Y7 disgusting comments

[ShinyGreenElephant]

I'm 99% sure I'm not being unreasonable here but I'm SO angry and could do with some perspective/ advice.

A boy in my DD12s class has said to her today "shut your legs, your fanny stinks". This was in front of a group of kids. Shes on her period today as well so it made her feel even more paranoid and she was really upset and humiliated. A few of the boys laughed half-heartedly (all her boy mates have since said he was out of order but none of them said it at the time) and all the girls who were there went mad at him, DDs best friend slapped him across the face. DD called him an ugly little rat and walked away before he saw her crying but was then very upset and sobbing to the other girls. Shes been friends with this boy for years but hes recently turned on her a bit after hes asked her out twice and she said no. Nothing like this though.

DD told a teacher who told him off, but he wasn't sent home and hasnt apologised. The school didn't inform me about the incident. Far as I'm concerned this is nowhere NEAR good enough - I've called them and told them as much and been told they will investigate and deal with it further.

Can anyone advise on what my next steps should be? I'll be putting it all in writing tomorrow once they contact me with how they've dealt with it. What if its not good enough? Governors? What can I realistically expect - I will 100% need an apology and I want him suspended but not sure they would even tell me if he was.

Any advice welcome even if its to tell me I'm over reacting. I'm actually friends with his mum but won't contact her tonight at least as I'm so angry I know I won't be able to handle it well.

Why is it irrelevant @Coffeeandcocopops? It speaks to double standards and misandry.

On another note, if OP’s daughter does have a hygiene issue that needs to be addressed she should speak to her daughter. This furore should not overshadow the needs of this young lady.

I’m not quite sure what you would want from this.

It sounds like his peers inflicted some corporal punishment on him that the school never could. Hopefully this would make him learn his lesson?

a distasteful comment.

The comments made by the boy and the girl are not the same type of “distasteful comment”. The boy’s one is misogynistic, sexual bullying, designed to humiliate, not just generic name-calling. That’s the difference.

What punishment would people recommend for a girl winding up a boy by saying his willy stinks?

If a girl said that to a boy she would obviously need to be reprimanded, but think about the bigger picture and hopefully you can see that these things are just not comparable. Misogyny is a huge problem and always has been. Misandry, not so much. From policing women's looks, weight, body hair (and smell!), treating women as men's sexual property, undermining women's career achievements and unequal opportunities and pay, age discrimination towards older women to gender-based violence. The boy as he grows up will not have to fear women and he will not be held back by his gender. The girls will unless something begins to change.

The word misogyny is thrown around on this board so much these days that people seem to have forgotten what it actually means. One shitty comment by an immature lad does not mean he has an ingrained prejudice towards women or that he hates them. It means he needs to be taught respect. And the DDs friend needs to be taught you can't just go slapping people because you don't like what they said. Imagine the society we'd live in if that was an acceptable rule of thumb.

@rosemary201

This should be reported to school's leadership team, then if nothing is done, Ofsted.

Absolutely- if the OP works at the same school. The leadership team need to know that she condones - indeed rewards violence amongst children.

@23PissOffAvenueWF

Absolutely can’t believe some of the defending of the boy on this thread. Well, sadly, I can.

If my 12YO DS said something like this, I’d be utterly appalled and feel like a complete failure as a parent. He would be punished in no uncertain terms.

So glad that DD will be heading off to a single sex school next year from year 7. At least her school hours will mean she is spared this utter fucking shit behaviour from the cohort of boys and men who just can’t seem to stop themselves.

@23PissOffAvenueWF So glad that DD will be heading off to a single sex school next year from year 7. At least her school hours will mean she is spared this utter fucking shit behaviour from the cohort of boys and men who just can’t seem to stop themselves.

My best friend went to an all girls school and she said it was horrific. Basically Mean Girls everyday as there was so much bitchiness. She wasn’t bullied, but all the girls were competitive. They wanted to the prettiest, the most stylish, the slimmest etc.

@ShinyGreenElephant the boy seems sorry. He’s apologised and he’s been talked to. We learn and grow from recognising our mistakes. Your DD could’ve just fired something back about his sweaty balls. I have more issue here with the physical violence. You need to encourage your DD to be resilient. The world isn’t rainbows and unicorns.

The word misogyny is thrown around on this board so much these days that people seem to have forgotten what it actually means. One shitty comment by an immature lad does not mean he has an ingrained prejudice towards women or that he hates them.

Saying that a girl's vagina stinks is absolutely misogyny - he clearly resents the girl because she turned him down.

Misogyny (/mɪˈsɒdʒɪni/) is the hatred of, contempt for, or prejudice against women or girls. It enforces sexism by punishing those who reject an inferior status for women and rewarding those who accept it.

@enigma16 completely agree.

The trope about women smelling (of fish) has been the basis of misogynistic comments for decades. It needs to stop. It's nothing to do with women actually smelling (few if any do) and far more a means of putting women in their place, letting them know they are inferior and can be the butt of jokes.

Upthread someone said well men/ boys can be called knob cheese. Except that's completely different, it's a term I've heard bandied around in the same sense as dickhead or similar, it's not being used to laugh at and mock the man in the same way as close your legs is to a woman.

Why is it irrelevant? It speaks to double standards and misandry

On another note, if OP’s daughter does have a hygiene issue that needs to be addressed she should speak to her daughter. This furore should not overshadow the needs of this young lady

Because @Coolandclamy it is whatabouttery of the highest order, designed to distract and diminish the incident that we are talking about - the one that did actually happen and isn't a made up hypothetical.

