Y7 disgusting comments

[ShinyGreenElephant]

I'm 99% sure I'm not being unreasonable here but I'm SO angry and could do with some perspective/ advice.

A boy in my DD12s class has said to her today "shut your legs, your fanny stinks". This was in front of a group of kids. Shes on her period today as well so it made her feel even more paranoid and she was really upset and humiliated. A few of the boys laughed half-heartedly (all her boy mates have since said he was out of order but none of them said it at the time) and all the girls who were there went mad at him, DDs best friend slapped him across the face. DD called him an ugly little rat and walked away before he saw her crying but was then very upset and sobbing to the other girls. Shes been friends with this boy for years but hes recently turned on her a bit after hes asked her out twice and she said no. Nothing like this though.

DD told a teacher who told him off, but he wasn't sent home and hasnt apologised. The school didn't inform me about the incident. Far as I'm concerned this is nowhere NEAR good enough - I've called them and told them as much and been told they will investigate and deal with it further.

Can anyone advise on what my next steps should be? I'll be putting it all in writing tomorrow once they contact me with how they've dealt with it. What if its not good enough? Governors? What can I realistically expect - I will 100% need an apology and I want him suspended but not sure they would even tell me if he was.

Any advice welcome even if its to tell me I'm over reacting. I'm actually friends with his mum but won't contact her tonight at least as I'm so angry I know I won't be able to handle it well.

Here we have a situation where the boy has been slapped by the girl’s friend, called out on his behaviour by the other children, dumped by his girlfriend and has made multiple apologies. He has been left in absolutely no doubt that his action was unacceptable - and that is a valuable lesson not only for him, but for the rest of the boys in his class.

Highly notable that the opprobrium has come entirely from his generation - not from the adults.

Very much agree with what you say, though. It is very encouraging.

I think someone should have a word with the girl who slapped the boy. Behind the scenes I would be thinking well done he deserved that. BUT one day someone will hit her back. It could be a 6ft bloke or a small woman but she will get hurt.

I'd feel more heartened by the outcome if various posters weren't falling over themselves to excuse this as not that bad, or tell the OP her DD needs to be more resilient or check her hygiene

And of course a sign of real progress would be if misogynistic insults weren't used in the first place.

@Babdoc really? Feminism is celebrating violence? You’re happy that he was physically assaulted?

I like you op! Your daughter is lucky to have you. Am glad your satisfied with the end result, and hopefully will never happen again. Boys can be super mean at that age. We have been teaching our boys from a young age to be extra kind and respectful towards girls, I would be extremely disappointed if they grew up to utter such vile things to a girl/woman

I can't help noticing that on mumsnet if someone reports something nasty a girl has said people respond with "girls are bitches/girls are horrible" etc but if someone writes about something nasty a boy has said people respond with "kids can be horrible/kids say nasty things." I notice that again and again. It seems if a boy does something kids as a whole are criticised or we are told that's just what kids are like, but if a girl does something it's evidence of how nasty girls in particular are. Seems very sexist

So feminism is slapping boys when they offend you, and getting treats as a reward for the assault?!?

Sorry, I must've missed that memo

Christ on a cracker.

As a former DS12 (not sure of the code but assume that means 12 year old son?) some 32 years ago I resolutely would never have said anything like that. I remember a trend a little earlier/younger than that when boys started saying that kind of thing, though. I remember being disgusted and uncomfortable, but despite being large/tall for my age I lacked the social confidence to challenge it as I would have wanted. Had the school made an example of those guilty of such commentary it would have provided the strong moral leadership that would encourage and empower both the girls and the disapproving boys to challenge it robustly. Well done to DD12 and her friend for having the courage that I lacked (and thus well done to you for raising her with that strength), but shame on the teacher for tacitly approving/condoning such disgusting behaviour, particularly in the context of the ongoing (and long overdue) revolution in social attitudes to misogyny, and the burgeoning recognition that fixing the extremes (Sarah Everard etc.) begins with fixing societal attitudes at source: in childhood, at home and at school.

@enigma16 - Do you really think this boy knows what Misogyny is and this was his intention?
Saying they’re not comparable is pure and simple discrimination.

My son was consistently bullied for a year by one boy at age 12 - he tried to push him down the stairs several times, stole and vandalised his work and possessions, taunted him nonstop and threatened to bring in a knife and stab him. He even 'stabbed' another child with a shard of broken plastic.

