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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Y7 disgusting comments

999 replies

ShinyGreenElephant · 23/03/2021 16:14

I'm 99% sure I'm not being unreasonable here but I'm SO angry and could do with some perspective/ advice.

A boy in my DD12s class has said to her today "shut your legs, your fanny stinks". This was in front of a group of kids. Shes on her period today as well so it made her feel even more paranoid and she was really upset and humiliated. A few of the boys laughed half-heartedly (all her boy mates have since said he was out of order but none of them said it at the time) and all the girls who were there went mad at him, DDs best friend slapped him across the face. DD called him an ugly little rat and walked away before he saw her crying but was then very upset and sobbing to the other girls. Shes been friends with this boy for years but hes recently turned on her a bit after hes asked her out twice and she said no. Nothing like this though.

DD told a teacher who told him off, but he wasn't sent home and hasnt apologised. The school didn't inform me about the incident. Far as I'm concerned this is nowhere NEAR good enough - I've called them and told them as much and been told they will investigate and deal with it further.

Can anyone advise on what my next steps should be? I'll be putting it all in writing tomorrow once they contact me with how they've dealt with it. What if its not good enough? Governors? What can I realistically expect - I will 100% need an apology and I want him suspended but not sure they would even tell me if he was.

Any advice welcome even if its to tell me I'm over reacting. I'm actually friends with his mum but won't contact her tonight at least as I'm so angry I know I won't be able to handle it well.

OP posts:
Fembot123 · 23/03/2021 21:58

[quote Coolandclamy]@LexMitior, what’s your point? It is okay 👌 f girls are sexually assaulted by other girls because technically the word rape cannot be used to describe the assault?[/quote]
I’m struggling to see his/her point too.

LexMitior · 23/03/2021 21:59

[quote Coolandclamy]@LexMitior, what’s your point? It is okay 👌 f girls are sexually assaulted by other girls because technically the word rape cannot be used to describe the assault?[/quote]
No, and its not a technicality - its pretty important to actually prosecuting rape that it is male. Of course there are other forms of criminal charge might apply, but if there is a problem with over sexualised behaviour by girls towards each other, it would be inaccurate to call it "rape culture".

Teardrop2021 · 23/03/2021 22:01

Fembot123 an inappropriate comment is not rape please look up the definition

LexMitior · 23/03/2021 22:02

@ShipOfTheseus

I would take that to mean that they understood that "rape culture" meant these girls were much less likely to tolerate unwelcome sexualised behaviour from males outside their schools.

That does not seem to be the case, though. The girls are subject to sexual assault from boys outside of school, and tolerate it, blame themselves etc. I have found reading these testimonies from girls at well-known private schools very disturbing and shocking.

Well that's interesting that they felt less agency than you might expect.

Whats the counter solution - boys behaving better perhaps? I think it is.

You can have difficult conversations about some male conduct in a single sex school and in fact it may be easier to do. You have to start somewhere, I don't think the solution is to hide this issue away.

Fembot123 · 23/03/2021 22:03

@Teardrop2021

Fembot123 an inappropriate comment is not rape please look up the definition
Please read my comment, I didn’t say it was! Mine isn’t the first comment you’ve misread on this thread, maybe slow your roll and actually read it properly first.
Fembot123 · 23/03/2021 22:03

@Fembot123

If a girl held another girl down and penetrated them with an item I’d call that rape.
.
KevinTheGoat · 23/03/2021 22:04

I had comments like this all the time from boys at school. They loved making sexually humiliating comments at me. Keep the little weirdo in line. Granted, girls did do it too but the boys were worse.

I don't know why the comment about building resilience winds me up. Maybe because it smacks of 'tell her to shut up and take it'.

Teardrop2021 · 23/03/2021 22:04

Fembot123 Apologies the thread is moving fast but no need to be so rude and please inform of any comments I've misread.

KevinTheGoat · 23/03/2021 22:05

@EdgeOfACoin

Really depressed by the responses on this thread.

If a white child accused a black child of smelling bad, NO ONE would be sitting around on Mumsnet telling the black child that he or she needed to toughen up and to lighten up, it was just a stupid remark.

The internalised misogyny on here is really quite shocking. 'Boys will be boys, eh, girls?' 'Don't make such a fuss dear.' Personally, I think internalised misogyny is responsible for all the 'fishy' comments at girls' schools - these insults weren't formed in a vacuum with no input from the outside world.

And finally, I would say that the slap is a separate issue that needs to be dealt with aseparately.

They would.
FlyingByTheSeatof · 23/03/2021 22:05

I'm very interested in the outcome of your complaint OP.

Boys have been getting away with far worse comments and behaviour in Secondary School. Which in turns gives them the confidence to behave badly more of the time and increasing their unpleasant behaviour.

Sadly this is not nearly as bad as some boys behaviour out there so will no doubt be dealt with very lightly.

Fembot123 · 23/03/2021 22:06

@Teardrop2021

Fembot123 Apologies the thread is moving fast but no need to be so rude and please inform of any comments I've misread.
How is what I’ve said ‘So rude’ but you are ok to misread my comment, patronise me and tell me to look up the definition 😂
FlyingByTheSeatof · 23/03/2021 22:07

Also my DD was the one who got into trouble for slapping a boy who had made unpleasant comments to her which was quite frustrating, annoying and unfair imho.

