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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Y7 disgusting comments

999 replies

ShinyGreenElephant · 23/03/2021 16:14

I'm 99% sure I'm not being unreasonable here but I'm SO angry and could do with some perspective/ advice.

A boy in my DD12s class has said to her today "shut your legs, your fanny stinks". This was in front of a group of kids. Shes on her period today as well so it made her feel even more paranoid and she was really upset and humiliated. A few of the boys laughed half-heartedly (all her boy mates have since said he was out of order but none of them said it at the time) and all the girls who were there went mad at him, DDs best friend slapped him across the face. DD called him an ugly little rat and walked away before he saw her crying but was then very upset and sobbing to the other girls. Shes been friends with this boy for years but hes recently turned on her a bit after hes asked her out twice and she said no. Nothing like this though.

DD told a teacher who told him off, but he wasn't sent home and hasnt apologised. The school didn't inform me about the incident. Far as I'm concerned this is nowhere NEAR good enough - I've called them and told them as much and been told they will investigate and deal with it further.

Can anyone advise on what my next steps should be? I'll be putting it all in writing tomorrow once they contact me with how they've dealt with it. What if its not good enough? Governors? What can I realistically expect - I will 100% need an apology and I want him suspended but not sure they would even tell me if he was.

Any advice welcome even if its to tell me I'm over reacting. I'm actually friends with his mum but won't contact her tonight at least as I'm so angry I know I won't be able to handle it well.

OP posts:
catpoooffender · 23/03/2021 22:23

@Therarestone

On a separate note the effect of a slap last far less than the effect of being shamed for being female.
You say that like it's a fact.
Fembot123 · 23/03/2021 22:25

@Teardrop2021, please please look at what you are saying, it’s wholly hypocritical. Yes I argued with you, you argued with me, you derailed, I derailed, You thought my comment rude and I didn’t like yours either. Just leave it now.

Teardrop2021 · 23/03/2021 22:27

Fembot123 I actually told you to drop it yet you continue and then further tag me in another comment telling me to leave seriously get a grip. Honestly youe like an child wanting the last comment.

langdale2016 · 23/03/2021 22:28

Well done for listening to your daughter, for taking this seriously and for talking to the school.Given where we are with fallout from the Sarah Everard case, we need to rethink the lad culture that is embedded in this society. Our schools need to take a lead on this. Good luck and thank you for sharing.

Fembot123 · 23/03/2021 22:28

I didn’t tell you to leave 😂😂😂

Teardrop2021 · 23/03/2021 22:30

Fembot123
Grow up.

Fembot123 · 23/03/2021 22:31

Yes, ok 👍

Teardrop2021 · 23/03/2021 22:32
Biscuit
Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 23/03/2021 22:38

[quote supersonicginandtonic]@Onjnmoeiejducwoapy no it wasn't sexual abuse though was it? It was a comment, he probably didn't understand/realise how hurtful his comment was. He needs explaining too.
You can't go around physically abusing people because you don't like what they said. she called him an ugly rat, that's not nice either. Maybe not as bad no, but still not acceptable. And that is certainly not defending herself. [/quote]
Wait sorry what?!?! So his sexual and repulsive misogynistic comment was just a mistake, but her calling him a rat while upset at his bullying was not self defence and not ok?

This in a nutshell is the “boys will be boys” double standard of low expectations. Even when girls are victimised, they are at fault because their response isn’t perfect.

23PissOffAvenueWF · 23/03/2021 22:39

This thread is really bringing out the worst in people.

Come on, we are all actually adults.

Libraryghost · 23/03/2021 22:41

@23PissOffAvenueWF

This thread is really bringing out the worst in people.

Come on, we are all actually adults.

This in a nutshell. Give it a rest. They are children. Grow the hell up. The boy did a bad thing, this does not make him Peter Sutcliffe.
FireflyRainbow · 23/03/2021 22:43

Kids say stupid things. The boy was out of order but theres no excuse for the friend slapping him. If a girl said something nasty to a boy and his mate slapped her it would be a whole different story. More concerned with kids using violence.

Dentistlakes · 23/03/2021 22:43

@FatAnneTheDealer

Such a depressing thread!

No one (I think) wants to ruin this boy’s life. He’s a child, and probably made a comment that he didn’t even wholly understand (at least not the impact).

Nevertheless, it was disgusting and unacceptable. A brief suspension would be entirely appropriate. It would give him some time to understand just how unacceptable it was.

