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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Y7 disgusting comments

999 replies

ShinyGreenElephant · 23/03/2021 16:14

I'm 99% sure I'm not being unreasonable here but I'm SO angry and could do with some perspective/ advice.

A boy in my DD12s class has said to her today "shut your legs, your fanny stinks". This was in front of a group of kids. Shes on her period today as well so it made her feel even more paranoid and she was really upset and humiliated. A few of the boys laughed half-heartedly (all her boy mates have since said he was out of order but none of them said it at the time) and all the girls who were there went mad at him, DDs best friend slapped him across the face. DD called him an ugly little rat and walked away before he saw her crying but was then very upset and sobbing to the other girls. Shes been friends with this boy for years but hes recently turned on her a bit after hes asked her out twice and she said no. Nothing like this though.

DD told a teacher who told him off, but he wasn't sent home and hasnt apologised. The school didn't inform me about the incident. Far as I'm concerned this is nowhere NEAR good enough - I've called them and told them as much and been told they will investigate and deal with it further.

Can anyone advise on what my next steps should be? I'll be putting it all in writing tomorrow once they contact me with how they've dealt with it. What if its not good enough? Governors? What can I realistically expect - I will 100% need an apology and I want him suspended but not sure they would even tell me if he was.

Any advice welcome even if its to tell me I'm over reacting. I'm actually friends with his mum but won't contact her tonight at least as I'm so angry I know I won't be able to handle it well.

OP posts:
Overthinking1 · 23/03/2021 21:30

@Elderflower14 which is why I said he shouldn't have said it. however as her parent do also check he wasn't saying something in an incredibly rude but was somewhat factual. I refuse to believe many people didn't encounter smelly kids throughout school.

Teardrop2021 · 23/03/2021 21:30

Elderflower14 I agree I was referencing the other poster having ago because someone suggested to check it wasn't an issue with her dd.

Fembot123 · 23/03/2021 21:30

I’m heartened by the kids that shunned the boy that made the comment, not the slapping as violence isn’t an answer.

itsgettingwierd · 23/03/2021 21:30

[quote ShinyGreenElephant]@Robintakeover her mum messaged me earlier to check DD was ok so yeah weve discussed it. I told her to tell her DD how much we both love her and that I will pay for them to go out for a pizza or whatever when lockdown is over. If it was the opposite way and DD did something vile and got a slap then I would be telling her she deserved it, certainly not having a go at the kid who stuck up for whats right.[/quote]
If my ds assuaged someone because they said something to a friend they didn't like I'd not encourage or reward it.

Self defence for violence - yes.

Assault because you're annoyed - no.

There's absolutely no question this boy did wrong - he knows it and has apologised.

But he is also a victim of assault by someone not involved. It was out and out assault. It wasn't your dd who assuaged him due to what he said either. It was a random in the situation under legal explanations.

The boy needs a consequence. He needs educating why it's so wrong.

But this girl also needs educating as to why you cannot just assault someone because you hear them say something unacceptable.

Therarestone · 23/03/2021 21:30

@ancientgran How did you get that from what I said Hmm

Read it again.

GrumpyHoonMain · 23/03/2021 21:30

@Coffeeandcocopops

Message withdrawn at poster's request.
I agree with you 100%. They probably started with mean comments like this to girls that rejected them too. Then escalated their abuse
Coffeeandcocopops · 23/03/2021 21:31

I read another thread yesterday or it might have been on FB about the privately educated boys at a prestigious Prep school. The absolutely disgusting and misogynistic behaviour by the boys at parties, on the school buses etc to school girls and female teachers is off the scale. Someone has whistle blowed there. Girls are raped at parties whilst drunk, abused constantly, called names, photos are distributed etc etc. Now these boys will grow up and generally he expected to get the city jobs, MPS etc. It has to stop at schools. That is where we, as parents and teachers and women need it to stop. There should be zero tolerance for any kind of sexist abuse.

Therarestone · 23/03/2021 21:31

On a separate note the effect of a slap last far less than the effect of being shamed for being female.

Elderflower14 · 23/03/2021 21:32

@Teardrop2021

Elderflower14 I agree I was referencing the other poster having ago because someone suggested to check it wasn't an issue with her dd.
Apologies...
Teardrop2021 · 23/03/2021 21:32

:30Newbuildproblems

After reading the whole thread there is absolutely no chance the OP is a teacher. With the attitude she has displayed in this thread, not only would she make a horrendous teacher but in all honesty, she's coming across as a pretty horrendous parent. I would be far more worried about the damage you are doing to your daughter rather than a comment someone said to her in school. I'm presuming that you rewarding her friend for physically assaulting someone means you would be happy for your daughter to do the same? I'm telling you now, if you teach your daughter to go around slapping anyone who says something mean, she will find herself in a very unfortunate situation these days.

