Y7 disgusting comments

[ShinyGreenElephant]

I'm 99% sure I'm not being unreasonable here but I'm SO angry and could do with some perspective/ advice.

A boy in my DD12s class has said to her today "shut your legs, your fanny stinks". This was in front of a group of kids. Shes on her period today as well so it made her feel even more paranoid and she was really upset and humiliated. A few of the boys laughed half-heartedly (all her boy mates have since said he was out of order but none of them said it at the time) and all the girls who were there went mad at him, DDs best friend slapped him across the face. DD called him an ugly little rat and walked away before he saw her crying but was then very upset and sobbing to the other girls. Shes been friends with this boy for years but hes recently turned on her a bit after hes asked her out twice and she said no. Nothing like this though.

DD told a teacher who told him off, but he wasn't sent home and hasnt apologised. The school didn't inform me about the incident. Far as I'm concerned this is nowhere NEAR good enough - I've called them and told them as much and been told they will investigate and deal with it further.

Can anyone advise on what my next steps should be? I'll be putting it all in writing tomorrow once they contact me with how they've dealt with it. What if its not good enough? Governors? What can I realistically expect - I will 100% need an apology and I want him suspended but not sure they would even tell me if he was.

Any advice welcome even if its to tell me I'm over reacting. I'm actually friends with his mum but won't contact her tonight at least as I'm so angry I know I won't be able to handle it well.

For example degrading comments to women are often excused as every day banter. Like the poster who said a grown male work colleague made a similar crude comment In the office and no doubt made it seem like a bit of trivial banter but is in fact a deeply misogynist comment.
We need to call out this from a young age although at 12 the boy was more than aware what his comment meant and how vile it was.

I agree with PP, it's vile and misogynistic but also it's not behaviour in isolation - he's punishing the OPs DD for having the temerity to turn him down. It's sexual harassment, it's not taking no for an answer (without trying to punish the one saying no) and it's the end of a series of interactions - he's escalating things.

I hope the school (and his Mum) come down on him very hard.

In high school, i think we were about 13, one of the boys commented (privately) to me that he knew X was on her period, he could smell it. He didn't embarrass her or say anything but I was horrified at the idea (like when you get used to a smell and don't notice it) and subsequently paranoid at my time of the month.

This was 20+ years ago and I still remember it... granted I now realize I was an anxious child scared to be bullied, but I mention it bc she may be self conscious now about it, or the possibility of it, so just something to keep an eye out for.

Yes agree he should be made to apologise have some sanctions etc but suspension is ott
Your daughters friend slapping him is not ok though either, we can't shout for equality and then ignore violence or say he asked for it
Or because it was a girl hitting a boy thats ok
Sometimes though I think kids deal with these things themselves , the reaction he got wasn't positive and probably made him feel small, he also got a slap for it so maybe he will think twice

Just read he has apologised to your dd of his own back
I think some on here forget what teenagers can be like, yes he should be told off but not hung , drawn and quartered, and many have ignored the friends violence as though thats acceptable as she's a girl
Really they pretty much have sorted it without too much adult influence as boys even apologised etc and support from others

@Grenlei would you also do the same if your child was the daughter who slapped him
School did speak to him , he has also apologised
12 year olds still say stupid things , 15 year olds even still say stupid things as an adult we even say stupid things
I think some are a little over the top on here

Sounds like their year needs to be given a talk about misogyny and sexual bullying. I wish schools would start taking this seriously as attitudes start young.

@donewithitalltodayandxmas

Just read he has apologised to your dd of his own back I think some on here forget what teenagers can be like, yes he should be told off but not hung , drawn and quartered, and many have ignored the friends violence as though thats acceptable as she's a girl Really they pretty much have sorted it without too much adult influence as boys even apologised etc and support from others

Totally agree.

He safe something horrible, he apologised.

Did he get an apology for being slapped/ punched (whatever it was)?

said

I would be asking what the punishment is for other hate crimes i.e. racism and expect the same for this. I would also want the boy to learn from this, maybe researching misogyny and writing an essay on it as part of is punishment. It's great the girls all stood up to him but violence is not acceptable under any circumstances. Would it have been ok for the boy to hit the girl? If not then unfortunately that's sexism. The girl needs to learn of better ways to express her emotions.

@Higgeldypiggeldy35

I would be asking what the punishment is for other hate crimes i.e. racism and expect the same for this. I would also want the boy to learn from this, maybe researching misogyny and writing an essay on it as part of is punishment. It's great the girls all stood up to him but violence is not acceptable under any circumstances. Would it have been ok for the boy to hit the girl? If not then unfortunately that's sexism. The girl needs to learn of better ways to express her emotions.

Or maybe a public flogging would suffice?

And the girl can spend some time thinking of better ways to express her emotions 👀

Some of these comments are mental.

The child apologised to the other child.

[quote ShinyGreenElephant]@Bingowingslikeashieldofsteel yeah it probably is enough now I've calmed down. When DD came in so upset I was absolutely livid, and I'm still not satisfied the school has done enough. But as long as his parents have been told and its on record so that it isn't allowed to escalate then thats enough yes. I was so bloody angry before because all I could see was that she had rejected a boy, for the simple reason that she only just turned 12 and isn't interested in boys and shes been verbally abused and humiliated for it. Shes got a lifetime of worrying about men's bloody egos she doesnt need to be dealing with it at 11 years old and it breaks my heart. But hes not evil, hes a stupid kid who obviously hasn't been brought up properly and his behaviour has hurt himself more than her.