OP's daughter inevitably doesn't have a hygiene issue - it's bizarre that you would assume she would. The comment was clearly meant as an insult, nothing else. He's not bought her some toiletries for secret santa, he's said something designed to insult and cause gossip.

@enigma16 I know the definition of misogyny thanks, and one shitty comment by an immature CHILD doesn't even come close to it.

@KurtWilde

The word misogyny is thrown around on this board so much these days that people seem to have forgotten what it actually means. One shitty comment by an immature lad does not mean he has an ingrained prejudice towards women or that he hates them. It means he needs to be taught respect. And the DDs friend needs to be taught you can't just go slapping people because you don't like what they said. Imagine the society we'd live in if that was an acceptable rule of thumb.

Oh WOW. Ok let’s recap then!

He repeatedly asks out a girl who rejects him multiple times. He then decides to humiliate her and shame her in front of her peer group by making disgusting personal comments about her private parts and her period, in the hope that this public humiliation of her femaleness will punish her for rejecting him. And the other boys present laugh along, joining in on the humiliation of girls for daring to have bodily autonomy and access their education on their periods.

He needs to be taught respect, but he also needs to be taught consent and the fact that women are people with as much right to make decisions as him. The OP has made clear this came after he repeatedly asked out the girl, it was intended as a punishment and a shaming. This is not just one comment copied from someone else, this is a boy sexually bullying a girl for rejecting him.

Don't you think you're over egging it a bit now? She's been treated to a film, takeaway and ice cream and you'll take her and her friend out for pizza... For what? A comment by a boy for which he got smacked round the chops and insulted back.

Yes he was out of order but 12 year olds are mixed up confused people and the fallout for this boy has been huge while actually what he said wasn't... Dare I say... Not that bad. He's also apologised 3 times.

It certainly doesn't sound like you're building much resilience in your DD if aside from crying and needing treats she also wanted the boy excluded. I think you maybe need to start teaching your DD ways of coping with this sort of thing better.

@enigma16 - Saying a boys penis stinks is not comparable to saying a girls vagina stinks?
Why do you not think they’re comparable?

@Coolandclamy

Why is it irrelevant *@Coffeeandcocopops*? It speaks to double standards and misandry.

On another note, if OP’s daughter does have a hygiene issue that needs to be addressed she should speak to her daughter. This furore should not overshadow the needs of this young lady.

I meant it has nothing to do with this thread. It’s whatsabouty. Also I find it odd adults post that comment. Look at the posters other comments on another thread - vulgar.

For added whataboutery, how should a girl be punished for telling another they have a 'stinky fanny'?

one shitty comment by an immature CHILD doesn't even come close to it.

But it's not one shitty comment in isolation. It's part of a culture of contempt towards women which needs to change.

The immature child needs educating, urgently, so he grows up to a mature man who respects women and sees them as his equals.

I heartily agree that girls are meaner. I went to a super selective grammar school and some girls were horrid. I remember one girl was a bit hairy and we had to do PE in navy pants. This girl was taunted for a year

As for this bunch.... the OP sounds as bad as they do. It’s a crude comment and the boy should be reprimanded most strongly. But what is all this phone activity and mothers getting involved and kids having boy/girlfriends at 11 or 12 years old? As I said before, a big bucket of cold water over the lot of them.

He's 12 not 6. I think referring to him as a child is downplaying it, he's not a little kid blindly repeating something out of context, he is a pre teen, and if he is an early birthday might be less than 6 months from 13. He may well have already gone through puberty. He is 2 years above the age of criminal responsibility.

He's old enough to know better and if he doesn't, school and his parents need to ensure it is made clear to him this is entirely unacceptable.

Saying a boys penis stinks is not comparable to saying a girls vagina stinks? Why do you not think they’re comparable?

Because as I already said misogyny is a huge problem, and abusive comments like that about women and girls add to it.

@enigma16 this particular boy has made one comment, one. OP doesn't say he's done it repeatedly. So is it one strike and you're automatically a misogynist then? Or is there room to educate him?

And what about the friend who slapped him getting a pizza as a treat? Is it ok to teach children they get rewards for assault on another student? Or should she perhaps be given some education on how it's not ok to hit someone when they offend your friend? No? Just let it slide because she's a girl and he 'deserved' it?

I actually despair.

Looking back over the thread, I actually feel quite heartened by the outcome, and encouraged that society is making progress!
In my schooldays, over 50 years ago, boys could get away with far worse, including sexual assault, with no comeback whatever.
Here we have a situation where the boy has been slapped by the girl’s friend, called out on his behaviour by the other children, dumped by his girlfriend and has made multiple apologies. He has been left in absolutely no doubt that his action was unacceptable - and that is a valuable lesson not only for him, but for the rest of the boys in his class. Similarly, DD has been supported and empowered by her friends, school and parent, to see she does not have to accept this shit. Again, a valuable lesson for all the girls.
I call that a brilliant result:
Feminism one, misogyny nil!

But it's not one shitty comment in isolation. It's part of a culture of contempt towards women which needs to change

The immature child needs educating, urgently, so he grows up to a mature man who respects women and sees them as his equals

Parents have more sway than educators ever will.

Look at the threads on here where woman are treated poorly and they put up with it!

One boy one comment isn’t going to change the world is it?

And to whoever asked - yes, I would reward DDs friend for slapping him, as I would be rewarding DD for doing the same for one of her friends. And if DD was racist or homophobic and got slapped for it I wouldn't be angry with the slapper id be angry with myself for bringing up my child to be a scumbag

So you'll be fine if your daughter ever upsets someone and gets a smack round the face? Hope she never falls out with the violent friend.