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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Y7 disgusting comments

999 replies

ShinyGreenElephant · 23/03/2021 16:14

I'm 99% sure I'm not being unreasonable here but I'm SO angry and could do with some perspective/ advice.

A boy in my DD12s class has said to her today "shut your legs, your fanny stinks". This was in front of a group of kids. Shes on her period today as well so it made her feel even more paranoid and she was really upset and humiliated. A few of the boys laughed half-heartedly (all her boy mates have since said he was out of order but none of them said it at the time) and all the girls who were there went mad at him, DDs best friend slapped him across the face. DD called him an ugly little rat and walked away before he saw her crying but was then very upset and sobbing to the other girls. Shes been friends with this boy for years but hes recently turned on her a bit after hes asked her out twice and she said no. Nothing like this though.

DD told a teacher who told him off, but he wasn't sent home and hasnt apologised. The school didn't inform me about the incident. Far as I'm concerned this is nowhere NEAR good enough - I've called them and told them as much and been told they will investigate and deal with it further.

Can anyone advise on what my next steps should be? I'll be putting it all in writing tomorrow once they contact me with how they've dealt with it. What if its not good enough? Governors? What can I realistically expect - I will 100% need an apology and I want him suspended but not sure they would even tell me if he was.

Any advice welcome even if its to tell me I'm over reacting. I'm actually friends with his mum but won't contact her tonight at least as I'm so angry I know I won't be able to handle it well.

OP posts:
Adios2011 · 23/03/2021 20:49

@Teardrop2021

KurtWilde

The misandry on this thread is shocking. This lad is a 12 year old CHILD ffs. Of course he said a shitty thing and no one is defending that, but some of you are sure as hell minimising the fact that he was physically assaulted by another student. And the OP - a teacher nonetheless the less - wants to REWARD this assault.

Fucking mumsnet at its worst

It disgusting isn't it and op is proud as punch.

The op is disturbing! How can she be a teacher??
Lilyargin · 23/03/2021 20:50

Actually, thinking about this, it’s not that dissimilar to an incident that happy to my daughter on a night bus. A man got on and after announcing “I smell CUNT on this bus” went and sat next to my daughter and niece. When they tried to move they were both assaulted by him. No one on the bus did anything.
Pretty similar rhetoric.

Lilyargin · 23/03/2021 20:50

*happened, not happy!

XelaM · 23/03/2021 20:50

@Adios2011 Completely agree. The OP is totally nuts!

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 23/03/2021 20:50

@Adios2011

Yes the comment he made was awful, but he's been punished enough now and the way you want this boy to suffer makes me worry for any children you teach.

You shouldnt be rewarding the girl with pizza, that's over the top. You say the boy isn't evil, just immature! I imagine your daughter is going to grow up to be a complete 'princess' about everything 🙄

Your whole attitude is over the top and quite frankly disturbing, you sound like a right pain in the a**, as a teacher, a mother and general person.

Maybe you need a hobby?

What the actual hell is going through your brain (if anything)? A child is a PRINCESS for not wanting to be sexually harassed?!? Real progressive attitude you have there (for the 12th century)
Robintakeover · 23/03/2021 20:50

[quote ShinyGreenElephant]@Robintakeover her mum messaged me earlier to check DD was ok so yeah weve discussed it. I told her to tell her DD how much we both love her and that I will pay for them to go out for a pizza or whatever when lockdown is over. If it was the opposite way and DD did something vile and got a slap then I would be telling her she deserved it, certainly not having a go at the kid who stuck up for whats right.[/quote]
Double standards - I despair

TwinkleStar88 · 23/03/2021 20:51

@Teardrop2021 - Thank you, yes he’s ok, it happened quite a while ago now. He has been mocked by girls during his school years on various occasions, he’s never stood up to them though and prefers to ignore it. He has a couple of female friends he gets on really well with and has a lot of respect for, one he supported emotionally when her parents separated and she wrote him a really sweet letter thanking him.

Teardrop2021 · 23/03/2021 20:51

Let's no forget you only have your dd version you do not know what provoked that response she could have been equally vile towards him, of course your dd Will minimise and make out she rejected when that might not necessarily be the case at all.

The friend wants to be careful who she hits in future otherwise she could easily be met with an angry sister. Dd wouldn't hesitate to step in if someone smacked her brother regardless what he said. No one has the right to just hit someone.

RolloTomassi · 23/03/2021 20:51

Horrible comment and if that was my son I'd want to know. I think he should be made to apologise. I do, however, think you're overreacting massively with talk of suspension and governors. He's 12. 12 year olds say stupid shit. It's awful that he's even come out with something like that but I should imagine the slap he got has embarrassed the crap out of him and hopefully he is suitably ashamed

Agreed.

Coolandclamy · 23/03/2021 20:52

The misandry is off the scales.