I do not in any way equate the girl’s friend’s retaliatory slap, even though it was “violent” and the boy only used words. There are many times when words are worse, and this is one of them.

When I was a child I was taught to say, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me”. Even then I knew that was comforting nonsense, and now, many decades later, I have entirely forgotten any playground physical scuffles, but some of the taunts still make me smart.

Words matter. This boy is becoming a man. Now is the time to teach him.

I agree he should be suspended and the girl who slapped him should also be suspended.
KurtWilde · 23/03/2021 22:44

@Libraryghost

From what I remember when I was at school ( and yes times may have changed) was that girls were far more cruel to each other than boys were to girls. This thread is reading a lot like all girls are innocent little victims and all boys are potential rapists. Bollocks. Yes the boy needs speaking too and it needs sorting but Christ we don’t need to crucify him. He is a child people...
Agree
Jamboree01 · 23/03/2021 22:52

Sec school unlikely to suspend or send him home. They won’t share the sanction with you even if one is given. It’s an awful thing to say, and your DD may want him gone but, unless there has been previous behaviour issues/ exclusions, he wouldn’t be permanently excluded over something like this or even fixed term excluded.

They should speak to your DD tomorrow to see how she feels about an apology. Given the nature of the comment, placing him in internal isolation might only cause her humiliation to drag out for longer.

These kind of comments are not uncommon in secondary schools and girls can be equally (if not worse) as bad as boys.

You can call and speak to a member of senior management who may be able to provide you with some reassurance as to how it is being dealt with but you won’t get to determine the punishment and, as said, it’s very unlikely to be exclusion.

Has the girl who hit him received a punishment?

Disneyblue · 23/03/2021 22:52

Kids say all sorts of horrible stuff to each other all the time. They're kids. God I remember alot worse than that being said when I was at school.
Times have changed obviously.

Jamboree01 · 23/03/2021 22:55

100% agree.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 23/03/2021 22:57

It's only a two day exclusion in most places for being caught with drugs on the premises (thanks to previous parents going to court to get them back in). Spiteful and vulgar words that have met with summary justice from the crowd isn't going to attract a greater penalty than carrying a big bag of pills on site.

stickygotstuck · 23/03/2021 22:57

About the friend who slapped the misogynistic little shit - maybe she has the foresight to understand that his type only back off when someone overpowers them physically, sadly. Stop him in his tracks early and everybody is a winner, including the boy.

I don't condone violence but a slap is not quite the same as a hard punch, and that attitude will hopefully save this girl no end of grief later on in life. Well worth getting in a bit of bother at school at the age of 12.

KurtWilde · 23/03/2021 22:59

Well OP I hope you're thoroughly thrilled at having a 12yo boy crucified all over mumsnet tonight. Perhaps you should treat all of your online supporters to a pizza too.

That's enough internet for tonight.

Jamboree01 · 23/03/2021 22:59

Wtf? 👀

Grenlei · 23/03/2021 23:00

If girls also say stuff like this then all the more reason why schools need to take a strong stance to make it clear that this isn't acceptable.

It's not 2 weeks ago that Reclaim the Streets protests took place, that most women were saying they had been the victims of sexual assault or misogyny....where do you think all that starts? All the men that commit assaults, that make misogynistic comments, shout ,'get your tits out'' as they drive past a woman pedestrian - they learned to humiliate and belittle women and girls over the years, probably starting in school. It needs to stop.

Cam2020 · 23/03/2021 23:00

Come on, we are all actually adults.
.We're what? Isn't that a hate crime around here?

SD1978 · 23/03/2021 23:03

If her friend wasn't suspended for actual physical violence towards the boy, and the boy has now apologised, I wouldn't be trying to do anything further. Yes it was a disgusting comment- but so far, it's a one off and not bullying.

nitsandwormsdodger · 23/03/2021 23:09

If he apologises and accepts it was a foul thing to say and gets a detention and a serious talking to that is reasonable punishment, no more is needed

Do not "put it all in writing" tomorrow I'm a teacher and stressed to the gills at the moment and don't have time to indulge hysterical parents over a relatively minor insistent tbh, you are over reacting and and further action from you is unnecessary

Boys used to say this all the time to girls and girls would say it to other girls to upset them , I haven't heard it said in quite a while I'm quite pleased it a v rare thing and hopefully the little shit will have learnt a lesson today. Of course if he does anything like this again then you should escalate it.

I also don't approve of her friend slapping the boy, yes he said an outrageously gross thing and " deserved it " but it was un necessary