate and deal with it further.

Can anyone advise on what my next steps should be? I'll be putting it all in writing tomorrow once they contact me with how they've dealt with it. What if its not good enough? Governors? What can I realistically expect - I will 100% need an apology and I want him suspended but not sure they would even tell me if he was.

Any advice welcome even if its to tell me I'm over reacting. I'm actually friends with his mum but won't contact her tonight at least as I'm so angry I know I won't be able to handle it well.

@Onjnmoeiejducwoapy

I really wonder what has gone wrong for some women to think that men being sexually abusive to women is ok or just not a big deal, and that it doesn’t even merit talking about. To think that the biggest, most worrying societal issue we face is a girl defending a bullies girl physically, as opposed to the sexual bullying. You do realise that people are more likely to react physically because of people like you, who don’t think the boys should face any other, more suitable consequences?

If we minused the slap, said it never happened—would it just be “get over it girls, boys will be boys”? Just take it, meh they’ll do worse to you in the future!

I've never once said the DD should 'get over it'. Nor have I condoned the boy's comment. But some people on this thread would hang draw and quarter a 12 year old boy, label him a misogynist, apply adult thinking to an immature brain, and completely overlook the fact that the DDs friend was EQUALLY in the wrong for slapping him. We want EQUALITY, right? So why are we only persecuting the boy in this scenario and not the girl too? She has just as much chance of growing up abusing her boyfriend - if she's allowed to think a slap is fine when someone offends her - than the boy is of growing up continuing to verbally abuse women!!

Perhaps the girl would not have needed to retaliate if she believed her friend would have got some justice within the system.

[quote KurtWilde]@TrialOfStyle but OP DID reward the girl for her assault on the boy, regardless of not being her parent, she celebrated the fact that her daughters friend had assaulted a boy because she was offended on her behalf! OP therefore condoned the violence. [/quote]
The OP is not responsible for punishing the DD’s friend. None of that is actually relevant to the original post and has been used as a way to derail the thread. The question is whether he should receive a different punishment - which he should, in line with whatever the school does for other hate crimes. I don’t know what secondary shouldn’t do but I hope it’s more than a quiet telling off and some mass education is put in place.

I would be interested to know what you think about the above without more ‘whataboutary’.

@TrialOfStyle I haven't used any whataboutery I've stated what the OP posted - and was very proud of herself for actually. OP posted it therefore it's relevant.

They’re 12! It’s an awful thing to say. I’m sure his parents would be furious. He needs to be spoken to about what he’s said definitely, But they are 12 years old FGS 🙄

@KurtWilde - 100% agree. The world is slowly going mad.

@TrialOfStyle no she isn’t responsible for punishing the friends action but she CELEBRATED it. She is telling those girls that that behaviour is acceptable and it isn’t. Both children should be punished and neither should be rewarded, but the OP Is rewarding the friend. She is telling her when a man says something you don’t like, hitting him is acceptable.

You are going to be very disappointed over the next 5 years if you think the school go to the extreme of sending kids home and more for making comments like this. Sounds like the kids dealt with it themselves rather well but you seem to want blood

I don’t think it is a “hate” crime.

It was a sexualised crude and vulgar insult. The best punishment would be washing his mouth out with soap (does this only happen in stories?!) but more realistically a detention, with a strong lecture about using such language and how it is absolutely unacceptable on school premises (and anywhere else, come to that). Any further reports of this will result in more severe action.

The DD’s friend should also be in detention for physical violence, with it being noted that if she ever does this again the consequences will be worse.

The OP’s dd should be told to avoid these two from now on. She is not on a great pathway with compatriots like this.

[quote KurtWilde]@TrialOfStyle I haven't used any whataboutery I've stated what the OP posted - and was very proud of herself for actually. OP posted it therefore it's relevant. [/quote]
Unless I'm mistaken, your first post on this was 'yeah, but what about the slap' BEFORE OP had in anyway condoned it. She'd only referenced it at that point - and as I say, OP is not responsible for that altercation. That is between DD's friend/friend's family, the school and the boy/the boy's family.

What is the topic of discussion here is what the boy said the OP's DD and how that should be treated. And as mentioned, it WOULD be treated as misogyny which is a hate crime when I am. I am interested in your opinion of just that.

Can you imagine if every 12-year old that said stupid shit was suspended?

If it was a racist comment he would have been suspended, why is this different?

@TrialOfStyle I've already repeatedly said in my posts that I do not condone what the boy said and it's clear I think it's a shitty comment. But you're now using 'whataboutery' by asking how I'd feel if the slap hadn't have happened. It's irrelevant because the slap DID happen.