As for you daughter OP, I think you are probably making the situation worse by turning this into a big thing. The reaction is extreme. What next put him in juvenile prison?

Ilovegreentomatoes · 23/03/2021 20:52

@Fembot123 ffs the fish insult has been around for years and is commonly used to degrade females. There is no fish smell unless you have an infection but that doesn't stop boys/men using it as a put down for females.

Alwaysandforeverhere · 23/03/2021 20:53

This whole thread is a big joke.

Boy calls girl something bad. Boy gets insulted and hit. All good.

Boy must be raised badly. Girls deserve take away luffs much praise.

Yes that girl only hit him because it was a him and boys children boys are so badly raised they are raised that hitting a girls by most parents is 100% a line you do not cross if that had been a girl your daughters friend would of likely got a huge ass whooping.

The majority of boys say nasty stuff at 12 as do the majority of girls they just don’t tell their parents when they are the ones saying nasty stuff.

The amount of boys who have been kicked in the nuts, called faggots, pussys, mummies boys, gays, to grow some balls, little dicks, limp dicks, smelly nob cheese boys apparently doesn’t exist to some people.

My daughters have been raised to not kick boys in the balls or call them names. My son has been raised to jot call name nor ever lay his hand on a girl. But I’d defend any of children male or female is they where assaulted for chatting bullshit like all pre/teenagers do. You just don’t normally hear about it as the parent.

mellicauli · 23/03/2021 20:53

He was looking for attention with that comment, any attention, positive or negative. And that's what he is getting. A big fat drama and you're joining in.

The adults need to tone this right down, give them a bit of space, then find a way for them to resolve their difference, for him to apologize and find a way to move on.

Teardrop2021 · 23/03/2021 20:53

Adios2011 I don't believe she is a teacher they wouldn't act this way and condone violence.

KurtWilde · 23/03/2021 20:54

Wonder what would've happened if the boy slapped her back? Pound to a pinch of shit she wouldn't have admitted to slapping him first.

Fembot123 · 23/03/2021 20:54

[quote Ilovegreentomatoes]@Fembot123 ffs the fish insult has been around for years and is commonly used to degrade females. There is no fish smell unless you have an infection but that doesn't stop boys/men using it as a put down for females.[/quote]
FFS yourself, I was asking the OP if DD had taken it to heart 🙄

MarshaBradyo · 23/03/2021 20:55

It’s an awful comment and shouldn’t be tolerated.

Slapping someone across the face isn’t on either.

Psychonabike · 23/03/2021 20:55

This is an horrible example of early sexual harrassment. He asks her out a couple of times, she says no, his ego can't take it and he makes a nasty sexualised comment to degrade her.

Someone needs to have a serious chat with him about what happened here. Even at 12 he should be capable of understanding why this kind of behaviour is unacceptable. But much better to treat this as a teachable moment than as a punishable one; I would think a meaningful apology that shows that he has actually considered and understood what he has done wrong (in an age appropriate manner) would be the best outcome.

Dorchester · 23/03/2021 20:57

He should be excluded. The only way we are going to let young boys see that you cannot treat girls or women like that is to be hard on them.
Zero tolerance and his new school should know why he is moving schools. He has to learn that it’s just unacceptable to do this because once in the work place he could be sacked or taken to court over it.

Ilovegreentomatoes · 23/03/2021 20:57

@Lilyargin that's disgusting. Honestly the things girls/women have to put up with more needs to be done its appalling. Honestly I hate to say this but every day the more i hear the more I hate men a little bit more.

BeardyButton · 23/03/2021 20:57

Christ this is awful. An example of why misogyny should be recognised as hate speech. If this was a homophobic slur it would be acted upon as if very serious indeed. But because it’s only misogynistic, it isn’t treated in the same way.

GrumpyHoonMain · 23/03/2021 20:57

If he said that in front of others he has probably said or tried to do worse to her. Get a complete picture from her, writing down everything he said and did after she said she wouldn’t date him, and then complain to the school about bullying and that he’s sexually harrassing her. They will have to investigate if there’s a diary of events.

Overthinking1 · 23/03/2021 20:58

Whilst its awful to have said it out loud, do check she is not actually having problems.. I remember there were a few girls at school who really did smell badly when they were on their period. I imagine they hadnt been shown how to appropriately wash and keep clean / regular changes etc, so it was very sad looking back now but at the time I do remember the boys and occasional loud mouthed girls didn't hold back.

Ilovegreentomatoes · 23/03/2021 20:58

@Fembot123 that's not how your comment read to me but if that's what you say.

ThanksItHasPockets · 23/03/2021 20:58

@Dorchester

He should be excluded. The only way we are going to let young boys see that you cannot treat girls or women like that is to be hard on them. Zero tolerance and his new school should know why he is moving schools. He has to learn that it’s just unacceptable to do this because once in the work place he could be sacked or taken to court over it.
Do you have any idea how difficult it is to exclude a child permanently from a school?