Fembot123 · 23/03/2021 22:07

@KevinTheGoat

I had comments like this all the time from boys at school. They loved making sexually humiliating comments at me. Keep the little weirdo in line. Granted, girls did do it too but the boys were worse.

I don't know why the comment about building resilience winds me up. Maybe because it smacks of 'tell her to shut up and take it'.

Agreed, no girl should have to build up a resilience to comments like these, totally unacceptable
Teardrop2021 · 23/03/2021 22:09

Fembot123 your attitude in response. Please tell me where other than your comment have a misread someone else's. Its very easily done in a thread thats very fast moving. Someone misread mine earlier and I explained what I meant ans they acknowledged and apologised there was no rudeness or attitude whatsoever.

LincolnshireYellowBelly · 23/03/2021 22:10

Kids say awful things sometimes. However it’s not necessarily a ‘boy thing’. I remember the girl in my year at school who asked a boy loudly if he had ginger pubes. I don’t recall any child, boy or girl, challenging her on what was said. Too intimidating to do so.
I’m sorry that your daughter experienced this, it’s not pleasant for anyone. However, the next step is to build her resilience so that she can cope when she hears an unkind comment - from a boy OR girl.

I’d be extremely surprised if the school excluded a child because of this. What is worrying is the friend who slapped him.

KevinTheGoat · 23/03/2021 22:10

Before anyone asks: usually I didn't hit back when boys made nasty comments. I just told them to fuck off or kept my head down and tried to ignore them. But it stayed with me.

FatAnneTheDealer · 23/03/2021 22:13

Such a depressing thread!

No one (I think) wants to ruin this boy’s life. He’s a child, and probably made a comment that he didn’t even wholly understand (at least not the impact).

Nevertheless, it was disgusting and unacceptable. A brief suspension would be entirely appropriate. It would give him some time to understand just how unacceptable it was.

I do not in any way equate the girl’s friend’s retaliatory slap, even though it was “violent” and the boy only used words. There are many times when words are worse, and this is one of them.

When I was a child I was taught to say, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me”. Even then I knew that was comforting nonsense, and now, many decades later, I have entirely forgotten any playground physical scuffles, but some of the taunts still make me smart.

Words matter. This boy is becoming a man. Now is the time to teach him.

Teardrop2021 · 23/03/2021 22:14

Has anyone watched educating Manchester there was a girl on their bullying and antagosing a boy calling him name he had enough and he actually hit the girl in question and then other lads jumped in. He utilmately got a more severe punishment because of the physical violence and was suspected for the week where as the girl got after school detentions and isolation for her part both were wrong but violence is never the answer.

Fembot123 · 23/03/2021 22:14

@Teardrop2021

Fembot123 your attitude in response. Please tell me where other than your comment have a misread someone else's. Its very easily done in a thread thats very fast moving. Someone misread mine earlier and I explained what I meant ans they acknowledged and apologised there was no rudeness or attitude whatsoever.
Ahh so I can’t object to you saying I think a comment is rape (a bloody stupid thing to think) without it being rude and attitudey 😂 Slow your roll isn’t rude it means just that, especially on such a fast moving thread... Could it be that you just don’t like being wrong, if it’s that rude then you should report it..
WhipperSnapperSteve · 23/03/2021 22:17

@MrMucker

OP I'm not sure how you writing a statement based on your daughter's side of things is going to inform them of what actually happened. You were not there. Other kids were there, so the procedure in event of a parent complaining about this sort of thing is to ask other kids what happened. Sure, all guilty parties will minimise what they did themselves, but not all who were there were guilty of something, so statements from them will be for the school a far more reliable version of what happened. If you commit to your version that "slapping" or "verbal retaliating" occurred, then you also stand to get your own kid into trouble. The boy was vile, but then so are many boys. You cannot change him, but you can change your daughter's reaction to this sort of crap which is pretty common in secondary school. She ought not to react, she ought to report it discretely to an adult on site asap, not wait until home time, and ignore the boy thereafter. The only exclusion likely to happen is for the kid who slapped. That is violence.
She ought not to react

Yeh, how dare she get upset at outright misogyny HmmHmm

Teardrop2021 · 23/03/2021 22:17

Fembot123 Again please point out where else I misread or move on. I apologise for my mistake but now your coming across rather obnoxious and if anything delaying the thread by arguing with me. Biscuit

enigma16 · 23/03/2021 22:19

I can't believe that many of you think this is 'normal' and that she should just put up with vile comments like that. I can't remember ever having any such comments at school - although I went to some rough ones. It's hard to even imagine any of my classmates saying such things, although some of them were quite nasty. Different country though. Misogyny is obviously so ingrained in the culture here that people think it's normal. Sad.

Fembot123 · 23/03/2021 22:19

@Teardrop2021

Fembot123 Again please point out where else I misread or move on. I apologise for my mistake but now your coming across rather obnoxious and if anything delaying the thread by arguing with me. Biscuit
🤦🏼‍♀️ So you can say what you like but if I reply I’m arguing. Get a grip
Teardrop2021 · 23/03/2021 22:21

Fembot123 Are you finished yet or do you enjoying derailing the thread and arguing with strangers?

Libraryghost · 23/03/2021 22:23

From what I remember when I was at school ( and yes times may have changed) was that girls were far more cruel to each other than boys were to girls. This thread is reading a lot like all girls are innocent little victims and all boys are potential rapists. Bollocks. Yes the boy needs speaking too and it needs sorting but Christ we don’t need to crucify him. He is a child people...