He still couldn't be excluded apparently as there's a ridiculous number of hoops to jump through. I'll be honest and say you have 0 chance of the boy in your DD's class being excluded for a single comment.

You’re happy that he was physically assaulted?

Happy? No.

Sad? 🤷🏻‍♀️ Also no.

@23PissOffAvenueWF

Here we have a situation where the boy has been slapped by the girl’s friend, called out on his behaviour by the other children, dumped by his girlfriend and has made multiple apologies. He has been left in absolutely no doubt that his action was unacceptable - and that is a valuable lesson not only for him, but for the rest of the boys in his class.

Highly notable that the opprobrium has come entirely from his generation - not from the adults.

Very much agree with what you say, though. It is very encouraging.

My DD was badly bullied at primary school, she was bullied by girls but the boys were very supportive. On one occasion I had to go in about the physical assault she had been subjected to and as the girls were identified boys sitting near them were picking up their chairs and moving. I will always remember those boys very fondly.

The violent girls, I hope they have the lives they deserve.

I think violence by girls is frequently dismissed as it has been on this thread, let alone the people who think it is something to be celebrated.

@childchestdoc how is it well done and ‘courage’ for slapping another person?

I can’t believe the people on here condoning the violence. It’s not ‘women’s rights’ To smack another person. Both he and DDs friend should be in trouble for this. He needs a lesson on what he says and she needs a lesson in behaviour. Those of you condoning her violence need to look up the story of Alex Skeel. People accusing this lad of being a future rapist should also be accusing the girl of being a future abuser.

Sorry, I'm not answering any silly or goading questions directed at me.

@Hamhockandmash I'm with you on this. I actually despair that people are applauding assault like it's somehow empowering to women and a 'win' for feminism.

I wonder how posters agreeing that it was acceptable for the boy to be slapped across the face and verbally abused, would react if their daughter came home with a slapped face and was verbally abused for telling a boy his willy smells?
Would you seriously be telling your daughters they got what they deserved?
They would be mocked and vilified on here and the remark would have gone conveniently unnoticed.
You are all basically condoning violence against women and men.

The boy may well not know the term misogyny. But I'm pretty certain he knew the phrase he used would be belittling and demeaning to OPs DD, and it was said for that purpose. He may well already have been exposed to casual misogyny at home or within his peer group, and be viewing women as lesser.

It's particularly telling that he had previously asked the same girl out and she'd refused; by daring to turn him down, a situation had been created where he felt entitled to demean her.

Of course you're not @enigma16 because you clearly think women can do no wrong. You even downplayed misandry earlier in your comments!

If the girl is praised for slapping, will she be meting out the same punishment to her own children in the future? Clearly some posters (including OP) think slapping is most excellent.

I would be asking my dd why she had been wasting energy talking to this vulgar individual and to blank him from now on. It’s not a suitable group of friends.

Of course one does not approve of violence per se. But a female slapping a larger and more powerful male as a gesture of disapproval is very different to a male hitting a smaller and less powerful female.
It should be very obvious (but apparently isn’t, to some faux outraged PPs) that the latter involves a risk of serious physical injury. The former, no - just hurt male pride.

@ancientgran - I agree! The only difference is, girls are more vocal about it and boys aren’t.

@SushiYum my 3 DDs all go/went to single sex secondary schools and I am very glad they did. Of course there is an element of meanness or competitiveness among the girls but no more than in a mixed school.

I’m very glad they can be themselves without having to worry about potential comments from boys. My middle dd went to a girls grammar school and they all had great relationships with their teachers and had open discussions in class about anything and everything (think they once had a debate about the best period app). They could wear any colour bra under their school shirts without having to worry.

I feel so sorry for these girls who have to put up with inappropriate comments at school.

@Babdoc how do you know if it hurt? How do you know who was bigger? You condone female violence, in fact you have celebrated it. And your attitude is why many men who suffer from DV never report it. You are in the dark ages and your attitude is awful.

You need to educate yourself on men who suffer from DV and stop with the bollocks of ‘teeny innocent waif women and big bulky men’. Disgusting.

@bendmeoverbackwards- Do you also feel sorry for the boys who have to put up with these comments at school from girls?

[quote TwinkleStar88]@bendmeoverbackwards- Do you also feel sorry for the boys who have to put up with these comments at school from girls?[/quote]
Which comments??