I seriously recommend some kind of parenting classes

I agree i suspect op isn't a teacher aswell.her reaction to the situation is not well measured like a teacher would be.

KurtWilde · 23/03/2021 21:33

Thanks @TwinkleStar88

LexMitior · 23/03/2021 21:35

@Coffeeandcocopops

I read another thread yesterday or it might have been on FB about the privately educated boys at a prestigious Prep school. The absolutely disgusting and misogynistic behaviour by the boys at parties, on the school buses etc to school girls and female teachers is off the scale. Someone has whistle blowed there. Girls are raped at parties whilst drunk, abused constantly, called names, photos are distributed etc etc. Now these boys will grow up and generally he expected to get the city jobs, MPS etc. It has to stop at schools. That is where we, as parents and teachers and women need it to stop. There should be zero tolerance for any kind of sexist abuse.
Isn't this Dulwich College?

Single sex schooling means girls have two advantages, better educational attainment and less sexualised remarks. Sounds good if you have daughters.

jmh740 · 23/03/2021 21:36

I work with year 8s at my school the girl would be in the most trouble for the physical violence. The boy would probably get a stern talking to. The parents would not be told. I find it hard to believe you work in a school and think that parents are told about every incident.

Jinx2020 · 23/03/2021 21:36

A school won't suspend for this .. they will possibly give him a detention and talking too and given you have made a fuss - perhaps call home. They will reference a positive behaviour policy. I would be fuming if this happened my daughter ... it should have a more severe consequence. What will this boy learn? What will he say next?

In my opinion the worse a child behaves at school the more they are molly-cuddled and don't learn real consequences to their disgusting behaviour. It is no coincidence society is crumbling (I know this sounds extreme) but schools are failing students. And schools are failing students only because home has failed them in many cases. Kids have warped perspective on how they should behave and reality .. many thanks to their gaming / you tubing etc.

In my current school there was a phase before Christmas of boys pulling other boys trousers / underwear down during PE. Disgusting bullying. Was it addressed? Nope - in fact the PE teacher seemed to think it was 'boys being boys'. I have never wished parents would complain so much!

This low level sexism and macho boys behaviour is in every school ... it is horrific how many eyes are turned when there is opportunity to call out and discuss unacceptable behaviour.

ShipOfTheseus · 23/03/2021 21:42

Single sex schooling means girls have two advantages, better educational attainment and less sexualised remarks. Sounds good if you have daughters.

Most of the testimonies about rape culture that have been widespread over the last few days are from girls who were at single sex schools, though sometimes mixed at sixth form.

LexMitior · 23/03/2021 21:46

@ShipOfTheseus

Single sex schooling means girls have two advantages, better educational attainment and less sexualised remarks. Sounds good if you have daughters.

Most of the testimonies about rape culture that have been widespread over the last few days are from girls who were at single sex schools, though sometimes mixed at sixth form.

I would take that to mean that they understood that "rape culture" meant these girls were much less likely to tolerate unwelcome sexualised behaviour from males outside their schools.

Not least because girls cannot "rape" each other.

Fembot123 · 23/03/2021 21:48

If a girl held another girl down and penetrated them with an item I’d call that rape.

LexMitior · 23/03/2021 21:50

@Fembot123

If a girl held another girl down and penetrated them with an item I’d call that rape.
Well the law says different, good job eh.
supersonicginandtonic · 23/03/2021 21:51

@Onjnmoeiejducwoapy no it wasn't sexual abuse though was it? It was a comment, he probably didn't understand/realise how hurtful his comment was. He needs explaining too.
You can't go around physically abusing people because you don't like what they said. she called him an ugly rat, that's not nice either. Maybe not as bad no, but still not acceptable. And that is certainly not defending herself.

Fembot123 · 23/03/2021 21:51

No, frankly not good job

LexMitior · 23/03/2021 21:54

@Fembot123

No, frankly not good job
Well you get in there and write to your MP to what you may feel is a glaring inequality.

Rape is a male crime in England and Wales.

CorianderBee · 23/03/2021 21:55

Misogyny pure and simple.

Coolandclamy · 23/03/2021 21:55

@LexMitior, what’s your point? It is okay 👌 f girls are sexually assaulted by other girls because technically the word rape cannot be used to describe the assault?

ShipOfTheseus · 23/03/2021 21:56

I would take that to mean that they understood that "rape culture" meant these girls were much less likely to tolerate unwelcome sexualised behaviour from males outside their schools.

That does not seem to be the case, though. The girls are subject to sexual assault from boys outside of school, and tolerate it, blame themselves etc. I have found reading these testimonies from girls at well-known private schools very disturbing and shocking.

Fembot123 · 23/03/2021 21:57

If it happened to my my daughter I’d consider it rape and I’m sure the majority of right thinking parents would, they wouldn’t be arguing the toss about it, or maybe they’d just say ‘Oh well it’s a male crime so get over it DD, it’s not rape’ You’re taking the piss, surely.