The word misogyny is thrown around on this board so much these days that people seem to have forgotten what it actually means. One shitty comment by an immature lad does not mean he has an ingrained prejudice towards women or that he hates them.

Look again at exactly what he said. What was that remark if not misogynist? We can't see inside people's heads and one racist remark does not mean ingrained racial prejudice or hatred of other races either, but allowing people to throw around racist insults does lead to ingrained prejudice and creates a hateful atmosphere for the victims. That's why schools treat shitty racist remarks more seriously than other shitty remarks. They should treat shitty misogynist remarks as seriously for the same reason.

When I was in year 7 , people who shoving each other around, throwing punches/slaps, throwing things at others, as well as swearing and insulting other students using absolute disgusting words on a regular basis. And this was a grammar school as well.

I dont think 1 line is worth getting so worked up over in comparison.

@MiscUser9823

When I was in year 7 , people who shoving each other around, throwing punches/slaps, throwing things at others, as well as swearing and insulting other students using absolute disgusting words on a regular basis. And this was a grammar school as well.

I dont think 1 line is worth getting so worked up over in comparison.

Oh that’s ok then, we’ll just ignore the issues because it was accepted in the olden days FFS

@sashh

Can you imagine if every 12-year old that said stupid shit was suspended?

If it was a racist comment he would have been suspended, why is this different?

Rofl, I was called a p* more than several dozen times when I was at school. No one even got in trouble, as it was always my word against theirs. And guess who got the benefit if the doubt....?

Even worse, on around 4 or 5 occasions I would go to teachers to ask them to help or get other students to stop annoying me. And you know what I was told...? To stop messing around and be quiet...

@bendmeoverbackwards This was between 2000 to 2007.

Horrible thing to say, but he’s 12 not even a teen yet, he could’ve heard an older sibling or relative say it and not even know really what it means. He doesn’t have a mature adult brain yet and no one should be physically hurt at school

I don’t believe you’re a year six primary teacher.

Celebrating the slapping of him! Wtf!

He was wrong to say it, but remember he is a child too. He has faced the consequences with the strong reaction from his peers which will be much more powerful than any detention. Asking for suspension would be OTT.

He has hopefully learned his lesson and is apologising repeatedly. Has your dd accepted his apology? I'm sure if your dd screwed up (as all teenagers do) you would hope someone would accept her apology.

@sashh

Can you imagine if every 12-year old that said stupid shit was suspended?

If it was a racist comment he would have been suspended, why is this different?

It’s not different is it?

And people get annoyed with street harassment and men making sexual comments at them. But clearly these two things are in no way linked.

This is a disgusting comment, If I was the boys Mum I would 100% want to know that he has said something like that. This is where it starts - men being rejected by women then humiliating them or worse. He needs to be taught at this age how wrong his words were.

@sashh

Can you imagine if every 12-year old that said stupid shit was suspended?

If it was a racist comment he would have been suspended, why is this different?

My thoughts entirely. Sexist comments should be punished.

Years ago I asked why racist comments were so much worse than other offensive comments and I was told it was because racism leads to violence. Well so does sexism.

And I am afraid I think he deserved the slap, but the school wouldn't see it that way. Probably more effective than hand-wringing and apology letters though.

@poppycat10 the irony in your post is ridiculous m. Complaining about his sexism leading to violence but calling her actual violence justified. So sexist.

You can't and shouldn't apply adult rationale to immature brains. Misogyny is ingrained hatred of women. The boy is 12, not even a teen. Nothing much is 'ingrained' yet!

Was the comment repulsive? Yes 100% vile.

Did it show a hatred of women? Hardly.

Should he face consequences from the school and be educated on respect? Absolutely.

BUT so should the DDs friend for slapping him, otherwise the school itself would be condoning assault on a fellow pupil and that should never be overlooked.

She has just as much chance of carrying on slapping boys who offend her as the boy does carrying on saying disrespectful things to girls. Neither are right. Both need addressing before it does snowball into something that will follow them until adult life. If we cannot agree that there was wrong on BOTH parts then our quest for equality is a joke.

The fact some posters see this as a 'win' for feminism is appalling.

The fact that 'women can't really hurt men physically' bullshit is STILL being bandied about is appalling.

The fact that the OP says she's a teacher yet is rewarding her DDs friend for assaulting a fellow student is appalling.

Sorry for the overuse of the word appalling but it was a very long night and I need my sleep.

I've said all I can say on this thread and I'll be leaving it now.