And to whoever asked - yes, I would reward DDs friend for slapping him, as I would be rewarding DD for doing the same for one of her friends. And if DD was racist or homophobic and got slapped for it I wouldn't be angry with the slapper id be angry with myself for bringing up my child to be a scumbag[/quote]
OP you frankly have no idea - your child is over 10 and as such is criminally responsible for her actions - do not encourage her to go round slapping people . She will end up with a criminal record which normally has a pretty negative impact on life chances.

And to whoever asked - yes, I would reward DDs friend for slapping him, as I would be rewarding DD for doing the same for one of her friends. And if DD was racist or homophobic and got slapped for it I wouldn't be angry with the slapper id be angry with myself for bringing up my child to be a scumbag

If people really do think like this and the OP and others on this thread are not just saying it for effect, then we are absolutely fucked in our efforts to deal with violence against women (or men, or anyone or anything). If we adopt the view that it's fine to belt someone for saying something we deem offensive, then the floodgates are completely open.

Wow OP, you condone violence and you’re a teacher?

OP, how would you feel if a 6' 4" man knocked your daughter's teeth out for calling him a 'poof'?

What level of violent retaliation do you consider acceptable, and in what circumstances? Genuinely interested.

[quote Libraryghost]@Ilovegreentomatoes who said it’s acceptable? It isn’t but neither is crucifying a 12 year child. We weren’t there, we don’t know what happened. We are adults, they are children and there are grown women on this thread who want to punch him. I find what the boy said abhorrent but what I find worse is a group of grown women willing to destroy a child. Education is key with children not labelling them rapists and misogynists.[/quote]
Nobody wants to ‘destroy’ a child. But it does need to be taken seriously and the boy in question needs to understand why the comment was deeply wrong. Brushing it off implying it was just a throwaway comment as some people have suggested in here doesn’t cut it.

Sounds like their year needs to be given a talk about misogyny and sexual bullying. I wish schools would start taking this seriously as attitudes start young.

well, yes, my thoughts exactly. I agree his comment is misogynistic and that the circumstances of it (reaction to rejection from the girl) are concerning. But he's a kid, and expulsion over it is likely too severe at his point in life.

But, there is an opportunity for the school to educate the year (and all future years) on this type of behaviour and why it's unacceptable, whether it comes from boys or girls. Education is their business, I wish this type of session was routinely delivered, it's so important.

@Teardrop2021

This is still a child we are speaking as a mother of a 12 year the language used to describe him is utterly appalling, hes just a kid who makes mistakes.

Exactly! He’s just mummy’s little misogynist, boys will be boys and the little didums should be allowed to humiliate and sexually bully girls without consequences. He’s the real victim in all this, being held responsible for his actions! How awful would it be if men felt they had to treat women like actual people, this is such a worrying life lesson. I’d just give him a hug and say the girls are oversensitive bitches, mummy will try to get them suspended!

🧐🧐🧐🧐

The vast vast majority of posts here have been sensibly saying this is serious and needs to be taken as such, but there are a couple of repeat posters who clearly have some ingrained ideas of how women ought to just accept this. Scary.

@MammaSchwifty

Sounds like their year needs to be given a talk about misogyny and sexual bullying. I wish schools would start taking this seriously as attitudes start young.

well, yes, my thoughts exactly. I agree his comment is misogynistic and that the circumstances of it (reaction to rejection from the girl) are concerning. But he's a kid, and expulsion over it is likely too severe at his point in life.

But, there is an opportunity for the school to educate the year (and all future years) on this type of behaviour and why it's unacceptable, whether it comes from boys or girls. Education is their business, I wish this type of session was routinely delivered, it's so important.

Agree 100% The comment itself is horrid, and at 12 he will of course know it is offensive but is unlikely to understand the social context and background. this is fixable. We should be fixing, not condemning people before they are even teenagers.

What punishment would people recommend for a girl winding up a boy by saying his willy stinks?

@MammaSchwifty your comment is one of the most sensible on here. You've put what I was trying to say perfectly. I'm not good with written words.

Unlike @Onjnmoeiejducwoapy who thinks a young boy, who has made a mistake, should be hung, drawn and quartered.

I am a parent of 2 teenage girls, a 15 year old boy and a 12 year old boy.

Posters really need to stop interpreting "Schools cannot and should not expel a child for one comment, however offensive" as "It's not a big deal that boys make misogynist comments to girls, it's normal and nothing to worry about". Literally nobody is saying that.

@Moonmelodies

What punishment would people recommend for a girl winding up a boy by saying his willy stinks?

Irrelevant. You are posting odd stuff on another thread too.

Ok, let’s clarify, it’s ok for girls to verbally and physically abuse boys for making a distasteful comment.
It’s also ok for boys to verbally and physically abuse girls for making distasteful comments, yes?
If we went by that analogy, we would be raising a generation of violent individuals, whose only answer to unpleasantness is to use violence and not equip them with the tools they need to deal with these situations.
It’s amazing how the OP (I also don’t believe she’s a teacher!) is completely dismissing her daughter and her friends response.
The boy, your daughter and her friend should all be in detention and educated on what is acceptable and what’s not!